If your husband was cheating, would you want to know?

[astrid20]

I have very good evidence that my male colleague is having an affair with another colleague. It's only a small office and they are very cosy; going for lunch together and to the gym.

I have seen them leaving the office together very late, after he made a show that he was going home. I sit next to the guy and have seen them messaging during work hours and she once let it slip that he had given her a lift home from a work event.

I live near to her and yesterday morning when cycling to work I saw them leave her house together, although they walked in to work separately.

I know the guy is married and that his wife has just given birth to their second child. The woman is single.

I despise cheaters and it makes me mad that other colleagues think this guy is a real family man.

If you were the wife in this situation would you really want to know? Would you believe an anonymous tip off?

If I was the wife I would be curious (understatement) about who was sending me an anonymous letter telling me my husband was having an affair. It would pray on my mind, the question who is it? Do I know them? Is it a stranger, or a friend? Who on earth can I trust?

Yes I would. Absolutely.

You don't know though op do you? You're guessing, you suspect but you certainly don't know. They could just be good friends.

So you want to turn the world of a woman who has just had a baby's world Upside down? What if you're wrong? The damage you could do to that woman, that family,

Because let's face it, you might be wrong.

If you don't know for sure, then keep out of it, because what you're suggesting is nasty,

Maybe magnum p.i

I hear he's out of work

Yes so I could start boiling oil to pour over certain parts of him.

That's what I think too, Bluntness.

Yes. I wish someone at my exP work had told me about his affair. It has been a million times worse finding out 10 months after the affair started.

If she knew fair enough,

But she doesn't know. She doesn't know at all,

She could be very wrong indeed. And cause untold damage. That would be unforgivable.

I would want to know for sure.

However

In your position I am not sure I would feel it was my place to say. How friendly are you? If you are friends with his wife then yes, if just acquaintances then I'd prob leave it TBH

Exactly. She doesn't know. She merely suspects.

Well if the OP urges the the ow to get a PI then that would solve the matter and if he is isn’t having an affair then the pi won’t find anything.

Leaving the ow’s house extremely early in the morning? Together with the awkwardness , the messaging. I think it’s rather obvious what’s going on here.

*the wife to get a PI not the OW obvs

I would not wish to be told.

I would absolutely shoot the messenger. For all they know I am choosing to turn a blind eye, and having the truth forced down my throat would be most unpalatable.

An anonymous tip-off would be even worse as I would not know who to shoot.

Infidelity is not always a deal-breaker and nobody should poke their nose in to try to make it such.

Leaving the ow’s house extremely early in the morning? Together with the awkwardness , the messaging. I think it’s rather obvious what’s going on here

Nonsense. He could have popped in to drop something off, then had to do something on the way to work. They could be messaging as they are good mates. They are probably messaging about the op. He gave her a lift home and they've left work together.

On what planet does that absolutely constitute an affair other than in someone's dirty little mind.

I would want to be told if it was true. I wouldn't want to be told because a colleague imagines it to be true. You have no evidence. The examples you give could all be innocent. She could have gone to the bathroom upstairs in the office after she said she was leaving. As for the example about him leaving her house, strangely enough my male friend would have been spotted coming out of a colleague's house early one morning. She'd had problems with her heating and he'd offered to see if he could fix it before work. I'm just glad he's not married or I'd be worried you were talking about him and getting ready to rip apart a marriage on your imaginings.

Well if the OP urges the the ow to get a PI then that would solve the matter and if he is isn’t having an affair then the pi won’t find anything

Sure, and in the meantime till he is proven innocent this woman goes to hell and back wondering, spends untold money, breaks the trust in her marriage, on what? The ops suspicions?

She has nothing to go on here. Nothing. Certainly not grounds for going to the wife in the manner suggested.

I've Male colleagues, I work in a Male industry, at a meeting once my shower wouldn't stop working in the hotel. I text one I'm friendly with and he came and fixed it and joked if people see me leaving your room at 7am. We both laughed, but what if someone like the op had seen? And told his partner? She'd have been very very wrong.

@Bluntness100 okay then and when the ow said she was leaving the office but clearly went upstairs to the changing area (no toilets) , the husband goes upstairs to the changing area . 20 mins laters the op catches them both in the lift where the ow claims to have just been using the toilet ??? When there are probably toilets on the actual office floor not upstairs in the shower room. Have you read the whole thread?

So what you seriously think she went upstairs and shagged him in the changing rooms? Seriously? They were that gagging for it they had a quickie before he went home?

Or maybe she went up and spoke to him and actually used the loo?

There is a very high chance these people know the way the op views them. It's a small office, there is a fairly good chance the awkwardness is with her or in front of her.

Right now, she has nothing to show they are having an affair. That cannot be disputed. Everything she states could be innocent and maybe there is more to this ie he doesn't treat her well or she doesn't like one or the other, or she's just that sort to think this, maybe as she's been cheated on,

Bottom line if you don't know, you can't say it's happening and every single thing she's posted could have an innocent explanation. There is no two ways about it.

She doesn't know.

Oh love that’s what’s happens with affairs ! 🙄

Or yes go upstairs to talk to him when he hasn’t even left and wait for him in the changing room? Like wtf , please read the thread

I haven't RTFT but I wish someone had told me, anonymously or not. My exH, the OW and I had mutual colleagues that knew about their year long affair that started when I was on Mat Leave.

Finding out that they all knew made me feel even more humiliated and hurt. I still have to work with some of those colleagues who came to visit when DD was first born (although exH and OW have since moved jobs thankfully!) and every time I see one of them I think 'you knew and didn't respect me enough to let me know'. And that hurts, obviously less so as time goes on but it still smarts 5 years down the line.

Both of them were in the lift. The woman could have pressed to go down but he had already called the lift up hence she went up before coming back down to OP's level. . . or the changing area may have a toilet (the OP didn't specify that it didn't have one).
Imagine the brazenness of saying you're leaving the office but then changing your mind and for that crime, a colleague had you embroiled in an affair.
OP if your company has a policy that doesn't allow colleagues to date, you should tell HR your suspicions exactly as stated here. It will be helpful for your poor colleague to have an official record of your batshit craziness in case you do try to wreck his marriage.

I'm glad I'm not the only one thinking the OP needs to mind her own business.

As for the wife getting a PI - imagine the husband is innocent and discovers his wife has instructed a PI to investigate his every move. Imagine what that would do to the trust in the marriage. The husband would be devastated to learn his wife has so little trust in him that she went behind his back and employed a PI to stalk him.

The consequences would be disastrous for the whole family. The baby would end up the real victim here.

Oh for goodness sake,

I guess you're the sort who thinks men and women can't be good friends?

If it was a man would you think they were shagging too?

Maybe there is a damned good reason everyone thinks this man is a good family man. Everyone else in the small office.