Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think my relationship is over.

168 replies

FrigItAll · 07/09/2018 09:21

There, I said it.

I just needed to express that somewhere but don't quite feel ready to do so irl. I've been with my partner for 18yrs, I still care deeply for him, but I can't do this any more. He's a decent, hardworking man and a loving Dad, but I really don't think either of us is happy any more and haven't been for some time.

We nearly broke up months ago after I discovered he had profiles on dating websites but decided to work on our relationship. He apologised, said he loved me, hadn't done anything with the profiles, didn't want to tear our family apart and deleted the profiles. Recently I've felt like I'm the only one making any real effort and most of the compromises are made by me.

Now I discover he has created new profiles, including one for casual sex. I'm so hurt and angry. Does he think I'm stupid? Does he think I'll continue to tolerate it? Or is he actually hoping to be found out, so I'll finish things and he can pretend the break up is all my fault? He doesn't know I know yet. I'm sitting on it until I've calmed down, made some decisions and sought professional advice. I know a few of you have been here (I've been reading the threads that are similar situations) and just need somewhere safe to work through my thoughts & feelings, get some support and generally a hand to hold. I'm so sad right now.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 07/09/2018 11:30

I'm not surprised you are sad.
What a total asshole your DP is.
Get some legal advice.
Keep all the evidence and get him removed from your life.
Then he go out and shag whoever he wants and you can move on with your life.

kennelmaid · 07/09/2018 11:40

I found out last year that my husband was on a dating site saying that he was "single and looking for his soulmate". I felt humiliated and shocked. I've forgiven him though as it doesn't seem worth breaking up our lives and family over it.

lowtide · 07/09/2018 12:29

Jesus Christ.
You have ONE FUCKING LIFE.
And the same to @kennelmaid
His fucking soulmate!!!!?

Lifeisabeach09 · 07/09/2018 12:43

What?!
Is life really so bad as a singleton that you'll settle for men like these? Get rid.
Kennelmaid, are you prepared for him to do it again?

HollowTalk · 07/09/2018 12:46

@kennelmaid I found out last year that my husband was on a dating site saying that he was "single and looking for his soulmate". I felt humiliated and shocked. I've forgiven him though as it doesn't seem worth breaking up our lives and family over it.

What are you thinking? He is trying to break up your family - he's looking for his soulmate! What will you do when he finds her?

Adora10 · 07/09/2018 14:14

Does he think I'm stupid? Does he think I'll continue to tolerate it?

In a nutshell yes, you already have; he's just carrying on with previous behaviour, he won't do jack shit, he's having his cake so why would he; for goodness sake find your self respect and end this joke of a marriage; otherwise he will eventually destroy you, is he worth it, trying to have (probably already meets up for hook ups) sex with other women and you are still there.

As for you Kennel; expect more of the same.

Messedupmom · 07/09/2018 16:32

So sorry you are going through this, discovering that once again he has betrayed your trust must be devastating. Unfortunately it sounds like you never got to the bottom of why he did it in the first place and therefore nothing has changed and neither has he.
Only you can decide whether your marriage is worth fighting for. I personally wouldn't be prepared to give yet another chance.
No matter what you decide I hope you get the help and support you need.

Original poster
FrigItAll · 07/09/2018 16:45

@kennelmaid, I did the same thing as you. Nothing's changed, if anything it's got worse, because he's on a hook-up site now too.

@Adora10 EXACTLY! Rhetorical questions really, because he obviously does think I'm stupid. His behaviour already has almost destroyed me, my mental health is very poor and self esteem, practically nonexistent. He knows how hurtful his behaviour is, I told him if it happened again, we were done. He's chosen to carry on (thinking he's been cleverer this time, dumb ass!). Now I chose to prioritise myself and not allow my children to think this is what a relationship should look. I'm done. If he thinks I'm too depressed to be strong, he's wrong.

Thanks for all the kindness, support and tough love (I'm likely to need more of that before this is over!). It really helps to know I'm not overthinking this, others think his behaviour is out of order too. I haven't got anyone to discuss it with irl. Now I need to dig deep and find my courage, my love obviously isn't enough for him, so he doesn't deserve it, however painful separation may be for my kids and I.

OP posts:
Adora10 · 07/09/2018 17:29

Well done OP, you sound really strong considering what you are suffering, imagine how stronger you will be without that dead weight around your neck.

Either way it sounds like you need a good break from him anyway; maybe then you can both re evaluate what it is exactly you both want, change the dynamics completely, stir things up a bit, if nothing else, it will make you feel empowered for a change, good luck!

Original poster
FrigItAll · 08/09/2018 00:29

First step made. I've seen my GP for more support with my mental health, she's prescribed me extra meds for panic attacks and referred me to the community mental health team. She's been encouraging me to accept a cpn for sometime, so today I agreed.

I can't do this alone.

OP posts:
DonkeyPlease · 08/09/2018 05:31

You're really brave. I'm impressed by your resolve in the face of this awful fuckery you've been faced with. He's really been cruel to you and I'm so sorry to hear of how you're suffering.

hellsbellsmelons · 08/09/2018 07:24

Well done.
Great first steps.
Accept all the help and support you can.
We will be here too to hand hold.

RandomMess · 08/09/2018 07:55

Great first steps and you may well improve now it's over because you can detach from him, grieve for the end of the relationship, spend your time focusing on you instead of sinking time and effort into a one sided relationship.

Be honest with others that it's over because he's been on dating and hook up sites!!

Original poster
FrigItAll · 08/09/2018 11:58

So far I've found profiles on 4 sites, with 3 different user names and one even includes his photo! I can only assume he does actually want to be found out so he doesn't have to be the one to start a conversation about separating. Coward.

Well two can keep secrets and I'll be holding mine until I have all the info and support I need. I want to know my rights about housing and finances before I ask him to leave. I'm a sahm, we have a joint tenancy and I worry he'll refuse to leave the family home. I also need to have the support in place to weather the coming shitshow. I know he'll try to justifying his behaviour, wheedle his way around me (knowing I want what's best for my children) and try to silence me with angry outburst trying to make this my fault.

On another thread here, I read someone compiled a list of all the shitty behaviour they'd tolerated, to help keep their resolve. I think that's a great idea. I've never really thought of it that way before, but just the brief mental list I've made as I start to think about it, is making me realise I've been a mug 😕

OP posts:
RandomMess · 08/09/2018 12:09

How old are your DC? I'd start looking for a job, building yourself a pot of money, building up your friendships Thanks

Original poster
FrigItAll · 08/09/2018 12:37

@RandomMess, my eldest (from a previous relationship) lives with her dp & dc. Cap'n Shag & myself have 3 dc together, aged 9 - 16. They all adore their Dad and will be devastated, which I know he'll try to use to get me to stay with him.

DD (16) starts college next week, after a very difficult couple of years, for health reasons. So I plan to keep thinks calm for her first couple of days at least, which gives me time to put more things in place.

Last year, I had started building up my own business, until I had a spectacular breakdown that resulted in me needing daily visits from the crisis team. I'm really not well enough to restart that just yet, but finding a job that is reasonably low stress is a good idea. I'll add that to my list, thank you 💙

OP posts:
kennelmaid · 08/09/2018 17:46

You may find that he blames his behaviour on your mental health problems - that's how my husband justified his behaviour. He told me that he couldn't cope with my bouts of depression and my "moaning" and that was why he went on the dating site, as an escape.

Original poster
FrigItAll · 08/09/2018 19:38

@kennelmaid, yes I've heard that old chestnut. Part of his profile on POF says he just wants to laugh again. (Don't we all!)

Last time, when he realised that wasn't working, he then blamed his own poor mental health (ex-serviceman with PTSD) and his own feelings of inadequacy. I held everything together for nearly 2 years when he had a breakdown, which almost destroyed us all, we even had to move house because of his behaviour.

After I tried to do something silly, he didn't reciprocate that care, just told me I was attention seeking and I wasn't nearly as ill as other family members. The difference is, my issues are less obvious because I'm really good at putting on a brave face, I try to minimise the effect of it on my kids and I turn everything in on myself, rather than blowing up spectacularly like he does.

OP posts:
lowtide · 09/09/2018 13:15

Sorry op. This is so shit for you. But you having a breakdown will have affected your children and that breakdown had a cause.
You’re literally killing yourself by staying in this toxic environment

Cloudyapples · 09/09/2018 13:24

Op you started by saying he was a decent man and loving father, but everything you’ve said about him since shows he is far from it.

Original poster
FrigItAll · 09/09/2018 13:33

"But you having a breakdown will have affected your children"

I know, I hate to see the impact it's had on them (although they don't know just how serious it was, or how close they came to a life without me). This is why I say minimise the effect, they're bright, compassionate kids, they know things aren't right.

I'm feeling really angry today. When he kissed me goodbye and said he loves me, as normal this morning, I just wanted to slap his stupid, cheating face. How dare he do this to us? How dare he disrespect me like this? How can he act as if everything is hunky dory? Part of me wants to forget having a conversation when the kids aren't around and let rip with all this rage, throw him out and scream exactly what I think of him, but I won't put my DC in that situation.

I have considered taking his phone when he's asleep and changing his status to 'his POF username' is single and ready to mingle.

I'm so uptight I can barely breath right now.

OP posts:
lowtide · 09/09/2018 13:37

You just need to get out. When you feel like you want to physically hurt someone then you know it’s over. I used to dream about digging my nails into an exes face, it was so real it shocked me. I would say don’t go batshit as it will only hurt you. But that’s easier said than done. Xx

Original poster
FrigItAll · 09/09/2018 13:39

@Cloudyapples, you're right. He has a lot of good points and he is a loving father, but he is not behaving decently towards me is he? He's being a total shit. The attentive, loving man I met, has got lost somewhere along the way and he's not coming back to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
FrigItAll · 09/09/2018 13:43

@lowtide I'm going to keep completely losing my shit as a wild fantasy. I've worked too damn hard to regain control over myself to just let go again because he's been an arse.

OP posts:
sosickofthisshit · 09/09/2018 14:04

I found my ex on a dating site claiming he was divorced. I sat on it for a few weeks while my son finished his exams, but it ate away at me to the point where I couldn't bear to even look at the fucker, and it all blew up and I left him (there were many other reasons and issues in our marriage but this for me was the final straw), and I haven't looked back. The very fact that he has created profiles, shows intent, and that for me, is enough to end it. My ex arsehole actually tried to blame me (he has narc traits so nothing is ever his fault), cheeky fucker Hmm