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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think my relationship is over.

168 replies

FrigItAll · 07/09/2018 09:21

There, I said it.

I just needed to express that somewhere but don't quite feel ready to do so irl. I've been with my partner for 18yrs, I still care deeply for him, but I can't do this any more. He's a decent, hardworking man and a loving Dad, but I really don't think either of us is happy any more and haven't been for some time.

We nearly broke up months ago after I discovered he had profiles on dating websites but decided to work on our relationship. He apologised, said he loved me, hadn't done anything with the profiles, didn't want to tear our family apart and deleted the profiles. Recently I've felt like I'm the only one making any real effort and most of the compromises are made by me.

Now I discover he has created new profiles, including one for casual sex. I'm so hurt and angry. Does he think I'm stupid? Does he think I'll continue to tolerate it? Or is he actually hoping to be found out, so I'll finish things and he can pretend the break up is all my fault? He doesn't know I know yet. I'm sitting on it until I've calmed down, made some decisions and sought professional advice. I know a few of you have been here (I've been reading the threads that are similar situations) and just need somewhere safe to work through my thoughts & feelings, get some support and generally a hand to hold. I'm so sad right now.

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Original poster
FrigItAll · 09/09/2018 14:54

@sosickofthisshit, I'm so sorry you've been there too. I agree, the intent is enough.

The first time I found them, I confronted him. We were supposed to be going on holiday to visit his Mum. I stayed at home, to have time alone to figure out what I wanted. When he returned, we talked, he seemed remorseful & deleted them, and we agreed to work on out relationship. Less than 4 months later, I've found new profiles, including ones that seem another step closer to physically cheating (if he hasn't already). I'm done with his lame excuses.

OP posts:
minmooch · 09/09/2018 16:06

His remorse was shortlived.

You deserve better than this.

PaleRider1 · 09/09/2018 16:44

Whilst getting my ducks in a row, I'd be sorely tempted to set up my own fake profile on one of the dating sties he was on and message him. Find out exactly what the fecker was hoping for and the lies he's likely to spin.

I'd even be callous enough to set up a 'date' with him and let the fecker go and get stood up. Least you'd know with out a doubt what his intentions were and whether he'd go through with it. Would be interesting as to the lies he'd give you as to where he was going?

Cheermyselfup · 09/09/2018 17:20

I've just read this thread and I just want to wish you all the best. Life can be tough but you deserve happiness.

JungWan · 09/09/2018 17:29

change is hard, ie, getting out of a marriage, but your future will be better when you have sorted out the practicalities. That is the worst part. Getting all the hassle sorted out. The mental freedom of not having to watch him for this shit, not worrying about your self-esteem being eroded etc... it's beautiful

JungWan · 09/09/2018 17:46

@palerider1, a friend of mine knew her x had a site on pof but she couldn't find his profile. They hadn't been together as long as the OP and her H but they had an 18 month old. So she contacted him through a website he managed because of his hobby and she claimed to be new in town, loved marine biology, loved orienteering, ''she'' played right in to his hands, she was single, no kids......... He nearly broke his back offering to show her around town and he never mentioned he had a live in gf and a toddler. he had a spring in his step as he got read to go out and meet her to offer to show her around town. He bought a new shirt and shaved and went off in to town smelling of lemons. He got stood up of course but my friend acted normal when he got home, but she knew then what she had to do. I reckon sometimes the bigger the punch in the gut the more impetus you have to draw a line under the shit

Isitovernow · 09/09/2018 17:48

Creating profiles on dating sites is deception. It's essentially actively trying to cheat. So, if something happened, he wouldn't even have the 'it just happened' excuse.

I'm in a struggling marriage and when I wonder why I stay, it's because of posts like yours. I think 'well at least my DH would never do that.' The reality is we're all setting the bar way too low. Sad

Original poster
FrigItAll · 09/09/2018 18:45

There really are some right shitbags out there eh?

@palerider1, I set up a fake account last time, I fully intended to set up a date, then show up with his bags!

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PaleRider1 · 10/09/2018 08:16

Yep there sure are some shit bags out there. That’s why I’m happy single.

Keep us updated

SandyY2K · 10/09/2018 08:37

Keep focussed on your plan OP. His behaviour is disrespectful to you.

He clearly wants a bit on the side and wasn't remorseful...He just wished you never found out.

Your 16 yo is old enough to know this isn't acceptable. I'm sure you (and he) would not want her to have a BF doing this.

Stay strong...Keep focussed...keep reminding yourself you're worth more than that. It's far better to be single than with a man you can't trust or don't respect...and respecting a man creating profiles like this would be impossible for me.

I'd be looking at him with disgust and cringing at his touch...which would pretty much render the relationship over.

Original poster
FrigItAll · 10/09/2018 18:59

@SandyY2K, you've pretty much summed up my feelings. Every time I look at him, I imagine him with other women and the intimate messages he'd be sending.

I posted something about lying on Facebook today. When he got in from work, he asked what all the cryptic messages (all one of them!) was about? I made out I didn't know which one he meant and made him tell me exactly which one. He said 'Or am I being paranoid?' (You paranoid? You cf!) To which I asked if he had any reason to be paranoid. He looked proper shifty before exclaiming 'No!' in a way that would have me telling my kids I don't believe them! Our youngest was in the room, so I wasn't causing a scene. He has a day off later in the week and I plan to tackle this with him then, when we're alone.

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Original poster
FrigItAll · 10/09/2018 21:01

Oh diddums, he's just deleted his Facebook account! 🙄

Maybe the meme I posted about women having happier relationships when the man isn't a douchebag, touched a nerve! 😏😁

I wonder if he'll throw his phone in the estuary in a tantrum, like he did last time I found him out? He clearly suspects I'm on to him....

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Ruddygreattiger2016 · 10/09/2018 21:18

Oh yes he deffo knows he's been rumbled - again.

Get those ducks in a row and get him gone (after he comes out with the obligatory bullshit/lies/excuses/blaming etc).

lowtide · 10/09/2018 21:36

What a cock

Gemini69 · 10/09/2018 21:41

he's horrid OP... Flowers

NotTheFordType · 10/09/2018 21:49

Well yeah he may bollocks
urgh

AynRandTheObjectivist · 10/09/2018 23:04

He threw his phone into the estuary?

I'd convince him to blow a few hundred on the latest iPhone and all its accessories before confronting him this time, OP.

Original poster
FrigItAll · 12/09/2018 09:15

Yesterday I was having a wobble and thinking how it'd be easier to just let this slide, so I reread all of your responses to remind myself how that's not an option for me this time.

The comments about it being toxic, really hit home yesterday, so I googled for info and wound up on the Women's Aid site. They have a page with 18 questions, that says if you answer yes to one or more, you may be in an abusive relationship. I said yes to 8. What a painful realisation this is 😢😢😢

But it made me recognise the cycle and I'm now fully noticing the charm offensive opening up again. I'm heartbroken beyond words right now 😢😢😢😢

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Original poster
FrigItAll · 12/09/2018 09:16

But how the crying emoji has come out, just made me smile a little. Doesn't it look like blue snot?!!!

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lowtide · 12/09/2018 09:25

Yeah I’ve always thought it looked like snot! But then when I cry a lot of snot is involved!

No one wants to be in this type of relationship, it’s not what they think is going to happen when they were happy all those years before. It’s hard to admit to oneself. Because we mostly don’t want to. And if we think we are coping then that’s enough.

It takes a very brave person to not continue in a toxic abusive relationship
Sending you Flowers

Original poster
FrigItAll · 12/09/2018 12:49

@lowtide, you're so right. Thank you Flowers

(There has been a lot of snotty sobbing when I'm alone)

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Original poster
FrigItAll · 12/09/2018 12:53

The sad thing is, he'll be horrified if he ever realises how abusive his behaviour is. His Dad was a completely abusive pos and he would never want to be like him, this behaviour has slowly crept in. He's not deliberately cruel, but thoughtless and selfish, in a way that has reached an intolerable level.

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Original poster
FrigItAll · 12/09/2018 18:39

Urgh, he's being nauseatingly nice. He seems puzzled that I'm not responding 🙄

I have decided that Friday (his one day off this week) is the day I tell him I know about the latest profiles and I'm done. If he thought I didn't mean it when I agreed to give him a chance last time, he's in for a shock. Being horribly depressed will not stop me, in fact being horribly depressed may actually help a little because I'm sure he's a lot to do with my poor mental state (not all, as I have PTSD from an incident in my teens). I'm never going to fully recover in this environment.

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AynRandTheObjectivist · 12/09/2018 18:51

OP, I cannot think how you could possibly NOT feel better when you don't have someone who's supposed to love you trampling all over your feelings and relationship.

Better alone than in bad company. Would you rather be in a room by yourself or with Donald Trump eating garlic and talking about women?

Original poster
FrigItAll · 12/09/2018 19:42

That's the conclusion I've come to @AynRandTheObjectivist.

I'd quite like to tell Trump exactly what I thought of him and where he could stick his views! 😂

But I'd rather be on my own, away from him, or Cap'n Shag!

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