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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think my relationship is over.

168 replies

FrigItAll · 07/09/2018 09:21

There, I said it.

I just needed to express that somewhere but don't quite feel ready to do so irl. I've been with my partner for 18yrs, I still care deeply for him, but I can't do this any more. He's a decent, hardworking man and a loving Dad, but I really don't think either of us is happy any more and haven't been for some time.

We nearly broke up months ago after I discovered he had profiles on dating websites but decided to work on our relationship. He apologised, said he loved me, hadn't done anything with the profiles, didn't want to tear our family apart and deleted the profiles. Recently I've felt like I'm the only one making any real effort and most of the compromises are made by me.

Now I discover he has created new profiles, including one for casual sex. I'm so hurt and angry. Does he think I'm stupid? Does he think I'll continue to tolerate it? Or is he actually hoping to be found out, so I'll finish things and he can pretend the break up is all my fault? He doesn't know I know yet. I'm sitting on it until I've calmed down, made some decisions and sought professional advice. I know a few of you have been here (I've been reading the threads that are similar situations) and just need somewhere safe to work through my thoughts & feelings, get some support and generally a hand to hold. I'm so sad right now.

OP posts:
JungWan · 13/09/2018 06:59

Don't start feeling sad for him because his view of him doesn't tally with his actual self/behavior.

Feel sad for you who had to live with that behavior and that delusion and next up.............. self-pity.

Don't. Feel. Sad. For. Him.

It will really hold you back from making a decision that is right for you.

Original poster
FrigItAll · 13/09/2018 08:08

Thank you @JungWan, if his inevitable pity party starts to weaken my resolve, I'll come back to your words.

OP posts:
Original poster
FrigItAll · 13/09/2018 17:18

Oh quelle surprise!

Guess who has created a new FB profile, as if I wouldn't know 🙄🙄🙄

OP posts:
RandomMess · 13/09/2018 17:38

Geez he's rather dim isn't he!

JungWan · 13/09/2018 18:15

Thinks he's a bit of a cyber genius, thinks he's one step ahead of you in time for the NEXT time he's rumbled. He's lining up his ducks too in his own duplicitous way. [sigh]

JungWan · 13/09/2018 18:16

Funny though isn't it, that his reaction to a meme about honesty is to create a fake account.

The best he can bring to the universe is a fake appearance of honesty

Original poster
FrigItAll · 13/09/2018 18:38

Someone clearly forgot all about 'suggested friends' when he added his Mum, niece and our teenage daughter, with a profile pic that's his face 💡😏

The irony wasn't lost on me!

OP posts:
Original poster
FrigItAll · 14/09/2018 07:25

So today's the day, I've barely slept, got up retching in the night because of anxiety, but I can do this.

OP posts:
Iwantmore123 · 14/09/2018 07:31

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lowtide · 14/09/2018 07:39

@Iwantmore123
How the fuck is that helpful.

Op you’ll have good days and bad days, and awful days, and then some more good days, it’s fluid, like 4 seasons in one day.
You are strong. You can survive - trust me!

Iwantmore123 · 14/09/2018 07:44

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Original poster
FrigItAll · 14/09/2018 08:05

From today he can chase whatever pussy he wants, young, old, tight, slack, whatever floats his pathetic, lying boat. As long as it's away from me. I'm done.

OP posts:
Iwantmore123 · 14/09/2018 08:31

This reply has been deleted

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AynRandTheObjectivist · 14/09/2018 08:36

Iwantmore just shut up. Trolling is a skill and you don't have it. You failed to get to OP because she's a smart cookie and you're an amateur who can't judge the audience, she won, you lost, get off the stage.

I swear, I don't mind if they're good, but it's just so toe curling watching absolute dimwits throwing shit at real life pain and thinking that's all it takes. It's a skill of rhetoric and nuance, you simpletons. It's like going to open mic night at the comedy club and watching someone standing on stage slobbering over the mic and saying, "Why did the chicken cross the road? Because it had a penis! Herp derp! Ur, tough crowd!"

Come back when you're not an absolute rank amateur.

AynRandTheObjectivist · 14/09/2018 08:38

And OP, you have clearly got this. Imagine life when you don't have to sit around wondering what's wrong with you (because you know nothing is and you don't have a lump of useless waste insulting and belittling you at every turn).

lowtide · 14/09/2018 08:49

@Iwantmore123
Is an 18 year old male looking for hookups and no strings fwb
Things must be a bit slow on that front if he needs to come on here and annoy people!! Maybe they worked out he isn’t 18

AynRandTheObjectivist · 14/09/2018 09:13

The depressing thing is, he is probably older. The demographic is stupid, but often not young.

fieryginger · 14/09/2018 09:27

Good luck frig you are doing the right thing. You deserve to be treated well and I am a firm believer in YOLO - you deserve so much more than this. It will be hard, but stand your ground and don't wobble. I think the faster and cleaner you do this, the better. Don't let him wheedle his way back in, he's had his chance. You will be ok. 💐💐💐

Original poster
FrigItAll · 14/09/2018 10:12

He denied it, until I mentioned one of his usernames. Then he said he never actually used them (yeah right!), then said he's never met anyone or cheated.

I have stayed calm, talked about how he obviously wants something that I can't give him, so I have to accept that and set him free to find what he needs to be happy. I know accusations and anger give him something to respond to, without those he has nothing. He said he doesn't want anyone else & I told him that I want to be with someone I can trust, who isn't careless with me heart and takes me for a dickhead. Now the silence is deafening...

I went to put some washing on and came back to find him on his phone. Whatever happens from now, I feel so relieved for saying something. Thank you for your continued support, it's helping me stay steady and strong 💐💐💐

OP posts:
lowtide · 14/09/2018 10:15

Well done! And especially well done for staying calm.

Rainbowqueeen · 14/09/2018 10:22

Well done OP

Get some RL support behind you and move on to a great new life
His reaction says it all really.

SlowDown76mph · 14/09/2018 10:27

Well done.

I was in a similar position. It was only when I hit rock bottom, and was seriously contemplating the absolute final ending for myself, that I found some shred of strength to end the marriage (of 18 years).

I predict that your mental health will make an incredible recovery and you will become healthy, strong, and happy in yourself.

RandomMess · 14/09/2018 10:53

FlowersFlowersFlowersFlowers

You will be happier in the future KOKO

Original poster
FrigItAll · 14/09/2018 11:02

@SlowDown76mph that is exactly where I'm at, I actually attempted it at the very end of last year, happily I failed. Well done for being so brave and escaping a miserable situation, I do hope you're right about my recovery. What warriors we women are 💪✊💐💐

OP posts:
WinterSunglasses · 14/09/2018 11:21

FlowersFlowers for you OP. It'll get better from here.

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