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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think my relationship is over.

168 replies

FrigItAll · 07/09/2018 09:21

There, I said it.

I just needed to express that somewhere but don't quite feel ready to do so irl. I've been with my partner for 18yrs, I still care deeply for him, but I can't do this any more. He's a decent, hardworking man and a loving Dad, but I really don't think either of us is happy any more and haven't been for some time.

We nearly broke up months ago after I discovered he had profiles on dating websites but decided to work on our relationship. He apologised, said he loved me, hadn't done anything with the profiles, didn't want to tear our family apart and deleted the profiles. Recently I've felt like I'm the only one making any real effort and most of the compromises are made by me.

Now I discover he has created new profiles, including one for casual sex. I'm so hurt and angry. Does he think I'm stupid? Does he think I'll continue to tolerate it? Or is he actually hoping to be found out, so I'll finish things and he can pretend the break up is all my fault? He doesn't know I know yet. I'm sitting on it until I've calmed down, made some decisions and sought professional advice. I know a few of you have been here (I've been reading the threads that are similar situations) and just need somewhere safe to work through my thoughts & feelings, get some support and generally a hand to hold. I'm so sad right now.

OP posts:
Original poster
FrigItAll · 27/09/2018 10:05

Sorry, DC4

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 27/09/2018 11:18

And it continues.
God he's an asshole.
Well done OP.
Let's hope he can get to his mums soon.
So what is happening with the car?

Original poster
FrigItAll · 27/09/2018 20:31

The car has been scrapped and I have the cheque to put in my account.

OP posts:
Tisahardlife · 27/09/2018 22:21

Bloody hell, he sounds awful! The quicker you have him out from under your feet the better, I cringed like mad at the broke sugar daddy carry on...

Olderbyaminute · 28/09/2018 21:44

What a cluster fuck! At least your children have an adult in their corner who cares for them and loves them dearly. Best of luck in your future

Original poster
FrigItAll · 06/10/2018 16:59

I had an appointment at the job centre yesterday to sort out some money for the kids & I. Cap'n Shag was not happy about it and 'coincidentally' my passport & birth certificate have vanished from the places they are always kept, both of which I needed for ID.

The lady I saw couldn't have been more helpful and my claim is being processed despite his efforts. She gave me vouchers for the foodbank as he's quit his job, apparently he's carried me long enough and I'll never see another penny from him! Hmm

We've had a couple of days where he's been super well behaved, but he's been queer with me since I got back from my appointment and has spent most of today in bed. The kids asked him if he's been drinking again!

OP posts:
glitterfarts · 06/10/2018 17:55

I think you should ring his mum to come and get his stuff and him.
Well done on being so pro active about your lease and the job centre.

Original poster
FrigItAll · 06/10/2018 22:55

She's almost 70 & isn't very well, or I would have. She is such a lovely woman and will be horrified when she finds out what's been going on. My SIL is slowly letting her know the facts.

I've just had DD2 crying that she shouldn't have come back from her big sister's because it's not right that I should be sleeping on the floor (I sleep in her bed when she's not here). I doubt I'll get much sleep anyway as he's been in bed all day, so will sit up with the TV blaring now.

OP posts:
nokiaoldschool · 07/10/2018 07:26

Sorry he seems to be trying to make this as hard as possible for you, hopefully that will just strengthen your resolve to get rid of him, seeing how selfish he is being.
No doubt you feel guilty about the effect on the kids (because we all feel guilty as mums about everything!) but keep being strong as it is him who should feel guilty for putting you all in this situation and then dragging it out.
It must be very tough right now and despite any MH issues you seem amazingly strong so stick at it, take faith from others stories on here that it will get better, and I'm sure in time you will be so happy that you stuck to your guns and demanded more for you and your kids.
I know I'm just a stranger on a forum, but this stranger is very impressed with your handling of an awful situation and wishes you all the best Flowers

Original poster
FrigItAll · 07/10/2018 14:10

Thanks @Nokia, my mental health has already improved a little since telling him we're over. I'm sure being honest with myself about how shitty his behaviour is, plays a big part.

My GP made a MASH referral, who contacted the children's schools to check on their welfare and offer me access to support services, without ringing my house. So many people are being incredibly supportive online and irl, personally & professionally, I'm overwhelmed. It's really helping me put things in proper perspective and challenge the belief that everything is my fault and I'm being unreasonable.

Posting here is still really helpful, thank you all Flowers

OP posts:
RandomMess · 07/10/2018 14:18

Put in a claim for child maintenance as they won't back date it if you wait and I wouldn't trust him financially Thanks

Dhapeer · 07/10/2018 17:18

What's his username on POF so I can avoid the dick?

Onlyfamandclosefknow · 07/10/2018 19:00

I'm sure that last post was tongue in cheek but don't identify yourself on here.

You are doing so well in the shitty situation he's created for you both. Keep going.

MyLearnedFriend · 07/10/2018 21:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Honeyroar · 07/10/2018 21:30

Just wanted to say how well you're doing. You're going to have ups and downs, even when he finally shifts his sorry arse, but you and the kids sound strong enough and together enough to pull each other through this and give each other love and support.

Original poster
FrigItAll · 12/10/2018 17:59

So Mr 'I'm nothing without my kids, they're my world, I'd do anything for them' has just told me that he "can't be bothered" to take our son to rugby training tonight Hmm

Asshat!

This seems to be his new tactic, trying to prove a point about how I'll manage when he's not here to "help me out with the kids". If he can't be bothered to parent his own children and actively choosing to confuse and upset them, then all I can say is that we'll be a damned sight better off!

OP posts:
PaleRider1 · 12/10/2018 19:14

You will be 100% better off without him. Didn’t take long for him to ‘not be bothered’ with the kids

Original poster
FrigItAll · 12/10/2018 21:19

Exactly!

He's not happy because I've sorted out some benefits for the children and I, until I can get some work. What he doesn't know is that I've made initial contact with my local domestic abuse service today too and will be heading to CAB next week to get some advice about all the important stuff he hasn't paid.

OP posts:
PaleRider1 · 13/10/2018 13:48

Well done you, you sound like you have this under control now.

Have your passport and birth certificate turned up yet?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 13/10/2018 13:59

So sorry to read your thread, Frig, I hope the end is in sight for you and your children. It will certainly be better to have an end than the horrible situation you're all having to put up with.

Your children sound lovely btw, a credit to you. Best wishes to you all. Flowers

Original poster
FrigItAll · 21/10/2018 17:56

DC2 is home for half term, so I went back to my own bed last night, such bliss stretching out in my lovely kingsize bed instead of cramped in her single, listening to DC4 talking in her sleep!

Cap'n Shag felt the need to 'jokingly' complain that our farty staffie was not a great bed companion, on the blow up mattress in the living room. Apparently my response of 'Oh well, I'm sure you'll soon find a new one!' was not what he was hoping for!

OP posts:
Original poster
FrigItAll · 28/10/2018 00:34

Had a couple of really awful days, where I've swung between deep, heartbroken depression and utter rage. As I found out he's been telling people that I cheated on him early in our relationship (I absolutely did not) and that there's never been any real love between us. I have loved this man wholeheartedly for nearly 20 years, supported him through thick and thin, now I find he's never really loved me? How frigging stupid am I? Years of my life have been a lie, I'm heartbroken and struggling to hold it together tonight

OP posts:
MintyCedric · 28/10/2018 01:17

Just come across this thread.

OP you sound amazing and incredibly strong. Try not to let the crap he's spouting get you down. He's only doing it because he's unable to accept responsibility for his own appalling behaviour.

When I left my XH as a result of his emotionally abusive behaviour, he was desperate to get me back, started sucking up to my parents who he'd previously treated with disdain, promised me he loved me and all sorts.

As soon as I told him I couldn't see a way of making it work again and wanted a divorce he did a complete turnabout...accused me of having other men, said our marriage had been 'dead in the water' for years...it's a coping mechanism I guess, but it's his coping mechanism. You crack on with worrying about yours so you can get yourself free and move on with your lovely kids.

mumto2babyboys · 28/10/2018 01:42

If he is shouting in front of your children you can get a non molestation order against him. Ncdv can arrange it so he can't live with you anymore either

Or do you want him around to help with your kids?

Does he have a regular job?

Cawfee · 28/10/2018 06:16

What’s the situation with him and the house? Is he still living with you? I think for the sake of your mental health you need to get him gone. It’s not acceptable for him to be saying all of that stuff about you. Tell him if that’s how he feels then put his money where his mouth is and do one