I think my relationship is over.

[FrigItAll]

There, I said it.

I just needed to express that somewhere but don't quite feel ready to do so irl. I've been with my partner for 18yrs, I still care deeply for him, but I can't do this any more. He's a decent, hardworking man and a loving Dad, but I really don't think either of us is happy any more and haven't been for some time.

We nearly broke up months ago after I discovered he had profiles on dating websites but decided to work on our relationship. He apologised, said he loved me, hadn't done anything with the profiles, didn't want to tear our family apart and deleted the profiles. Recently I've felt like I'm the only one making any real effort and most of the compromises are made by me.

Now I discover he has created new profiles, including one for casual sex. I'm so hurt and angry. Does he think I'm stupid? Does he think I'll continue to tolerate it? Or is he actually hoping to be found out, so I'll finish things and he can pretend the break up is all my fault? He doesn't know I know yet. I'm sitting on it until I've calmed down, made some decisions and sought professional advice. I know a few of you have been here (I've been reading the threads that are similar situations) and just need somewhere safe to work through my thoughts & feelings, get some support and generally a hand to hold. I'm so sad right now.

Even a bad day post-separation/divorce was a thousand times better than a good day when married.... my very poor mental health was largely an understandable reaction to untenable situation.

Just as a further post-script, although I'm sure that this is the last thing you are thinking about, after a couple of 'testers' I met a man who was loving, nurturing, supportive and became my best friend.

We've been happily married for nearly twenty years now. I remain aware and protective of my own mental health needs, in the same way anyone would with the potential for a recurring illness.

You are stronger than you ever dared imagine.

What an arse! Well done - You are strong!

He took the dog out about 10.30am and I haven't seen him since.

All week, he has been promising DD(9) that he'd pick her up from school today and take her to the pet shop to see if they have any guinea pigs. We haven't even separated and he's letting our kids down already 😡

Watching my youngest leap to the window at every noise, hoping it was her Daddy was heartbreaking. Her big brother (13) offered to take her down in the end, my sweet boy ❤️
(We drove down, they didn't have any sadly, but we made it happen, without him). Aforementioned DS has already said not to worry, he'll walk to rugby by himself, so I can take DD to the swim disco. I overheard the kids betting he's in the pub 😢

If he thinks he's teaching me a lesson, it's backfired, because he's only confirming that we'll be just fine without him.

And DD is a little firebomb, she will give him hell when he finally bothers to show up!

op, I've been there - right down to the truly shit mh towards the end when he wasn't "trying" for our marriage. Not quite to the point of suicide, but I have physical scars along with the invisible ones inside. Wanker didn't even notice [anger]

We're now three months in to separation (though he's still living here atm) and I feel better than I have in years. Seriously - it's like a fog has lifted, and he hasn't even physically left yet.

Has he showed up yet?

@Beyond, that gives me hope. I already feel lighter. Let's hope we're both completely free soon.

@PaleRider, no, but we know exactly where he is, he's so predictable 🙄

.

I had to get up at 1am, to let him in, as he was banging on the door, shouting to get in, steaming drunk. He stumbled upstairs and passed out on the bed. He's supposed to be at work in an hour, but I doubt he'll go and I'm not ringing in, making excuses for him.

He did get up for work and actually tried to kiss me on his way out the door, unbelievable!

Obviously thinks he can pretend yesterday never happened and I'll just let it slide. Not a chance.

What's your plan today OP? Xx

Yes, do something fun. Something you enjoy.

I'm having a lovely relaxed day with my youngest, playing with her guinea pig (the one she already had), drinking tea, polishing off the last of the brownie and crocheting a blanket for my granddaughter. We're going out to pick elderberries in a minute, to make syrup for the inevitable winter coughs. Enjoying the peace before Cap'n Shag returns.

😂😂 "Captain Shag"

Give him hell

Don't bother giving him hell just more cool calm detachment.

Love the Captain Shag!!!! What an idiot he is.

He's waiting on me kicking off, I don't intend to, I'm out the other side of rage, into the calm of determination.

Besides DD is doing a grand job of roasting him, for letting her down yesterday, for getting stupidly drunk & keeping the dog out and for eating her special doughnut this morning. Have at it girly! 😁

Well he'll need a secret identity after this...

He apparently already has several! 😉

Made me properly lol, OP.

You've got strength of character and a sense of humour. You're going to be more than fine.

Firstly you need to take charfe of your emotions and put that energy into you and your family, take care of yourself physically and emotionally. The more you nag and moan at them the further you will drive them, you need to be in control of the sitution and this is not the way to go about it.

Only you and you alone know if your marriage / relationship is worth fighting for, but I can honestly say the more you interrogate them, argue etc they are in control and far more likely to think about cheating or cheat, you need to be in the driving seat and turn the tables, its mentally and physically the hardest thing you will ever do, but when you get there not only will you feel emotionally stronger, but be happy and healthier and probaly be the one to make the final decision.

@AprilGal I'm not sure if you've read the whole thread, as it's quite long, but I'm not nagging, or interrogating at all. I waited until we had a day alone, told him what I knew and made my views clear. There has been no grand show down, just a calm statement of intent on my part and a pathetic response from him. This relationship is definitely over, he just has to accept that and preferably, work with me to make it as painless as possible for our children.

There's an influx lately of posters with explicitly feminine names telling us how hard it all is for men and how to make them happy.

Been following your thread - I'm in a similar position, although no kids together or financial ties - initially there was a tiny,tiny question mark that maybe this time things would change, but every time I think about the things he's done I know there can be no going back. Think it helped that the thought of having sex with him knowing what I know, made me feel sick lol.
You sound very rational - and reasonable - in your thoughts about what's best for you and the kids, and I hope it all works out for you x

Just read through your thread.... I am SO impressed with how you are handling this whole situation, and fixing your MH issues at the same time!? I think you're Superwoman.

I also think your two children sound a credit to you, so, Superwoman and Supermum. Well done you x