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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP doesn't want to marry me

547 replies

NC4THIS11 · 05/09/2018 21:50

We have one DC and I'm pregnant with our second, the past few months I've realised how much I'd love to get married. I haven't pressurised him nor have I asked him, but I've dropped a few hints for him to know its something I'm hoping for. I do want security for me and the DC but more importantly I love him and want to spend my life with him.

I saw a beautiful (but not expensive) ring in the windows of a jewellers and text him as my birthday was coming up, i told him about the ring and reminded him of my size and even made it as blatant as saying "hint hint ;)" in a jovial way, of course. That's the only time I've been so brave!

He twigged on and smiled, saying he'll see what he can do. I was elated. My birthday came and so did lovely gifts, but no ring. I had really gotten my hopes up, but I know that's my problem not his.

He has been engaged twice before and neither relationship lead to marriage. The first was in his early twenties to a longstanding girlfriend of 3 years and the second was the mother of his older DC, a relationship of 7 years. It seems he likes the idea of being engaged, just not to me?

A part of me wonders whether he's not fully committing because he thinks his ex will make an issue of it, there's been an atmosphere between she and i since we got together 4 years ago. She is happily attached but makes things difficult for DP when he has a woman in his life.

Should I just accept he's not interested in marrying me or should I speak to him properly and tell him how I'm feeling? I feel so awkward after the birthday misunderstanding, if you can call it that.

OP posts:
AnchorDownDeepBreath · 08/09/2018 10:49

I hope things go okay, OP, but I'd second making sure you know what you're playing for here...

I'm hoping having the weekend apart will prompt him to do some serious thinking and consider everything I've said, shock tactic of sorts

What do you want to shock him into? Marrying you? Would you accept now anyway; knowing that you've badgered him into it? I don't think it'd matter if he proposed tomorrow or next year now; you'd know he didn't want to do this.

Do you want a proposal anyway; to tick the box? Do you want him to tell you he does want you; but then to move on as you are because a proposal is meaningless now?

I don't really think there's any conclusion left that he can be shocked into reaching; that isn't tarnished.

LilianL · 08/09/2018 10:50

So sorry to hear what pain you're going through. Just be careful of heeding MN too much. Ask for advice within your real life circle of friends.

Cantgetthisshitoutmyhead · 08/09/2018 11:06

NiamhNaomh Beautifully written, nailed it.

Charley50 · 08/09/2018 11:11

I think you're in danger of cutting off your nose to spite your face because of this thread. If you spilt up, as loads of people are suggesting, you'll be a single parent, your kids won't see their dad everyday, your step kids will be messed around again. This all seems to be moving too fast.
You don't live in 'his' property, so that's not a problem.
Yes he work/ pension thing is an issue, but you need to balance that with the reality of the practical and emotional impact on you all, of splitting up with someone you've happily made two babies with.
You're pregnant, hormones go crazy. Yes marriage is ideal, but he's got his personal reasons for his feelings and also needs time to get his head round what you've said to him.

Charley50 · 08/09/2018 11:12

AnywY I've probably killed the thread now. It's a habit of mine Grin

mummmy2017 · 08/09/2018 11:23

Too be honest this lady had already spoke about this too her partner before she posted...
Yes it's hard too Talk, but the resentment she feels won't go away, unless some kind of agreement is reached.

longestlurkerever · 08/09/2018 11:28

I agree Charley. I don't think "would you even want it now?" stuff is overdramatic and unhelpful. The OP's DP does not value marriage. He may not truly want to propose. Plenty of people don't marry and have very successful relationships. It's only a problem because the OP does want it. So someone has to compromise. Compromise isn't very romantic, so the OP is going to be understandably disappointed on that front, but it's not necessarily relationship ending if the relationship is otherwise strong. Actually I went through something similar to the OP but pre-kids. In the end DH decided that getting married was more important to me than not getting married was important to him and we got married. That's not very romantic on the one hand, but it hasn't affected the stength of our marriage as our relationship was actually very strong - and the disagreement about marriage not ultimately fundamental. I actually feel now that I could have been happy not married if I had understood his reasons as well as I do now. But Dsis went through something similar and in the end her DP did propose and she said no and split up - somehow the nagging doubt and resentment had killed their relationship. It's very personal and having the whole of MN telling the OP her relationship is already dead is not really helping things. I agree with a PP that you could do with some real life support OP.

Original poster
NC4THIS11 · 08/09/2018 11:47

Hello all, I've read through all the new replies. Thanks again for all the input.

I've heard from him this morning to say he's switching one of his days off so he can take me out to dinner on Friday if I'd consider it. I've said I will. I'm not sure what the 'point' of it is but I'll gladly go and hear him out as I wonder if he's got anything in particular he wants to say, a sincere apology perhaps

Its been a long time since he's wanted to take me out to dinner so I presume the weekend apart thing has given him a kick up the arse about taking me for granted, I did tell him before he left for work yesterday that he has been doing that for the best part of a year.

No clue where to go with the marriage/splitting conversation but I do love him even if he is a commitmentphobe, he's a good provider and a hands on loving father which has got to count for something

Let's see what happens

OP posts:
Original poster
NC4THIS11 · 08/09/2018 11:51

I've decided I want to go back to work FT in the interim, its important I gather some financial security separate from him in the event that we do part ways be it now or in the future. I'll go over splitting the costs with him over dinner. He can afford to pay the remainder to take DDs childcare from part time to full.

OP posts:
longestlurkerever · 08/09/2018 11:51

That's good OP. Going with an open mind but clear boundaries about not being taken for granted sounds good. I wish you well.

troodiedoo · 08/09/2018 11:55

thanks for the update OP.

hope you can have a sensible honest discussion on Friday. and a nice meal.

Cliveybaby · 08/09/2018 11:57

I'd agree with not cutting your nose off to spite your face.
as @longestlurkerever says and others...
This might be the shock he needs to re-evaluate - his choice as he sees it now is probably split up or get married. If he'd rather get married than split up is that a bad thing?

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 08/09/2018 12:00

I think that sounds promising. It's good that you are setting your life up so that you can support yourself if needs be and that you stop facilitating his life such that he takes you for granted.
If he doesn't want marriage, well that's his choice, but he shouldn't get to have a wife in all but name.

mummmy2017 · 08/09/2018 12:00

Let him talk, don't offer info or anything, just let him lead the conversation.
You may find he has realised he has been an obsitnate idiot, and can now see what he will lose.
If you try to lead you will never know and could talk yourself out of what you want...

Cantgetthisshitoutmyhead · 08/09/2018 12:07

Remember exactly what you've just said, you love him, he's a good provider and a loving father, those are beautiful things to own. Plenty married couples have none of the above, your richer than you think! Good luck with date night

timeisnotaline · 08/09/2018 12:35

Sounds sensible op. I fully agree with the op who said you can’t let him lead a facilitated life if you stay together. He doesn’t even pay minimum maintenance for his other children. You need to maintain independence.

WellThisIsShit · 08/09/2018 12:40

Humm, make sure he’s not thinking one dinner will shut you up then he can go back to ‘normal’ and pretend nothing has happened.

I agree with both extremes of posters in some ways, and therein lies the problem. You shouldn’t be making any dramatic hyped up gestures on the back of this thread, absolutely. But I also don’t think you should just settle and swallow your hurt, and just ‘get over it’ because you’re financially better off this way.

Hopefully you’ll find your way through this, to the right decision for you. Flowers

BloomsButtons · 08/09/2018 12:41

OP just be aware he may propose over the dinner. If I were you I'd have a response ready just in case.

VimFuego101 · 08/09/2018 12:49

I thought the same thing about the proposal over dinner. Do you think it's worth asking him in advance if that's his plan, to save yourself an awkward moment in a restaurant?

mummmy2017 · 08/09/2018 12:57

Don't ask what he has planned.
If he decides that he will propose, you need to react, things sometimes natural evolve, and he needs room to let things happen without pressure...
If there is an agenda sometime you lose out.

fiercelikefrida · 08/09/2018 13:03

I think financial security is a bit of red herring here. I think if you own property (properties), have pensions, investments etc marriage is important. For people who live hand to mouth, renting and just covering their expenses marriage is less important from a security perspective. Yes there are benefits that can be claimed only by a spouse if their spouse dies and a small tax break for married couples, but that's about it. My friends that have been married and divorced didn't benefit financially when the marriage ended. They were worse off then I was unmarried (and separated) because they had to pay for a divorce. One hasn't even received child support even going through CMS.

This is much more about him being committed to the relationship and the family. I don't think you're wrong for feeling the way you do. See what he has to say at dinner. Good luck.

ElspethFlashman · 08/09/2018 13:10

I think it's highly unlikely this man will propose over dinner! And I doubt OP will be too impressed if he does. But doubt it. He's just not into it.

OP you sound like you are thinking along very practical lines and that's all you can do. The only person you can rely upon is yourself as legally you are solo. I admire your resolve.

NiamhNaomh · 08/09/2018 13:27

I cannot for the world of me see why anybody would have an issue if the guy happened to propose over dinner next week.

The OP has only just conveyed to him how important marriage is to her. This guy seems to have had no clue about the OP perspective and to have a completely different perspective himself. If he happens to have taken on board the seriousness of what the OP has said and had a complete rethink and re-evaluated his principles it would be really fucking weird for the OP to turn around and go “Fuck off, you didn’t propose at the top of Table Mountain in a hot air balloon before I raised any of my deeply held perspectives on marriage, I could never consider marrying you now”.

Irish3008 · 08/09/2018 13:37

Anyone else think there's a vibe on here at the moment to break up all relationships? Sometimes I know LTB is appropriate and healthy but it's happening all the time!

OP - if he does propose or even if he doesn't, please remember this is your life. Nearly 20 pages of random strangers telling you to LTB must be hard to read. Just keep it in perspective.

Charley50 · 08/09/2018 13:55

@NiamhNaomh - totally agree!