ABSOLUTELY DO NOT become a sahm without getting married. You would be SO vulnerable, frankly trapped!
I too despair of the NUMEROUS threads of this type. I personally made it clear to my ex from early on that to stay with someone long term would mean marriage and THEN DC. Either not being forthcoming were deal breakers for me.
I'd seen the mess that not being ACTUALLY married but behaving as if you were can bring.
The fact is, without that LEGALLY BINDING contract which affects so much in the event of several potential life changes, generally women are screwed!
Another thing I'd be asking you if I were your friend op - how does he treat his ex that has his other dc? What was her position when they broke up?
And that is actually the only relevance his ex should have to you, on this issue.
Re why those relationships broke up - you only have his side of things!
Pallisers is right - change your perspective from "am I good enough?" To "is he good enough?"
You're both also focusing only on in the event of separation. At the moment that's the most likely issue BUT you never know what's around the corner. The situation that made me so firm on not having DC without marriage, not committing without marriage was seeing a relative go through a hellish time as a young mother with 2 DC's who's partner died unexpectedly very young. They lost their family home and were left in dire straits financially. It's rare but chronic serious illness, disability and death DOES happen to young parents too - and it's even more important then to have clear financial support in place. As most uk law currently stands if he were to become sick, disabled or even die while you were a sahm you'd be EXTREMELY vulnerable financially.
Another thread currently running the op THINKS they're covered (mirror wills, death benefits assigned to each partner etc) but the truth is unless you're married his other relatives (inc his DC from his previous relationship with the ex that doesn't like you as their rep!!) can appeal wills, take over funeral arrangements, override clinical decisions...
There is nothing you can do legally that completely replaces what marriage provides.
Also, though, even "just" looking at the possibility of separation (the irony being this is looking increasingly likely) as a joint tenant - you're still not completely protected in terms of a roof over your/your DC's heads, the MOST you would probably get is the cms minimum cm. It would be incredibly hard if not impossible to show you're due half any other assets. Especially if you're a sahm and not earning.
Eg - you say you're saving for a house, is that money in a joint account? Can you prove your contributions to it? Ditto current account.
He could argue if you're a sahm that you've not actually contributed.
One good thing is that at least you know now exactly where you stand while you do still have a job and have the full true info on which you can decide whether to stay part time or try to go full time, if you even stay with him.
The emotional distress his mum experienced when her relationships ended would have still been the case whether she was married or not! Being married though meant it was far easier and more clear cut for her and her husband's to sort out legal/financial separation of home and other assets. Is SHE anti him marrying? Do you get on with her? What's she like?
I can understand pps saying if it's an otherwise good relationship then readjust on marriage, but there's clearly other problems too.
His poor communication, avoiding serious conversations/conflict are also very worrying. He sounds very "fairweather" partner. Do you really think you can rely on him if you or the DC become sick or disabled? Will he be genuinely supportive when you're dealing with the various bereavements we all have to deal with?
He also doesn't seem to really care about your feelings, only really reacting when things start to negatively affect him! That's not autism that's being a selfish twat! Do you have any info from HIS EX'S side of why they broke up? I too am thinking they probably had damn good reason and it wasn't necessarily the lack of a wedding ring!
I asked why he was sad and he said because he feels like he's crushed my dreams and that I'll act differently toward him now THAT is what he cares about, NOT that he's 'crushed your dreams' but that it will negatively affect him!
"when he can't even be arsed to take me out to dinner once a month" when I was first considering divorce a similar lack of effort on ex's part was part of the reason and I didn't think it would be "accepted" legally. I saw a divorce lawyer and she said absolutely lack of effort in maintaining the relationship would be seen as more than acceptable. We went to counselling and I thought we were sorted - he apparently didn't and had an affair. No relationship can be successful unless BOTH parties contribute effort.
Also, sorry op this is blunt, but his not paying the MINIMUM amount he should for his other DC is a HUGE red flag! It doesn't matter that she accepted it (more fool her) it matters that HE doesn't think HIS CHILDREN are worth even the minimum! What a pathetic loser of a man!
Seen it SO often on here, op's expecting men to behave differently with and to them than they did to their ex's - why? He's still the same person!
I foolishly upset myself falling for my ex's line of crap on his being a better husband/father to 2nd wife than he was to us - I later learned it was completely untrue! He now has 6 kids and has never changed a dirty nappy, cheats on her repeatedly and still won't lift barely a finger re housework! At least I only had 1 DC with him.
"It's like these women who have a new husband and want him to abandon his previous children, but don't realise any man who would do that will do it again to her children." Absolutely!
Cantgetthisshit - sorry I disagree, marriage didn't wreck your relationship. I don't think you truly loved your ex or at least not enough - ie you weren't that into him. If your relationship was truly strong no way would it have been dead a mere 10 months into marriage. Marriage doesn't change your relationship or who a person is in any fundamental way.
Jellie how old are you? Because I honestly believe when you hit pre-menopause and the reality of never being a biological mother yourself when you've admitted it was something you wanted, you will regret staying with him and resent him. Are you prepared legally for his death? If you both own your home his dd will have a claim there. Plus potentially other assets too.
I personally know of a situation where a friend of my mums lived with her partner for 20 years in his former marital home. He had DC from the marriage. When he died they were adults, she'd no legal claim to the property (despite cash payments to him towards mortgage and repairs/maintenance) they were able to force the sale of the property to access their inheritance and she ended up both evicted from her home of 20 years and with nothing to show for it and no means to buy elsewhere and unable to get a mortgage. Basically all the money she'd given him was thrown away. She'd been one of many (seen on here frequently) that believed that common law marriage was a legal entity and she was protected. She hadn't a leg to stand on.
Taylor there's really no true legal/financial sub for marriage. Far too many variables to cover especially when he has 2 DC from a previous relationship.
This is not the only reason myself and others are saying he's not a great partner/father, there's several other reasons not least that he's not paying even min cm for his other DC. There's also his immaturity when dealing with conflict/difficult conversations.
Cantgetthisshit - if scots law applies he can't disinherit his kids anyway.
"Absolutely, but OP would only be entitled to death in service if they remain married.." Not necessarily. If my ex had died in service after our divorce but before he remarried I'd have received his death benefits.
As I see it you currently have 2 options:
1 leave - not without its problems and I say that as a Lp of 15 years who never regretted the decision
2 stay but plan to return to FT work and put in place as much as you can to ensure security for you and DC. If he won't agree to even basics like mirror wills and life assurance and you working FT I'd think very poorly of him, you'd be a mug to stay in that case to be honest.
IF he proposes I'd accept ON CONDITION that a date be set ASAP and firm arrangements made to actually marry - don't end up strung along even more.