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Original poster

DP doesn't want to marry me

547 replies

NC4THIS11 · 05/09/2018 21:50

We have one DC and I'm pregnant with our second, the past few months I've realised how much I'd love to get married. I haven't pressurised him nor have I asked him, but I've dropped a few hints for him to know its something I'm hoping for. I do want security for me and the DC but more importantly I love him and want to spend my life with him.

I saw a beautiful (but not expensive) ring in the windows of a jewellers and text him as my birthday was coming up, i told him about the ring and reminded him of my size and even made it as blatant as saying "hint hint ;)" in a jovial way, of course. That's the only time I've been so brave!

He twigged on and smiled, saying he'll see what he can do. I was elated. My birthday came and so did lovely gifts, but no ring. I had really gotten my hopes up, but I know that's my problem not his.

He has been engaged twice before and neither relationship lead to marriage. The first was in his early twenties to a longstanding girlfriend of 3 years and the second was the mother of his older DC, a relationship of 7 years. It seems he likes the idea of being engaged, just not to me?

A part of me wonders whether he's not fully committing because he thinks his ex will make an issue of it, there's been an atmosphere between she and i since we got together 4 years ago. She is happily attached but makes things difficult for DP when he has a woman in his life.

Should I just accept he's not interested in marrying me or should I speak to him properly and tell him how I'm feeling? I feel so awkward after the birthday misunderstanding, if you can call it that.

OP posts:
LeftRightCentre · 07/09/2018 22:14

He's text again asking if I'm OK hmm

Just ignore him. He's trying to make it all go back to normal by gaslighting you. Don't fall for it. You need space to think.

offtocornwall · 07/09/2018 22:16

Don't feel bad or stupid OP. You are just one of millions of women in this country who have been sold the fallacy that 'it's no longer 1950..you don't need to be married'.

If truth be told you are probably just a step ahead of the majority and been brave enough to ask the question and more importantly face the answer. The majority of unmarried women with children would want to be married if they had the choice- trouble is - they don't. They have jumped the gun and had children with men who consider them 'good enough for now.. ' but not the 'one'. They square this in their minds by pursuing their partners mantra of 'we don't need a piece of paper ' - because to say they do when none is on offer is too humiliating for words and will probably mean facing up to the fact, like you have done OP - that in their partners eyes - you aren't quite marriage material.

It's a grim situation.
Leaving to let him see what life looks like without his cut price chief cook and bottle washer . Is the only possibility of him rescuing this. (As long as you are in the mood to forgive)

AynRandTheObjectivist · 07/09/2018 22:18

I genuinely don't need a piece of paper or a law to tell me how in love we are.

That is not what marriage is.

Original poster
NC4THIS11 · 07/09/2018 22:19

@Mycatiskillingme Jesus Christ your poor friend, that's really shocking

I'll never ever understand how things like that happen, how can you want to marry somebody you've known three days and be so sure as to do it. Did they end up staying together for long do you know? I'm intrigued

I hope the lady (your friends sister) found somebody much more deserving. What an utter bastard of a man

OP posts:
Original poster
NC4THIS11 · 07/09/2018 22:21

I haven't replied and won't.

I'm not going to be talking to him at all until Monday

He's going to his brothers from work tomorrow, if he needs anything from home he knows when I'll be out the house

OP posts:
AynRandTheObjectivist · 07/09/2018 22:24

If you do what you always did, you'll get what you always got.

Get ready for great things, OP. They are long overdue.

Taylor22 · 07/09/2018 22:29

You need to not get wound up in the drama of this forum.
Because at the end of the day commenters will get bored and stop replying but you'll be left with the consequences.

You're kicking him out.
How are you going to afford the bills?
Do you understand that according to CMS your children are not entitled to the same maintenance as the first born? Have you even been on the calculator?

To be honest I don't see why he's being slaughtered so badly on here.
He's not strung you along. He's not forced two children on you. You keep a home with him. You might do the washing but he's also bringing in the money.
Everyone here acts like you haven't gained from the relationship.

He doesn't love you enough to marry?
Why don't you love him enough not to force it?

So in both scenarios someone loses?
Again this goes right back to the fact this should've been discussed by the party this mattered to at the beginning.

LionsHeart · 07/09/2018 22:29

Tell him you're busy packing his stuff up to take when he goes.

RockinHippy · 07/09/2018 22:34

Get ready for great things, OP. They are long overdue

That's my feelings on this one too.

Op, you are being amazingly strong, he cannot not help but respect that in you, even if he doesn't want to right now. He has been disrespecting you for a long time when he's strung you along. You've now taken hold of the whip & are demanding his respect (& I'm sure all of us here too). He will see you in a different light, it will scare him, but he'll know what he's losing. Whether you believe in him again is another thing, it might be too little too late, only you can know that depending on what pans out over the next few days/weeks. Whatever happens you have you've taken back control👍🏼

Haireverywhere · 07/09/2018 22:36

I've read all your updates OP. You have got your answers and did well to keep talking the last 24 hours despite it obviously hurting to hear the truth you dreaded about him not wanting to marry. You know where you stand now and the PPs have given good advice about a break from texting etc now.

Unless he'd somehow change I don't think you two would have fared well at marriage. Look at how he's stonewalled and talking to him is like pulling teeth! This would have potentially been the situation every time something sensitive/ embarrassing/ contentious came up. For whatever reason, as a couple you'd become surrounded by elephants or else you'd have gone mad trying to raise issues with a brick wall! Poor communication kills relationships.

If this is the end then in time you can find someone who would give you the commitment you want and be delighted to!

KennDodd · 07/09/2018 22:56

Well done op. I've been following this thread and seen how much you've grown. When you were first coming to terms with this you talked about sounding childish but you sounded so much more mature and grown up than on the first few pages. Two bits of advice I'd like to add. Don't raise your daughter to dream of marriage as a life goal. Don't (quite) write off marriage with your partner yet unless there are other problems. A friend of mine (female) always wanted to get married, partner (male) dead against it. Eventually they got married even though he still didn't want to or wouldn't have chosen to. The reason he got married was because he saw how much it meant to his partner, not being married was making her a lot more unhappy than being married would have made him. There was no resentment about it and he saw that he would lose her without it. They've been married 20+ years now are very happy but if left up to him would have never married.

JellieEllie · 07/09/2018 23:00

@offtocornwall I absolutely did miss the point you are right, I posted before reading the rest of the thread. I'm caught up now it wasn't just about a ring on the finger. Sorry OP.

GuavaPalava · 07/09/2018 23:20

Well you've escalated all this quickly OP. Hope you don't live to regret it. Try and remember that it's you who's got to raise two small children alone and all your cheerleaders on here will melt away when the next drama filled thread comes along

I fully understand the wanting to be married thing. Your timing for kicking him out isn't great though and you've said previously your relationship is good. You clearly want shot of him though despite starting the thread wanting marriage. All the best with it

QueenOlives · 07/09/2018 23:21

Op you are awesome and preserving your dignity. well done WineThanksGinCake

pisces12 · 07/09/2018 23:28

Im a bit late to this but have you considered a civil partnership rather than marriage?

LeftRightCentre · 07/09/2018 23:32

Im a bit late to this but have you considered a civil partnership rather than marriage?

That is still not an option for heterosexual couples. A court case was won but that doesn't translate to immediate law.

SherlockStones · 07/09/2018 23:35

Taylor22

This is a very measured view, never surprises me how much posters love to stoke the flames in threads like these. Many of these suggestions are tantamount to emotional blackmail and passive aggressive behavior.

In my view he hasn't done an awful lot wrong despite being made out to be the Bogeyman by many here.

Original poster
NC4THIS11 · 07/09/2018 23:35

I've not booted him out only asked him to stay at his brothers for the weekend, I'm certainly not about to make him homeless I just wanted some time to gather my thoughts and think he will benefit from the same.

I'm hoping having the weekend apart will prompt him to do some serious thinking and consider everything I've said, shock tactic of sorts

What the outcome of that will be I have no idea but I'm really upset about this

OP posts:
pallisers · 07/09/2018 23:41

Why don't you love him enough not to force it?

Because not marrying may make a material financial difference to her and her children and should certainly be taken into account if she is deciding to take full maternity leave or even stay home and mind her children.

Taylor22 · 08/09/2018 00:37

So there are ways around that that don't involve forcing him to make a binding life changing decision that he has repeatedly and calmly stated he does not want to do.
OP is not wrong to want to get married.

He is equally not wrong to NOT want to get married.

Doesn't make him any less of a good partner and neither does it make him any less of a good father.
If OP wants to leave because of this fine.
That is her choice. But she has now decided to bring two children into the world without ensuring that this thing which is such a huge deal to her but never before been discussed has been sorted.

People who believe marriage is a super huge massive deal talk about it before making huge life long commitments. Like having children.

tillytown · 08/09/2018 01:49

Doesn't make him any less of a good partner and neither does it make him any less of a good father.
Breaking up your family over something you knew the other person wanted, and claimed you wanted too, doesn't make you a good partner nor a good father. It actually makes him a selfish twat who only thinks of himself.

Scott72 · 08/09/2018 02:02

I mostly agree with Taylor22 there. But the question is OP, would you want to be married to him even if he were to offer? All these disagreements point to some fundamental incompatibilities which marriage will not solve. Just because you've muddle through the past few years together does not guarantee future success.

MamaOotie · 08/09/2018 06:49

I actually agree with taylor don't get swept along with righteous indignation. You've got to live with this long term.

How about looking at a middle way, you stay in the house and co parent with him whilst the children are young. In the meantime you look into regaining your financial independence and build your own security blanket for the kids.

Feelings are raw right now but think with your head not with your heart. All the emotion isn't good for you right now and at least you know where you stand and what you want so you can plan for the future. There doesn't have to be drama.

Onedayy · 08/09/2018 06:59

I also agree with taylor and I was going to say similar when I read that you had kicked him out.

Also agree that a lot has happened in 24 hours which would not have happened if you hadn’t been spurred on by the 17 pages of messages. Where would you be now if you hadn’t posted and how would you be feeling?

I wouldn’t make any life changing decisions while you are currently pregnant. Why not give it a bit longer? Have your baby, let things settle and review it then. Also your partner hadn’t considered all the legal/financial implications of marriage which tbf most people don’t (including me btw and if I had I would never have married because I came off worse in divorce as I worked and exh didn’t.)

In a way I am quite sad to hear the ending of your story, if it is the end.

Figgygal · 08/09/2018 07:28

Where do you go from here op?

You've still got 2 children to raise with this man