Husband has walked out on marriage

[Jules1429]

Hi. My husband is Forces and he went away for 5 months. He lived the life of a single man and had all his washing, ironing, cleaning etc done for him. Upon his return I could tell he had something on his mind. He sat me down one night and told me that he loved me but was not in love with me anymore. I asked him if there was someone else. He told me No but a few weeks later I saw a message arrive on his phone and he admitted to a 'fling'. I told him to pack his bags and leave. This was 7 weeks ago. I thought he would come back after a few days and beg my forgiveness. He has not. He has packed his entire contents from the house and moved back onto base in a single room. My two girls and I are beyond devastated. I asked him if he would like the marriage to work to which he replied "it would be like flogging a dead horse". He is still in contact with this woman and wants a relationship with her. Has anyone else had anything similar? I've pointed out to him that his feelings for me have obviously gone onto her and she has given him the attention that he lacked at home. His confidence is through the roof whilst mine is rock bottom. I keep getting panic attacks as the girls and I have to move house, schools, county etc. This was something I thought we would do together. He told me he has not been happy for a while.

The I love you but not in love with you speech is often indicative of there being someone else sadly. He is playing the cheaters script out to perfection.

The website called ChumpLady could also be your friend here; do not do the pick me dance again. I would seek legal advice asap with a view to divorcing him asap and do not assume he will be at all reasonable going forward either. This man is not your friend here; he is now really a stranger to you. Your main priorities now are your children and you.

SSAFA may also be able to provide you with some assistance to your family.

I just noticed you hadn’t had many replies which I’m surprised about as you really need support in such a difficult situation.

I really feel for you and just wanted to say I hope you will be ok at such a difficult time. I hope you have some good friends around you.

x

This is typical of a cheat.
The 'love you but not in love with you' line is classic.
Also the re-writing of history (i.e. not been happy for a while)
None of it is true.
It's all to make themselves feel better about what they have done.
It's horrible but you will get through this.
Do you have family and friends around at all to help support you through this?

A relationship with her right now will be all shiney and new.
That will soon wear off when she has to wash is stinky pants and pick up after him.

But for now you need to get through this bit as best you can.
Look after yourself!! That's very important.

There was a very similar thread to this on here earlier today. Take no nonsense from him, don't cry and plead - that will just make him feel stronger. Hopefully he will be shamed enough to give you practical help with the move.

I'm not sure what your question is, so I will guess.

It is over. I'm sorry but you have to accept it.

Show your girls that you are a strong independent woman who doesn't need a man in her life. Certainly not a cheating man.

Sure you are hurting but it will get better. Don't do the pick me dance. Don't humiliate yourself. Focus on you and your DDs. Don't waste your mental energy on him.

A life well lived is the best revenge.

I have had similar only mine left about 3 weeks now leaving behind his family stating he loves me but now not in love with me...25+ married with 3 awesome kids now in their 20's and he being 60 years of age...while I am much younger than him. I would do everything for donkey's years and still am and despite him having done this several times this one was different. Hr packed all his stuff and has been staying at camp but soon will be renting a place to stay which he refuses to disclose to anyone of us. His mother cannot understand his behavior and seriously neither can I but he had been having an emotional affair which he denies stating they are just friends...he was looking for happiness and was not content with what he had...which was a loving wife, kids, a lovely home, no financial worries and always was treated like a king...but that was not enough...I am devasted to be honest as i love him so much and in a way feel sorry for him because happiness comes from within....how sad...is it a midlife crises or is the affair still on going and he is just buying time...is it worth it? I cry everyday since he left and sometimes just cannot be bothered to get out of bed...I just wish he came back so that we can fix the marriage but at the moment he is adamant that its over...I don't know what to do...

Love to you OP

It's a big shock op, make sure you look after yourself and get lots of support in real life and on here. xx

They all think they are unique but usually say the same old lines:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1634754-Men-affairs-what-is-the-script?pg=1

Be kind to yourself. It is a shock and a grieving process. But you will come out the other side. Because there isn't any other option.

Gather people around you. Friends. Family and professional help if appropriate.

Don't show him any emotion. I know you are falling apart inside but don't let him see that. My kitchen was the cleanest it had ever been when ex use to pick up the kids at the start. I stayed out of the way and would call out to the children to have a lovely time.

Don't engage in anything you don't want to. Keep contact about the kids and money. Talk maintenance and contact for the children. They need consistency and routine where possible.

You want to make sense of this but that isn't possible because it makes no sense unless you are a selfish arse who walks out on your wife and kids.

Remember to eat and just do what you can to get through each day.

I'm so sorry, it must be dreadful for you and your children. I'm at a loss as to what else to say but I really feel for you.

He's the loser here though, long term.

You need to protect yourself and invoke the 180.

Not every point will apply to you ...but you'll get the gist of it.

It's designed to help you gain strength and confidence and live a good life without without your spouse.
**

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow him/her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.

10. Do not spy on spouse. 11. Do not say “I Love You”. 12. Act as if you are moving on with your life. 13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive. 14. Don’t sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc. 15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. 16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. 17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse. 18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold – just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing 19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around. 20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while). 21. Never lose your cool. 22. Don’t be overly enthusiastic. 23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). 24. Be patient 25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. 26. Learn to back off, shut up and possibly walk away. 27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). 28. Be strong and confident. 29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write. 30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy. 31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. 32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared. 33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. 34. Do not backslide from your hard-earned changes.

2 things to think about if you do this:

1. You have to do the 180 list NOT to be manipulative but because it’s the right thing to do for you. You have to heal from this experience. You have to back off for your own sanity now. You have to have a plan and know that you will be a better person with or without them after all is said and done — that you will live and learn and move on no matter what. So you have to be geniune when you follow these ideas, rather than faking it and being insincere because your only goal is to get them back. That’s not what you want to do. Having a certain person as our spouse is not a need, it’s a want.

Trying to do that, I mean block him out of my mind yet its not easy as things around the house reminds me him together with certain routines and not forgetting habits...and yes, it hurts like mad...for him to just carry on like I never existed..my feelings do not matter that is absolutely devastating.... Taking one hour at a time for the moment.. Very tough

Just get through each day as best you can. Box up his stuff move things around the house buy new sheets. Try and make small changes that make the place feel different. I know how hard it is. But he won't like that you are taking some control over the situation. If you are really struggling do go and talk to your gp.

I'll never understand men. Seriously - why do so many of them do crap like this? It's pathetic.

Anyway, OP... where are your family, mum, dad, etc? You don't have to go through this alone. Could you live with your parents until you've sorted out the divorce and schools, etc?

I've been divorced and it's really not as bad as you think it'll be, once you've let go of the hope of a reconciliation. Hope really holds you back. You need to touch rock-bottom to be able to push back up again.

Have you accepted it's over? Please try. It feels like it'd be the most painful thing to do, but it's a short, sharp stab of pain and then you can start putting plans together.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. But honestly, it will get better soon. You will be OK.

See a solicitor

Do you wish/ need to move house/ area / school/ job ?

How often are the children going stay on base with their father ? How else does he plan to care for them ?

No parents are deceased...

crazychick67... Are you the OP with a name change fail?

If you're a separate poster, please start your own thread. The thread is being hi-jacked, and it is not helpful to either party here. You'll get individual advice that way.

So sorry both of you are suffering here.

Jules and crazychic
I was you 14 years ago.
I didn’t have mumset then but I did have the support of my three awesome children, my fabulous mum , two beautiful grandchildren and fabulous friends.

It was a very heartbreaking time of my life...every emotion you are going through...I did exactly the same...and cried for England too.

I didn’t want to accept it. Not only did hope hold me back, it stymied my recovery.

30 odd years married. I was 52
I wish I did lots of things differently but one thing I will never regret is living my life to the full
I accepted every invite. I went on holidays on my own. I tried new things. Sailing and skiing.
I visited our house in Florida many times without him. With mum, with daughter and grandson, with friends.
Everyone rallied around me ... I will always be grate fun for the Support I had.
The divorce was horrendous I won’t lie but I came out of it very well. By then he was on affair number two and I just wanted rid of him. He’d turned bitter and nasty and I was just relieved he’d moved to Dubai by this point.
Made my life so much easier.

By the time I was 56 the divorce had just gone through. He could barely hide his contempt for me by then.
He was the big ‘I am’ in his field but was made to feel like a naughty schoolboy when his lies were found out in his divorce papers.

He used to love to snarl at me ‘see you in court’ , well he did and he made himself look like a right arse.

Anyway fast forward ten years and he did me a huge favour. Me and my second husband will shortly be celebrating out third wedding anniversary and ten years together.

I’m so happy. We are so happy. We hope to have a long and hopefully healthy old age together. We’re off down to Dorset on Sunday for ten days and then Tenerife for three weeks. We visit our caravan for four days a week
My life would not have looked like this with my ex

We built up a lovely family. He thought the world of his kids. We nurtured and protected them from the outside world as much as possible...yet the one person who caused so much devastation in their lives...was their own father.

He died a very unhappy man.
Estrayfrom his beloved daughter and three beautiful grandchildren that he never got to know.
A wife, he told my son, he never really loved.

I was just relieved I was spared the agony of nursing him through his aggressive cancer.
He probably resented me for that as well.
He wanted and expected me to go under.
I’m just glad he lived long enough to see how empowered I became and how happy I was.

Sorry it’s so long but I hope it helps.

Omg...didn’t realise it was that long 😱

Thank you Dowser... for the advise and encouragement ....I will give it my best shot not only for me but also for my kids...hard it will be but there is always hope at the end of the day especially as I believe in KARMA...

Wow Dowser what a story. You sound very strong and it sounds like you came through it to have a lovely life.

@Jules1429 How are you today?

Thanks crazychic and Cramer

I’ve had a lot of bad stuff happen..most I never talk about but my philosophy, especially as I’ve got older is we’ve been the gift of ONE life...so let’s live it.

If you’ve lost someone...live the best life you can
If someone does you down..well the best revenge is to live your life and extract every drop of juice out of it. Don’t give them the pleasure of thinking they’ve got you down and out

See it as your time to shine.
Cry and grieve for what you’ve lost. That’s Important. It’s a process and use the process to get through it but don’t let it get the better of you.

And Laugh. look for the funny. Even in the midst of our sorrow and deep grief ...there will a,ways be something to ignite that spark.
Very important to keep that alive.

My husband makes me laugh. In our early days before we’d met up, he thought he’d upset me in an email and wrote...peeking round the keyboard ...I thought was lovely.

He sent me a text saying he was sat in his yard with a bear and a panda.
Made me laugh..he’s dyslexic. He was in the yard where his fiat panda was parked and he was having a beer. Well he’s from Sunderland..I suppose you say Be-arr when you’re from there 😂

Hope you’ve got something I. Your life to spread a little joy today 👍

Thank you for thinking of me. I’m really struggling with everything at the minute. My husband is walking round like he’s not a care in the world. His inconsiderate demeanour is devastating to me. I never thought he could be this cold.

Hi Jules,
That is the same question I keep asking myself...he has left me also to deal with everything that needs doing for the home while is in a flat without any care in the world....as he knows whatever happens I will deal with what has to be done...Selfish and a Coward comes to mind at present... Equally devastating for me too

Well just came from a Relate meeting. This is the first meeting whereby I felt I put my strong self across even though my heart is breaking. I look at the man who is still my husband but who now belongs to another. I came out of the meeting feeling like a strong woman and I hope it showed my ex that this will not define me. It was also the first time I've not cried in a meeting. I told the counsellor and my husband that the line "I love you but I'm not In love with you" is the typical cheaters line and that my husband was not as unique as he first thought and that I think he's actually done the girls and I a favour. Will no doubt cry my eyes out later but I need to be strong as feel as though I've finally now accepted its over.