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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband has walked out on marriage

160 replies

Jules1429 · 03/09/2018 09:50

Hi. My husband is Forces and he went away for 5 months. He lived the life of a single man and had all his washing, ironing, cleaning etc done for him. Upon his return I could tell he had something on his mind. He sat me down one night and told me that he loved me but was not in love with me anymore. I asked him if there was someone else. He told me No but a few weeks later I saw a message arrive on his phone and he admitted to a 'fling'. I told him to pack his bags and leave. This was 7 weeks ago. I thought he would come back after a few days and beg my forgiveness. He has not. He has packed his entire contents from the house and moved back onto base in a single room. My two girls and I are beyond devastated. I asked him if he would like the marriage to work to which he replied "it would be like flogging a dead horse". He is still in contact with this woman and wants a relationship with her. Has anyone else had anything similar? I've pointed out to him that his feelings for me have obviously gone onto her and she has given him the attention that he lacked at home. His confidence is through the roof whilst mine is rock bottom. I keep getting panic attacks as the girls and I have to move house, schools, county etc. This was something I thought we would do together. He told me he has not been happy for a while.

OP posts:
Zoflorabore · 11/09/2018 15:43

So sorry for you both ladies. Think it's great if you can help eachother through it, friendships start in the most unusual circumstances and I believe having one another to talk to will help you both.

In time these stupid men will realise the severity of what they have done and it will be far too late for them. The grass isn't always greener on the other side and the novelty will wear off.

Very best wishes to you both Flowers

Herewegoagainx1000 · 11/09/2018 16:06

I'm so sorry you ladies are going through this. Be honest with yourself though, if he did come back could you ever trust him not to do this again. I doubt very much you could and the life you would lead being together would never be the same. You would never be the same. Suspicious, paranoid and would never be able to forget it.. forgive maybe but never forget.

I've been fortunate enough to not have ever been in a serious relationship where i have found the DP to have cheated on me but through my struggles with my DD's dad i always said to myself "would his behaviour be acceptable if this was happening to DD and what advise would i give her"

The answer was no i wasn't acceptable, i did deserve better and i would tell her that now was the right time to leave and move on. That's exactly what i did and never spent a moment looking back.

We all deserve to be with someone who LOVES and RESPECTS us. If he doesn't do this then he is not worth it.

I hope you remind yourself everyday that you deserve better.

Crazychick67 · 11/09/2018 16:07

Yeh, we need all the luck in the world..

Honeyroar · 11/09/2018 16:09

They say they want to be friends because it makes them feel better. In reality they're not remotely treating you like a friend, and would they like it if you called round on them like a friend?? I doubt it!

They may seem happy with their new ow, but it more than likely won't last. The ow can't be shocked when it happens to her - he'd shown he was a cheat when she met him.

Someone told me when my ex cheated, you have a thin window while they feel guilty. Don't use it trying to win them back, use it to get everything pinned down in the way you wanted. You don't really want them back, you'd never trust them again. You're just grieving for the life you thought you had, but he was faking that. Stay strong, be angry, fight your corner. You have to go through the sadness and pain to go forward. You both sound like you will.x

Crazychick67 · 11/09/2018 20:48

Well, went to see him this evening and had a chat..he stated that he was not ready and wanted more time...my response was "how long" his answer was.."not sure". In response to that, I stated.. I would not be waiting indefinitely " he needed to sort his head out as it was not fair on the kids let alone me"! Then talked more about other stuff.. It was a pleasant evening and at the end hugged and kissed. Right now, I am confused or is he just playing me..buying time. I seriously do not know what to think anymore...SO CONFUSED!

RabbitsAreTasty · 11/09/2018 21:10

Keeping his options open. You are the fall back in case his preferred options don't come off.

Gemini69 · 11/09/2018 21:46

Keeping his options open. You are the fall back in case his preferred options don't come off.

this Flowers

Honeyroar · 11/09/2018 21:57

Oh Crazychick be careful.

Crazychick67 · 11/09/2018 22:04

I really don't know what to make of this.. He seems to be on what's up the whole evening..not charting to the kids so...who is he chatting with???? Do I really want to do this or play this game again...!!?!?!

Jules1429 · 11/09/2018 22:47

My husband always on Wattsapp too. That's how he communicates with his OW. Well I went to view a house tonight. It's smaller than we have now but it may be the fresh start the girls and I need. The married quarter we are currently in is huge but holds too many memories as a family of 4. I've decided moving house would be good and I can make this new house our new home. The estate agents called and said the landlord would like me to take it. I feel one major change at a time. Still within walking distance of the school. Crazychick67 it's very easy to seek the smallest amount of hope from what these men are doing to us. I told my husband tonight that his girls will know I fought to keep our family together and that no man would ever make me want to walk out on them. I even told him to go and enjoy his single life and new blossoming romance. Don't mean it though. Does anyone know how I can send a private message with my mobile number?

OP posts:
IsaidMrDarcynotArsey · 12/09/2018 00:01

The top line on all posts if you look at yours above says your user name, then add message , then report and the bit you want is the last one message poster. Click on that ( and I would suggest you send a test message to the person ) to make sure it is the right person ... before including your number. ) So find a post by crazy chick click the message poster send message - to retrieve answer you have to log in see the My Mumsnet section on the top of page : click where it says that, then the second drop down option is “ Inbox “ that’s where your reply should go to ! HTH. Darcy x

Dowser · 12/09/2018 04:15

Oh ladies. Couldn’t sleep and just logged on
Just wanted to let you know you are still in my thoughts and hope you’re not wide awake racked with grief.

Hopefully you can do something nice tomorrow that will bring you happiness and peace despite the misery that is around you.
One minute, one hour , one day at a time...you will get there...and they lose more than they ever gain

Crazychick67 · 12/09/2018 10:06

Aftery last post yesterday...the truth by all supporters...I realised that I cannot do this anymore... He is playing me for a fool and it hurts...I am currently sobbing my heart out at this very moment typing this message... How could he do such a thing...the deceit and lies.. and everything else....just because I loved him ...what right does he have ...I am crying is it because I have realised that what I had has gone...the marriage that I was proud of the effort I made all ...I DON'T think I want him back...I don't have the strength to go through this again...I just cannot do it anymore....

Haireverywhere · 12/09/2018 10:23

It's time to get angry at being treated this way! That will help you see them for what they are. I don't doubt the pain will still be there. But anger is healthy and will help keep you strong enough to withstand the crap!

Crazychick67 · 12/09/2018 11:00

Thanks...I have totally blocked him...I do not want any contact from him...ifche needs to discuss anything ..then that can be done via the kids...
I shall still be posting up dates on my situation.
So now, I am going to start by carrying on and just get on with it
Like I always had done in the past..Best of luck to him and his OW..

Haireverywhere · 12/09/2018 12:04

At a girl! You've got this.

Keep going.

Crazychick67 · 12/09/2018 12:20

Will keep clinging..already started with the so long awaited worked that needed attending to..been calling trades men etc., so trying to keep busy and most of all POSITIVE...I will get through this without him xx
For my kids...and ME

Crazychick67 · 12/09/2018 12:22

I meant Busy AND not clingy..(mob auto correct) GrinSmileSmile

Jules1429 · 12/09/2018 20:35

It's awful to see you going through the same as me. The hurt I feel is someone's so unbearable and then I start over analysing everything and wishing I had done things differently. We can't change the past but we can take control of the present. Crazychick67 I will send my mobile number xx

OP posts:
Crazychick67 · 12/09/2018 21:09

Jules ..pls do...he saw the kids today for dinner..lucky I am to have a very strong daughter who stated to him that he was thinking of coming back it would have ylto be for the right reasons (meaning me and the marriage) and not walk out again 6 months down the line..as she explained to her dad that the situation he had put his family was awful and if then decided later that he did not want this months later it would literally destroy me and they would not be here with me for support..they just feel that he is aware that he is my weakness hence can do as he pleases.
Last time, I said yes within a few days of him walking out ..this time he has been gone for a month! That is what is scaring me and what if he decided no he did not want to come back?? Yes, I will be devastated..BUT, I noticed as the days are passing, I am crying less ..could it be the Beta blockers? And the antidepressants., maybe. The idea of him with OW makes me really feel sick but and there is nothing I can do...just decided to block the thought and do something to distract me...Hard as hell but I will keep trying and eventually it will pass and the same for you Jules. xx

Crazychick67 · 12/09/2018 21:11

Jules will check on you tomorrow..xxx

Honeyroar · 12/09/2018 21:12

You'll probably have a lot of ups and downs, and have more tears and anger, but you're on the right road.

Get busy with your house renovations Crazychick. I think it's good to change the house a bit, put your own mark on it. When I broke up with my ex I bought him out of the house and initially just a new duvet cover, cushions and lamp changed the bedroom enough to make it feel different and mine. I later redecorated the whole house myself. It took a year, but kept me busy. I then sold it and moved away from the area, making a good profit.

Have either of you considered counselling? I had three sessions when I broke up with my ex, and it really helped me stop blaming myself.

Crazychick67 · 13/09/2018 09:00

I have been see a therapist have had 3 sessions so far but all they seem to do is listen...no advice and only question me a couple of times "what do you think you deserve".. In response, i stated " I deserve to be happy and it was not right /fair for him to have taken this step especially as he had clearly stated he could not fault me cause I did everything right"! I think that is what is annoying me .... I kept him first and me last...all these years when you are always last, how do you start thinking about putting yourself first?
When we met 2 days ago, he had the chick to ask me for my E cig battery as his was not working....so I gave him mine (wish I did not now)...then I thought ....really??? He wanted to be independent (no mentioning the OW) why could she not get it for him? Seriously..also that he was running out of the liquid....for the vapour...so I just said he could get them from Poundland...but, they are not always available (did not offer to get them for him neither tell him that I have some at home!)...
All the things that he took for granted... Every piece of clothing from inside out was bought by me! (His money) but my taste...

Crazychick67 · 13/09/2018 09:07

I am definitely not blaming myself as I know that I put more than 100% into the marriage...he did not. I gave everything whole heartedly and even the kids saw that... My conscious is clear and clean...his is not hence the bags under his eye. He was surprised that I had none!...well, thank God for the antidepressants as they have a sleeping aid in them and I sleep right through!..lol!!!

Crazychick67 · 13/09/2018 12:50

Jules, how is day going?..xx