Husband has walked out on marriage

[Jules1429]

Hi. My husband is Forces and he went away for 5 months. He lived the life of a single man and had all his washing, ironing, cleaning etc done for him. Upon his return I could tell he had something on his mind. He sat me down one night and told me that he loved me but was not in love with me anymore. I asked him if there was someone else. He told me No but a few weeks later I saw a message arrive on his phone and he admitted to a 'fling'. I told him to pack his bags and leave. This was 7 weeks ago. I thought he would come back after a few days and beg my forgiveness. He has not. He has packed his entire contents from the house and moved back onto base in a single room. My two girls and I are beyond devastated. I asked him if he would like the marriage to work to which he replied "it would be like flogging a dead horse". He is still in contact with this woman and wants a relationship with her. Has anyone else had anything similar? I've pointed out to him that his feelings for me have obviously gone onto her and she has given him the attention that he lacked at home. His confidence is through the roof whilst mine is rock bottom. I keep getting panic attacks as the girls and I have to move house, schools, county etc. This was something I thought we would do together. He told me he has not been happy for a while.

Wow - well done OP.
It's hard going though.
You will have ups and lots of downs.
But you're ready for them.
KOKO!

I think I will always have ups and downs and what ifs and why's. I've been told many times that I can't change the past but I can determine only my journey and not my husbands. I have to make my journey, my journey. I will take on board the mistakes I have learnt from this relationship and hopefully gain from them.

Well today I'm feeling so lost. My husband has the girls today. Got a solicitors letter advising he wants a shared care arrangement! The distance between us is unreal. He said I've been acting like a petulant child with my behaviour. He's so hurtful with his words. Trying to remain strong but really struggling today.

How is he going to have the children 50/50 if he is in the forces? And if he is in a single room at base, where is he going to live with the children?

You may not realise it now, but sometimes a shared care arrangement is quite helpful. You get some freedom and can get on with getting a job and career going, and don't have the relentless daily grind. In other words you get a break from the children. Thats the upside. The cynic in me feels he may want shared care now, but will his new partner?

How the frickety fuck will he get shared care ? Is he expecting you to move out of your Forces house so he can have it and you move elsewhere (but local), as that's the only way it could happen...The selfish arse.

Stick it out as long as you want in the house. You will have pressure put on you to move but dont if you dont want to

How are you acting let like a petulant child in his eyes then? My first husband told me he wasn't in love but still loved me. I made the decision to split as it broke my heart to know this even though I was still in love with him. Happy with second one and never forgotten first who is miles away apparently but left me with a lot of shit ie debt that I didn't know he had accrued etc. Look back and realise he was actually very selfish. Lots if issues won't go into. Seems awful now OP but you will get through it. It's normal to grieve (even when people know its for the best and it's their decision to part and I know it wasn't yours in this case) the loss of a relationship. Just focus on you and dcs. He has made his decision. Accept it and move on. If you have to move then view it as a fresh start. Spend today enjoying doing things you like. See a friend or family if you can't face staying or out doing a bit of shopping. Don't mope. Dcs won't want to come home feeling sorry for you. Get busy! Keep busy!

Shared care is very difficult for those who are in fully mobile military jobs.

It can be pretty tough on DC to be always on the move even when their parents are together, and it's just not on otherwise. Stability in schooling is important (military families attract Pupil Premium because moving so often means outcomes are below where they should be).

Families with shared care also do now necessarily qualify for CEA! So he's need to have them over 50% if the time and state he wouid out them in boarding school, in order to match the stability they would have simply by living with you. As you can see, his position isn't reasonable! But I guess he's thinking that he can get a house rather than a room if he has >50% of residency of the DC.

That is not a child-centric position, not least as it is silent on what would happen if he is deployed. Why put DC through living with a guardian when the mobile parent is away, when there is a non-mobile parent who can offer stability, continuity of education etc.

Yes, you wouid probably need to live in an area which is not too gopping a journey from his main/likely 'home' locations, and will need the patience of a saint to deal with the vagaries of military life (even at one remove, it'll have an impact and sometimes he'll not be able to do anything about it).

The previous poster who mentioned SSAFA made a good call. Most of their volunteers are really good.

"Stick it out as long as you want in the house"

He has to pay the rent for 90 days after he officially changes his status. After that OP wouid have to pay, and the pressure to move out will ramp up. They won't evict if there is a reasonable plan for when you'll be gone, but they'll need the quarter for another family and won't extend indefinitely. Welfare Officer and SSAFA can advise. Padre (even if you're utterly irreligious) is usually pretty useful too.

Hi Jules

I’m in a similar situation but 6 months on. It’s absolutely devastating when someone you thought you’d spend the rest of your life with suddenly tells you they don’t love you any longer. I’ve got a thread on MN and the advice and support has been my lifeline.

I decided total NC was the best route for me, I haven’t seen or spoken to him since he left in March.

I’ve just issued a divorce petition and I won’t lie, I’ve been quite sad again this week knowing he’d been served with the papers. I am, however, feeling much stronger now and don’t spend all my days crying. It’s been a very difficult few months but I’m stronger now. We were married 23 years together 25. I was devastated to discover he was having an affair as I thought we were happy. I was totally blindsided.

You’ll get through this horrible time. Concentrate on you and your DC’s and just get through each day as best you can.

I think Dowser’s post is really inspiring and it has given me some hope that life can be good again

Big hugs to you

I can't comment on the logistics of a shared care arrangement with him being in the forces as I have no experience of that but wanted to back up the others in what they've said.

When DS's dad left me it was devastating. I remember telling my mum it physically hurt to breathe which sounds so melodramatic now but I remember it. It was like having a permanent panic attack and it was awful.

The good part of them deciding they're done is there is no back and forth. You have no choice and you can't be tempted by the pick me dance because it's done.

I sat and made a list of all the things I had wanted to do that I hadn't been able to do that exdp didn't approve of. Some big things (like I got my degree) and smaller things (dancing around like a crazy person with a glass or two of wine/having friends over/leaving the dishes until the morning/watching a sex and the city box set etc) and everytime I felt it get on top of me I picked something off the list and did it making sure I fully appreciated it was something I couldn't have done if he was still around without a lot of sulking or an argument.

With regards to learning to let your kids go for access:- it's tough. They've been your whole world since they were born and you've more than likely never been away from them for a long stretch of time. It's an adjustment and you have to be kind to yourself and acknowledge it's difficult without putting that on the kids.

I promise you though that long term it's a blessing. You get some time back to be entirely selfish which not many parents get. I tried to see it as, eventually you have to let them go and go to uni or move out or whatever and you have to find a way then to fill up your time that for so many years was taken up by school runs and lifts to clubs or friends houses and all that - you're just learning to let go a little bit a few years sooner. I'm not explaining it very well but it helped me to think of it in those terms. Something that had to be done eventually either way and I was just facing it sooner than I would otherwise have to.

I also kept in mind that no matter how much I hated exdp and no matter how much I hated the idea that whatever girlfriend he had at the time would be there, DS wasn't in any danger. Exdp doesn't meet my standards of parenting but DS doesn't come to any harm being there.

In the early days it was actually helpful. I got a day here and there to fall apart after keeping it together in front of DS.

I'm 6 years on and I can honestly hand on heart say that my life is SO much happier. I am chasing dreams I'd given up on (and achieving them). DS going to stay at his dad's is just my new normal now and I can even say I don't hate my ex any more. He'll never be my favourite person but we have vaguely friendly chats every now and again and I don't resent him for his actions back then, I can accept now that we just weren't suited.

And once you're the other side and you build up your life on your own to one you want, it gives you a new inner strength you never had before. I got together with my now DP a little over a year ago and I have no idea whether or not we'll be a forever thing or not but I very strongly know that either way I'll be absolutely fine and its so refreshing to be able to be in a relationship knowing that, it means you never accept less than you deserve.

This all sounds like some twee self help book extract but I just wanted to tell you that you will be absolutely fine and everything I've said is 100% true - you just have to get through this shit part first and then there's a much better life waiting for you so just remember that on your worst days 💐

I'm so sorry- my phone app randomly chooses when it does and doesn't want to use paragraphs 🙄

I feel your pain...going through the same...I keep praying for this nightmare to end with me in one piece and stronger...I certainly know how you are feeling. OP....If only we could get together and console each other....

This time last year, this was me. 7 months pregnant and 2 children. He walked out and suddenly met an old girlfriend 🙄 my whole world fell apart. It was the hardest year of my life.

But!! Things are so so so good now. It's taken a long time but I've realised how unhappy I was anyway and really, he did me a favour.

I unexpectedly met someone else 4 months ago and he is respectful and kind and thoughtful and happy to take things as slow as they need to be. I've moved house, am getting sorted financially, and I have my beautiful (slightly feral) children.

He split up with the OW, begged for another chance with me, and ended up moving back in with his parents.

I promise you, things will seem bleak and hard for a while. Getting used to him having the children is bloody hard. But you will get through this - you're much stronger than you think.

Make the most of the forces family support and family and friends - and be kind to yourself x

Thank you to each and every one of you who has kindly posted. Your support is invaluable and very honest which is what I need. I find the sudden coldness from my ex very difficult as he used to be so affectionate. Obviously OW is getting this now. I just find it very hard to accept that at Easter we were making plans to purchase a house and now he has left a marriage to continue with new relationship. It's like we've never been married at all. He told me yesterday that he thinks he's not been happy for 4 years! Really! How come we were planning on buying a house then? It's like someone has taken him over 😢. I will survive this.

@Jules1429 hugs to you! Men can be cruel. You will bounce back from this x

Tell him you aren’t interested in his thoughts and feelings - settling child, housing and fiscal matters yes - anything else NO. He alone made that choice - tell him to toddle along and have his toxic emotional dump elsewhere thank you very much.

Well yesterday plans were starting to take shape. I offered my husband one last olive branch by texting him:
A lot of hurtful things have been said and done which cannot be taken back unfortunately. Before plans become actions, are you sure this is the path you want to take?

I've not had a reply. At least I know I did all I could to fight for our family unit.

He will be rewriting history in his own mind. He knows he has done wrong but in order to look at himself in the mirror he will be telling himself he has been unhappy for years, you pushed him into every big decisions, etc. You can't fight that.

Maybe all you can do is to do the same, focus on the things about him that pissed you off, the times when you felt bored or unhappy, refocus on different parts of your history yourself to help yourself move on.

I agree, as I have been trying to do that...focus on the empty promises he had made...but I have to be honest at least with myself that every single day since he left I have cried...I sent him a nasty text last Saturday....regretted it the next day...have arranged to meet him this evening...am I stupid!!!! but I just wanted to see him...how can one remove feelings for somebody i have spent half my live with? I have known him since I was 24 and now I am 50...how????

Try and concentrate on yourself and the girls. Find where you'd like to be (nearer family and friends?). Make yourself feel safe and secure. I'm all for father's access, but I expect he will move around a lot anyway, so you pick somewhere secure and he can deal with it..

You're doing really well. Keep thinking of strong you in that meeting - don't let any letters or texts sway that. You will get through this.

Crazychick67. It is so difficult and I fully understand where you are coming from. My husband has left us high and dry. When I had him I hardly ever text him but all I want now is to be near him. I've done the no contact rule for 3 day's now and I must admit I don't look at my phone as much and feel a bit more in control. I need to stop focusing on my husband and this other woman and start focusing on me. I think you and I should do this together. If you wanted to talk in person I am very happy to send you my number. I awoke today just wanting to offer an olive branch. Don't know why but I just felt empty. He has finally replied and totally skirted around the question and wants us to be amicable and that he still cares for me and is sorry that it's come to this. All I've ever wanted is for him to knock at the door and ask me to take him back. He never has and never will. His OW must have made him feel pretty special which kills me inside. I also can't get over the fact that he's still married to me but is now in a new relationship!! Really can't get my head round it. One day at a time.

Jules...how kind for the mob no...l shall certainly take that from you... I have no family here apart from my kids...I too want him just comeback knocking on the door and let by gone be gone...I miss him even tho he has hurt me so badly..but he does not want me any more which really hurts...2ndly, I also think he has somebody because as he stated, he was not depressed...for a man to leave a 26year marriage, sacrifice his family and leave them...stating he just wanted to be on his own and is looking for happiness??? I find that very hard to swallow... I also feel he is buying time so most probably some months down the line, he can then say that he has met somebody and then he can be openly seen with her???
He seems to be always on what's up in the evening ...not with the kids...unavailable during the weekends... He seems to be a viable Monday to Thursday...what does that imply? Sooner or later the truth will show....but I have to admit...its killing me!!!

By the way, he is 60yrs old!

One more thing Jules, he does the same...he wants us to be friends! And has not answered my question about somebody else...keeps denying it...I just wanted the truth...is that so much to ask? Or is it because he is ashamed of what he is doing and feels that his kids would think differently about him? Hence coming out with this shit that he "doesn't love anymore" is it to ease his conscious???

This is one of those times when Mumsnet really comes through. You have got great advice so nothing to add except try not to read into anything he says beyond noting "ah that's in the Script" to save your sanity. The amount of re-writing history that goes on is terrible.

You are worth more. You are well rid.