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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband has walked out on marriage

160 replies

Jules1429 · 03/09/2018 09:50

Hi. My husband is Forces and he went away for 5 months. He lived the life of a single man and had all his washing, ironing, cleaning etc done for him. Upon his return I could tell he had something on his mind. He sat me down one night and told me that he loved me but was not in love with me anymore. I asked him if there was someone else. He told me No but a few weeks later I saw a message arrive on his phone and he admitted to a 'fling'. I told him to pack his bags and leave. This was 7 weeks ago. I thought he would come back after a few days and beg my forgiveness. He has not. He has packed his entire contents from the house and moved back onto base in a single room. My two girls and I are beyond devastated. I asked him if he would like the marriage to work to which he replied "it would be like flogging a dead horse". He is still in contact with this woman and wants a relationship with her. Has anyone else had anything similar? I've pointed out to him that his feelings for me have obviously gone onto her and she has given him the attention that he lacked at home. His confidence is through the roof whilst mine is rock bottom. I keep getting panic attacks as the girls and I have to move house, schools, county etc. This was something I thought we would do together. He told me he has not been happy for a while.

OP posts:
Ooglies · 29/09/2018 21:34

How long is the window

Jules1429 · 02/10/2018 20:27

Well found out today the hubby's woman is pregnant.

OP posts:
PlinkPlink · 02/10/2018 20:55

I've been lurking for quite some but feel the need now to de-lurk, now ive caught up.

I'm so sorry OP. This is such an awful situation for you. Your poor girls. And now that news....

Do you need any more convincing that this man is an utter bag of dicks? And that you are better off without him?

Come on lass, turn that hurt into anger and rage. Calm anger and rage. Channel it into being cold and professional with him at all times. No begging. No checking to see if he'll come back. Straightforward.
He'll find that hard to deal with. It really sounds to me like he's loving it when You ask if he'll come back. You're reassuring him that you miss him and want him still. It's sickening.

Can't believe he would devastate your poor girls!

Thinking of you OP X

hellsbellsmelons · 02/10/2018 21:59

Not a huge surprise but a massive shock for you OP.
I'm so sorry.
Now it's time to get everyone on board.
You need love and support and you no longer need to keep his dirty secret.
He should be fucking ashamed.
Please look after yourself and let others help!!!
Been there and got the tshirt and my friends and family helped me through it.
I fucking hate men.
Grrrrrrr

Honeyroar · 02/10/2018 22:00

Oh Jules! That must have been a shock. How did you find out?

It may sound like he's moved onto a new happy family, but in reality he's going to find it really hard. A new relationship, a new home and a baby thrown in! It's hardly going to be all champagne and romance, he's going to have sleepless nights and nappies.

PlinkPlink · 02/10/2018 22:15

Vodka and Chaka Khan anyone a la Bridget Jones ?

That film always cheers me up.

Or Chicago. Nothing cheered me up more when my ex cheated on me. Twas great envisaging him being murdered several times over.

Seriously hope you're okay OP though. Sending hugs Flowers

SandyY2K · 02/10/2018 22:24

He's going to be a daddy again! No need to delay with the divorce and moving away now.

wictional · 03/10/2018 21:01

Sorry to hear that Jules! All the more reason to get back home with your DC.

Jules1429 · 03/10/2018 21:14

I've suspected all along she was pregnant. Told him I'm starting divorce proceedings and to basically F**ck Off.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 03/10/2018 21:23

You poor thing. He should be ashamed of himself. How will he explain that to your DDs?

How did you find out she's pregnant? Did he tell you?

Jules1429 · 04/10/2018 04:31

We were discussing child maintenance and he said about future payments may need to be looked at. I asked him outright and after saying "I don't have to answer that" he admitted "yes she's pregnant". He said she was going to bring baby up on her own if he returned to us. He's been pulled in every direction but he's chosen her. I always had a feeling from D Day she was pregnant. He's now going to move in with her and baby,

OP posts:
Catastic · 04/10/2018 05:39

Well their 'romance' will hit the wall once the reality of a tiny, non-sleeping baby hits won't it?
Hard enough to deal with a newborn in a supportive, committed relationship, let alone one that is short-term and founded on lies and deception.
I can't see their relationship lasting Jules, I really can't. And by the time it falls apart you will be stronger with a fabulous new life, surrounded by good people who love and care for you.
I know you can't see it now, but I promise you that you are stronger than you think and your future will be bright without deceptive knobhead in it Flowers.

Sohardtochooseausername · 04/10/2018 06:05

Hi Jules, I am so sorry this has happened to you. I found out about my partners second affair 2 months ago. He hasn’t moved out yet. It is really hard.

The thing that has kept me going is my friends and family - after the first affair we moved back to my hometown for a fresh start. It wasn’t so fresh as he started cheating on me, but at least I am not lonely as I was before.

Now you know about the baby I think you have every right to go back to your home with your lovely children and make a fresh start and be supported by people who love you. You deserve to be with people who think you’re great. You’ll get through this. It’s one day at a time and it’s crap, but I know it will get better - for all of us.

Jules1429 · 04/10/2018 06:58

The support from every one of you has been and is truly amazing. We can do this x

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 04/10/2018 07:48

Wow. Unbelievable.

I can't imagine the shame of it for the both of them.

He already feels the shame by hiding it.

Most people are happy when they're going to be a mum/dad. His child (poor innocent thing) has two parents with low morals and values. Great start in life eh.

Well their 'romance' will hit the wall once the reality of a tiny, non-sleeping baby hits won't it?
My thoughts too.

Hard enough to deal with a newborn in a supportive, committed relationship, let alone one that is short-term and founded on lies and deception.
They'll soon find out.

Jules

Are his family aware he's having an affair and his OW is pregnant? As an affair child would be an absolute dealbreaker, I'd be ensuring they knew about it... before they try defending him and making excuses.

As you know for sure he didn't use protection, get yourself tested for STDs if you havevnt already. He's risked your health through his infidelity.

I do wonder when MM have affairs and don't use protection....what on earth their thinking. Too trusting of the OW who says she's on BC. Idiots

saltandvinegarcrisps1 · 04/10/2018 08:16

Jules been reading your update - must be like a knife in your heart... .but also think of it as the last nail in the coffin. You KNOW now there is no going back and once that realisationation kicks in, you can start to move forward. This shows you were right to want to move as so sad to say, the new DC will be prioritised physically (although I don't want to say he won't still love your DC) and he will see less and less of your DC.

I am 10 weeks after d-day after 23 years and 2 amazing DC. He left for a woman He was accused of having an affair with when I was pregnant with DC1. I don't think he did but their relationship did cross a line. She was also having an affair with another man and my H told her to stop as it was a really bad thing to do (although looking back, maybe Have was jealous he couldn't have her etc.). She's now come back into his life via work and they've basically picked up where they left off but telling everyone nothing happened until after he had left - yeah right.

I've been on the same roller coaster as many but with every stunt they pull, your love diminishes and your heart gets a bit colder. I'm still devastated but feel a bit dfferent in my core now, IYSWIM? I can now start to see light at the end of the tunnel and I now know I will be Ok. Dont feel sick any more when I think of them. Panic attacks have stopped.

So I am wishing you love and surgery to get through this like you know you can.

saltandvinegarcrisps1 · 04/10/2018 08:17

Love and strength not surgery!!! Although I can think of some surgery for him!

Jules1429 · 04/10/2018 10:50

I told everyone including his family the day I found out about his affair. I've also told everyone about her being pregnant. He's not contacted anyone in over 12 weeks since I found out about the affair. Told him I'm starting divorce proceedings ASAP. I wouldn't touch him with a barge pole now.

OP posts:
Catastic · 04/10/2018 14:53

Well done Jules!
You are going to leave him in your dust. You sound strong and determined and you’re being an incredible role model for your girls. You can do this.
We are all here waving pom poms for you.

Crazychick67 · 06/10/2018 16:45

Hi saltandvinegarcrisps1
I feel your pain as I am in a similar boat ( have posted my situation) and its really hard. I had given my H till end of last month and when we met, he said he was not ready and needed another month so now I'm waiting. He said he did not want a divorce..also stated I did not seem to understand so than why does he want me to wait? I said we need to go to Mediation and get the ball rolling but he is not ready..so I really don't know what to do or expect...he is keeping me in limbo..

Jules1429 · 01/01/2021 23:19

Well just over 2 years later and start of a New Year. my girls and I are settled up North and life is a lot more positive now. Girls see their dad every few weeks as he drives up to see them. Him and his other woman now live together with their child. He reduced his child maintenance due to him travelling. But you know what? I'm nearly out the other side feeling a lot more stronger and happier. I've provided the girls with a lovely little home and my girls have made me proud. For anyone going through something similar, I am here to talk.

OP posts:
Thisendsnow · 02/01/2021 00:08

What a fab update that you're in a much better place! I'm sure it will give hope to other women who see themselves in this post.

Iris3456 · 02/01/2021 09:19

Hi jules. Always good to know what happens. Well done to you for sorting a new life for yourself and your children
Mine (funnily enough ex military) left after 20 years, 2 young children 3 years ago for a family friend. Divorce only finalised August. It's been hell and followed the same script pattern as yours, apart from the OW pregnancy. That must have been particularly difficult for you.

I'm far more settled now, particularly as the divorce has finally been sorted. He has bought a house with ow now and is setting up. Just the occasional pangs when I think of it now. It was hard due to him lying about ow for pretty much the whole time - only just admitted it which hadn't helped my healing. You had hard proof I suppose.

How did you make peace with it all? Did him being a distance away help (the thought of that sounds glorious to me!)

willowmelangell · 02/01/2021 09:37

What a great update @Jules1429. Wishing you and your dd A Happy New Year!

barebetty · 02/01/2021 17:17

Wow. So pleased for you. Amazing strength you've shown Thanks

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