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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband has walked out on marriage

160 replies

Jules1429 · 03/09/2018 09:50

Hi. My husband is Forces and he went away for 5 months. He lived the life of a single man and had all his washing, ironing, cleaning etc done for him. Upon his return I could tell he had something on his mind. He sat me down one night and told me that he loved me but was not in love with me anymore. I asked him if there was someone else. He told me No but a few weeks later I saw a message arrive on his phone and he admitted to a 'fling'. I told him to pack his bags and leave. This was 7 weeks ago. I thought he would come back after a few days and beg my forgiveness. He has not. He has packed his entire contents from the house and moved back onto base in a single room. My two girls and I are beyond devastated. I asked him if he would like the marriage to work to which he replied "it would be like flogging a dead horse". He is still in contact with this woman and wants a relationship with her. Has anyone else had anything similar? I've pointed out to him that his feelings for me have obviously gone onto her and she has given him the attention that he lacked at home. His confidence is through the roof whilst mine is rock bottom. I keep getting panic attacks as the girls and I have to move house, schools, county etc. This was something I thought we would do together. He told me he has not been happy for a while.

OP posts:
Crazychick67 · 16/09/2018 19:20

Also, being on what's up early in the morning and late at night..where he is not talking to the kids so..who else??? All the pieces to the puzzle are lining up and a story is starting to emerge...just the final piece

Jules1429 · 16/09/2018 19:45

Honeyroar
He says I'm moving to make it harder for him to see the girls. I'm only here due to his job. I can't stay here as I feel I would only be staying in case he came to his senses and came back but deep down I know that's not going to happen. I need to go home and get girls settled into new home and school and have the support I've not had since I had children. I just want to be furthest away from him as possible. He's saying that child maintenance will be much less as he will have petrol to pay for. Tough. These choices are being taken due to his affair.

OP posts:
Honeyroar · 16/09/2018 20:48

Well you are ruining his lovely life where he gets to play with his new lady and you sit meekly on the sidelines minding his children. Poor man.

I'm all for dads seeing their children, but when he has a lifestyle that moves him around you give them the stability and he has to fit around that.

How far away will you be, if he will spend so much on fuel?! Just keep telling him the girls having stability after their world has been blown apart is the most important thing, not fitting in with what he wants, plus the solicitor can sort out money decisions.

He has thrown his bombshell, bowled you over, but now you're getting back on your feet and starting to fight your corner. He won't like it, but nevermind. I quite enjoyed realising that I could fight for my corner and tell him what I wanted, when he expected me to be broken.

Jules1429 · 17/09/2018 08:40

Honeyroar
We will be moving 420 miles away so his round trip every other weekend is 840 miles plus bed and breakfast for 2 nights. I can't think of him. I left behind my family and friends to make a life with him and now he doesn't want me anymore. He will have to make the effort but I must admit I do hope he starts to ring up and say he can't make certain weekends. I didn't sign up to marriage to lose 26 weekends without my girls or half the holidays. This is not my doing.

OP posts:
Jules1429 · 17/09/2018 13:03

Well the hubby has just called and said we need to discuss everything and had the cheek to call me darling!!!! Gave him a piece of my mind and sent him this:

The stark reality is that you have fucked up and are going to lose your girls because of it. You will do the journeys at first but then a top table will come up, a rugby weekend away or you simply can’t be arsed to do the drive. Then the phone calls to the girls about you not being able to make it to see them will start. I’ve fought like a tiger for those girls and our family since day 1 as I didn’t want their lives to be disrupted like it’s being done now. I could clearly see the severity of the outcome of your actions, you blindly didn’t. Now you’ve realised your girls are not going to be around. These last 2 months have been the hardest of our lives but we’ve gotten through it without you, just like we will the rest of our lives.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 17/09/2018 13:07

Well done OP.
These men never realise what they are actually giving up.
But they soon realise the grass is not necessarily greener.
Keep going with your plan.
You need some support around you asap.
HE did this.
HE messed up his life and your life and the life of your DC.
HE gets no say in what happens next.
Stay strong OP.
You sound truly amazing (although you don't feel it)

Jules1429 · 17/09/2018 14:12

Being strong is what is needed but it's very scary. When you think you have your life mapped out and then it's a sudden U turn. I will never become complacent again. I will do this. It will be hard and take a while to settle but I will make damn sure my girls and I survive this and show shit head that we can manage this without him.

OP posts:
SugarandVinegar · 18/09/2018 09:02

You're doing really well op. It's mind blowing that he has the cheek
to expect you to live your life to accommodate him. Your message to him
sums up the new reality he's going to live by very well. He wanted the
life of a single man and he's being granted it and all the bells and
whistles that go with it.

Your girls are going to be just fine with you and your family around them - he has a lifetime to regret his selfish choices.

Crazychick67 · 19/09/2018 11:19

Jules,
Hello...been going through the steps you are taking and I am so proud of you. It has inspired me to also make a decision to my similar situation
I gave him the option to decide by end of this month to sort his head otherwise I will go ahead with filing for a divorce. Also, the docs have increases my medication so I want to get better for ME! He can go to hell but I have had enough.

notapizzaeater · 19/09/2018 11:31

You're doing brilliantly - why do they always ruin it !

Don't want to upset you but have you checked with your solicitor About moving so far away ? There's been threads on here before about there 'D'H stopping them from going so far.

Jules1429 · 19/09/2018 11:38

As long as I stay in England that's fine. Scotland, Wales, Ireland and out of the country another matter.

Crazyshick67. Take each day at a time as my mind changes daily from being strong to weak. It's so difficult but hopefully meds will help.

OP posts:
Changedname3456 · 19/09/2018 11:52

I’m not sure (although not a solicitor) that 420 miles, even if you’re in the borders of England will be “fine” if a court considers it. Depends on if he takes steps to get a PSO and then a hearing I guess.

I’m a bit torn in a response, tbh. I get your POV (honestly). But my ex cheated on me and then took my DC (after a court battle which didn’t go my way - clearly) 190 miles away from where they’d been born, gone to primary, had lots of friends and contact with paternal family etc. My 50:50 went to eow and half hols.

That absolutely fucking killed me. Still does, and I don’t think I’ll ever properly forgive her for it, and nor is (or ever will) my relationship with my DC be the same as it was before.

I get that he cheated on you, but he didn’t cheat on his kids. Is moving them really what’s best for them (as opposed to your hurt / interests right now)?

1Wanda1 · 19/09/2018 12:04

He's saying that child maintenance will be much less as he will have petrol to pay for. Tough. These choices are being taken due to his affair.

If your child maintenance is assessed by the CMS, then travel costs of the NRP incurred for contact visits are deductible from the amount of maintenance payable. The costs are not deducted on an as-incurred basis, but on the CMS's per-mile basis. I know this because my ex-H recently applied to the CMS for such a reduction, on his 30 mile round trip every other week. He earns £150k!

Jules1429 · 19/09/2018 12:23

Changedname3456.
I totally get where you are coming from and do understand. The only reason we are here is because of his job and we have moved around due to this lifestyle. My husband leaves the forces in a few years and has always desired to work abroad doing maritime security hence he will be away a lot. I need to be where my family are as there is nothing stopping him moving abroad or buying a new house with his new woman anywhere in the UK. Should he move away from our current location then the girls and I will be stuck here. He will follow the money.

OP posts:
Crazychick67 · 19/09/2018 21:46

Jules,
You are right...xx

Jules1429 · 25/09/2018 08:05

Well on Sunday I had a wobble. I swallowed my pride and asked my husband if he wanted to try again with a clean slate. He said he would think about it. He called last night and said too much has been said and done and there is no going back. He also stated again him and this other woman have feelings for each other. As I kicked him out, I think his stubbornness and pride have overrode his thoughts. That's just my opinion. He is letting girls and I move 420 miles away and doesn't seem at all bothered. Now starting the ball rilling to move. May be the right decision or may be the wrong decision but I'm pleased I have my girls with me to help me get through this.

OP posts:
Jules1429 · 27/09/2018 17:18

Well went to mediation today to sort out visitation/access. Totally gutted to be giving up my time with the girls for that stupid, selfish twat. He's got everything he's wanted and I'm feeling so low. Still in shock how easily he has given up on his family 😢

OP posts:
Olderbyaminute · 29/09/2018 01:40

I’ve never experienced these situations ladies but I’m sending love and support to you all-I hope all the cheaters in this universe somewhere,somehow get a taste of their own medicine! Or at least a lot of leg cramps!

Crazychick67 · 29/09/2018 06:52

Thanks Olderbyaminute
Tomorrow is "D" day.. Hardly slept a wink last night as do not know what to do.
When I last saw my other half on the 19/09/2018 I stated to him that I would give him till end of this month to sort his head out and have not been in touch with him ever since. My question now is should I wait for him to contact me (which is tomorrow) or should I contact him...he has blocked me on what's up (I had done the same from the 19th). Any advice???

BigChocFrenzy · 29/09/2018 09:10

Sorry you're going through this, crazy Thanks

My advice is to stop chasing after him; stop basically begging him to return
Instead, plan all the things you need to do for life without him - particularly the finance

Have you seen a solicitor ? If not, you definitely need to make an appointment
He's moved on into his new life; you need to do the same

Only contact him about practical things that need to be agreed / signed.
Ideally, let your solicitor handle contact over this

Crazychick67 · 29/09/2018 09:51

When I last saw him, I stated that I was prepared to take the next step (I actually was just wanting to know what he would actually say) and that was the Divorce... He stated he did not want that but asked if I could wait for him...indefinitely! He must have been mad to think I could do that..hence gave him the choice till end of this month.
My daughter's b.friend state that if he really wanted to come back he would have done it by now..which he hasn't. God, this is so hard! I know that even if he comes back it would not be the same..as he has hurt me so badly this time and also the kids feel he has changed ..he is not the dad they knew...I found that so sad...my kids are hurting too emotionally despite them trying to get on with life.
For me it is twice as hard because of the time I have spent with him ..26years is not a joke. I told the kids the relationship in a marriage especially a long term one is different to that of a boyfriend and girlfriend.
To me he was my soulmate and these last 6 weeks have been devastating to say the least...and I know that he would have more to lose than me... For me it would mean me starting again ..i have never been alone and also financially it would be difficult. As far as the kids are concerned ..they do not want to see him next week (he only sees them once a week for about a couple of hours!).
Has this gone too far for it to have a chance of a comeback? I still love him but is that enough now? Can I get past this pain he caused...what a dilemma! I am trying to get on with it but it is a struggle...physically i am okay but mentally my thoughts are will he or won't he come back..... Any advice....PLS.,...

Crazychick67 · 29/09/2018 10:02

Yes, I did go to the solicitors in the beginning and they suggested mediation etc.,...at the moment the seperation is informal...and he is paying the house bills via direct debt...food etc., I pay myself and not from his wages as it used to be and other previously planned projects are to be paid from the joint account..

Jules1429 · 29/09/2018 10:55

Crazychick67
This whole situation has left us both feeling so deflated and physically drained. At least we can both say we fought for our family to stay together. My husband cheated and I feel as though I should never have fought for him but I was thinking of my girls at the end of the day. This awful feeling we hold inside should hopefully diminish with time and we can then re-emerge much stronger for it. Sending you big hugs.

OP posts:
Crazychick67 · 29/09/2018 12:09

Thanks Jules, ...yes am feeling very defalted and overwhelmed ; I am mentally exhausted with the whole situation (as you also must be) and its as if he is a different person in the same body - hope that makes sense.
Yes, I tried my very best 100%+ and those that know me (work, friends and family) also a have seen the effort I made for the last 18months..shame he could not see neither appreciate it. I hope and pray for me now just to get on with it and carry on without him...Ameen!SadSad

BigChocFrenzy · 29/09/2018 13:36

From aquaintances whose marriage to what they though were decent men and loving fathers has ended:

The men have switched totally to their new lives, with no loyalty to the old family.

There seems to be a short window during / after the breakup when they still feel responsibility to support their old family,
so make use of that and get finances etc nailed down, before this vanishes

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