Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband has walked out on marriage

160 replies

Jules1429 · 03/09/2018 09:50

Hi. My husband is Forces and he went away for 5 months. He lived the life of a single man and had all his washing, ironing, cleaning etc done for him. Upon his return I could tell he had something on his mind. He sat me down one night and told me that he loved me but was not in love with me anymore. I asked him if there was someone else. He told me No but a few weeks later I saw a message arrive on his phone and he admitted to a 'fling'. I told him to pack his bags and leave. This was 7 weeks ago. I thought he would come back after a few days and beg my forgiveness. He has not. He has packed his entire contents from the house and moved back onto base in a single room. My two girls and I are beyond devastated. I asked him if he would like the marriage to work to which he replied "it would be like flogging a dead horse". He is still in contact with this woman and wants a relationship with her. Has anyone else had anything similar? I've pointed out to him that his feelings for me have obviously gone onto her and she has given him the attention that he lacked at home. His confidence is through the roof whilst mine is rock bottom. I keep getting panic attacks as the girls and I have to move house, schools, county etc. This was something I thought we would do together. He told me he has not been happy for a while.

OP posts:
Jules1429 · 13/09/2018 13:06

I'm at work today but mind workiing overtime as normal. I just can't believe how this is all turning out. I never thought I would be in this situation. How's your day going? I'm still trying to figure out how to pm you my number xx

OP posts:
Crazychick67 · 13/09/2018 14:11

Same here, mind working overtime..trying to keep busy ...washing and cleaning...then burst out crying...got that emotion out and told myself to carry on...went to do some weeding at the front and came back to do abit at the back...
Taken 2 beta blockers to try and suppress how I feel...talking and talking to myself like a made woman " his lose and you are better than him"...over and over again.... That is what I am tell my brain and heart...

Crazychick67 · 13/09/2018 14:16

Jules, Sent you my no..
Speak to you soon...take care xx

Jules1429 · 13/09/2018 14:39

Crazychick67 how do I retrieve it?

OP posts:
Jules1429 · 13/09/2018 14:42

Crazychick67 I've got it. Will text you my number and call you tonight when kids in bed xx

OP posts:
Haireverywhere · 13/09/2018 15:58

Really pleased you two can offer each other some support!

Crazychick67 · 13/09/2018 19:16

I am so glad I found this site...the advice and support has been a great help. Reading Jules's story is so similar to mine...it is very heart breaking and I feel for her...really do and also for all other supports who have had the same experience (won't swear..even tho would like to!)
Really I just do not understand men! WHY ...WHY...do they do this...!!!

Dowser · 14/09/2018 11:29

As a former relationship counsellor with relate we are trained not to tell you what to do, as that advice is good for ourselves, not for you

Instead it’s all about open questions to get you to think about what you want and reflect back what you want to do, where you want to go from here

Inside we might be screaming leave the bastard but not allowed to say that.

Dowser · 14/09/2018 11:31

Oh and with relationship counselling, unless you both want the marriage to work and are prepared to strive for that...then it may be all about separating.

Crazychick67 · 14/09/2018 13:09

Thanks Dowser for making me understand why they cannot comment or advise..so I get it now.
Today has been okay...feeling calm (obviously cause of the beta blockers.. Took one first thing in the morning and planned the day getting the necessary bits for the builders next week..
Taken a 2nd just now with some lovely Cornish scorned...and cup a tea..
So far have not cried...Yet!
The fact I am feeling very calm does that mean in a way that my brain has started to accept my situation?? tho I am stilling thinking of him...just got an email about something he posted on Facebook..looked at it and then just delete it! How can he come across while I have deactivated my f.book account? Not sure...
Anyways planning tomorrow's events so just want to get on with it...and Sunday's too...( I mean jobs to do)

BackInTheRoom · 14/09/2018 16:34

@Crazychick67

Go google The Grief Curve, it shows the stages of progression. Thanks

Crazychick67 · 14/09/2018 18:36

Well I thought I was doing okay until this Grief Curve chart...then burst out crying...Sad

Jules1429 · 15/09/2018 11:20

Well I've decided that my girls and I are moving back to my home town. Me renting a place for a year was me holding out that my estranged husband will want to come home. He doesn't and I don't need a man who has done this to me. I need family around me as moving county, changing schools for the girls, new home etc is a lot to do all at once. I will achieve it though and girls and I will thrive as I will make sure we do. No man is worth all of this heartache over.

OP posts:
Honeyroar · 15/09/2018 13:03

Good plan Jules. You need to have people around you, support, things to focus on. Once that happens you move forward easier (well it worked for me. I stayed in my ex's hometown for a year, I'm not even sure why, apart from I loved the house, and I don't think it did me any good.

Crazychick67 · 15/09/2018 13:20

Brave move Jules...and I agree it seems to be the right one for you and the girls...I really wish I could do the same. My grown up kids are here and also the job issue.
Today has been really hard, tried to distract myself with thoughts of him and OW...but really not coping. I am really struggling no matter what I do I just cannot shake the thoughts of them being together...him enjoying himself whilst I am crying my eyes out.

Honeyroar · 15/09/2018 15:38

You will get over it Crazychick, it will just take a bit of time. I was the same. My ex cancelled our wedding just after the invites had gone out, moved in with her, went on holiday with her to places I'd taken him where I used to live abroad and were my special places, then married her ten months later in a huge fancy castle. It hurt like hell at the time, but nowadays it means nothing. These men are selfish and cruel. Relationships can go wrong and split, but there are ways to do it with class and morals. Simply jumping on another woman and leaving your family reeling is not one of them. You are worth more, you deserved better. Keep thinking of that when you think you miss him.

Crazychick67 · 15/09/2018 20:01

Thanks Honeyroar
God, these emotions...it will be 4 weeks today since he left..really cried my heart out this afternoon ...so sick of crying! but just cannot stop the emotions as I feel they are still raw..he has hurt me so badly and when he left, he also took a piece of me..my confidence. I have turned to this very sad and unhappy person which the kids do not recognise! Before, I was bubbly and full of beans now they hardly hear my voice! All because of him ...

Dowser · 16/09/2018 07:26

I read it took a month for each year you were together
We were together 30 years so that was about right.
At least the 30th month was nowhere like the first one.
Now, 14 years on I barely think of him at all.
I’ve been with 2nd husband 10 years, married for 3

He patiently let me talk it all out when we met. Now I don’t need too.

The day will come when You will be amazed at how much better you will feel

Yes, I didn’t want to believe it either😂

Crazychick67 · 16/09/2018 09:35

I hope so Dowser...
26months of feeling s*t! God, I have already lose half a stone..and am only 8st 6...I will end up being a skeleton!!!! Or a lollipop!!!!

Jules1429 · 16/09/2018 17:21

My husband asked what my plans are for tomorrow as I had suggested that we need to talk about girls and I moving away, access etc etc. Having thought about it, I think meeting up with be a bad idea so I sent him the following:-

TBH I think me mentioning about discussing plans will be a bad idea. It will probably end up with us arguing and become fraught. I will let you see girls as and when best whilst we are still here and you can then see them every other weekend once we move. This can be drawn up officially before we go. I will commence with divorce once girls and I are settled. Apart from that, theres nothing much left to say.

OP posts:
Crazychick67 · 16/09/2018 17:45

Ah Jules, that must have been hard for you.. Tho I think you are doing the right thing...I have had a very bad weekend...just awful.

RomanyRoots · 16/09/2018 18:06

So sorry you are going through this, all of you who are Thanks
If you have children please tell them the truth and tell your ex's that you have told them they are cheats.

crazychick
Obviously some reason why he can't be with ow atm, is he waiting for her to leave her dh?
Please don't let him use you like this, you are worth more. Make his mind up for him Thanks

mummmy2017 · 16/09/2018 18:28

So sorry, but you will move forward.

Crazychick67 · 16/09/2018 19:13

RomanyRoots
I have asked and asked but he keeps denying that there is OW. "If that is the case, then why are you not available during the weekend?" He doesn't answer but gives excuse that he has been looking for somewhere to rent long term. When I met him the second time, he stated that he was not prepared to paid additional bills if he rents as he already is paying them for the home we live in...but is happy where he is staying at present as all is inclusive for £90/- he just has to find/pay for his own meals...
Then I noticed that he fills the car every weekend! So if he is not journeying out of town then why top up the car frequently? Where before he would only do that twice a month.
The kids also asked...same answer.. No, there is nobody else

My gut feeling, he is buy time ....especially when he stated he was not ready to come back ...so maybe in a few months, he will then state to the kids that he has met somebody. What a coward and spineless b***d! Only as he knows that what he is doing is wrong..and ashamed to admit it
..cannot even come clean!!

Honeyroar · 16/09/2018 19:13

Jules that sounds really wise, You sound very sensible and forward thinking. You will come out the other side of this.

I take it he knows you're moving then. How did that go down?