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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband has walked out on marriage

160 replies

Jules1429 · 03/09/2018 09:50

Hi. My husband is Forces and he went away for 5 months. He lived the life of a single man and had all his washing, ironing, cleaning etc done for him. Upon his return I could tell he had something on his mind. He sat me down one night and told me that he loved me but was not in love with me anymore. I asked him if there was someone else. He told me No but a few weeks later I saw a message arrive on his phone and he admitted to a 'fling'. I told him to pack his bags and leave. This was 7 weeks ago. I thought he would come back after a few days and beg my forgiveness. He has not. He has packed his entire contents from the house and moved back onto base in a single room. My two girls and I are beyond devastated. I asked him if he would like the marriage to work to which he replied "it would be like flogging a dead horse". He is still in contact with this woman and wants a relationship with her. Has anyone else had anything similar? I've pointed out to him that his feelings for me have obviously gone onto her and she has given him the attention that he lacked at home. His confidence is through the roof whilst mine is rock bottom. I keep getting panic attacks as the girls and I have to move house, schools, county etc. This was something I thought we would do together. He told me he has not been happy for a while.

OP posts:
Dery · 02/01/2021 17:43

Great update - thanks for sharing. So uplifting for people who are going through what you went through: confirmation that there’s light at the end of the tunnel.

C0NNIE · 02/01/2021 17:52

How kind of you to update us! So pleased to hear you are doing well. What you did takes a lot of courage.

OhBollocksToIt · 02/01/2021 17:55

Love a positive update! Great to hear you’re doing well OP.

redastherose · 02/01/2021 18:05

Great update @Jules1429 I remember your thread at the time. So glad you and your girls have come out the other side and life is good.

Packitin · 02/01/2021 18:54

Brilliant. You are a legend!

Well done Grin

SlayDuggee · 02/01/2021 21:18

Well done! Thank you for updating

Jules1429 · 02/01/2021 21:48

Hi. Thank you for posting. It's took me a long time but I don't think I've made peace as such. I was in a very dark place for a very long time. Some decisions I made were rash but I did what I thought was right at the time. The distance is an issue for him but that's his problem. I moved home Oct 2018 and they moved in together Jan 2019. Had I of stayed down South and then found out she was moving in with my husband - that would of hurt me more. I'm so much stronger now and happy on my own. I have family around me and my girls. He's got issues with me as a mother and wants me to help out with journeys but I've told him to off. His new family should not impact upon the girls or I. Anyway, we are not yet divorced as he's not wanting me to have a share of his pension. I still have sad says but the good outway them now. I'm glad to hear you are through the worst. I'm here if you ever need to chat or vent off.

OP posts:
Iris3456 · 02/01/2021 22:16

Maybe you don't ever make peace I guess. Just find a way of living with it. It does fade, gets less raw with time. Or maybe you get sick of it consuming so much head space!

I think the distance is a good idea. You did the best for you and your girls for the support you needed and if he doesn't like how inconvenient that is for him, then he needs to take a hard look and accept it was his actions that drove you to make such a decision (I bet he will never see it like that!)

Good luck with the military pension. I didn't get a slice of that, was as if his life depended on it!

So hard but when you look back it's amazing to reflect on the strength you are capable of in the absolute darkest of times when you are forced. My divorce was hideous. Not sure if it's military training but he certainly had a fight mentality and still does, coparenting is less than harmonious😑

You should be very proud of yourself. Sound like a very strong woman x

Cherrysoup · 02/01/2021 23:54

Well done! Definitely push through a divorce, you are entitled to,his pension for your children.

Jules1429 · 05/01/2021 15:51

Right. For those who have not read my post from over 2 years ago here goes......My husband is Forces and whilst away on deployment he had an affair and she got pregnant. He kept the pregnancy a secret for a few months. During this time I found out he had previously cheated on me. As we lived in married quarters, I decided it was best for me to return to my hometown with our two children for family support. He moved in with the other woman and baby. My hometown is 400 miles from him. We went to mediation and he negotiated all access to fit in with his work and annual leave. I allowed this. For the first year, he drove up to see his children every third weekend and paid to stay in a hotel. After a year, he asked if I would start driving half way for when he has them the longer periods. I said No as this would interfere with my shifts at work. I work two jobs. I did advise him that he could reduce my child maintenance to take into account his costings for the 6 journeys. Instead, he contacted CMS and advised them of all hotels stays, driving, toll charges etc for all journeys. They deducted the child maintenance accordingly and I agreed to this. Yesterday, he contacted me advising that he's taking me to court as he wants me to do half of all journeys as I moved the children 400 miles away. I advised that I moved away due to his actions. Has anyone else gone through this and please can you advise if the judge advised that they had to do half of the driving. My husband was expecting me to stay in a location where he and his new woman and child now live. I was only in this location as I was supporting my husband and his career. its funny that my husband has now asked this as I have found out that he is putting his new child into nursery costing £800 per month. Surely his nursery costs should not mean I am out of pocket? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

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