End stage liver failure - NC Mother

[HarshingMyMellow]

I've been NC with my mother for a while now due to her alcoholism, narcissistic personality and just the fact that she's a genuinely vicious person.
She attacked me verbally everyday and physically a few times too.
I was sick of being told that I should just drop dead, that no one cared about me, that I deserved my abusive relationship, that I was a failure.
After years and years of abuse (going back to primary school age) I just couldn't take it anymore.

Today, I received a phone call from a hospital to tell me that she has been on a colossal binge and therefore ended up being admitted.
The consultant explained that she was rushed into resus, presenting with alcohol poisoning and liver failure; on further investigation it has appeared to be end stage liver failure and there's not much more they can do for her.
She asked that they call me and ask for me to take some stuff from her house to the hospital.

I came to the house and I've just broken down.

There is shit all over the bed, carpet and bathroom, blood flecked vomit all around the toilet, the house is in a state I didn't think possible.
I waded through bottles and bottles of alcohol and night nurse (counting 18 bottles of wine and spirits), her couch is in such a state that I can actually see where she's been sitting (urine/alcohol stains.)

I'm just in shock.
I tried to get stuck into the cleaning but I just can't.
My body feels so heavy that I can't get up off the floor that I'm sitting on.
I can even see the medical equipment that has been left behind (stickys and oxygen bits) from where the paramedics attended.

When I last saw her she was in a bad way, but no where near as awful as the state she must be in now.
I don't know how to feel.
At the minute I'm a mixture of upset, guilty and angry. So fucking angry that she's done this to herself, then the guilt hits me and I feel like I shouldn't of left her to it and then I just cannot stop crying.

I don't even know why I'm writing this. I just need to spill it out.
I've tried to gather her belongings but I just can't.
I don't even know if I want to see her.

Oh OP I think in your situation, based on how you’ve said you’re feeling, that if this is the end you should do what you can to be there so that you can say you did everything you could and don’t regret it. You also did everything you could before this. It’s the only time she’s called you since NC I’m guessing? You had to do what was best for you which you did.

It’s a very difficult and sad position you’re in and I hope you keep in touch on here to get the support you need

I feel physically ill.
I'm 27 weeks pregnant and I have a toddler.
ExPartner fucked off and now this.

I keep replaying through my head the last conversation I had with her. I told her that I loved her but that I couldn't let her do this to me anymore. I had to keep my distance.
She told me to 'fuck off then, leave me like everyone else has' and as I was walking away told me 'you'll be the death of me, I hope you're happy'
Have I contributed to her being so ill? Why didn't I help her more (even though I literally couldn't do anything more)

What the fuck am I supposed to do? It's a constant source of guilt to me but I feel beyond floored now.

Of course not, when did her alcoholism start?

It's not your fault OP. Horrible situation... have the Dr's given her a time line? Is she staying near hospital now or going back to her house?
I'm so sorry.

Honestly OP... l think self preservation is priority. You're NC for a reason. Stay NC and let your nasty, vicious mother sort her life out.

I would not be cleaning for her - would she do it for you?

Every time you start to falter and feel guilty, stop and think... would she do this for me. If the answer is yes, then do that task. If the answer is no... then walk away.

Time to be strong for yourself and not let her weedle her way back in your life. Otherwise you'll be sucked back in and soon you'll be caring for her.... will she be nice to you? No. She'll continue being nasty till she takes her last breath.

You deserve better. Stay away from her.

What a horrible situation, I'm so sorry. Please don't feel guilty, your mother put you in an impossible situation and your own health would have suffered massively had you stayed in contact. We owe it to ourselves to protect ourselves from abusive people and you have done nothing wrong. You would be well within your rights to walk away now too but I understand why you might not want to do that.

Is there anyone who can support you through this? It's obviously a really upsetting time and it helps if you have someone to lean on (whether that's a partner, friend or even a counsellor).

Can you find a cleaning company to sort out the house? I don't think it would be good for you to be the one cleaning up that mess.

Go easy on yourself, if you want to see your mother do it when you feel up to it but don't force it, remember you have done nothing wrong.

That sounds very difficult, i have worked with people who are in this condition so know how The house can be, leave it, call a professional cleaning company, it doesn't need doing today. Are you her next of kin, is it her own house that she owns, just leave it secure. Perhaps if you find any valuables like money, cheque books, credit cards you could take them home. The hospital can provide the essentials, she does sound unwell so I think you will need to see her if you can, you don't need to stay long but perhaps you can speak to the doctor or nurse. Is there anyone you can go with or who can support you through this. Don't feel guilty, none of this is your fault.

In no way what.so.ever are you to think that you should feel guilty.

For now just get on with the most basic practicalities, clothes etc , forget the cleaning.

Fwiw my narc sister I was nc with committed suicide, I was racked worth guilt over how I might have "driven" her to it, it took my 14y old did to say "just because b she's dead doesn't mean she wasn't a b*h"

You.are.not. responsible.

End of ,

look after yourself you DC and you baby-to-be

Horrible situation but her alcoholism is not your fault. Is it her house or is she renting? I don't think you should be cleaning up her mess but I guess it depends on whether she has anyone else. I would be inclined to just drop up clothes, toiletries to the hospital and you don't have to see her if you don't feel up to it. Just give it to the nurses on duty.

I have an alcoholic friend who I had to walk away from for very similar reasons, who said exactly the same things. Being an alcoholic does not give you the right to abuse people. Being the child of an alcoholic does not mean you have to martyr yourself and take vitriolic abuse.
It’s so fucking hard.
If you can’t afford a cleaning/ house clearance company, can you contact SS for advice? Often the local council can intervene where vulnerable people have been living in squalor through being unable to cope.
Be kind to yourself xx

Oh OP that sounds like a horrendous thing to have to cope with. If you can, can you try and not emotionally engage with this right now. Gather up the things she wants, take them to the hospital and see her one last time to say goodbye. Then walk away and concentrate on you, your DC and your unborn baby. Do you have family who will support you?

You went NC for a reason.

Stay NC. Let someone else pick up the pieces and sort out the shit. If anyone calls you to sort stuff out tell them no.

Go home. Look after yourself and the baby.

Please, try not to blame yourself. She is an independent person.

You didn't cause it
You can't control it
You can't cure it

The only person who is responsible for alcoholism, is the alcoholic. My father is one, it nearly killed him several years ago, but he still drinks. I don't see him much any more, despite living not far away, I just can't deal with it any more.

If you feel like you can cope with it, take the things round that the hospital have asked for. But, don't do any cleaning, it's not your responsibility. Your mother told you to leave her alone, you're well within your rights to take her at her word and do it.

OP this happened to me with my dad about 14 years ago.
He was taken to hospital, we were low contact due to violence/alcoholism and when I went to his flat I couldn't believe what I saw either. Wading through the alcohol bottles is exactly how I would describe it also.
I was pregnant as well, my dad died 3 days after my ds was born, it was not an easy time as you will know, he wasn't even aware I'd had a baby.
I don't know what to advise, other than do not try and tidy up the flat, if its unlikely she will get home again then inform landlord etc.
If she needs nighties etc, could you buy some cheap new ones and some shampoo/shower gel to take to the hospital.
The only thing I didn't feel was guilt, I think it was because we had had a conversation a few years before and he admitted nobody would have stopped his drinking no matter what we done and all of us tried but we weren't enough. It wasn't our fault.
I did go and visit in the hospital most days, I think I would have regretted if I hadn't done that.

don't think you should be cleaning up her mess but I guess it depends on whether she has anyone else

Don't guilt trip the OP with that.

If she treated other's better then she'd have help.

Do not clean up her mess. You could be exposed to infections that could be deadly for your child.

You went NC because you couldn’t rescue or change her.

That’s not changed, you couldn’t have rescued or changed her and being NC wouldn’t have had a difference in that.

You’re allowed to be deeply distressed and to mourn what might have been despite knowing it would never have been and that you’re not responsible.

Walk away. Let the professionals deal with her. You don't need the physical or mental strain of coping with this. You must not help her. She will throw it all back in your face. NC is NC for a reason. Sending you

Hand hold OP, I have been NC with my mum for many years, I have thought about a situation like this occurring, I have decided that I would remain NC. No one loses contact with a parent without good reason. Keep strong, your mum is not your responsibility. Take care of yourself and your family. They are the priority.

She is responsible for herself; you are not responsible for her.

Leave the house for now. Dependent on her finances the Council should be able to help get it cleaned up.

How are you doing now, OP? You sound lovely. She does not.

NC is NC for a reason, as the others have said. She's not your problem. By all means take her some basic things to hospital if you want - leave them at either main or ward reception and explain firmly that you don't want to see her under any circumstances. Post them, that would be even better. Call SS and tell them about the state of the house, tell them you are pregnant and won't be doing it.

Go home and hug your kid and bump. They are your family and your life, not her.

Oh, and the things you need to hear:

You haven't contributed to her being so ill. She did that all by herself.

You aren't responsible for things getting so bad. She did, all by herself.

You cannot change a narcissist. They cannot change.

You cannot fix an alcoholic. Only they can fix themselves.

You are not responsible for her. You are not responsible for her living conditions, her health, who she has and hasn't alienated or anything else.

The reason you cut her out is not because you are a bad, inadequate or nasty person. The reason you cut her out was HER behaviour, repeatedly, over many many years.

You owe her NOTHING.

Go and see her HarshingMy Mellow

But remember it is on your terms. It's about you now. She is half dead. You have nothing to gain by being angry with her, neither does she gain from your anger too. In these last few moments just thank her for doing the positive things she did for you. However small. Warm food, darned socks or the odd occasion she smiled at you or read you a book. You are here. You won't get these moments back, when they are gone, they're gone. Then you can make peace with what you see and feel today. Trust me it will work for you.

If you are on Facebook, there's a page called Coaisathing (COA = a child of alcoholic), it's run by a guy called Josh Connolly and he can add you to the secret Coaisathing group. There are a lot of us there who are in the same boat as you, or have been there, it's a really supportive place to spill your guts if you need to. You'd be very welcome there.

This is very close to home. I'm going through a similar situation at the moment. Personally, I have decided not to see my dying father. There's lots of pressure to do so, particularly as I'm an only child and he has no one else since his wife left. But I would feel hypocritical and fake. His 'friend' called to tell me his flat's covered in shit and vomit and I'm next of kin. I just said I can't be as I haven't seen him for 8 years.

TBH, OP, you need to decide on a course of action and stick with it. You're pregnant and have a toddler so you can only give so much. You either stick to your guns and do nothing. Or you define how much you're prepared to give and don't give anymore than that. I know only too well that these people and those around them will leech the life out of you if they could. Then remind your self that you didn't cause it, can't control it and can't cure it.

to you OP because it really is shit.