End stage liver failure - NC Mother

[HarshingMyMellow]

I've been NC with my mother for a while now due to her alcoholism, narcissistic personality and just the fact that she's a genuinely vicious person.
She attacked me verbally everyday and physically a few times too.
I was sick of being told that I should just drop dead, that no one cared about me, that I deserved my abusive relationship, that I was a failure.
After years and years of abuse (going back to primary school age) I just couldn't take it anymore.

Today, I received a phone call from a hospital to tell me that she has been on a colossal binge and therefore ended up being admitted.
The consultant explained that she was rushed into resus, presenting with alcohol poisoning and liver failure; on further investigation it has appeared to be end stage liver failure and there's not much more they can do for her.
She asked that they call me and ask for me to take some stuff from her house to the hospital.

I came to the house and I've just broken down.

There is shit all over the bed, carpet and bathroom, blood flecked vomit all around the toilet, the house is in a state I didn't think possible.
I waded through bottles and bottles of alcohol and night nurse (counting 18 bottles of wine and spirits), her couch is in such a state that I can actually see where she's been sitting (urine/alcohol stains.)

I'm just in shock.
I tried to get stuck into the cleaning but I just can't.
My body feels so heavy that I can't get up off the floor that I'm sitting on.
I can even see the medical equipment that has been left behind (stickys and oxygen bits) from where the paramedics attended.

When I last saw her she was in a bad way, but no where near as awful as the state she must be in now.
I don't know how to feel.
At the minute I'm a mixture of upset, guilty and angry. So fucking angry that she's done this to herself, then the guilt hits me and I feel like I shouldn't of left her to it and then I just cannot stop crying.

I don't even know why I'm writing this. I just need to spill it out.
I've tried to gather her belongings but I just can't.
I don't even know if I want to see her.

Don't clean up, she may never go back. If she does social services will put in carer. Only visit if you want to, don't get labelled as her carer. You may still be next of kin and sort things out when she has gone but you need not be too involved now unless you want to.
Not your fault or responsibility, do what you need to get closure, say goodbye if you need to, detach with love. Contact alanon they will help you

To all those that are telling the OP to go in as you seem so certain she will feel better , have any of you actually been in this situation? It's the type of thing I only ever hear from people with half decent parents, certainly not abusive alcoholics and completely ignores the trauma caused by that person and the strength it takes to go NC from a parent like that in the first place.

You don't 'have' to do anything OP. That's no matter what people here may think about them knowing it's better for you, or how you'll regret it. They don't know you. They are just projecting societal expectations about how one should behave when one's parent is about to die. You need to ask yourself what's right for you and your children and what you hope to get from it. I don't think anyone here can give you the answer for that and nobody should be guilt tripping you into complying to expectations.

Please don’t clean the house, it sounds like a biohazard.

I’m NC with my mother for very similar reasons, have been for over a decade.

She was on deaths door a few years ago; I told her flying monkeys to fuck right off and if she did die, I wasn’t interested in that either. (She didn’t.)

You have to safeguard yourself, your toddler and your unborn baby. You do what feels best for YOU.

Don’t clean the flat OP. You’ve got enough going on as a mother and it must be incredibly unhygienic in there anyway, you shouldn’t be doing that.

And you don’t owe her anything. She treated you appallingly. She doesn’t deserve you running around and agonising over her now. She did this to herself. And she’s been awful to you.

Put your needs first. If it’s too much for you to deal with going to see her then don’t.

Sending a massive hug, keep talking to us. X

I'm just amazed you can be trying to guilt tripping someone in this situation in that case.

My husband was in a very similar situation. When you are caught up in the middle of this it is very hard to make good decisions with all the upset and guilt flying around.
You must put yourself first, especially as you are pregnant. Do not even try to clean the house. Walk outside now.
You do not have to make a quick decision. The hospital will provide everything your mother needs. Do you have anyone in RL to support you like a good friend? Talk it over with them.
Go home and try to detach and think clearly.
Look after yourself.
Leave it all to the healthcare professionals. You can say that you are not able to do it. You don't have to give reasons, it is not your responsibility. They will organise for the house to be made habitable, you do not have to clean it.
Give yourself time to decide how to proceed. Get rid of the guilt.
It will help you massively if you have a good friend to talk it over with or continue to post on here for support.
I say all this from our own past experience as it is what we should have done. As they say you learn by your mistakes

Something for you to consider OP, is what happens if this goes on for some time? What if she ends up going home and stays alive for another 6 months. My father has had several of these near death episodes and he's still going. Whatever contact you make now may have a long term impact.

I am so sorry to read this OP.

Abusive parents are hard to bear.

You went NC to preserve yourself, so you have no reason to feel guilt.

Anger at the mess and the state she’s in is understandable.

Do what’s good for you. Cleaning no. If you don’t want to see her, you don’t have to.

In my experience you don’t feel guilt afterwards. Just sad you had to make such a choice because of such appalling treatment.

People who have loving parents won’t understand and think you should be there at all costs.

I totally understand how you feel and damned if you do and damned if you don’t go to help.

So do what’s right for you, right this minute and if that means stepping away and leaving it all to someone else then so be it.

How many people’s parents die suddenly and they’re not there? It’s not obligatory in your circumstances.

I’m wishing you much strength and calm. Whatever decision you make, be brave and be true to yourself and your needs.

Agree completely with SallySeeker, when you've grown up with an abusive or mentally ill parent it's really bloody hard (and sometimes harder as an adult when the reality hits you that it wasn't normal and you were treated horribly). Sometimes we need to set boundaries or go NC in order to preserve our sanity. OP especially has to do this as she has a child and one on the way, not to mention what she's been through with the ex. So while she might feel up to going to see her mother, it's completely understandable if she doesn't.

@HarshingMyMellow So sorry you have to go through this. and to you.

It's so easy for me to say and harder for you to do but please try not to feel any guilt. It is not your responsibility to care for your mother. It never has been. It was her responsibility to care for you and she failed. That's left you very conflicted about her.

If you can face it, visit her. It might help to be able to say goodbye and make your peace to an extent, if that's possible.

Please don't tackle the house. That's not your job or responsibility. There are several biohazard specialist cleaning companies who can sort out her living space. If the job lands on you, just google 'biohazard specialist cleaners uk' and get some quotes from ones in the local area.

SallySeeker you said To all those that are telling the OP to go in as you seem so certain she will feel better, have any of you actually been in this situation? and you posted a

And then you disrespected Originalsaltedpeanuts who had been in that situation by responding I'm just amazed you can be trying to guilt tripping someone in this situation in that case

You have a lot to learn. It's not about what OP has to do for her mother. Its about what OP can do now for herself and her future. We all have the capacity to rise above and seek the moral ground. The view from the top is good.

Hang around shit and you get like shit. One day you may need to break out of that cosy judgmental shell.

Oh and yes I have been there. Many times.

Thank you for your responses, sorry it's taken me so long to get back; I needed to sort myself out.

I don't know if I can face seeing her. This is a woman who ruined every single Christmas and Birthday by being drunk, who ripped up my school achievement certificates in front of my face when I was a child, who made me move from area to area and school to school every 6 months, who left me to walk home alone from school aged 7 during the cold, dark winter nights because she was too pissed to come and pick me up.
I struggle to remember the 'good' times because there weren't any.
I remember a brusque, vicious woman who was violent and aggressive.
The one who took me out door to door to beg for money to buy alcohol when there was no food in the cupboards.

I didn't clean her house. I physically couldn't face doing it. The stuff I witnessed there today has disturbed me, it looked like a drug den, not the home of a mother and a grandmother.

I dropped the stuff she asked for to the hospital and gave it to the ward nurse, she was thankfully asleep at the time so the nurse didn't ask if I wanted to see her.

I know time is running out.
She has abused her body for a long time and there is only so much that it can take but I tried everything within my power to 'fix' her and she laughed at me.
'There's nothing wrong with me' was her favourite line; even when I spent the majority of my savings for her to have a stint in rehab, she walked out.

My body feels so heavy, I'm mentally exhausted and I've just about managed to find the energy to put my DD to bed.
I just don't know what else to do now.
I feel sick. I can't eat, can't drink.

This is just a horrible situation for you. It isn't your mess to clean up, it isn't your responsibility. It is doubtful if she will return home anyway . You have responsibilities to your toddler and your baby and YOURSELF. If I were you, I would decide whether or not to visit her one last time in hospital, but I wouldn't deal with her house. Shut the door on it. If you don't visit her, don't feel guilty. She's ruined her own life and has affected yours badly. Don\t waste any more energy on her is my advice.

Just remember, she drove you away. You didn’t leave her.

All those people who ‘left her’ whereby driven away just as you were.

You have nothing to feel guilty about and are well within your rights to not be around her.

Sending love your way.

So sorry OP

I don’t know how much this will help but I work in nursing. I have seen your ‘story’ a thousand times.

Nobody wants to become an alcoholic. Nobody aspires to be one. It’s a slow process and usually there is a reason behind why someone ends up reliant on alcohol. It’s an illness that I wouldn’t wish on anyone. I have met countless people who have lost touch with children/other relatives through their drinking and it’s a viscious circle because when they realise they’ve lost that member of the family they turn to drink even more.

It’s up to you what you do from here. But don’t feel guilty. What’s happened is NOT your fault in any way. You have not contributed to any of it.

I see patients suffering and of course I feel sorry for them. I don’t see the back story, I don’t witness the helpless woman in the bed abusing her child years ago. I see a scared woman in bed who’s life is coming to an end, a sad lonely lady who did nothing but drink herself silly whilst sitting in her own urine every day - that’s not a choice. That’s an addiction. I am NOT excusing anything your mother did, but I will always advise people to give a final peace offering when someone is near to the end regardless of whether it’s alcohol related or illness related.

Regret is terrible. You are already second guessing your decisions. You’re already wondering whether you could’ve done more (you couldn’t) or whether you should’ve walked away or not. Personally, seeing what I’ve seen and knowing what I know, for my own selfish sake I would help. Because then I know I’d done all I could. I never want to live with regret. Even if she chucks it back in your face, easier to live wishing you hadn’t have helped than living wishing you’d done something.

The choice is yours OP. But regardless, none of this is your fault. You haven’t contributed to any of it. Only she has. Alcohol abuse can rip families apart and can turn people into monsters. You aren’t responsible for that.

Sorry posted too soon.

I don't know where I'm meant to find the energy to do this.
How do I keep myself calm and safe? I lost myself terribly when I was in contact with her.
I fell into a deep hole of depression and it took me years to feel ok again.

I can just feel myself falling again and it's only been a day.
I'm frightened.

So so sorry xx
Not your fault
For the sake of your babies id stay NC xx

You are still that frightened child who needed her mother.
You still have that need to do as your mother wishes, to protect her and save her from herself.
You can't.
So do this -
Look after yourself the way you would look after your daughter.
Food, rest, kindness, love.
Protect yourself, do only what you can cope with, save your strength.
Save yourself.

People who have loving parents won’t understand and think you should be there at all costs.
That's not true. I have loving parents and if they were abusive I would totally cut them out of my life and I'd have changed my number.

I'd be telling the hospital not to call me again, after the way she's treated you OP.

I can’t offer anything better than what has already been posted. But I can offer a very gentle x

You need to look after yourself first and foremost. Nobody’s talking about helping your mother, physically or emotionally, I’m certainly not, it’s about saying goodbye to a part of your life, knowing that you had the strength to get where you are now despite the evil stuff. She was part of your journey and for me it was about saying both “thanks” and “no thanks” to both my father and mother. I don’t mean thanking her directly either. It’s more than that.

If you’re not ready to do that, then don’t go, you don’t need to go. It helped me then and that same strength helps me now in different ways. It’s quite powerful to be different.

OP from your last couple of posts I think it's really important for you that you stay away from your mother now, you're just not able for it mentally and that's ok. Maybe when the shock has subsided you might change your mind, but equally maybe you won't and after the upbringing she gave you it's no wonder you don't want to see her.

Don't guilt yourself or pressure yourself into anything. Your children are your main concern now and you need to mind yourself for their sake as well as your own.

If I was in your shoes I wouldn't see her to be honest, but its obviously a very personal decision.