End stage liver failure - NC Mother

[HarshingMyMellow]

I've been NC with my mother for a while now due to her alcoholism, narcissistic personality and just the fact that she's a genuinely vicious person.
She attacked me verbally everyday and physically a few times too.
I was sick of being told that I should just drop dead, that no one cared about me, that I deserved my abusive relationship, that I was a failure.
After years and years of abuse (going back to primary school age) I just couldn't take it anymore.

Today, I received a phone call from a hospital to tell me that she has been on a colossal binge and therefore ended up being admitted.
The consultant explained that she was rushed into resus, presenting with alcohol poisoning and liver failure; on further investigation it has appeared to be end stage liver failure and there's not much more they can do for her.
She asked that they call me and ask for me to take some stuff from her house to the hospital.

I came to the house and I've just broken down.

There is shit all over the bed, carpet and bathroom, blood flecked vomit all around the toilet, the house is in a state I didn't think possible.
I waded through bottles and bottles of alcohol and night nurse (counting 18 bottles of wine and spirits), her couch is in such a state that I can actually see where she's been sitting (urine/alcohol stains.)

I'm just in shock.
I tried to get stuck into the cleaning but I just can't.
My body feels so heavy that I can't get up off the floor that I'm sitting on.
I can even see the medical equipment that has been left behind (stickys and oxygen bits) from where the paramedics attended.

When I last saw her she was in a bad way, but no where near as awful as the state she must be in now.
I don't know how to feel.
At the minute I'm a mixture of upset, guilty and angry. So fucking angry that she's done this to herself, then the guilt hits me and I feel like I shouldn't of left her to it and then I just cannot stop crying.

I don't even know why I'm writing this. I just need to spill it out.
I've tried to gather her belongings but I just can't.
I don't even know if I want to see her.

You don't have to go anywhere. Entirely your call. Please look after yourself first. Sending love.

OP I was in your shoes exactly.

I had been NC with my mother for over two years when she died. Like yours she'd had a 30 year alcohol problem - I also remember ruined birthdays, feeling scared at Christmas, rowing between my parents over her drink, lack of money, coming home from school with a knot in my stomach as I never knew what mood she'd be in. I was physically and emotionally abused then thrown out at 17. I was expected to forgive and forget all of that though and some how I did - still hating it when she drank but at least I didn't have to live with it.
I married and had two children but whenever I heard that slur in her voice I was a 10 year old kid again. The 5 years before she died she had multiple organ failure and I saved her life by recognising how ill she was whilst my father was minimising how ill she was and faffing about. After that she promised that's was it - she was so grateful to be alive and thankful that's she was stopping. 6 months later she broke my heart all over again by starting drinking. 2 years after that she was back in the hospital, yellow, emaciated and back to the abusive, vicious woman she was. That day I'd made a 2 hour round trip on my daughters birthday to visit - she was foul, I saw a social worker and nurses to enquirer about a rehab place for her and screamed for me to fuck off out of her life and leave her alone. I decided then that I would.

So, 2.5 years later I get a call from my father (who had enabled her all her life) to say that she had sepsis as the ascites in her stomach had ruptured and she was dying. She didn't want to see my whilst she was conscious and that was fine with me. Two days later I was told to go and see her as she was now unconscious and it would be better for me.
I did go and see her. I told her I was there - I refused to say I was sorry for going NC but I'll be honest and going to see her was like closing the chapter. I didn't cry when she died I just felt relief it was all over - for her and for me. For me going to see her heckled close the book.
OP I'm thinking of you - you have a hard time coming up and memories will creep up on you unexpectedly. You will remember good time so be glad for them but remember you went NC for very good reason and that hasn't changed. Take care of yourself and your children x

I didn't make it in time.

She's dead.

Oh lass.

Be kind to yourself.

Sending you strength Harshing

As much as you will feel guilty, try not to be hard on yourself. You didn't cause her to be unwell - she did that to herself. You did the right thing to go NC to protect yourself and your children from this. This book can close now.

Sorry to hear that HarshingMyMellow.

Take care of yourself first.

Don't be guilt tripped into anything you don't want to do.

You are not responsible and you don't have to be 'next of kin'.

I tried my hardest to help her.
I really did.

I couldn't do anymore.

The woman wouldn't listen to me. If she'd have just fucking listened she'd still be here.
Why wouldn't she fucking listen

Because sometimes people just don't listen. They just can't for whatever reason.

gives a big hug ... Please, Please don't take this on yourself. It's life, and death, it happens but it isn't your fault, it really isn't.
As above, be kind to yourself.

Because alcohol was her driver and nothing else mattered.

You did not cause this.

Please don't beat yourself up.

HarshingMyMellow what a truly tragic thread. Your mother was an alcoholic and their is nothing and I mean nothing you could have done about that. Stay strong for your dc and baby that is on its way,

Oh love, my mother wouldn't listen either - the choice was hers! She could have approached plenty of people for help but she didn't want to. My mother used to shout at me to leave her alone! You cannot feel guilty - she did this to herself. Alcoholics are the height of selfish they only care about themselves, no one else.

Sorry for your loss. You did all you could. Now you can cry for what might have been, grieve and in time move on. Be kind to yourself

You did absolutely everything you could, everyone here knows you tried your hardest. I'm sorry for the loss of the possibility of a mother who could be a real mother to you. But that actually happened a long time ago when your mum chose alcohol over you. I hope you have RL people to help you and look after you right now.

She'd stopped listening to anyone before you were born, OP.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Do you have anyone who you can call now? Do you have any other family?

You are pregnant and have a lovely toddler. They are your family - they will have the life you should have had with your mother, and you'll be the mother she should have been.

You sound fantastically caring. Your children are so lucky to have you.

It's not your fault. No one forced her to drink and you could force her to stop.

DO NOT FEEL GUILTY

She robbed you of a childhood. Allow yourself to feel relieved that it is over.

Big hugs op

It's not your fault. It just isn't.

So sorry love

There is NOTHING for you to feel guilty about. Nothing at all. She made it impossible to have a relationship with her. She was guilty of neglect and worse. SHE made all those choices not you. Concentrate on your little one and your pregnancy. You will grieve of course but you can't hold on to any guilt. This was all your mums own doing.

Take care of yourself x

Sorry OP x

You did nothing wrong. I hope you can find peace x

There is nothing you could ever have done. Your mum could only ‘hear’ the alcohol op. You have a child, and another on the way... let you dm rip, you can find your own peace with your children x

Sorry you're going through this tonight, lovely.

I hope that her death brings you release and that you will go forward with your wonderful children and be the kind, loving mother that she should have been.

You could NOT have prevented this. Please, please, please don't entertain that thought any longer. Xxx

I'm in utter shock.

I knew this was coming, I knew for years this was coming.
But after every binge I was told that the next one would be her last.

This one really was her last.
She wouldn't listen.

I don't even know how to feel

You couldn't save your mum. You did all you could. Please try not to been hard on yourself, it sounds like you did all you could. She was an adult with issues for a number of years. I'm sorry for your loss.

Darling Harshing

Have you got anyone with you?