End stage liver failure - NC Mother

[HarshingMyMellow]

I've been NC with my mother for a while now due to her alcoholism, narcissistic personality and just the fact that she's a genuinely vicious person.
She attacked me verbally everyday and physically a few times too.
I was sick of being told that I should just drop dead, that no one cared about me, that I deserved my abusive relationship, that I was a failure.
After years and years of abuse (going back to primary school age) I just couldn't take it anymore.

Today, I received a phone call from a hospital to tell me that she has been on a colossal binge and therefore ended up being admitted.
The consultant explained that she was rushed into resus, presenting with alcohol poisoning and liver failure; on further investigation it has appeared to be end stage liver failure and there's not much more they can do for her.
She asked that they call me and ask for me to take some stuff from her house to the hospital.

I came to the house and I've just broken down.

There is shit all over the bed, carpet and bathroom, blood flecked vomit all around the toilet, the house is in a state I didn't think possible.
I waded through bottles and bottles of alcohol and night nurse (counting 18 bottles of wine and spirits), her couch is in such a state that I can actually see where she's been sitting (urine/alcohol stains.)

I'm just in shock.
I tried to get stuck into the cleaning but I just can't.
My body feels so heavy that I can't get up off the floor that I'm sitting on.
I can even see the medical equipment that has been left behind (stickys and oxygen bits) from where the paramedics attended.

When I last saw her she was in a bad way, but no where near as awful as the state she must be in now.
I don't know how to feel.
At the minute I'm a mixture of upset, guilty and angry. So fucking angry that she's done this to herself, then the guilt hits me and I feel like I shouldn't of left her to it and then I just cannot stop crying.

I don't even know why I'm writing this. I just need to spill it out.
I've tried to gather her belongings but I just can't.
I don't even know if I want to see her.

Oh OP I'm so sorry x

So sorry to hear your news. None of this is your fault. You only ever did what you could in the face of her cruelty. You have a child and another coming that need you. Be kind to yourself.

So sorry you're going through this.

You seem to be carrying this idea that you were somehow responsible for fixing her or getting her to listen. You weren't and you couldn't control any of it, the change had to come from her. She didn't listen because she wasn't rational, alcoholics never are.

This is probably bringing back a lot of bad memories, see if you can go to a counsellor as it's a lot to process on your own.

Dear Harshing, I do understand.

Slightly different story but similar outcome. Please don't worry about how you feel or don't feel at the moment, it's very complex and will take a long time to unravel. Look after yourself and your children for the time being. I have two things that helped me ... the first is the thought that there is only one thing in life that you can control, which is yourself ... and the other is the phrase "it is what it is".

It's okay to be in shock. It's okay to be angry, confused, upset, all of these things and many more. Let them come and go and wash over you. Is there a friend you can call and go stay with tonight? Where's your little one, with you? Xxx

Oh Harshing as a support worker years ago i worked with a lady Anne, her house was literally shit and piss from her fave couch to bedroom.

Her dc had gone nc to protect themselves. I moved 5 years ago and bumped into her dd, who had no regrets. She and we tried everything, her mum wouldnt accept help.

Please dont feel guilty

Hello- i’m just sending love and a prayer for you. My friend died this summer in similar circumstances. The whole thing is the truly absolute pits and my heart goes out to you.

My dad has come to stay with me tonight.

We're both attempting to be strong for each other, neither wants to cry.
My DD is here with me, I've got to be strong for her.
She can't know that anything is wrong.

I just don't know what to do.
I'm wearing so many layers but I'm freezing. I've got a horrible headache. I feel sick.

It's just a horrible feeling. I can't work out myself how I feel.

I can't even afford to bury her.

As an adult child of an alcoholic I absolutely dread everything I have read in your posts.. but of course know it's to come. I'm so sorry, you sound like such a nice and decent person. After the shock I hope you can move on to happier times with your own family. Your mum made her choices and you had no control over the consequences. I dread it myself, my heart goes out to you. Xxx

I can't sleep.

I'm just in shock.

It's not your fault.

Whether you were NC or not this would have been the exact same outcome.

Don't try and sleep. Just lie quietly.

Have no expectations on yourself.

Am so sorry Harshing - for everything that you've lived through, endured and are still having to cope with.

I'll repeat what others have said - it is not your fault, it never was, it never was.

For tonight, it is a cliché but have some sweet tea, or perhaps a bit of soup, just something to get down you.

Don't worry about sleeping now, put the radio on (for background noise or for distraction the US tennis is on - I know that sounds trite but I do mean it as a distraction) and rest as well as you can.

I just can't stop crying.

I shouldn't even be crying, but I am.
The woman had so much to give but booze was far more important.

I thought she'd give up for her grandchild, but she couldn't even do that.

It just hurts.

I am so sorry HarshingMyMellow

You did NOT cause this, you are not responsible. I am so sorry for your bereavement because it is a bereavement.

I'm sorry that you didn't have the opportunity to make whatever form of peace that might have helped you.

It's a raging addiction and she was a victim of that and you were too

Harshing, I'm most concerned about you and your baby.

Please, try to focus on your baby and keeping as calm as possible.

It sounds like you've never been to Al-anon - that is such a shame because there you would have learnt about alcoholism, what it is and isn't.

It is a disease and there is truly NOTHING anyone else can do. It destroys the alcoholic and anyone unfortunate enough to be near. You were very seriously abused by the vile drink (via your mother) throughout your childhood. You are a damaged person, please take care.

Yes it was a horrible end but that is no surprise at all. She's at peace now, it's all over. I wouldn't put it past her that she wanted you to see the mess to guilt trip you - don't let it. Really, it is a complete waste of time.

Your focus now is you and your baby (and your toddler). Please speak to an out of hours GP to get some support tonight/tomorrow. You are pregnant and need as much support as possible.

Take care of yourself

I feel broken.

No sleep at all last night, it's like being in a nightmare.

I cannot get comfortable, I'm freezing cold. As much as the alcohol caused her to be a nasty person, she was still my mother.

I'm grieving for the relationship we never had. Grieving for the times we argued about the fucking alcohol.
Grieving for my daughter.

I was always hoping that one day something would click in her head and she'd realise that she had everything going for her.
But now it's too late.

How do I make this pain stop? Please.

to you. Look after yourself and let your dad look after you too.

Try not to feel guilty, you’ve done nothing wrong. If it was my violent, alcoholic narc mother I wouldn’t have even gone to her place to pick up her things.

Take care and give your little one and the new baby as much love as you can (that’s the only way I can deal with it).

I think... I think you've spent your whole life banging your head against a brick wall, and now the wall has suddenly fallen over. Rationally you'd expect the pain to stop, but it doesn't stop right away. You feel peculiar - lost - different because there's nothing to lean against, an empty space where something (even a bad thing) used to be, and the bruises are still there and will be for a long time. It takes time to learn to stand on your own feet and give up the rhythmic banging - in the real world, the constant need to do something about Mother. Freedom is supposed to be great but it can also leave you lacking structure. What's the way forward when the obstacle has been removed? The landscape is unfamiliar.

I can only say, hug your child close and know that she will have a good childhood and hopefully a serene adulthood because, whatever your mother did wrong in her life, she did do one right thing: give birth to you. That she never appreciated the privilege is the main tragedy.

Oh, and see the GP perhaps? Sleeping aids or anti-depressants may be helpful in the short term. Sadly, talking therapy takes so long to access in most areas that you'll be over the worst of it before you can get to see anyone.

@harshing

You’re in shock, your body is responding to that. Can someone make you hot sweet tea and some toast? Even if you just nibble at it.

It’s okay to grieve the person she should have been, and okay to feel angry at the person that she was.

Some addicts never have the click moment, in fact I’d wager most don’t. So that’s not on you either.

Harshing

I’m in a similar position, have been NC from my abusive mother for years. I got a message from her last March saying she’s dying of cancer. I’m not even sure how true it is. But I decided to remain NC and didn’t respond.

It really shook me up for a few months and even now I’m still a bit down about it thinking I could get a letter or phone call any day saying she’s died and then that really will be that. She also has no other family so is on her own and there’s the guilt of that. But like others have said similarly here, our mothers are responsible for their own actions and have caused their situations themselves. We are not responsible in anyway and we need to do what we can to protect ourselves and more importantly our children. You have a toddler and a baby on the way and being in contact with your DM does not sound healthy for them. I hope you start to feel better soon.

Believe it or not, op, you will feel better in time.

I struggled with my own mother (not as bad as yours but still) and about 10 years ago I commented to my aunt (her sister) that maybe it would be easier when she (DM) died because then I wouldn't have to keep steeling myself up to react to her. DM died 4 years ago and I can honestly say that it's been true. The sadness I felt at her death (and the anger) has been mostly replaced by a silent relief that I never had to deal to with her treating my kids like crap, or with her inevitable sulks and passive aggressiveness, or with her strops over things not being how she wanted. I don't have to deal with her anymore and that is, sadly, a great improvement in my life.

You don't have to worry about what will happen next anymore, because it has happened. The story of you and your DM is done, and you can now take as long as you need to just get your head around it - it's far harder to do so when they are alive because there's always the risk they may come back and force you into the game again. At least now you have time.

Be kind to yourself.

Sending you so much love. Agree with what everyone has said.

She made her choices as an adult and no one could change her mind for her. Not you, your child- no one. Only herself.

Have a good cry. You are grieving so many things.
The mother you should have had
The mother you actually got
Her inability to get well
The fact she put alcohol before anyone, including her health
The way she lived
The last days of her life

So much to grieve. So don’t worry about crying, for feeling lost for feeling hurt. Don’t deny that or you will have an even worse journey a head of you.

It is early days. Forgive yourself- Cry, complain, write her a letter getting it out, get therapy and grieve this.

That will help you move on and be the best person you can be.

You focus on getting through the next ten seconds only. One, small step at a time. One tiny bite of toast at a time.

There are government funded funerals, she can have one of those. They get I think cremated, and somebody says a few words. You don't have to go, it will be entirely your choice.