End stage liver failure - NC Mother

[HarshingMyMellow]

I've been NC with my mother for a while now due to her alcoholism, narcissistic personality and just the fact that she's a genuinely vicious person.
She attacked me verbally everyday and physically a few times too.
I was sick of being told that I should just drop dead, that no one cared about me, that I deserved my abusive relationship, that I was a failure.
After years and years of abuse (going back to primary school age) I just couldn't take it anymore.

Today, I received a phone call from a hospital to tell me that she has been on a colossal binge and therefore ended up being admitted.
The consultant explained that she was rushed into resus, presenting with alcohol poisoning and liver failure; on further investigation it has appeared to be end stage liver failure and there's not much more they can do for her.
She asked that they call me and ask for me to take some stuff from her house to the hospital.

I came to the house and I've just broken down.

There is shit all over the bed, carpet and bathroom, blood flecked vomit all around the toilet, the house is in a state I didn't think possible.
I waded through bottles and bottles of alcohol and night nurse (counting 18 bottles of wine and spirits), her couch is in such a state that I can actually see where she's been sitting (urine/alcohol stains.)

I'm just in shock.
I tried to get stuck into the cleaning but I just can't.
My body feels so heavy that I can't get up off the floor that I'm sitting on.
I can even see the medical equipment that has been left behind (stickys and oxygen bits) from where the paramedics attended.

When I last saw her she was in a bad way, but no where near as awful as the state she must be in now.
I don't know how to feel.
At the minute I'm a mixture of upset, guilty and angry. So fucking angry that she's done this to herself, then the guilt hits me and I feel like I shouldn't of left her to it and then I just cannot stop crying.

I don't even know why I'm writing this. I just need to spill it out.
I've tried to gather her belongings but I just can't.
I don't even know if I want to see her.

Oh, love

I spent about 2 years in total in therapy after my mother died, and a lot of the anger has settled into a sort of resigned sadness. She made her choices, and they led her to a sad end. Not your fault, and nothing you could do about it. It takes time to feel that though.

If the GP offers you antidepressants (I think some types are ok in pregnancy) then grab them with both hands. They do help

You're grieving for the woman that your mum should have been..... not the person she was. And that's perfectly normal.

Perhaps take from this that you won't ever put your DC through what you've gone through, and are a better parent for it. I've had issues with both of my parents over the years, and that's how I've dealt with my anger towards them both at times. Look after yourself .

I crumbled.

There was a bottle of vodka in my cupboard and I drank some.

Fucking idiot I am.

God I'm so angry at myself.

I can't turn into her.

You won’t. Make a hot chocolate or tea and toast for yourself then go to bed.

Please, please don’t beat yourself up.

You won’t turn into her.

You drank some just because it was there and then stopped.

This isn't just you girl. You've a baby to protect.

You seem to be lost in grief. You need to get medical help asap to protect your unborn child.

Please, protect your baby. You don't have the choice to get swallowed up in grief.

My late partner was an alcoholic, when I met him he liked a drink but didn't drink during the day & only drank every 2-3 days. He was the sweetest, most loving & caring man when I first met him & he continued to be when he was sober.

Within a year of meeting him he became dependent on alcohol, we had split up for a couple of months & he had met a woman who was an alcoholic, the first thing she did every morning was have a drink, he started doing this & by the time we got back together he had changed.

Over the next three years his drinking got worse, he was drinking 15 pints of strong cider & half a litre bottle of vodka a day, he got violent, ended up being arrested several times for drink related offences. He started to become ill through the drink, I persuaded him to go for alcohol counselling but he would go a few times & then stop going, over the space of a week he swelled up with Ascites, I took him to the doctors & he was referred to a liver consultant who diagnosed him with End stage liver disease, he refused to be admitted for detox to save his life, I sat on a day ward & watched them drain seven litres of fluid from his stomach, he tried to cut down his drinking but couldn't cope without the drink to prop him up, he turned yellow, became more violent, was vomiting blood, having horrific nosebleeds as his blood wouldn't clot, I had to send him back to his own flat as I had a child & didn't want him to see what was happening to the man who had been part of both of our lives for nearly five years, a month later he was admitted to hospital, his liver & kidneys had totally failed, within a week he was dead at the age of 34. It broke my heart, I missed the man who I had met & fallen in love with, the kind gentle sober man he used to be. I'm still heartbroken now nearly four years later, but I can now see that I couldn't have done any more to help him, the only person who could have helped him was himself & he didn't want to do that. I don't miss the violent, evil person he became, who would do anything to get a drink, who threatened me & my son so many times, he left 3 children, 2 of his own who were under 5 when he died & my son who in the beginning looked up to him & accepted him being part of our home & our lives.

I've learned since that unless they want to accept help, there's nothing anyone can do to stop them. Alcoholics become bitter & hate anyone who doesn't see the world like they do, they blame anyone but themselves.

Hope the appointment today goes smoothly harshing

I can relate to having the vodka, I can remember vividly thinking that if I drink anymore I dont think I'll stop. There are lots of conflicting emotions and its tough.

Nothing is inevitable, you are not your mother, just do what she couldnt and grab help with two hands when it comes.

for you. Hope you’re holding up ok today.

This is so raw for you, every emotion possible will come to the surface. I am glad you are going to your GP, and you should, in a bit of time try and get some counselling to help you work through all of this.

It sounds like you have a lot on your plate at the moment with your ex leaving, a pregnancy and a small child. Be kind to yourself a much as possible. You are enough. You are worth it, and so are your children.

Addiction is terrible, and something that people use to cover up their own mental torment, you were not the cause of your mothers. I am so sorry for the losses you have suffered.

I managed to get seen by the GP.

I broke down. Completely.
She's prescribed me some diazepam to get through the worst of it and to hopefully help me get some sleep.

I poured the rest of the vodka away. I didn't even want it, it was just there and I felt like drinking it would make me feel better.

I'm just running on empty. Absolutely floored.

I'm so sorry Harshing
Your post had me in tears.
What an awful awful thing to happen.
I'm glad the GP has given you something to take.
Grief is horrendous.
My little sis died 5 months ago and I'm still in denial stage.
You seem to be going through the stages over and over and that must be so so hard.
Sugary tea.
See if you can get some ice-lollies. High calorie, sugary ones.
And some smooth soup. Tomato or something like that.
Solids are not easy to get down to keep it liquid for now.

As others have said, please contact Al-Anon.
They can help you get through this awful time.

I really don't know what to say so big (((((HUGS))))) to you.
Please look after yourself and don't worry about a bit of vodka.
That's over.

You’re stronger than you think. You did really well to get to the GP today.

You're quite unlikely to turn into her - if anything you're more likely to go the other way, be quite wary of drinking to excess. I have. I've only been properly drunk 3 times in my life, I'm in my late 30s. So I'm a total lightweight as I rarely drink alcohol at all.

You are doing really well so far. Especially given that you've got all the pregnancy hormones to cope with as well. Just concentrate on one day at a time, think about looking after yourself & your child, & bollocks to what the rest of the world thinks. They aren't living your life.

There are so many unresolved issues OP and issues that cannot now be resolved.

You won't turn into your mother. I know this from your posts.

Sending you strength for this awful time