End stage liver failure - NC Mother

[HarshingMyMellow]

I've been NC with my mother for a while now due to her alcoholism, narcissistic personality and just the fact that she's a genuinely vicious person.
She attacked me verbally everyday and physically a few times too.
I was sick of being told that I should just drop dead, that no one cared about me, that I deserved my abusive relationship, that I was a failure.
After years and years of abuse (going back to primary school age) I just couldn't take it anymore.

Today, I received a phone call from a hospital to tell me that she has been on a colossal binge and therefore ended up being admitted.
The consultant explained that she was rushed into resus, presenting with alcohol poisoning and liver failure; on further investigation it has appeared to be end stage liver failure and there's not much more they can do for her.
She asked that they call me and ask for me to take some stuff from her house to the hospital.

I came to the house and I've just broken down.

There is shit all over the bed, carpet and bathroom, blood flecked vomit all around the toilet, the house is in a state I didn't think possible.
I waded through bottles and bottles of alcohol and night nurse (counting 18 bottles of wine and spirits), her couch is in such a state that I can actually see where she's been sitting (urine/alcohol stains.)

I'm just in shock.
I tried to get stuck into the cleaning but I just can't.
My body feels so heavy that I can't get up off the floor that I'm sitting on.
I can even see the medical equipment that has been left behind (stickys and oxygen bits) from where the paramedics attended.

When I last saw her she was in a bad way, but no where near as awful as the state she must be in now.
I don't know how to feel.
At the minute I'm a mixture of upset, guilty and angry. So fucking angry that she's done this to herself, then the guilt hits me and I feel like I shouldn't of left her to it and then I just cannot stop crying.

I don't even know why I'm writing this. I just need to spill it out.
I've tried to gather her belongings but I just can't.
I don't even know if I want to see her.

Nadia please rtft before posting.

Sorry to hear your update.

It is a cliché however time is the greatest healer.

This wasn't your fault. You didn't put the bottle in her hand and force her to drink.

Take it easy and just do what you can to look after yourself and your family right now.

For now, just let the grief and the shock work its way through.

Its tough with kids around, but doable - you have been a survivour for many years, you will survive this too.

Be gentle with yourself, your emotions and ability to make decisions or simply think wont be working - and that's completly normal too.

So sorry OP sounds very difficult as PP have said speak to your gp your going through a lot.

I grew up not really seeing my father but then started to build a relationship as I got older but it was by no means close.
He passed away when I was 19 and I felt very confused with lots of what ifs and guilt, anger , sadness. In the end I came the conclusion that I had nothing to be guilty of and he was my parent therefore he should have tried harder to build that relationship. I spent a long time trying to build something but never really got through. But at the end of the day it's absolutely natural to grieve the loss of a parent

You're all so lovely. Your messages have me in tears too.

I'm so confused. I just don't know what I'm supposed to do at the moment.
It just doesn't feel real. It feels like she's still here.
Then all of a sudden it hits me that she isn't and the tears start again (sobbing on the shoulder of the pharmacist in the middle of Tesco today.)

Bastard alcohol.

Sorry for your loss.

There is no standard way to be at a time like this. I expect you're in shock, and a loss where addiction has played a role throws up all sorts of mixed emotions - sadness, regret, anger, etc. That's normal.
None of this was your fault and you couldn't have stopped it. Please be kind to yourself.

I'm grieving for the relationship we never had

Believe me I can try to understand - with my late father it was abuse rather than alcohol, but the agony of "how should I be feeling" when he went is so familiar

But just like weeping with the pharmacist, it doesn't matter. If we can say "everyone deals with it differently" to those bereaved in normal circumstances - and we do - it surely applies 1000 fold in yours. Knowing that nothing could have changed what your mother was you don't have to justify yourself to anyone, but you can (and IME should) lean on those around until you feel ready to start moving forward from this horror

Try not to worry about "supposed to". You feel the way you feel, it's completely ok to feel sad, or angry, or numb, or relieved, or anything else. No-one else can tell you that you are right or wrong to feel those things, because no-one else has experienced your life.

Don't feel shame on top of everything else, you have enough to deal with right now. Anyone who has truly been in in a similar situation to you, will not judge. And anyone who has not, has no right to.

Your words are all so comforting, thank you.
It means so much to me.

I've made it through day 1 pretty much, I'm scared of the night more than anything - when there's no distractions.
I'm so tired, I just cannot sleep.
My head is still pounding.

I haven't even brushed my teeth or hair today. It has floored me.

I knew what was coming, but I didn't know how it would feel and now every emotion is coming to the surface.

Hi OP, I'm so sorry for everything you've been through just wanted to post to keep the support for you on this thread going.

I have a couple of family members who were alcoholics. My uncle died in a police cell when his oesophagus haemorrhaged due to alcohol abuse. My mum had to tell my very poorly nan that he'd died, it was horrific. Alcoholics can only think of themselves, if they were to put anyone else first, they wouldn't be alcoholics.

I know that things will slowly become less painful for you, sending you lots of in the meantime. Look after yourself.

I'm so sorry OP xx Reading your thread, I could hear the sadness and pain in your words. I hope you can find peace. I know it's difficult, but please try to lean on any family and friends at this time and try to eat and drink even little amounts, take vitamins xx

Every emotion is allowed. Go to bed at bed time and lie in the dark and cry your heart out, lie staring at the ceiling, do whatever comes. It's all allowed.

If you would like a gentle way to try to get to sleep, I recommend the buddhidy app, they have a section of meditations about can't get to sleep, and one on difficult emotions.

Hugs. You made it through day 1. You're a legend. Minute by minute, second by second, you will get through the night too. Xxx

Firstly I'm so sorry, no one should have to go through this. Secondly you say you can't afford the funeral, on a practical front, the cost of the funeral comes from her estate, contact your council who will arrange a funeral and seek the money from her estate if you have no way of accessing the money/ she has none there's also means tested grants, they are really helpful I have found (through work/not personal life in my case). Thirdly get support from others in similar situations, my friend went through similar and it was others who had been through it that helped the most.
Take care of yourself.

I feel for you - my Dm died 4 years ago - burst oesophageal varices but death cert said decompensated liver disease - she drank herself to death. Nothing could stop her

I don't know how councils do funerals, but my mum and my nan were both embalmed and I had to go visit them (family reasons both times). I hated it, both times, so I suggest that if the council does any such thing that you don't go to see her laid out.

In fact you don't have to attend the funeral at all, if you don't want to. There may be well-meaning people who offer to look after your DD to make this possible (my aunt's husband's DD looked after mine) but you are completely allowed to just not go.

You might find the AQA with a funeral director on mumsnet classics helpful. X

OP, I have not read the whole thread but I want to tell you that you do not have to get involved.

You owe her nothing

She did this to herself.

You are pregnant and you don't have to risk your physical or emotional health cleaning up her mess.

You need to concentrate on you and your baby - don't give your energy to her she does not deserve it.

You and your child deserve your FULL attention. Concentrate on the both of you.

Do not feel guilty. Walk away.

Good luck xxxxx

ASimpleLampoon Really you should have read the thread as then you would be aware that OP's mother has died.

@ASimpleLampoon probably best you do read the thread. OP's DM sadly died, and the OP is feeling all kinds of conflicting emotions.

OP - sending love and strength - as previous posters said, she made these choices. You are not to blame. My partners DM passed away in very similar circumstances. In the end she just would not stop drinking. We showed her pictures of grandchildren etc - pleased with her - but the addiction was too great

Cliche I know - but time does help. It doesn't take away the pain, I know, but lean on people who are there. X

OP I hope you got some sleep last night.

A small point on practicalities ... if you feel (understandably) unable to clean the mess in the house, there are companies who specialise in this kind of thing; it's easily google-able, or if you prefer a recommendation I'm sure a funeral director or even a quick call to the Coroner's office would point you in the right direction

You've not said if she owned her house, but as with a funeral the costs could be deducted from any estate

Hi harshing - just checking in on how your doing, if you still dont have much appetite i found warm broth type soup easiest to stomach and took multi vitamins alongside.

Thank you all for checking in. It really does mean so much, this thread has been a source of comfort to me.

I had about an hours sleep last night, I had a dream about my mother and it was sort of based around the circumstances I last saw her. I woke up in floods of tears and I just couldn't get back to sleep.
I can't face her house at the moment.

Still no food but plenty of orange juice so I'm getting vitamins that way, but I'm feeling very weak and sick.
Everything hurts. I can't believe the gravity of this situation.

I miss her, as crazy as that is. Or the her that she was when she was sober.
I just don't know what to do.
I don't know whether to see her body, I can't even imagine going to her funeral right now.

I go from being in a daze to being floored, crying my eyes out, screaming in anger. I just cannot work myself out. It's so frightening.

Have you spoken to a gp at all harshing? I only say as you need your sleep and its sounding brutal for you right now.

It takes a while to go through all the formalities, you can ask the funeral directors whether her body is fit for viewing and take their advice on that - these are not problems you need to worry about right now, small steps.

I'm going to try and get a GP appointment tomorrow.
I'm scared of myself at the minute, I feel like that frightened little girl all over again.

Thankfully, DD hasn't got a clue because I walk away if my emotions are becoming too much but once she's in bed I just break down.
I've just sat and cried. Talking to my mother. Trying to explain that this wasn't fucking needed. This didn't have to happen.

Obviously I'm going to get no answer.
And that crushes me more.