End stage liver failure - NC Mother

[HarshingMyMellow]

I've been NC with my mother for a while now due to her alcoholism, narcissistic personality and just the fact that she's a genuinely vicious person.
She attacked me verbally everyday and physically a few times too.
I was sick of being told that I should just drop dead, that no one cared about me, that I deserved my abusive relationship, that I was a failure.
After years and years of abuse (going back to primary school age) I just couldn't take it anymore.

Today, I received a phone call from a hospital to tell me that she has been on a colossal binge and therefore ended up being admitted.
The consultant explained that she was rushed into resus, presenting with alcohol poisoning and liver failure; on further investigation it has appeared to be end stage liver failure and there's not much more they can do for her.
She asked that they call me and ask for me to take some stuff from her house to the hospital.

I came to the house and I've just broken down.

There is shit all over the bed, carpet and bathroom, blood flecked vomit all around the toilet, the house is in a state I didn't think possible.
I waded through bottles and bottles of alcohol and night nurse (counting 18 bottles of wine and spirits), her couch is in such a state that I can actually see where she's been sitting (urine/alcohol stains.)

I'm just in shock.
I tried to get stuck into the cleaning but I just can't.
My body feels so heavy that I can't get up off the floor that I'm sitting on.
I can even see the medical equipment that has been left behind (stickys and oxygen bits) from where the paramedics attended.

When I last saw her she was in a bad way, but no where near as awful as the state she must be in now.
I don't know how to feel.
At the minute I'm a mixture of upset, guilty and angry. So fucking angry that she's done this to herself, then the guilt hits me and I feel like I shouldn't of left her to it and then I just cannot stop crying.

I don't even know why I'm writing this. I just need to spill it out.
I've tried to gather her belongings but I just can't.
I don't even know if I want to see her.

It's sounds like you have done more than you needed to. Now and in the past.

This is the culmination of her years of drinking and selfishness. Don't clean the house. Don't go back to the house. You need to put yourself first.

Your reasons to be NC haven't changed. She hasn't changed. Go home and cuddle your baby. Focus on being a great mum yourself and walk away from the past.

I think you should stay away OP. Put yourself and your family first. For tonight, just get to your bed and rest xx

Salted peanuts, let op decide, don't keep projecting.
Please call alanon if you have no support in reality, or even if you do.
They will understand

I also think you should stay away.

You don’t need to say goodbye to a mother because she was not that person to you.

Don’t lose yourself again. Focus on your babies x

None of this is your fault. She has done this to herself.

She is still the vicious woman she always was. I would guess that if you went to see her, she would either be full of self pity, or more likely, would try and blame you.

Both my parents were alcoholics. I learned the hard way that you cannot get through to these people. They either choose to help themselves, or they don't. Mine didn't. But everything was ALWAYS someone else's fault.

Please don't beat yourself up, OP. You cannot change her and you cannot help her.

@Kenny, what a caring, careful post.
Thank you.
Hope it helps a little OP, maybe not now though.

OP, you mentioned you’re scared.

From your posts it sounds like you absolutely did the right thing by yourself and you may be shocked and I too would be horrified by a day like today - who wouldn’t? Just from the words here - I don’t think you need to be scared because you got yourself out, delivered the stuff AND got DD to bed.

That’s bloody brilliant and surely a result of your previous self-preservation?

Strength. You had strength to go NC. You didn’t clean or crumble today. You posted here, and did your thing and did what you had to do.

Keep posting when it feels too much, keep talking to those who’ll listen and just keep going.

Wishing you much more of where that strength and good grace comes from. You sound very practical.

Best wishes

Sagittal you told the OP to go and see her abusive mother and see the positive things she's done. I think your the one who's got alot to learn.

OriginalSaltedPeanuts yes you are guilt tripping and projecting. You didn't present it as something that 'could' be good for the OP. You used words such as she could be kicking herself, it will be good for you and go and see her one more time. Imp, it's all very emotive language.

These things aren't straightforward. It might well be right for OP to follow that path. On the other hand it might not. And yes I will DARE to disagree with you because that's what a forum is for. Tough luck if you don't like it.

@SallySeeker YY to everything you’ve said.

Hi op I also had an alcoholic mother and went no contact when I was early teens. I got a similar call when I was late teens. I did go see her and I was glad I did but there was no speeches no forgiveness. No meanness either just complete and utter denial- she claimed the doctors didn't know what was wrong with her! I've spent my adulthood thinking of the questions I wished I'd asked her. So even if you see her it doesn't mean you get to talk it out and fix things. And to be blunt she will look awful. Like maybe she looked rough before with bad skin and puffy face but now how she looks will upset you a lot more. Consider if you can cope with that.

She might also not die. Mine took 2 years after being told she had days or weeks. It was an ugly journey and I would consider if you do go and she does get out of hospital what would you do next?

You need to not put pressure on yourself and just take each day as it comes. If a child version of you asked if her mum drinking was your fault what you say? Wouldn't you agree it couldn't be the child's fault?

“The view from the top is good”

Sorry but what the actual fuck?! How are you morally superior to those of us who choose not to go and see our abusers just because they’re dying?

Forgiving someone who won’t even admit what she’s done let alone apologise for it is the hardest thing I’ve ever done.

But forgiving her was for MY benefit, not hers, and it does not mean I have to go and see the cunt when she finally dies. I hope she suffers till her last breath for what she did to me; and the knock on effect it’s had on every aspect of my life.

Just received another phone call from the hospital.

She's had a heart attack. They need me to get there now.
I feel ill.

Only go if you want to lass.

They need you to get there... why? They are the nurses.

Please is someone about to talk me down till I get there. I'm on the verge of throwing up.

I think this is it.

You don’t have to go OP x

What Mrs M said. You don't have to go. [Flowers]

Don't feel obligated. You are pregnant and your priority is yourself and your baby.

They don't need you to get there. There is nothing you can actually do if you go there.

If you can't face it say no and don't go. You have your DC to care for.

Have you any family op to hold your hand. Only go if you want to, what are they calling you for? So hard, sounds like it may soon be over

Your priority is you, your child and your unborn baby. Only you can decide if you want to go but nobody should make you feel guilty if you choose not to. You sound like you have been there time and time again so perhaps it's time for some self preservation. Take care of yourself.

Whatever you choose to do will be the right decision for you, sadly you are in for a rough time whatever you decide but know there are people thinking of you.

You don't have to go op . There's nothing to regret here.

Another voice saying you don't have to go.
Thinking of you