Dating Thread 139: clowns swiping left to me, jokers to the right...

[Pringlecat]

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

lol eesha, dating does feel like a full time job sometimes!

@eesha and @daffo, dating is totally a full time job!
I'm not having much success. Explained to MrFunny that this isn't going anywhere (3 weeks chat). He responded that he had hoped to see me last night and that would we end up in bed?! Really?
Not the smoothest of moves, apparently it was a joke!

Another chap sent me a crappy message saying ' good luck, hope you find someone that you actually bother to talk to'. This is after a week of matching his own lame communication style and long delays between messages!

And now FWB is being a big drama llama about this evening and can I call him blah blah. Just a simple answer about whether you are coming over would suffice!

Thanks everyone for your support. As much as I would like a night of hot passion with a younger man, I know that's not really what I want.

Nothing bad happened last time, just a series of minor catastrophes that snowballed, leaving me feeling embarrassed and he didn't really help the situation. Had we known each other better then we could've just laughed it off.

And it's down to the support of the lovely people on this thread over the last year or so, that I know this isn't right for me. And I can say that to him. A year ago I would've agreed to meet him again because I have a child free weekend coming up and no one to share it with. Instead I'm just going to enjoy my own company with maybe a little swiping on Tinder

Communication seems to be a constant bugbear with OLD! Either it's too much or not enough.
In general I find that men don't have as much day to day responsibility as women, in particular were children are concerned. Therefore they don't understand why we can't just drop everything and meet them for a drink with 5 minutes notice. They don't understand that we're helping the kids with homework or putting them to bed etc, so we can't reply to their messages immediately.

I work very variable hours including weekends so I might send someone a message first thing in the morning or later in the day. Doesn't mean I expect an immediate reply.

yes I think that's very true runs

yet I can tell you the men I have known, when they have their kids every other weekend, become totally non communicado - yet can't understand why we are doing a smaller version of that on a day to day basis

And finally - I've received a message on POF from someone very attractive but nowhere near me. His profile says "there is something so sexy when you see a mature female who looks after their body. Not an athlete, just looking after yourself".
Shame he lives so far away.

Cake, I read that as a bit weird... the wording "mature female" sounds off, and "not athletic but" sounds almost like a subtle neg?

I might just be too cynical though!

Mr Scientist got back to me when I thought he'd stopped. V short message more or less repeating what he'd said a couple days ago. Think we're both losing interest.

Meh. Maybe I need a break from it.

metro.co.uk/2018/09/19/when-did-it-become-acceptable-to-not-text-after-a-date-7793383/

this is quite a good article

date tonight with Mr Match. Nothing else set up, no other irons (other than seeing MrM on Friday to end it and MrLBG (fwb) on Sunday as friends)

subspace it is a bit weird but at least he's honest about what he's looking for. His message is clear that he wants some fun with an older woman.

As a sporty, older woman I'm fed up of seeing men my age who haven't looked after themselves - bad teeth, beer guts etc. Yet they won't consider a woman with a 5 at the beginning of her age because they want a younger woman. And worse when they make comments about me "doing all that at your age".

Good article Daffo

I agree with the comments above about men not looking after themselves and yet not even considering women anywhere close to their age or looking like you've stepped off a cat walk.

I had a date earlier this week. Photo looked fine, a few dodgy messages that were red flags to me, but I decided to give the benefit of the doubt and go on a date. The comments were mainly about how he liked a "polished" women on his arm, someone who took care of themselves, wore nice clothes, make up etc. I actually said to him that I didn't think I'd be his type. I look ok am slim but wear very little make up, never had false nails and have no idea what or why people have their eyebrows messed with. Anyway, he said he liked natural looking women too so I met him. As I said his photos were good, nice looking man etc.

He turned up in a very flash sports car and got out. Oh my. He was enormous. Huge. I can't imagine how he got into the car in the first place. This is all absolutely fine if he had been honest about his appearance. His photos must have been 5/10 years old. They barely even resembled him. For someone who made a huge thing about a woman taking care of herself I can't understand why the same doesn't apply to him. Unless he thinks the sports car negates that need. Who knows.

Despite mot being honest on his profile I continued with the date. He was a misogynistic arse. When I was explaining why my marriage failed, very briefly, his response was "What did you do to push him to doing that" (secret gambling).

Needless to say, no second date!!

@changeoflife That actually sounds like my worst nightmare! I totally feel for you! I was upset when one date said I looked bigger in real life than my pics but then he was some superfit trainer and I don't think meaning to be rude, just annoyingly blunt! However I then asked some friends and they said I looked the same, I'd be mortified if I looked as different as your bloke did!

I suddenly seem to have a few more irons in the fire and now a date tomorrow with MrBicycle who I matched with last night. We had a 2hr phone chat within 10min of matching and he seems very nice, witty, complimentary etc. None of the usual red flags yet as he is actually on good terms with his ex, gets on with his family and seems to be a regular attentive dad, all of which is something I like to see but don't really see much of. I think my tiny concern as always is will there be physical attraction but he has offered to take me out tomorrow which is rather charming and sweet. He sounded slightly nervous as well, not overly suggestive like I usually seem to meet, will be nice to go on a date with someone seemingly normal.....

changeoflife what a horrible date. But it's sadly not uncommon with older men. I've met so many who looked 5 years or more older than their photos.

Eesha good luck with your date tomorrow. Sounds good so far.

I got a match on Tinder yesterday! Yeah, second one in a week. He seemed nice and intelligent. We exchanged quite a few messages about random stuff. We exchanged phone numbers. And he sent me a dick pic. . My first one!
He's blocked. Back to no matches

Can I ask if any of you have dtd on your first meeting with someone? I live overseas and am back in the UK every 4 to 6 weeks. I have been chatting to this guy for the past month, daily calls, messages, pics etc. He is seriously hot and great sense of humour and so far chemistry seems like it will be amazing in real life. Neither of us is looking for a serious relationship probably more of a FWB type arrangement. I will be home visiting my family for a week and have some time to meet him as most of the family commitments are during the day. I am torn whether to try and be "respectable" and just meet for a quick drink and leave on first meeting or whether to just think "sod it" and sleep with him the first time as may only get to see him a couple of times on this trip. Btw I don't think I would be devastated or anything if we slept together and nothing came of it. He is just so hot that I feel it needs to be done 😂. But i feel I am judging myself too much and thinking I should behave even though I don't want to!!!

@kitty yep i have...a few times haha (out of a LTR I wasn't looking for more). There's absolutely nothing wrong with it and since there's a time limit on when or for how long you can see him ... perfect. I met a French man over here for a short period we dtd till he left. It was actually perfect for both. He recently divorced and also not looking for serious.

Yep I did feel cheated on the date. It's horses for courses.... some people might find him attractive but I felt he had deliberately portrayed himself as something he most definitely was not. If I had seen a recent photo of him then I would not have agreed to the date in the first place. He text me afterwards and just said "round 2?". I politely declined. I wanted to say more but it would have fallen on deaf ears as he was clearly very entitled. Taking to him it's actually scary to think how much he blamed on women. Obviously no introspection at all!!

MrMatch was a non starter. Some type of therapist who kept freaking me out with his therapy talk . Need to spend weekend finding some new irons as have nothing on the go now. Have a feeling MrMusic will cry off later but have back up plans to go out with friends if he does and it saves the awkward conversation we need to have anyway!

Kitty I have several times, one I ended up being in a relationship with for a year, others have been more FWB. Now I try and hold out until date 3 but I have a feeling I might end up DTD with Mr Kayak next week as we won’t be seeing each other again for a while and I don’t really see him as serious relationship material even though there’s lots of chemistry.

I’m finding it hard talking to Mr VW, we don’t seem to have much in common, he tells me what he’s been doing in his spare time and it makes me yawn. I think I need to spend a few day trawling through POF for new irons.

Thanks for the feedback ladies. I know in my head it feels like the right thing to do as time is limited and we are both about to blow a gasket 😂🤣 As I've only been out dating the last 6 months since my divorce (we split 2 years ago) sometimes I doubt myself. But you know what? Life is too short....I just want to be happy. Not looking for Mr Right. A nice Mr Right Now will do fine. Will keep you posted 😉

@Lovemusic33 Mr VW sounds like hard work 😴. Keep options open 😊

@Lovemusic33 agree, Mr VW sounds like a bit of hard work, I feel a lot cheerier with more irons rather than hoping for the best with one

@Runsforcake - sorry to hear about that :( nasty.

@Kitty2019 - yes I have and it was brilliant on a couple of occasions, less great on the more recent. I think you need to allow yourself some time on the actual date to make your mind up - it's fine to decide it's not for you in the moment. Or that it definitely is! :) that was my mistake on the not-great occasion: knowing I didn't feel good about it but sort of ploughing on anyway.

@changeoflife - your guy sounds terrible. I am astonished (in all contexts, not just dating) by the incredible and unfounded self confidence and entitlement of some men. I guess that's what happens when society repeatedly sends you messages that you deserve the best without having to earn it. I talk a lot to my women friends and I think we've all spent most of our lives working really hard in various arenas and STILL not getting what we wanted because life is capricious and can be cruel: no matter how hard you work on your toddler's perfect day + bedtime you may still not get a decent night's sleep; no matter how hard you work at work, if they want to give the promotion to a man they will; no matter how hard you work at dating, the pool of men that life throws at you can still be utterly shit

God, imagine the male equivalent of us turning up on a first date. You'd blow your mind with joy. Funny, clever, kind, sensitive, considerate, honest, warm, good looking and well presented. Fuck. You'd burst into tears of joy and relief.

and yet the universe just ISSUES people like us to specimens like them!

Actually - I have just remembered the first time I met Lovely Friend I totally freaked him out by almost bursting into tears of joy and relief. We'd agreed it wasn't a date and I was still cool with that but I just suddenly realised 2 drinks in that he was so nice and cool and kind and honest and funny that I just stared at him like "Wow!" and he got all uncomfortable and said "What?" We'd been texting for ages and I just couldn't believe he was as nice in real life. I think I really gauchely told the truth and said "I'm just thinking how nice you are" or something pathetic like that

yes I agree, it's a shock to meet nice, normal people

kitty I dtd twice on a first date and not regretted it but it's not my default position. Sometimes it does happen though. I wish it happened more tbh!

I saw something on Instagram recently. Think it might've been Bye Felipe, which is funny & shocking. Full of good responses to entitled men.

It said " Men, you're not sending us your best people".

I am getting very bored of it all now :(. This is the longest I have ever done OLD and not met anyone vaguely suitable!

MrMusic has still not even bothered to confirm what time tonight we are meeting and where - he does this every time we meet. He sent one message this morning asking how i was. I replied with a few and the last one was something vaguely flirty about what he was wearing (as every time I've seen him, he's worn a v similar thing) and I've heard nothing back. As much as I am not a constant messager, this not knowing what the plan is drives me positively insane! I am actually half hoping I don't hear from him so I don't have to have the awkward conversation about ending it later (which I do want to do face to face).

Trawled through Match and Bumble last night and haven't found anyone I like that's liked me back yet (and the ones that like me are pretty dire and no it's not me being that fussy!).

Going to see MrNorth1 tomorrow for a coffee - I can't quite decide how I feel about him but I think it's a non starter. I do enjoy spending time with him though.

@DaffoDeffo keep positive, these things are cyclical. I had no irons last week but now about 5 lined up. I think you'll find the same!

Do people chat on the phone beforehand, I like to but wondering whether it's weird....