Do we find out if my fiancé is the father of the baby?

[Shellshocked28]

I have NC for this because it is outing, but I have been on MN for years (to be safe: FUCK THE DAILY MAIL!). We are entirely shell-shocked right now and need advice on how we should proceed.

Background information: My Dfiancé and I dated for a number of years before temporarily breaking up for a few months. During that time we both dated other people before getting back together. During our breakup, DF dated Lucy (not her real name), Lucy told my DF that she was going through a divorce and they proceeded to date for a few months before their relationship ended.

It has now been over a year since DF, and I got back together, we are very happy and are looking forward to our future together. However, this past weekend while out to lunch with a friend, who also happens to know Lucy, we were informed that Lucy has a baby with her husband. As we pulled the information from our friend we learned that Lucy was never divorcing her husband and had been cheating on her husband with DF (her husband worked abroad so pretending to be in the middle of a divorce wasn't difficult) Most importantly, Lucy's baby is well over a year old and Lucy was clearly at least two if not three months pregnant with the baby when her relationship with DF ended. Our friend is adamant that she spoke with Lucy when the baby was born and Lucy told our friend that the baby was 100%, not DF's.

However, DF and I both feel that we cannot trust the word of our friend since she waited over a year to tell us about the baby (and Lucy's marriage). So, we are left wondering if the baby is DF biological child and we are questioning what we should do next.

Over the past few days, DF has wavered back and forth about what to do. The only thing we are confident of is that if DF turns out to be the father, we will support the baby financially and play an appropriate role in her life.

We feel there are two options here:

1. We say nothing to Lucy because even if she says DF isn't the biological father, that isn't information we can trust without a DNA test and demanding a DNA test will cause a lot of upset and drama in her marriage.

2. We contact Lucy and ask about paternity. This has seemed like the most rational action, but again, we are nervous about hurting her husband and causing unnecessary drama and, we aren't sure if we can trust what Lucy says.

We want to do what is best for the baby but aren't sure what "the best" is. We first thought that the clear answer was contacting Lucy and determining paternity, but if the baby isn't DF's, then we run the risk of causing turmoil in her marriage and thus upsetting the life of the baby. We are also worried that if we don't find out this will be hanging over our heads forever. I am worried that years from now we could be contacted by the baby and she will be upset that we had a hunch that DF was her biological father but that we didn't take action to find out and form a relationship with her. Every scenario is worrying us right now.

Please help us figure out what the right course of action is.

What sort of contraception was your DF using with Lucy? Could it be that she was actively TTC with her DH, but using condoms with your DF?

I personally wouldn’t do anything. If the baby has 2 loving parents and a stable home then it doesn’t sound like they need you upsetting the applecart.

I would try to find out. Mabye once you speak to her she could tell you when she conceived ect...does the baby look like DF? Lucy kinda made her bed when she was cheating on her OH.... It's such a shame poor wee one in the middle. Will the baby be much worse off if the parents split? It's a hard one

I think it is highly likely that Lucy was TTC with her husband based on information from our friend. Lucy told DF that she was on the pill and DF said they used condoms 'most of the time' (this lack of using a condom EVERY time makes me angry because they both had a role to play to prevent pregnancy and DF should have been safe everytime).

I did ask our friend about Lucy's husband and was told that he is a nice man, has a successful career and had been hoping to have a child with Lucy for a few years.

If you talk to Lucy privately then yous could mabye do an DNA and sort it all out before deciding what to do. Even if your DF is the dad Lucy may not want her baby to know or her husband

Your DF can ask Lucy if they can do a DNA test on baby without her husband knowing. If it comes back that DF is not the father, Lucy and her husband can continue with their shaky marriage in happy ignorance.

Notsothin, friend says the baby doesn't look like DF, but we are waiting for her to send us a photo.

I feel like this whole situation has so many consequences, there are the obvious ones and then the feelings of betrayal we have towards our friend who has known about this situation for well over a year. I don't feel we can continue a friendship with her now. I can't imagine knowing something like this and keeping it from friends for so long and then just casually mentioning it over lunch.

Talking to Lucy in private is how we would go about it to keep her husband from being hurt unnecessarily. If Lucy refuses a DNA test what do we do then? And how exactly should we word it to Lucy?

Notsothin, friend says the baby doesn't look like DF, but we are waiting for her to send us a photo.

Now your df knows (not you or we), if he wants to proceed he should deal directly with Lucy and take the "friend" or of the loop. If it was dh I know he would ask for a discrete DNA test.

Broken, friend isn't in the loop anymore and we haven't talked to her since the lunch. At the lunch, we asked what the baby looks like and friend said she would send a photo to us. As I said, our friend isn't someone we trust anymore and we certainly don't want her knowing about what action we are taking before DF speaks to Lucy.

I'm really torn as to what's best to do to be honest. Whatever you do though, don't rush. There are potentially bad repercussions in every direction really and it needs to be thought out so carefully. At least doing nothing (while you decide) doesn't prevent you from continuing to do nothing if you decide that's the best call.

Also, not being accusatory towards Lucy (if you decide to speak with her) is massively important because a) this is her family and precious baby, and b) if the baby is your df's, then there's potentially a lifetime of parenting together so best not started on a sour note.

I would also think your DF needs to approach her, not 'we'.

I just lost a very long thread that I was posting. It just said exactly that ^

Your husband may have been used as a sperm donor if they have wanted a child and not been successful.
Anyway I would do nothing which might harm the parents relationship as the baby has two presumably loving parents. Exactly what do you and your fiancé hope to gain by trying to find out?

I wouldn't leap to judging Lucy too quickly. Your friend cannot possibly know all the intimate details of her marriage and what the situation was when she and your fiancée were dating.

I agree with asking Lucy privately. If she says no there is nothing you can do (except wait till the child is older and see what he/she looks like!). It is entirely plausible that Lucy was pregnant by her husband before dating your DF.

Sleepwarrior: It is a tough situation, and it feels as if every action is loaded with consequences.

Sorry, I wasn't clear, about the use of "we" because of course, it would be DF making the call to Lucy, not the both of us. I keep saying "we" because we have been talking about it and we are about to be married, so everything that transpires here impacts us as a couple.

I can't imagine DF being accusatory towards Lucy because that isn't the type of person he is but perhaps to be safe in getting the tone correctly he should send an email? Or is a phone call a better form of communication (not sure she would answer a call from him though at this point)?

Also, your friend sounds like a shit stirrer and I wouldn't necessarily trust anything she says..

It’s the motivation of the helpfully informant friend I’m wondering about. She knows your fiancé was sleeping with Lucy around the time the baby was conceived AND knew then that Lucy was lying to him about being in the middle of divorcing her husband, AND is close enough to Lucy to ask whether the baby was her husband’s or your fiancé's after it was born, AND is sceptical enough about this reply to consider who the baby looks like — BUT waits until a year after you get get back together, goes out for lunch with you both and spills the beans to you both together...?

Am I the only one who thinks it sounds like Lucy and husband were trying to convince and hadn't so Lucy decided to have an affair in the hope of getting pregnant by someone else and then ending it and everyone just assuming it is the husband's??
I couldn't not find out personally- I'd need to know.

Tall, as far as I am concerned our friend is no longer my friend because she is a shit stirrer. I still can't go over the careless way she dropped it into the conversation. I am cautious about what our friend has to say about Lucy's marriage because I agree that no one can understand a marriage except the two people in it.

I think in order to be discrete and ensure there is no evidence of a conversation, it should be a phone call.
A text or email could be seen by her husband.

I am confused.

She pretended to be getting divorced and her dh was out of the country a lot, so it was easy to lie. But the dh must have been in the country around the time the baby was conceived. Because if he wasn't, he would know it wasn't his.

And the lie would have been harder to carry on with her husband in the country, according to you and the friend.

So either the baby is her husband's and she didn't sleep with your df around conception. Or her and her husband knows it isn't his but have decided to carry on anyway.

Let's say IF the baby is your dfs, what will he do about it? Will he want contact?

Blessed, I have been wrestling with this too. The scared side of me wonders if there is a motive here that we are not realising.

Vanessa, I have wondered that too, and DF voiced that same thought tonight. I am struggling because I don't want to paint Lucy in an unfair light when I don't know anything about her situation. That being said, when DF and got back together we had a talk about the people we had dated while we were broken up and I remember DF saying that he and Lucy didn't have the same morals and values and he had times felt used by her regarding money, etc.

To be honest, and I haven't voiced this to DF because I don't want to influence what he ultimately decides to do, but I am scared about allowing Lucy into our lives. If the baby is DF then I will, of course, welcome the baby into my heart and our home, but I am scared of all the drama that might come with this. I feel terrible thinking this because I don't even know Lucy and I want to give her the benefit of the doubt.

I understand why your fiance wants to.know, but if Lucy agree to a DNA test and your fiance turns out to be the father, what then?

At the moment the bany has two parents and a secure home. If Lucy's husband learns he is not the father, what then? It's information that would likely mean the end of the marriage. And would your fiance then be seeking contact, ie visits from the baby etc.

I would think through the potential consequences very carefully before doing anything if I were your fiance.

friend says the baby doesn't look like DF, but we are waiting for her to send us a photo

That's really off

thatfuckingshit: I can't explain properly without being too outing, but around the time of conception we know that Lucy and DF slept together and we also know that right after DF slept together Lucy left to go 'on holiday' and I can only assume this holiday was to visit her husband. This is where our concern comes from because by the time Lucy reemerged from holiday she would have been pregnant.

Jeremy Kyle show does DNA tests, you would all fit in quite well there.