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Original poster

Do we find out if my fiancé is the father of the baby?

332 replies

Shellshocked28 · 30/08/2018 05:22

I have NC for this because it is outing, but I have been on MN for years (to be safe: FUCK THE DAILY MAIL!). We are entirely shell-shocked right now and need advice on how we should proceed.

Background information: My Dfiancé and I dated for a number of years before temporarily breaking up for a few months. During that time we both dated other people before getting back together. During our breakup, DF dated Lucy (not her real name), Lucy told my DF that she was going through a divorce and they proceeded to date for a few months before their relationship ended.

It has now been over a year since DF, and I got back together, we are very happy and are looking forward to our future together. However, this past weekend while out to lunch with a friend, who also happens to know Lucy, we were informed that Lucy has a baby with her husband. As we pulled the information from our friend we learned that Lucy was never divorcing her husband and had been cheating on her husband with DF (her husband worked abroad so pretending to be in the middle of a divorce wasn't difficult) Most importantly, Lucy's baby is well over a year old and Lucy was clearly at least two if not three months pregnant with the baby when her relationship with DF ended. Our friend is adamant that she spoke with Lucy when the baby was born and Lucy told our friend that the baby was 100%, not DF's.

However, DF and I both feel that we cannot trust the word of our friend since she waited over a year to tell us about the baby (and Lucy's marriage). So, we are left wondering if the baby is DF biological child and we are questioning what we should do next.

Over the past few days, DF has wavered back and forth about what to do. The only thing we are confident of is that if DF turns out to be the father, we will support the baby financially and play an appropriate role in her life.

We feel there are two options here:

  1. We say nothing to Lucy because even if she says DF isn't the biological father, that isn't information we can trust without a DNA test and demanding a DNA test will cause a lot of upset and drama in her marriage.

  2. We contact Lucy and ask about paternity. This has seemed like the most rational action, but again, we are nervous about hurting her husband and causing unnecessary drama and, we aren't sure if we can trust what Lucy says.

We want to do what is best for the baby but aren't sure what "the best" is. We first thought that the clear answer was contacting Lucy and determining paternity, but if the baby isn't DF's, then we run the risk of causing turmoil in her marriage and thus upsetting the life of the baby. We are also worried that if we don't find out this will be hanging over our heads forever. I am worried that years from now we could be contacted by the baby and she will be upset that we had a hunch that DF was her biological father but that we didn't take action to find out and form a relationship with her. Every scenario is worrying us right now.

Please help us figure out what the right course of action is.

OP posts:
Original poster
Shellshocked28 · 30/08/2018 08:07

Notapizza: No, he would not walk away, I am certain about that.

OP posts:
ChiaraRimini · 30/08/2018 08:09

If Lucy wanted to get a DNA test etc do you not think she'd have been in touch??
She clearly doesn't want to go into this whether or not there is a chance your DF is the father. You only have a third party's word on the age of the child. Forget about it and move on.

RainySeptember · 30/08/2018 08:10

"He calls Lucy, Lucy laughs and says no way I am doing a DNA test, there's no chance it's yours."

Of course she can refuse a dna test, but any hope at discretion will end there for her as OP's dp will have no choice but to involve her dh, since refusal implies doubt.

BTW I would not judge the friend too harshly. She couldn't win really could she. She's a shit stirrer for telling you. She's not trustworthy for keeping it from you. And whatever she did, she was betraying you or Lucy. It can't have been an easy decision.

Thatsfuckingshit · 30/08/2018 08:12

No, he would not walk away, I am certain about that.

But you aren't. Because he isn't. So you can't be certain.

serbska · 30/08/2018 08:14

Do nothing.Forget your friend ever said anything.

RainySeptember · 30/08/2018 08:14

The only way I'd forgo a dna test would be if Lucy can offer something conclusive that satisfies you that dp isn't the father : the baby looks exactly like her dad, or is a month or two younger than friend thought, or Lucy is adamant she was ttc with her dh and definitely used condoms with your dp during ovulation to avoid exactly this scenario.

Loopytiles · 30/08/2018 08:16

Even if he is a shit father, DC is better off knowing her paternity.

Original poster
Shellshocked28 · 30/08/2018 08:19

I am certain that he wouldn't walk away, what I am not sure about at this point is if he is fully understanding what the true reality of being a father is and how that would need to become his full focus. We are a few years off having children, and right now our lives are about career progression, spending extra money on travel and all of that would change and other than knowing that in a few years we want to have children, we haven't really given thought yet to the impact they will have on our life as a whole.

We had started talking about what our lives would like with contact, etc. but that all seemed so premature at this point but what I am realising is that before he calls Lucy, we should come to grips with what this would like for all of our lives as much as possible.

What I hadn't thought about was court battles about money (because obviously we would pay what was needed and wouldn't have an issue doing so), and how much our lives would change. It is all just settling in.

OP posts:
Thatsfuckingshit · 30/08/2018 08:21

Of course she can refuse a dna test, but any hope at discretion will end there for her as OP's dp will have no choice but to involve her dh, since refusal implies doubt.

It doesn't imply doubt. I left my exh last year. I had a casual relationship after. If I had got pregnant and exh demanded a DNA test because someone told him it could be his I would have told him to fuck off and no way was I doing a DNA to prove something to him.

And what if this friend is shit stirring.or has the facts wrong? You are suggesting they take Lucy to court for DNA when this could all be bollocks?

abbaroony · 30/08/2018 08:21

Bear in mind that Lucy might have already done a dna test which determined that her dp was the father, so had no reason to involve op’s df any further (and would also be able to give a quick, evidence based answer if questioned on the baby’s paternity)

NotZenEnough · 30/08/2018 08:22

What is best for the baby is that they are raised in a stable happy home. Imo establishing the truth of the babies paternity does not benefit the baby at this stage in it's life.

Let them get on with it.
You are where you are, and you just need to work on trying to ignore the possibility that your DH may be the father of this baby. If in time due to changes in Lucy's circumstances that he is the father, you can deal with it then.
What's best for this baby is respecting it's mother's right to make these decisions. It all sounds very messy and the best thing all round is for you to allow the mother to try to forge some stability and for you concentrate on your own life.

Snoopychildminder · 30/08/2018 08:22

Oh Op what a lot for you both to deal with. My first big what if- what if your df finds out that the baby is his and then actually wants a real part in baby’s life. Once he hears the words yes you are the father, he may suddenly want more- are you prepared for that?
Secondly- what if you try and try to get through to Lucy but she blocks all attempts at contact. What then?
What if the husband knows and your DF was used purely for sperm?

The what ifs are endless. This has now got permanent long term ramifications on you all. (Even if Lucy says no the child isn’t yours, will you believe her without a DNA?)

I would write to Lucy (either email or hand written) but I would also call her. I suggest do both because I suspect you are going to want to have proof later on that Df did try to make contact. I would keep trying until you have an answer. And I would insist on DNA test, although of course if she says no then you will have to try get round this.

Original poster
Shellshocked28 · 30/08/2018 08:23

Rainy: I was just about to ask about this, what would be conclusive evidence without a DNA test? How would he trust what she says? I assume she wouldn't just admit to it when first asked so how does DF get the true response. He doesn't want to come out at first all guns blazing and wants to tread carefully to prevent her from getting scared and shutting down (and to be respectful).

OP posts:
LadyFlumpalot · 30/08/2018 08:23

Sorry if this is a daft question.

Are you certain there is actually a baby? It's a fucking weird thing to lie about by your mutual friend, but it's even weirder for her to just chuck this hand grenade at you over dinner with no warning. Any chance of a quick social media stalk to see if the mutual friends story adds up?

Thatsfuckingshit · 30/08/2018 08:23

what I am not sure about at this point is if he is fully understanding what the true reality of being a father is and how that would need to become his full focus.

And when he does, he could walk away. Check relationship boards. How many men seem to be good fathers and men for years then walk away to the shock if everyone.

You can't be certain he won't walk away at all.

Thatsfuckingshit · 30/08/2018 08:25

what would be conclusive evidence without a DNA test?

Apart from the child being older or younger, there isn't.

So again you need to decide if she says there isn't a chance it's dps, do you believe her or take her to court.

And then what happens if the baby isn't your Dfs and you have put this woman through all this.

These are the decisions you have to make begore you do anything.

Chugalug · 30/08/2018 08:27

That baby has bonded with a mum and a dad ,it's in a loving home..why would you want to disrupt all that? For personal gain? Because you fancy playing part time mummy? Have your own baby if you are so desperate to parent..if lucy wanted your involvement she would of contacted your dp.she hasn't .dont rock the boat ,its selfish .leave well alone.

Loopytiles · 30/08/2018 08:30

“establishing the truth of the baby’s paternity does not benefit the baby at this stage in it's life.”

Yes, it does, because (if OP’s DP is the father) it’s the truth, and means DC won’t be lied to and will be told the truth from a very young age, which is far better for DC’s mental health and wellbeing than finding out later or not at all.

Loopytiles · 30/08/2018 08:32

Bollocks chugalug.

The (material) personal gain for OP’s DP here would be NOT to seek paternity test and walk away. But he would lose out on being a parent, compromise his integrity, and collude in his DC being psychologically harmed

Snoopychildminder · 30/08/2018 08:34

What decent person could walk away, Knowing there was a possibility you were a father?

Original poster
Shellshocked28 · 30/08/2018 08:35

Thatsfuckingshit, you are right, that could happen. I think I know him better than anyone, but I can't be 100% certain of anything. What I do know is that I wouldn't stay with a man who did that.

LadyFlumpalot, the only 'proof' we have is what our friend has said. I have done my best on social media, and everything of hers is private. DF was never connected with her on social media (probably a red flag now that I think of it) so he can't look from his end. I suspect friend could have made it up, but friends husband was also at lunch and didn't seem surprised by the news but he also didn't add anything to the conversation either and just sat there eating his lunch.

OP posts:
Thatsfuckingshit · 30/08/2018 08:36

And there could be damage for the dc if the OP and her df Harrell in without a plan and/or actually trying to find more out first.

Chugalug · 30/08/2018 08:36

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PeridotCricket · 30/08/2018 08:38

What does it matter if the child never finds out? If the child is your fiancés are yo7 really going to play part time mummy. If Lucy wanted that she’d have been in touch...are you going to take her to court to force contact, insist she takes money? Having a mother unwillingly forced into contact and her husband having to accept that.

I’m struggling t9 see what you think you are going to get out of this? You as a couple...

Thatsfuckingshit · 30/08/2018 08:38

The friend could be

Lying
Added details such as child's age for dramatic effect
Have her words crossed
Only have half a story

There loads of possibilities. This is why you can just go in demanding DNA and considering court right now. You need to find more out.