Do we find out if my fiancé is the father of the baby?

[Shellshocked28]

I have NC for this because it is outing, but I have been on MN for years (to be safe: FUCK THE DAILY MAIL!). We are entirely shell-shocked right now and need advice on how we should proceed.

Background information: My Dfiancé and I dated for a number of years before temporarily breaking up for a few months. During that time we both dated other people before getting back together. During our breakup, DF dated Lucy (not her real name), Lucy told my DF that she was going through a divorce and they proceeded to date for a few months before their relationship ended.

It has now been over a year since DF, and I got back together, we are very happy and are looking forward to our future together. However, this past weekend while out to lunch with a friend, who also happens to know Lucy, we were informed that Lucy has a baby with her husband. As we pulled the information from our friend we learned that Lucy was never divorcing her husband and had been cheating on her husband with DF (her husband worked abroad so pretending to be in the middle of a divorce wasn't difficult) Most importantly, Lucy's baby is well over a year old and Lucy was clearly at least two if not three months pregnant with the baby when her relationship with DF ended. Our friend is adamant that she spoke with Lucy when the baby was born and Lucy told our friend that the baby was 100%, not DF's.

However, DF and I both feel that we cannot trust the word of our friend since she waited over a year to tell us about the baby (and Lucy's marriage). So, we are left wondering if the baby is DF biological child and we are questioning what we should do next.

Over the past few days, DF has wavered back and forth about what to do. The only thing we are confident of is that if DF turns out to be the father, we will support the baby financially and play an appropriate role in her life.

We feel there are two options here:

1. We say nothing to Lucy because even if she says DF isn't the biological father, that isn't information we can trust without a DNA test and demanding a DNA test will cause a lot of upset and drama in her marriage.

2. We contact Lucy and ask about paternity. This has seemed like the most rational action, but again, we are nervous about hurting her husband and causing unnecessary drama and, we aren't sure if we can trust what Lucy says.

We want to do what is best for the baby but aren't sure what "the best" is. We first thought that the clear answer was contacting Lucy and determining paternity, but if the baby isn't DF's, then we run the risk of causing turmoil in her marriage and thus upsetting the life of the baby. We are also worried that if we don't find out this will be hanging over our heads forever. I am worried that years from now we could be contacted by the baby and she will be upset that we had a hunch that DF was her biological father but that we didn't take action to find out and form a relationship with her. Every scenario is worrying us right now.

Please help us figure out what the right course of action is.

I'd leave well alone. The friend could have made it all up just to cause problems, she doesn't sound overly reliable and you are opening a huge can of worms with potentially life changing repercussions. If friend hadn't said anything you wouldn't know. She's waited a year to tell you. I think she's just trying to cause unnecessary trouble.

If men want as much peace as possible, they should ensure that they take good protection with them when shagging married women.

Sheesh.

Leave Lucy alone. Leave the kid alone.

And it doesn't matter if her husband sticks around or not.

He can't walk away if the husband decides to stay. Or already knows, so stays.

Imagine how the baby will feel when older 'well you bio dad turned up, demanded a DNA test and then fucked off because my husband stuck around. He paid money but we didn't see him again'

That will make the kids feel really good

Thatsfuckingshit: You are right, that is wrong. It is becoming clear that our first gut reaction to quickly find out if the baby is his is so that we can hopefully find out it's not and return to our lives. But actually, the more it is sinking in, and with the help of everyone messages, I have realised that we need to have a better plan for each scenario and perhaps it only makes sense to make contact if DF is ready to be 100% in.

I keep thinking about Lucy's husband and how much pain this would cause him. I can't imagine having the joy of a new baby being taken away in such a heartbreaking and devastating way, and I don't want to do that to settle our curiosity.

If Lucy and her husband were trying to conceive for a while, it’s lukely she would know when she was ovulating etc. Unless your fiancé was an unwitting sperm donor, she probably is well aware who the father is and in all likelihood it is her husband. Maybe your fiancé could just ask her, but first come to terms with whatever answer she gives is the one he has to accept and not to pursue the matter any further. As far as it becoming an issue in the future, surely you already being aware of the situation will help mitigate what any future revelations could do to your relationship. I really feel for you, this is a difficult situation, but I do wonder what your ‘friend’s’ motivation for telling you about this was - is she trying to break up your relationship or Lucy’s?

Disagree strongly with posters suggesting letting it lie.

It is not in the DC’s best interests to be lied to about her paternity. It is also very unfair on your DP and Lucy’s H.

DP should take legal advice and seek a paternity test, and (if he is the father of DC) provide financial support and have access.

Negative consequences for Lucy and her DH are due to Lucy’s infidelity.

IMO Lucy’s H would be better off knowing about the infidelity so he can make informed decisions about his life.

“Leaving it alone” would only benefit one person here - Lucy. Who cheated on her H and lied to her H and DP.

IncrediblySturdyPyjamas, yes, the only thing that is 100% certain here is that he should have been more consistent with his use of protection and I am furious about his shocking lack of responsibility there.

He did not know she was married though and he has told me that he is wrestling with the idea that he was involved with a married woman and feels unsettled by that.

Why dont you just slow down a bit, find out when the child was actually born, dont guess, dont take you well meaning friends word for it, find out.

Then work from there.

Personally, I think you need to find out. It’s too big a thing to let lie, the possibility your DF is a Dad. It’s not something easily ignored, nor should it be. That baby is entitled to know who the real father is and to have a relationship relationship with him.

I think he needs to call Lucy and tell her he wants a DNA test done. If she tries to say she knows it’s not his, he needs to tell her that’s fine, but he needs to know too and the only way to be certain is to get a DNA test. IF she says ‘No’ then he needs say if she won’t do it willingly, he will get it done through a solicitor. Her choice.

Make sure, when it’s done, it’s done at a clinic with samples taken in front of him, there’s no point in doing a postal one because she might not put the baby’s DNA in the sample.

He needs to know. You need to know. The baby has the right to know. Her desire to keep this from him doesn’t override everyone else.

Until paternity is determined, she can prevent her DH from finding out about the testing if she co-operates. Her choice.

Your dh needs to contact Lucy and ask to meet her, and then request a DNA test in private and without her dh knowing. She may or may not agree. You have a last resort option of telling her husband why you would like a DNA test, so I am assuming if she wishes to keep her marriage together (assuming they are not in this together) she will agree.

Only then will you know the answer. I doubt you will have any peace of mind until you can be sure one way or another.

Your dh had unprotected sex with her, it is possible it is his child, as it is equally possible it is her husband's baby.

You need to know. I suggest he calls her today.

The ramifications may be serious, but there was always the risk the affair would be exposed and Lucy was aware of that when she got involved with another man.

Give Lucy the chance to do the right thing, and approach the conversation gently and carefully.

The child deserves to know who it’s real father is.

And Lucys husband deserves to know if the child he is going to love and raise is his own blood.

I can’t believe some women on here advocating to leave it be. It’s dreadful, fo women still hoodwink men in to believing children are theirs these days

The can be resolved sensitivity and with out much disturbance at this point.

I’d actually contact a solicitor first and ask about forcing a DNA test so that when you have a calm and sensitive chat with Lucy you are already armed with the next step if she declines. I’m sure Lucy will not find this experience pleasant.

DNA test is just a mouth swab which her GP can do so that the swab isn’t corrupted and they send it off.

The test does need to go ahead.

When I first started seeing dh, he told me there was a woman saying she was pregnant to him. She told the whole village the baby was dh. Even posting scan pictures with ‘baby stand’ written underneath. He wasn’t so sure and asked for DNA when baby was born. When the baby was born her best friend from the hospital immidiatly after the birth sent pictures exclaiming ‘look XXX has got your lips’ to dh. Dh was preparing to set up CS payments/bank accounts ect..

DNA test was done promptly and low and behold the baby wasn’t his. Dh could have been tied in to a life of CS and loving a baby that was not his - especially with a women he had a one stand with

DNA test needs to be done. Maybe the marriage was on the rocks and he gave it another go because she told him she was pregnant. It’s not fair on the husband to be deceived in this way

...it is also something that scares me because having a woman who he dated while we were broken up enter into our lives as the mother of his first child is very upsetting

Of course it is 🌷

However, it’s ‘there’ now, you cannot turn the clock back. It will hang over your lives if you don’t find out. You need to know otherwise it will cause you problems in the future AND the baby has the right to know too.

Of course your dp must contact Lucy and arrange a dna test. It is the only right thing to do.

The truth is going to come out at some point, it is hardly a well kept secret and I doubt your mutual friend is the only one who knows about the affair and has doubts about the child's paternity.

Take control of the situation now rather than at some unknown point in the future, when you may have dc of your own to explain all of this to.

I am surprised at pp suggesting that the family should be left alone tbh.

Lucy had an affair and lied about being on the pill; a pregnancy is very unlikely if she was on the pill and using condoms most of the time. She chose to get pregnant, she chose to keep the baby, and must have been aware of the consequences.

Her husband could waste years raising a child that is not his and deserves to know the truth about his own life so that he can make appropriate decisions.

The child will have a father; it will be her current father (even if he doesn't stay with her Mum) or your dp.

Staying out of it, brushing it under the carpet, will haunt you both.

Contact Lucy, discrete DNA test. If it's not a match, life continues as it is but you have peace of mind. If it is a match, Lucy must have a hard conversation with her dh and your dp must step up; he didn't use a condom every time so always knew this was a possibility.

If the dates match up, then that child deserves to know who its father is. What if it finds out in the future it was lied to all its life? What if it turns out your partner is its father? It will fuck that kid up mentally. Lucy made the decisions she made. You need to find out for sure what the truth is. The consequences of an affair is something she as an adult has to live with, I wouldn't be putting her and her husband's feeling first above an beyond a child.

“it only makes sense to make contact if DF is ready to be 100% in.“

No. If the DC is his is not in the DC’s interests to be lied to about her paternity, regardless of whether and how much her birth father wishes to see her.

I would not wish to remain in a relationship with a man who - whatever the circumstances of conception - was a father and not “100% in”.

I would just leave it. The baby has 2 parents, happily(?!) married. If it comes out the baby is your partners, it will likely split them up. It will be a toxic environment for the child to grow up in- unlikely that Lucy will be fair and open with access etc, as she will likely be resentful of your partner.
Best case scenario would be contacting her privately, getting a dna test and the test showing the baby is her husbands.
Can your partner live with knowing there is a baby out there that might be is? Respect to him to be fair, a lot of men would walk away and be thankful they 'got away with it'.

It feels like DF, and I need to have a serious conversation about all of the great points everyone has made here and ultimately he needs to make the final decision because I want whatever choice he makes to sit well with him. Right now I don't know what else to do beyond that point.

I’m shocked at how much people would let it lie. Hopefully the dates will prove your DF isn’t the father and that will be that.
The truth always comes out and it may come out in a much more hurtful way. Imagine being Lucy’s husband and finding out in 10 years that the daughter he has loved as his own isn’t his. Surely the sooner the better.
Keeping quiet suits Lucy. Her poor husband.
The child will be loved/supported no matter who her father is.
Lucy needs to cooperate or her husband will be made aware of his ‘D’W actions.

Oh and ditch the ‘friend’

Of course your dp must contact Lucy and arrange a dna test. It is the only right thing to do.

That's not true. There may be no way it's the Dfs. He calls Lucy, Lucy laughs and says no way I am doing a DNA test, there's no chance it's yours.

It's not going ahead. Would you do a DNA test because an ex has been told by someone else that the baby is possibly his? A someone else, who waited all this time before upsetting everyone?

The op and her DF will still be wondering if Lucy is telling the truth. But that doesn't mean Lucy has to allow a test.

Men who walk away are not men worth knowing.

As i said, unless he is wklling to be a proper parent he needs to leave it alone. He is doing no one any favours if he gets a test and then walks away, anyway.

He used condoms most of the time does the time he didn’t tally with this because it needs to.

I agree that Lucy likely was charting and flew out specifically at ovulation time (after all your op says when the friend asked whose it was she said her husband). If so she was unlikely to chance sex without a condom with anyone else

First he needs to figure that timing out if he used a condom near that time there is your answer

So what that the baby looks nothing like your DF! Neither of my kids looks like me either and I gave birth to them, so I damn well know they're mine. Unless there are different races involved or very distinctive heritages on the part of the two potential dads, this doesn't mean anything.

Having said that, I would let sleeping dogs lie. This baby has two loving parents (presumably - albeit a liar for a DM), and you and your DF are about to be married. Do you really want to kick this hornet's nest? I'd leave well alone, if I were you.

Would your dh walk away if it is his biological child ? Or would he want to be involved ?