Do we find out if my fiancé is the father of the baby?

[Shellshocked28]

I have NC for this because it is outing, but I have been on MN for years (to be safe: FUCK THE DAILY MAIL!). We are entirely shell-shocked right now and need advice on how we should proceed.

Background information: My Dfiancé and I dated for a number of years before temporarily breaking up for a few months. During that time we both dated other people before getting back together. During our breakup, DF dated Lucy (not her real name), Lucy told my DF that she was going through a divorce and they proceeded to date for a few months before their relationship ended.

It has now been over a year since DF, and I got back together, we are very happy and are looking forward to our future together. However, this past weekend while out to lunch with a friend, who also happens to know Lucy, we were informed that Lucy has a baby with her husband. As we pulled the information from our friend we learned that Lucy was never divorcing her husband and had been cheating on her husband with DF (her husband worked abroad so pretending to be in the middle of a divorce wasn't difficult) Most importantly, Lucy's baby is well over a year old and Lucy was clearly at least two if not three months pregnant with the baby when her relationship with DF ended. Our friend is adamant that she spoke with Lucy when the baby was born and Lucy told our friend that the baby was 100%, not DF's.

However, DF and I both feel that we cannot trust the word of our friend since she waited over a year to tell us about the baby (and Lucy's marriage). So, we are left wondering if the baby is DF biological child and we are questioning what we should do next.

Over the past few days, DF has wavered back and forth about what to do. The only thing we are confident of is that if DF turns out to be the father, we will support the baby financially and play an appropriate role in her life.

We feel there are two options here:

1. We say nothing to Lucy because even if she says DF isn't the biological father, that isn't information we can trust without a DNA test and demanding a DNA test will cause a lot of upset and drama in her marriage.

2. We contact Lucy and ask about paternity. This has seemed like the most rational action, but again, we are nervous about hurting her husband and causing unnecessary drama and, we aren't sure if we can trust what Lucy says.

We want to do what is best for the baby but aren't sure what "the best" is. We first thought that the clear answer was contacting Lucy and determining paternity, but if the baby isn't DF's, then we run the risk of causing turmoil in her marriage and thus upsetting the life of the baby. We are also worried that if we don't find out this will be hanging over our heads forever. I am worried that years from now we could be contacted by the baby and she will be upset that we had a hunch that DF was her biological father but that we didn't take action to find out and form a relationship with her. Every scenario is worrying us right now.

Please help us figure out what the right course of action is.

There's another scenario I don't think you or your DF have considered: what if Lucy does agree to a DNA test, the baby IS your DF's, but the DH decides he wants to stick with his wife and the child he's raised as his own for a year. What happens then? Will your DF fight for custody of the baby? He needs to think long and hard about what he really wants out of this.

Plus, for all you know, the DH could know all about her affair now, know that the baby isn't his, but wants to continue his marriage anyway. It's not unheard of, and if they had been having problems conceiving, it might actually be an outcome they feel they can both live with.

I know you don't think much of your friend right now, but I'd be inclined to use her as an intermediary. Get her to mention to Lucy you've been questioning the paternity and see what happens.

Loopy, thank you for your response to chugalug, I was going to saying something similar.

I keep thinking about a story I heard about this man who took one of the DNA test home kits to test his ancestry and through that found out that his father was not his father. Unfortunately, his parents had died years before and so he never got down to the bottom of it but it disrupted his whole sense of self and of family. I don't want to be complicit in doing that to someone.

Bear in mind that Lucy might have already done a dna test which determined that her dp was the father,

This is the other thing. Maybe the friend is correct in her retelling. Though I would question why she told you now, over a social lunch.

But she could be right but Lucy has already resolved the situation, herself.

Wanting to parent your biological child is not selfish.

Lucy is the selfish one here.

I don't want to be complicit in doing that to someone.

Do you want to be complicit in imploding someone's life, perhaps without good cause?

I think you should stay out of it,

The ramifications for that family are enormous.

But he would lose out on being a parent, compromise his integrity,

Tough, What integrity? He didn't always use a condom.

and collude in his DC being psychologically harmed

But if it turns out he isn't the father, and it blows that family apart - there's the harm.

I'd leave it alone too. Personally I don't consider it a 'waste' to raise a child which isn't biologically yours - Lucy's dh loves this child already, if he found out she wasn't his, he would still love her. All you would do is hurt him.
If you contact Lucy, she will tell you to bugger off. You then have the option of forcing it legally, which her h will know about because he is the legal father. I think the shitstorm will remove any possibility of a harmonious future relationship where your df and Lucy co parent.
They could make you fight for access through the court, which is expensive and time consuming and could result in minimum access. Lucy is not going to calmly roll over and accept your df as the father of her baby, after you two throw a hand grenade into her life - she will be bitter and spiteful. None of this brnefits the baby.
In all likelihood I think she flew out to where her h was while ovulating. But on the off chance your df is the bio father, his involvement isn't going to improve this baby's life. Leave her with her happy family unit.
Don't judge Lucy's marriage - couples have ups and downs. It doesn't mean they aren't a happy stable family now.

You must tell Lucy's OH. He has a right to know that his wife was cheating and he may not be the biological father.

I know you don't think much of your friend right now, but I'd be inclined to use her as an intermediary. Get her to mention to Lucy you've been questioning the paternity and see what happens.

That would be a terrible thing to do for so many reasons.

Honestly, I know you both want to do the right thing but I don't see how any good can come of taking this any further. The child has a man who believes he is it's father, is married to the child's mother and is able to provide for the child. The child does not need your DP, even if he is the biological father. By pushing for confirmation of paternity, you risk breaking up the child's family. There is also no guarantee that the "parents" will just bend over and allow your DP to have a relationship with the child and if the law ultimately forces them to do so that leads to the child being forced to have a relationship with someone who has a very negative relationship with the people he/she sees as his mummy and daddy.

This may sound harsh, but it seems to me that forcing the issue would be all about what is right for your DP's moral conscience and very little to do with what is right for the child.

You must tell Lucy's OH. He has a right to know that his wife was cheating and he may not be the biological father.

And if the friend is lying....Or wrong? Or the OH already knows? That will help relations between Lucy and Df.

We won't be confronting the husband at all, that would be a horrible thing to do especially because we have not confirmed any of the facts.

For goodness sake, put the child’s interests first and stay the hell out of this other’s couple’s marriage and family.
It’s estimated from blood grouping etc that over 10% of all kids in the U.K. are not the biological children of their putative father’s - what they don’t know doesn’t harm them, and it would be selfish and irresponsible in the extreme to destroy three people’s happiness to satisfy your curiosity. Your partner was merely a sperm donor if anything at all, and Lucy clearly wants nothing more to do with him or she would have made contact by now. Respect her wishes and leave her and her family in peace.

Wcw

Nanny0gg - actually, you're right, it would be a terrible idea! Not sure why I suggested it.

It seems to me that forcing the issue would be all about what is right for your DP's moral conscience and very little to do with what is right for the child.

^ This. I don't think your or your DF are considering at all what's best for the child right now, OP. Instead you've already been discussing how you'd make contact visits work! Have you even stopped to think about the psychological impact of demanding that of a year-old child???

DF talked to his parents and they are of the opinion that DF should call Lucy and ask her and if she says the baby isn't his, DF has to take her at her word and find a way to be comfortable with that because the other option would too disruptive for the baby and their family unit.

Do you honestly, hand on heart, believe that your DF will take Lucy's word for it and leave it at that?

I wouldn’t do anything for a year - there is no immediate hurry with any of this.

Out of interest, do you live in the same town as Lucy? If it were not for this ‘friend’ would you ever have found out that Lucy even has a child?

Makemineboozefree, no, we haven't thought about the psychological impact of demanding anything of the baby. Like I said before, I know that most of my thought process right now is selfish and I am consumed with fear. It isn't right of me which is why I am glad that so many of you are offering your thoughts because it allowed me to consider the situation outside of the impact on our lives and relationship.

I don't think you're going to drop this yet, OP. You're DF is going to ask Lucy.

Lucy is going to deny the baby is anyone's but her husbands. Why would she say now say "Oh, whoops, it might be yours, let's do a DNA test", risk finding out the baby is not her husband's or risk having firm proof it isn't. That doesn't benefit Lucy in any way ATM. If it did, and she had doubt she would already have contacted your DF.

There bound be many things running through Lucys mind, but my guess is above all she wants a baby, with her husband and for the three of them to be happy. She's not going to risk that with a DNA test. It doesn't sound like she needs any financial or any other assistance, so I very much doubt she'd agree to a DNA test unless she was blackmailed into one by saying you would tell her husband she'd slept with someone else.

So basically your DF will ask, Lucy will probably say "get lost" and you'll be for ever wondering. Unless Lucy is 100% sure, and can prove your DF is not the father.

There is not going to be a "Yes, actually you're the father" any time soon.

I'm sure there was a thread a while back where the OP & her husband were struggling to conceived and the OP got pregnant by someone else, and she was pretty sure her DH knew, but he was just very happy to have a child so they'd never spoken about it. Just saying

Problem is, these things always come out in the future.
Especially these days.
What happens if the baby found out that her bio father had an inkling and didn’t do anything about it? Isn’t that just as destructive.
I agree with his parents course of action. But I would perhaps point out to Lucy that the truth will always out, so it needs to be the truth or she will damage her child irrevocably in the future.

Enidblyton1, this is where things are further complicated because according to our friend, Lucy, husband and baby now live in the country where the husband was away working (and EU country). Although again, we only have our friends word here.

Well in that case, until you see concrete proof that this baby even exists... stay the heck out of it.

Mutual friend could have all sorts of reasons for wanting to detonate a grenade in Lucy's marriage.

She might disapprove of the affair and thinks that making up a baby and telling you is a good way of helping Lucy's DH find out without her being particularly incriminated for example.

Even if Lucy's social media is on lockdown it would be pretty easy to figure out something. Searching her name would bring up group posts, anything in baby groups? It would also bring up any congratulations posts she may have been tagged in. A lot of women change their profile pictures to one of them and their newborn, or the cover photo. If you can't find any evidence of this at all - I would suggest the baby doesn't exist.

LynetteScavo, I have been thinking about that. I think the only way Lucy would admit outright that the baby is DF without having to take a DNA test is if Lucy and husband are in this together, husband already knows and is happy with how things are or if Lucy and her husband are on the rocks.