Do we find out if my fiancé is the father of the baby?

[Shellshocked28]

I have NC for this because it is outing, but I have been on MN for years (to be safe: FUCK THE DAILY MAIL!). We are entirely shell-shocked right now and need advice on how we should proceed.

Background information: My Dfiancé and I dated for a number of years before temporarily breaking up for a few months. During that time we both dated other people before getting back together. During our breakup, DF dated Lucy (not her real name), Lucy told my DF that she was going through a divorce and they proceeded to date for a few months before their relationship ended.

It has now been over a year since DF, and I got back together, we are very happy and are looking forward to our future together. However, this past weekend while out to lunch with a friend, who also happens to know Lucy, we were informed that Lucy has a baby with her husband. As we pulled the information from our friend we learned that Lucy was never divorcing her husband and had been cheating on her husband with DF (her husband worked abroad so pretending to be in the middle of a divorce wasn't difficult) Most importantly, Lucy's baby is well over a year old and Lucy was clearly at least two if not three months pregnant with the baby when her relationship with DF ended. Our friend is adamant that she spoke with Lucy when the baby was born and Lucy told our friend that the baby was 100%, not DF's.

However, DF and I both feel that we cannot trust the word of our friend since she waited over a year to tell us about the baby (and Lucy's marriage). So, we are left wondering if the baby is DF biological child and we are questioning what we should do next.

Over the past few days, DF has wavered back and forth about what to do. The only thing we are confident of is that if DF turns out to be the father, we will support the baby financially and play an appropriate role in her life.

We feel there are two options here:

1. We say nothing to Lucy because even if she says DF isn't the biological father, that isn't information we can trust without a DNA test and demanding a DNA test will cause a lot of upset and drama in her marriage.

2. We contact Lucy and ask about paternity. This has seemed like the most rational action, but again, we are nervous about hurting her husband and causing unnecessary drama and, we aren't sure if we can trust what Lucy says.

We want to do what is best for the baby but aren't sure what "the best" is. We first thought that the clear answer was contacting Lucy and determining paternity, but if the baby isn't DF's, then we run the risk of causing turmoil in her marriage and thus upsetting the life of the baby. We are also worried that if we don't find out this will be hanging over our heads forever. I am worried that years from now we could be contacted by the baby and she will be upset that we had a hunch that DF was her biological father but that we didn't take action to find out and form a relationship with her. Every scenario is worrying us right now.

Please help us figure out what the right course of action is.

I would not take this further in your shoes. What exactly do you think you can do to improve the situation? The mother has presumably not made contact and whatever her faults she deserves to have some privacy to bring up her child. The baby has two presumably loving parents. You worry what the child will think if you did nothing, but what will the child think if by your actions you trigger the breakup of that family unit? That is an irreversible step.

I would suggest maintaining a discreet distance but stay aware. If your dh is needed in the child's life at some point in the future you can be on hand.

The child will thank you for being considerate more than for rashly interfering.

Square, sorry that wasn't a thought out response on my part. It doesn't matter who the baby looks like in a photo because a photo isn't a DNA test. I didn't mean for my comment to be offensive if it was.

What on earth are you hoping to gain from this? It sounds like you are loving the drama. I know it’s been a shock. But there’s no good end to this.

safety, I am not sure what you mean by that, but DF and are two loving and caring people who are only trying to do the right thing in a difficult situation, a situation that we are shocked to find ourselves.

Ok, for a start the friend is unlikely to know conception date. So you are talking approximates. So you don't know.

Secondly what does he want to do if the baby he is?

The way I see it, let's say the baby is his. It could blow up their marriage and the baby's life. So if he isn't going to have lots of contact with the baby, he needs to stay away.

He needs to decide that if the baby is his there is potentially a huge emotional fallout.

If he thinks he would prefer to let his ex and baby be a family with her dh, then he should stay away.

EmmaGrundyForPM , I am not sure what would be to gain by talking to Lucy, I suppose that is what I am trying to figure out. I am most worried right now about disrupting the baby and her secure life right now because as far as we know, she has a nice life with a loving father and mother.

Ultimately it is my DF choice to make, but I know he will want my opinion, and I want to make sure I have thought about this coherently and that I am not reacting in fear.

I think if your DF doesn’t approach Lucy this will at some time in the future come back to haunt you, if it turns out DF is the father. I have seen it before, Lucy is happy with the lie at the moment as her life is going OK but if in 10 years time her life falls apart she will soon be in contact with the one person she can get something from. I would say you are both being very understanding and sound like you will cope with whatever the outcome. If your DF is the biological father the child may need to know as what if in the future the DC needs medical history etc it is important to know your makeup if at all possible.

Thatsfucking, that is correct, we don't know anything except for how old the baby is. We are only guessing at everything else.

I have asked my DF what he would want to do if the baby is his and he has said he would financially support her but I don't think he is prepared to have any definitive answer about how much he would see her and what his daily involvement would be.

The emotional fallout from finding out the baby is his would impact everything, most importantly Lucy, the baby and Lucy's husband.

Crazydog, I hadn't thought about the fact that the baby would need to know medical history at some point.

I also feel like in the time we are living in now, where everyone is doing ancestry DNA kits, these types of secrets don't stay secret for long and by not pursuing this now are we just kicking the can down the road?

If DF calls Lucy and Lucy says the baby is not his, what would be the correct response? Should DF then insist on a DNA test?

I'd imagine Lucy will shut you down immediately when you speak to her. Especially if she knows who the father really is. Just don't expect a civil exchange.

He can insist on a DNA I think but I wouldn’t think Lucy would be daft enough to let it get that far. The thing I would try to remember is not to be accusatory ( is that even a word?!) and stay calm and give Lucy time to think about what your DF is asking for.

Here, I am worried about this will turn vicious because I can only imagine that Lucy's number one concern will be to protect the baby which means also protecting the life Lucy and her husband have made for the baby.

This feels like the most surreal situation and as if every move is the wrong move.

Exactly what ‘thatsfuckingshit said. If it’s not his you’ve just caused upset to Lucy and dragged her back into your life. Put yourself in her shoes, she’s had a fling, he turns up out of the blue demanding paternity test. She might not know who the father is for sure. It could blow her life apart.

Say it is you fiancés, is he goin* to demand contact? It’s unlikely Lucy’s partner is going to stick around?

Let sleeping dogs lie and gossipy friend not get her kicks from winding you up.

What do you want from this. You say what is best for the child but at the moment they have a stable home and two parents and a man who is legally the father (and he is they are married and he is on the birth certificate)

Truthfully if she slep with your df then her dh she probably is not 100% certain either way.

You clearly don’t like Lucy please don’t let that cloud your judgement. The best thing for the baby is to leave it and have a clear plan if it turns out he is and they come looking

It was a joke BTW, the KJS reference.

"a situation that we are shocked to find ourselves."

How is it a shock if your DP had unprotected sex? also believing the other woman was on the pill is very naïve, especially considering they were not in an relationship why would he chance believing her.

I am just shocked at how accepting you are of this. If I was you, I cut my looses and walk away. If the baby is his, your entering a very volatile situation which is no doing of your own.

I would want to leave this well alone. This will complicate your entire futures.

The child has an allegedly “nice man” father figure and stable home. This guy could also very easily be the babies father.

You’d be throwing a hand grenade into that.
And potentially ending her marriage.

Consider a worst case scenario...If the child is your fiancés, and her marriage ends.
There will likely be a lot of financial hardship on her end (reduced income, divorce costs, additional child related expenses)
This will require financial support (potentially backdated)
she will most likely not make you life easy from what you have written about “different values” and “using you for money” (also you’d have initiated a divorce and from her perspective “wrecked her life”)
She may use the child against you both, fill their head with poison and you’ll have to deal with the terrible behaviour that results (while trying to sort out your own younger family)

18 years is a looooiiong time. I would not be rushing into anything right now...

Maybe encourage your fiancé to talk to a professional (therapist/ counsellor) about it to explore it more.

I know DF doesn't want to blow up Lucy's life, he has said that multiple times but I also know that this will be in the back of his mind and I want him to have as much peace as possible about it.

Perhaps DF could call Lucy, ask about the baby and see what she says. If she says the baby isn't his then he could take her word for it and leave it alone? I also fear opening up our lives to Lucy, I don't want the possibility of her coming in and blowing up our lives at some point in the future too.

Sorry I would find out sooner rather than later - also would probably have a good think about getting married if it turns out to be a positive result.

This is such a hard situation for you both and stress you could both do without I suspect. I would want to get on with finding out to get this sorted. You may find out that the baby is not as old as you thought and it wint be necessary, I suspect all the information you have so far is hearsay. Get your facts together first and go from there. for you both. Good luck and I truly hope it turns out not to be your DF’s.x

It’s not about him and his peace of mind. Even if he is the father his priority is the child.

It’s isnt in their best interest at the moment to turn their life upside down at all.

It’s all about your fears and him wanting to know. All valid yes but ultimately make the right decision for the baby. Rather than blowing up multiple peoples lives on the say so of one person.

At the moment the baby has a father. If you take that away from him/her, your partner had better be sure he is going to fill the vacancy. She is likely to become a single parent so be sure you can support the baby financially too.

So your shit stirring friend dropped this into a conversation and you believe her? Do you have any idea when this baby was born. How do you know she was pregnant shortly after sleeping with your DP., they could have been born months early. Why are you both so invested in this? This baby has two loving parents and you want to bull doze in as some numpty friend who is renowned for shit stirring has come up with a tale for you both to run with. In doing so you could destroy there marriage. How do you know this lady was not on a break as you were yourself from your own DP. There is a lot of assumptions here. And you and your other half are potentially putting 2 +2 together and coming up with 5. I can almost guarantee that if your OH calls Lucy she will tell him to bog off. Then what?

What a sad situation.
I would advise approaching Lucy and asking in a non confrontational way. If she says there's no chance then you can take it from there, but there maybe date confusion or other info your 'friend' isn't privy to.

crazydog, thank you for the sweet response, I appreciate it.

Quartz, you are right, I am thinking a lot about my fears and wanting an answer that will take those fears and questions away. I want to be the better person here and be selfless, but I am also really scared that this could cause my relationship and future to suffer and I feel ashamed for being so self-consumed when there is an innocent baby involved.

A lot of you have made the point that DF needs to be ready to take the place of the father should the baby turn out to be his because the likelihood of her husband sticking around isn't great. I am going to talk with him about the ramifications of this and make sure he understands that he would need to be there financially, emotionally and physically for the baby. DF is a good person, and I know if it came down to it he would do all of those things, but it is also something that scares me because having a woman who he dated while we were broken up enter into our lives as the mother of his first child is very upsetting.

I have asked my DF what he would want to do if the baby is his and he has said he would financially support her but I don't think he is prepared to have any definitive answer about how much he would see her and what his daily involvement would be.

Until he has a definitive answer he needs to not do anything.

He can't implode this families life then not have contact. How is he going to financially provide if Lucy won't accept or acknowledge he is the father?

He can't proceed and then be half in or half out. That's wrong