Do we find out if my fiancé is the father of the baby?

[Shellshocked28]

I have NC for this because it is outing, but I have been on MN for years (to be safe: FUCK THE DAILY MAIL!). We are entirely shell-shocked right now and need advice on how we should proceed.

Background information: My Dfiancé and I dated for a number of years before temporarily breaking up for a few months. During that time we both dated other people before getting back together. During our breakup, DF dated Lucy (not her real name), Lucy told my DF that she was going through a divorce and they proceeded to date for a few months before their relationship ended.

It has now been over a year since DF, and I got back together, we are very happy and are looking forward to our future together. However, this past weekend while out to lunch with a friend, who also happens to know Lucy, we were informed that Lucy has a baby with her husband. As we pulled the information from our friend we learned that Lucy was never divorcing her husband and had been cheating on her husband with DF (her husband worked abroad so pretending to be in the middle of a divorce wasn't difficult) Most importantly, Lucy's baby is well over a year old and Lucy was clearly at least two if not three months pregnant with the baby when her relationship with DF ended. Our friend is adamant that she spoke with Lucy when the baby was born and Lucy told our friend that the baby was 100%, not DF's.

However, DF and I both feel that we cannot trust the word of our friend since she waited over a year to tell us about the baby (and Lucy's marriage). So, we are left wondering if the baby is DF biological child and we are questioning what we should do next.

Over the past few days, DF has wavered back and forth about what to do. The only thing we are confident of is that if DF turns out to be the father, we will support the baby financially and play an appropriate role in her life.

We feel there are two options here:

1. We say nothing to Lucy because even if she says DF isn't the biological father, that isn't information we can trust without a DNA test and demanding a DNA test will cause a lot of upset and drama in her marriage.

2. We contact Lucy and ask about paternity. This has seemed like the most rational action, but again, we are nervous about hurting her husband and causing unnecessary drama and, we aren't sure if we can trust what Lucy says.

We want to do what is best for the baby but aren't sure what "the best" is. We first thought that the clear answer was contacting Lucy and determining paternity, but if the baby isn't DF's, then we run the risk of causing turmoil in her marriage and thus upsetting the life of the baby. We are also worried that if we don't find out this will be hanging over our heads forever. I am worried that years from now we could be contacted by the baby and she will be upset that we had a hunch that DF was her biological father but that we didn't take action to find out and form a relationship with her. Every scenario is worrying us right now.

Please help us figure out what the right course of action is.

I'm shocked at how many people are saying "leave well alone" "baby already has 2 loving parents". Not necessarily, OP df could be the father, he has every right to be involved in child's life if Dc turns out to be his. Lucy is the one in the wrong here, not DF so why should he suffer because of Lucy's infidelity? ...... Baby and df deserve to know each other, they are the innocent parties in this

The OPs DF doesn’t WANT to be a father . He has no intention or parenting this child. The Op has made it clear.

It’s not about “ his rights” , it’s about what is best for the child.

This man is not “ suffering because of Lucy’s infidelity “ and hes not an “ innocent party”. He’s a reckless fool who now has to live with the consequences of his own stupidity. I hope he feels guilty because he bloody well should.

He ran the risk of creating a baby he has nothing to do with because he had unprotected sex in a casual relationship. Accidentally making a baby is a risk of having sex, particularly unprotected sex.

That’s how nature works. I’m suprised how many people seen to think that it’s men’s moral right to do so and that someone, somehow should protect them from the consequences.

Eg the woman should have an abortion because he says so, the tax payer should pay for his kid because he doesn’t want to, he gets to have someone else do the work and pay for to raise his child while he plays Disney dad at birthdays and Christmas and chucks the odd £50 her way while complaining that she gets her nails done.

Women have to live with risks of sex and the consequences of an unwanted pregnancy all the time. I don’t see anyone bleating on about how unfair this is and how someone / somewhere should take on 95% of the work and cost of parenting and how they have the right to walk away when it’s not convenient.

What about women who want to travel and focus on their career when a surprise baby comes alone ? Why is no one talking about Lucy’s rights here and how she has possibly been stuck with raising a child that she didn’t plan?

The OPs DF is not the first man in history to have a child he doesn’t know about and he won’t be the last.

It’s not ideal but leaving Lucy and her Dh to get on with their lives is the least bad choice here.

Let them as a couple work out what to do about DNA tests etc and what to tell their child.

“What would be far easier, and much more humane, is that DNA tests are carried out at birth for all children.”

WTAF

Worst idea I’ve read in a long time

Rosemary46

What an amazing post, demonising the DF whilst exonerating "lucy".

But yes lets leave "lucy" and her "D"H to get on with raising a child that may not be his.

It’s not about “ his rights” , it’s about what is best for the child.

What a ridiculous statement when there may well be health conditions that one man has (and which a doctor will therefore need to know about) while the other doesn't. Ignorance (or misinformation) in this area could negatively affect the child for the rest of his life. Never mind his own psychological turmoil when, if he is not biologically related to his known father, he finds this out. We're living in an age when it is increasingly unlikely that this will never come to light.

You are all assuming that Lucy and her husband will not get a DNA test AND that they will not tell this to the child ( if relevant ) .

There’s no proof of either of these.

And I’ve lived most of my life without knowing my fathers medical history as have millions of other people. It has no significant negative consequences for people 99.9% of the time.

Some of you seem very naive about how often this kind of thing occurs.

”worst idea I’ve read in a long time”

So, leaving aside the emotional damage and impact to so many involved, and the long term benefits to understanding your genetic predisposition to cancer and other illnesses, there is almost no other important financial or medically related decision we’re (legally) allowed to take part in, without at least an attempt to inform our consent.

You can’t take out a mobile phone contract for a year without 5 minutes of t&cs, but you’re happy that tens of thousands of fathers commit to a lifetime of paying for kids that they don’t know aren’t theirs?

And why does the genetic father get to have the “fun” without any of the financial commitment?

Why would you assume that Lucy’s husband doesn’t know ?

Rosemary46
Some of you seem very naive about how often this kind of thing occurs.

That doesn't make it right. There have been quite a few cases of paternity fraud.

And in the USA even if you are not the father you are still required by law to provide for a child that you have been lied about.

I have NOT argued for paternity fraud .

I have NOT said that Lucy and her husband shouldn’t do a DNA test if they are concerned.

I have NOT argued that they should not tell the child ( if relevant ).

I HAVE argued that the OP and her DF should stay out of it.

The thread is about Do we find out if my fiancé is the father of the baby?. And my answer is NO.

Because that’s what is best for the child.

It’s not about the OPs DF, who doesn’t have any intention of parenting this child. Meanwhile there is another man, Lucy’s husband, who ALREADY IS this baby’s father. Both legally and practically.

It’s about the welfare of a child. Not men’s rights.

Rosemary I think we are reading different posts, How is DF a reckless fool? He didnt know she was still with her DH, he didnt know the baby even exsisted till very recently, and where does it state that DF has no intention of parenting this child In fact OP states very differently ,Over the past few days, DF has wavered back and forth about what to do. The only thing we are confident of is that if DF turns out to be the father, we will support the baby financially and play an appropriate role in her life I am confused why you think Lucy has done no wrong, she was the married one, she withheld information from a patential father, and, presumably has put a fathers name on a birth certificate that maybe not be right, that's illegal!

What about woman who want to travel and focus om their career when a surprise baby come along. Why is no one talking about Lucy's rights here and possibly being stuck with raising a child she didnt plan All this was her choice, there are many different options out there these days for unwanted pregnancy, adoption, abortion, foster care, If DF had know knowledge of the baby, what could he have done? Maybe if he knew from the start that here was a possibility of the DC being his, then he couldve helped with whatever decisions needed making. From a lot of what you say, You sound very bitter! It takes 2 to make a baby, why 1 parent can think they should have all the say, and willingly with hold information to a patential father is beyond me. That poor DC, thats all I can say.

Rosemary how can you argue that it's not best for the child to know who their father is?

It may well be. You don't know enough about the people to make a call in this situation.

*Rosemary

The thread is about Do we find out if my fiancé is the father of the baby?. And my answer is NO.

Because that’s what is best for the child. How is any of this best for the child? What if she needs a transfusion or something similar and Lucy or her husband arnt a match? Would DF be expected to step up then?

He’s a fool because he had unprotected sex when he didn’t want to be a father.

I don’t know what Lucy has or hasn’t done wrong because we don’t know if she and her husband were on a break, just like the Op and her DF. Nor do we know any of their plans.

Because it’s not our business, same it’s as it’s Not the OPs.

Are you seriously suggesting that abortion, adoption and foster care are easy choices for a woman with an unwanted pregnancy ??? I don’t know anyone who takes these things lightly - do you ?

And yes, one parent does get to make more of the decisions over a pregnancy because only one is pregnant. Because biology . And because the Law.

I didn’t invent either of these things.

Some of you still seem very focussed on men’s rights ans on apportioning right and wrong between the adults involved. But it’s about THE CHILD.

Rosemary46

You seem very focused on "mens rights" but quite happy for someone to bring up a child that may not be his, surely he should have the choice.

When a man donates sperm, he is aknowledging a baby could be made from it, which he will have no responsibility for. He's also accepting the possibility he may get a knock at the door in around 20 years time from someone who wants to know about their biological 'father'.

If a man has unprotected sex in a casual relationship, how is it any different? The possible results are the same. OP's DP knew what could happen with his sperm but he took no responsibility or interest in the outcome of it.

She doesnt sound like the most moral person in the world, but like all women, Lucy had to take responsibility from day 1 and if she is in doubt of paternity has already made countless desisions about the best course of action for her and her baby.

Surely the only decent course of action here is to do what you should do as a sperm donor, let the child's parents know if you do have any hereditary conditions which may effect the baby's future and wait and see if you get the knock on the door in 20 years time.

OP, I think you sound lovely and very understanding, but I think your fiance forfeited any claim when he donated his sperm and walked away without any consideration. If he were my fiance, I would want him to discreetly contact Lucy, tell her about the conversation with the friend and that he is happy to do a paternity test and be involved/support should it ever be required. But he should then walk away with no expectations.

If Lucy posted here about her dilemma, would she probably be told she must tell the truth eventually? If DF is the father, he will probably get that knock on the door one day.

Rosemary

Are you seriously suggesting that abortion, adoption and foster care are easy choices for a woman with an unwanted pregnancy ??? I don’t know anyone who takes these things lightly - do you ? No, i am not suggesting any of these are easy choices to make, doesn't takeaway the fact that these choices are there.

And yes, one parent does get to make more of the decisions over a pregnancy because only one is pregnant. Because biology . And because the Law. I wasn't referring to the pregnancy, I was referring to the upbringing of a child. Why should Lucy make the decisions about finding out who the father is, or to with hold information, The only time this would be acceptable would be when the potential father was a rapist/abuser/peodophile or something similar. Being a mother doesnt mean you have the sole right to the child, the DC isnt a possession, they are a human being who has the same rights of any other human knowing there back ground, family history and, most importantly, who their REAL parents are.

Shellshocked28 In my opinion, I think your DF should find out if he is the father or not, and what he chooses to do with that information (depending on result) should be discussed between Lucy and himself.

And I’ve lived most of my life without knowing my fathers medical history as have millions of other people.

You're older. The next generation (and their doctors) will be using information about their DNA a great deal more.

You have no idea how many people need to know their parents medical history/need a biological relative for health reasons. Don't be flippant.

A guy l know found out his DF wasn't his DF when he was in urgent need of a kidney transplant.... just saying !!!

You seem very focused on "mens rights" but quite happy for someone to bring up a child that may not be his, surely he should have the choice

Where did I say that he ( I assume you mean Lucy’s husband ) shouldn’t have the choice ?

If Lucy’s husband should have the choice then so should the OP’s DF, assuming it’s possible he’s the genetic father.

And as to the analogy between a regulated sperm donation and someone having a relationship which ultimately doesn’t work out - how are those two things even remotely related?

The sperm donor has no intention of being a father to any children that result. If he does it legally, he will never be expected to pay CS and in 18/20 years time, he shouldn’t just get a knock on the door - any requests for meeting legal donors are supposed to go via the clinic, so he has the option of refusing.

We don’t know what OP’s DF’s intentions were during the break. He, we’re told, believed that Lucy was getting divorced. The relationship may have continued, had she been in the process of divorcing as she’d claimed, and he’d have had an opportunity to step up and be a father.

I haven’t RTFT but I’m not sure there’s a way you can do this without disrupting Lucy’s marriage. She either doesn’t believe you DF is the father (which is why she never contacted him), or she thinks he is but she doesn’t want him to be involved. Either way, if you ask her she’ll tell you he’s not and you won’t believe her without a DNA test which she almost certainly won’t want to do. You’re then left in the same position you’re in now or you have to go nuclear and demand one through the court (if you can even do that), which means her husband finds out.

If I were you I’d do nothing and assume the baby isn’t your DF’s. If there were only a few occasions without a condom then it seems unlikely that he’s the father. If Lucy ever contacts contacts you or the child does then you can take it from there.

“What would be far easier, and much more humane, is that DNA tests are carried out at birth for all children.”

Ok let me elaborate on why this is a fucking terrible idea.

You are mandating that every single child has a dna test, whether or not their mother - who has JUST GIVEN BIRTH to that child - consents. Essentially you want to treat every single mother as a potential cheat and a liar, just because a small minority of mothers cheat and lie about paternity.

That’s a massive pile of misogynist bollocks.

And it’s not “humane”!! Imagine a man finding out he is not the biological father just after his partner has given birth, without her consent and when she and her baby are at their most vulnerable. What if he is or becomes abusive, aggressive, violent?

I actually think that when paternity is in question there should be a DNA test. But it shouldn’t be mandated in every single case, that’s ridiculous and insulting.

Well, let’s face it, the guy (abusive or otherwise) will only find out “just after the birth” if his partner hasn’t told him - otherwise she’ll have taken the many opportunities that 7.5+ months will have afforded her to tell him he may not be the Dad because she’s cheated. She will know whether it’s biologically possible that he may not be the father even if he hasn’t a clue.

So, as an alternative and ignoring all of the other benefits that come from establishing a DNA profile at birth (long term health, preventing unwitting half-sibling relationships, preventing later emotional harm, right to know both parents etc) why not try something else...

If it’s acceptable that as many as 1 in 10 fathers will bring up someone else’s child, let’s enter all new births in a draw. 9 of the numbers will match the actual baby and the 10th will be a random swap with a.n.other newborn. Everyone that gets the “wrong” number in the draw goes home with a baby that’s not biologically theirs.

Seems like a winner to me

I can only suppose that you’ve never given birth.

I am not sure how you would be able to demand or enforce anything given that you wrote that Lucy lives abroad in another EU country!

At the moment you only have a lot of gossip to go on

• you don't know for a fact that Lucy even has a baby
• you don't know the baby's age or EDD - baby could be older/younger
• you don't know the "friend's" motivation - is she using your DF to detonate a bomshell in Lucy's marriage? Can you trust this friend?
• you don't know what her husband knows/doesn't know

I think this is really a question for your DF - does he really want to know with all the risks.

• is he prepared to contact Lucy and ask the question?
• will he ever be able to find out? I'm not sure how you would enforce a DNA test on a non-UK resident?
• If it is his baby how would he maintain support/contact with a non-UK resident?
• what would be the consequences of contact etc - if it turns out the gossip is all lies?

It is not an easy decision - but your DF really needs to decide how far he wants to take this and whether he is prepared for unanticipated consequences