Do we find out if my fiancé is the father of the baby?

[Shellshocked28]

I have NC for this because it is outing, but I have been on MN for years (to be safe: FUCK THE DAILY MAIL!). We are entirely shell-shocked right now and need advice on how we should proceed.

Background information: My Dfiancé and I dated for a number of years before temporarily breaking up for a few months. During that time we both dated other people before getting back together. During our breakup, DF dated Lucy (not her real name), Lucy told my DF that she was going through a divorce and they proceeded to date for a few months before their relationship ended.

It has now been over a year since DF, and I got back together, we are very happy and are looking forward to our future together. However, this past weekend while out to lunch with a friend, who also happens to know Lucy, we were informed that Lucy has a baby with her husband. As we pulled the information from our friend we learned that Lucy was never divorcing her husband and had been cheating on her husband with DF (her husband worked abroad so pretending to be in the middle of a divorce wasn't difficult) Most importantly, Lucy's baby is well over a year old and Lucy was clearly at least two if not three months pregnant with the baby when her relationship with DF ended. Our friend is adamant that she spoke with Lucy when the baby was born and Lucy told our friend that the baby was 100%, not DF's.

However, DF and I both feel that we cannot trust the word of our friend since she waited over a year to tell us about the baby (and Lucy's marriage). So, we are left wondering if the baby is DF biological child and we are questioning what we should do next.

Over the past few days, DF has wavered back and forth about what to do. The only thing we are confident of is that if DF turns out to be the father, we will support the baby financially and play an appropriate role in her life.

We feel there are two options here:

1. We say nothing to Lucy because even if she says DF isn't the biological father, that isn't information we can trust without a DNA test and demanding a DNA test will cause a lot of upset and drama in her marriage.

2. We contact Lucy and ask about paternity. This has seemed like the most rational action, but again, we are nervous about hurting her husband and causing unnecessary drama and, we aren't sure if we can trust what Lucy says.

We want to do what is best for the baby but aren't sure what "the best" is. We first thought that the clear answer was contacting Lucy and determining paternity, but if the baby isn't DF's, then we run the risk of causing turmoil in her marriage and thus upsetting the life of the baby. We are also worried that if we don't find out this will be hanging over our heads forever. I am worried that years from now we could be contacted by the baby and she will be upset that we had a hunch that DF was her biological father but that we didn't take action to find out and form a relationship with her. Every scenario is worrying us right now.

Please help us figure out what the right course of action is.

@Shellshocked28 you sound lovely and very understanding. That's my two pence worth here x

So here we have a child who is living with his/her mother and mother’s husband who may or may not have contributed sperm to make that child. Your DF may also have contributed sperm. But that is all he has done. What would happen if he found out that it was his sperm? He will not be on the child’s birth certificate, he has no parental responsibility. He is not the person raising this child. Even if the child looks like him, he is not that child’s parent. Why has he involved his parents? Leave this child to have a life with the people who are raising it, move on, focus on your relationship.

Did you ask your friend or her DH why she was telling you about this now? It does seem odd to just come out with this after a year of not having mentioned it. Why did Lucy suddenly come up in conversation now rather than when she was pregnant or when the child was newly born? Is it possible Lucy was using your friend as a sounding board for contact? It’s a difficult one. My gut reaction was to leave well alone if the child is happy and secure in her family unit - but how do you know if she is happy (cue episodes of Long Lost Family - which I know is not exactly the same situation - where participants say they never felt they truly belonged in their adoptive families and always felt a disconnect)? Sorry - not much help - but I would ask the friend what she thought she was trying to achieve in telling this to you both. Did her DH really just say nothing at the time?

I'm curious now: who ended their affair, your DF or Lucy?

If the baby isn't even in this country, how do you think access is going to work? Or forcing a dna test? Imho you've got no chance of this working out well. She could tie you up for years, just getting the dna test! All she has to do is deny having slept with your df. Do you have the resources ans stomach to fight all this in a foreign court?

Ignore the baby, who could be made up.
The OH has a right to know his wife has been cheating.

That isn't the OP's business. Why would she get involved in that can of worms?
No one knows if she really was cheating. Maybe they were separated, or have an open marriage. Maybe the husband has had an affair too. Maybe the h will kick the shit out of the df for shagging his wife. Who knows? The OP should just concentrate on her own problem and not borrow trouble.

Sleepsoon7: I have wondered if friend is being used as a sounding board for contact via Lucy. I did ask our friend why she was telling us now, and she said that she hadn't spoken to Lucy in a few months and then was surprised to find out that she had a baby. I am not sure if I believe.

Makemineboozefree: According to DF they feel out of contact, he travelled for work for a few weeks, and they didn't talk while he was gone and he also felt uneasy about the values issues I mentioned before. She ended up sending him an email to let him know that she hadn't been in contact because she wanted to spend time focused on herself and then they both wished each other well and that was it.

Sorry, spelling issues. they fell out of contact.

I think your ‘friend’ could well have exaggerated some of the details. You have no idea of how old the baby is (could be much older or much younger!), who the baby ‘looks like’ is a bit of a red herring IMO. Unless your DF is black and the woman’s husband is white (or vice versa) then there’s no real ‘tell tale’ sign. My DC look like neither me or my DH! You have no idea of Lucy’s set up with her husband... people have weird and wonderful setups with open marriages being the least of it.

My point is; you could spend a lot of time, effort and money and I can’t see a happy and healthy resolution for anyone. The child (if they even exist!) is living in another county for a start! Close yourself off from this ‘friend’ and carry on with your lives. Not worth it.

I am slightly surprised at the amount of information that your friend has. They seem to know a lot. Has Lucy confided in them and then the friend has struggled to know what to do? I can see why it might have taken them several months to share with you, particularly if they are a good friend.

As to what you do next? I think take your time. Best to take it slowly as once the conversation has begun with Lucy, her DH and the child, there is no going back. The idea that your DF explore this with a counselor is a very good one.

Let sleeping dogs lie.
You cannot find out the truth without throwing bombs into the situation.
The baby is well loved. Move on with your lives. The chances of your dp being the father seem small at best.
I would question the motives of the teller tbh.
Could it all come out in the future? Yes, possibly but baring serious illness unlikely

I agree with your DF's parents. He should contact Lucy and ask her, then see what she says. If she says it's not his then he should accept that and leave well alone. If she wants to take a test and/or tell her husband then that's her decision, and your DF won't have ruined her marriage or anything like it. If she says it's definitely not his and that later turns out to be a lie, and least he'll know that he did what he could at the time and it was Lucy's fault he didn't know earlier.

I would stay out of it. What will you achieve except disrupt other people's lives. Slightly different but we had a similar situation in our family. DH has an older son by a previous relationship. We have always wondered whether DH is actually the father and have considered whether a DNA test would be a good idea. But have concluded that revealing child's heritage only causes upheaval and upset. Everyone is happy with present situation so why 'rock the Apple cart'. I'm sure there are 1000s of babies who aren't living with their biological fathers. The important thing is that they have loving families.

she hadn't spoken to Lucy in a few months and then was surprised to find out that she had a baby. I am not sure if I believe.

And yet she knows the baby's age and when it was conceived? The baby could have been prem or very overdue.

Your friend has added details. She isn't much of a friend at all.

The reason I asked who ended it is because I wondered if it was a factor in either of them watching to start up contact again - ie, your DF dumping Lucy so she's putting out feelers via your mutual friends as other PP have suggested, or your DF's keenness to contact her about the DNA because she dumped him and he feels there is unfinished business with them – but clearly it's not if it fizzled out.

I'm surprised you haven't done a check stalk of Lucy's social media accounts to see if there are pictures of the baby. Your friend might have the dates/age wrong for all you know and a quick gander might put this whole mess to bed.

Why are people so obsessed with biology? There are thousands of children being raised in loving happy homes by adoring parents who are not biologically related, through adoption, fostering, donor eggs or sperm, or adultery. The mere fact that you are raised by someone who hasn't contributed to your DNA profile is not necessarily emotionally scarring

Opinion is so divided on this thread, it's really split between 'please don't throw this bomb into the lives of unsuspecting innocent people' and 'the only right thing to do is to pursue the DNA confirmation of paternity'. I am firmly of the former view. How can pursuing this have any benefit for anyone? I actually think it's bordering on a bit selfish, it satisfies your DF's need to know first and foremost. There is little or no benefit to the others involved, particularly the baby who has a stable happy home and two loving parents. Leave them alone!

You say your fiancé slept with Lucy at the time of conception and she then went on holiday, presumably to see her husband. How do you know that was conception? Are you basing it on the baby’s birthday? If so, implantation and the dating scan don’t always match up with ovulation. Also a term baby is born between 37 and 42 weeks, which leaves a huge amount of time that I don’t see you can account for.

Personally I wouldn’t ask for a DNA test. The baby currently has two parents, and is being brought up in a home with them both. Why do you want to potentially wreck that? You need to prioritise the baby and their needs. Your fiancé is not on the birth certificate and all you have heard is second hand talk. Lucy’s “holiday” could have been to an IVF clinic for all you know.

“Why are people so obsessed with biology? There are thousands of children being raised in loving happy homes by adoring parents who are not biologically related, through adoption, fostering, donor eggs or sperm, or adultery. The mere fact that you are raised by someone who hasn't contributed to your DNA profile is not necessarily emotionally scarring”

Of course not. It’s the secrets and lies that are a problem. Parents who adopt, foster or use donor eggs/sperm are fully aware of the choice they are making. But it’s not fair to lie to a man or let him believe that he is the biological father when he is not. Tell him the truth and let him decide whether or not to parent the child.

(I’m talking in general btw, not about this specific situation)

Do people really not see that a child has a right to know who is their biological father?
Good grief.
None of this is about playing happy families, paying child support, or disrupting a marriage. It's about the child.

@drspouse amen to that! there have been some right ridiculous comments here!

It is in the best interests of the DC to know who their biological father is.

Your DP needs legal advice about paternity testing.

A similar situation happened with my exH (nothing to do with our relationship though).

About 12 years after he had a shortish relationship with a woman she finds him on Facebook and said that her 12 year old son was his and she just wanted the truth to be told now. They arranged a DNA which proved exH was the father, he wanted to have contact but she refused. It turned out she was only telling exH because her relationship had ended with the boys fake father and she wanted CSA money!

ExH was, and still is gutted that he knew too late. He had a few phone conversations with the boy and a Skype but as soon as she received CSA she blocked him and went off social media.

I think you should keep out of it.

The baby currently has two loving parents. Unless there is a serious medical issue that makes it of dire importance for Lucy to be sure of paternity, leave it alone

Lucy says the baby is her husbands. He thinks it is his. They are happy together with their baby.

All you have is a shit stirring third party. Maybe she fucking hates Lucy and sees a way to stir it all up for her. And she has done a good job. My guess is that if you approach her, she will refuse a test. So are you really going to insist and get a court order to force one on her? She is saying the baby is not your fiancés. So take her at her word and keep out of it.

Why do you want to throw lives into disarray? Do you really think it will benefit the baby? Because it really won't. She says it isn't his baby. Why won't you let it go?