Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is anyone awake? Too upset by drunken DH to sleep

184 replies

namechangearooni2 · 27/08/2018 02:49

My usually lovely DH has really messed up tonight and I don't know whether to be furious or concerned or whether I'm just overreacting as I'm 31 weeks pregnant so add hormones into the mix as well.

We've just come back from a really nice weekend away as a family. DH's friend was having a BBQ but me and DD (4) were shattered after the journey back so told him to go without us and have a nice time. He left about 4 ish.

I was woken at midnight by the sound of him coming back in. I didn't think much of it but then when I woke up again half an hour later and he still hadn't come to bed I thought that was odd so went downstairs.
The front door was open (not just unlocked, it was actually ajar) and I could hear snoring. DH was passed out flat on his back on top of the kitchen counter, lying across the integrated hob. Thankfully, the hob wasn't on, but it's very sensitive (operated by a touch screen type thing, you don't have to turn any knobs or anything) and I have accidentally turned it on just by placing something on top of it before so he could easily have turned it on by lying on it.

I shook him awake and when he got down off the counter it became apparent he was so drunk he couldn't even stand up. He stumbled backwards halfway across the kitchen and hit his head on a cupboard. I told him to go to bed but he refused, insisting he was fine, while still stumbling all over the place, banging into things. I told him I wanted to go to bed and I didn't think it was safe to leave him in the kitchen so he needed to just go and sleep it off. He then told me I was "pathetic", that I'm "nothing", I'm "not even a proper human being". I'm not used to him speaking to me like that and I was obviously upset but I realised there was no point in addressing it while he was drunk so I persuaded him to go upstairs while I locked up.

When I went up to our room he was sprawled on the bed, half asleep, muttering about how "life is bullshit" and "what's the point of living?" I cannot stress enough how completely out of character this is! Anyone who knows my DH would tell you he is a very laid-back, positive, 'glass half full' type of person so it was a bit of a shock to hear him talk like that although I'm sure it was just drunken nonsense.

He then promptly passed out and started snoring so loudly it briefly woke up DD(4) who is a notoriously heavy sleeper.
I've managed to get DD back to sleep but he's still snoring away like a bloody freight train and stinking like a brewery. I don't want to be in the same bed as him right now so I'm downstairs on the sofa. I'm far too wound up to sleep now though and I also feel like I have to go and check on him regularly in case he rolls onto his back and chokes on his own vomit or something.

Just to be clear, he's not an alcoholic. He doesn't go out drinking very often at all and he very rarely has a beer in the week. But when he does go on a rare night out with his friends he sometimes doesn't know when to stop, although not usually to this extent. I'm not sure I've ever seen him this bad but if I have it would have been years ago. When we first met (in our very early twenties) he was a bit of a party animal but now he's a 35 year old Husband and Father with a very responsible job for fuck sake. Am I right in thinking I should not be having to put up with this crap at this point in my life or am I overreacting?

Cake and Flowers for anyone who actually managed to get to the end of all that!

OP posts:
Butterfly44 · 28/08/2018 05:55

Drink affects so many on different ways. You've ever right to be upset. I bet he won't remember any of it when you tell him. I would wait till he is sober and then tell him what happened and hopefully he'll be so shocked he'll realise on his own he shouldn't have got in that state. 💐

Itchytights · 28/08/2018 06:08

I Hope you have let it go now.
I agree what he said wasn’t pleasant but have heard far worse from people and that’s when they aren’t drunk.
A horrible hangover will be punishment enough.

namechangearooni2 · 28/08/2018 09:12

UPDATE: DH didn't spend the day lying around feeling sorry or himself yesterday as I'd anticipated, instead he went into grovelling mode. Although he must have been feeling very ill he spent most of the day busying himself doing stuff around the house whilst constantly bringing me cups of tea. At one point I had to ask him to stop as he was bringing me tea when I hadn't actually finished the last cup yet but I guess he was just trying to make himself feel less guilty. He took DD out to a local fete for a couple of hours so I could have a nap and made dinner when he got back. Obviously, it doesn't change what happened but I appreciate him making an effort despite feeling so shit.

Once DD went to bed he brought it up. He kept apologising again and expressing embarassment and disbelief at the "ridiculous" things he said. I told him that I know he's genuinely sorry and I accept that he didn't mean any of the things he said.
But I explained that what I really need is for him to have a really good think about how he's going to make sure this doesn't happen again because I'm not prepared to expose myself or the kids to that situation again. As a start, he has agreed no more Jaegerbombs, ever! He also said he knows he needs to accept that he's not 18 anymore and needs to pace himself.

So while I wouldn't say things are 100% back to normal, I'm not going to hold a grudge or drag this out to prove a point. Actions speak louder than words, so as long as it doesn't happen again we'll be ok.

Thank you all for your help.

OP posts:
PhilomenaButterfly · 28/08/2018 09:18

That's great! 😆

Ignoramusgiganticus · 28/08/2018 09:34

I got drunker than I've been for many years at a house party a few weeks ago. I'm mortified as normally I'm relatively careful and I probably embarrassed myself in front of people that I'd rather not have embarrassed myself in front of. We can all slip up sometimes.

Hopefully he, and I will have learned our lesson.

sonicdoom · 28/08/2018 09:34

Aww that's fantastic OP. Sounds like he genuinely feels awful for messing things up. So glad he made an effort and didn't just brush this under the carpet so to speak.

Hope you both enjoyed the rest of your bank hol x

BusterGonad · 28/08/2018 09:51

Great update Op, I'm glad he's made the effort to prove how sorry he is. Jaegerbombs are truly the Devils work, the chemical reaction in the body is mighty powerful.

Mrstobe90 · 28/08/2018 10:15

I'm sorry you're going through this.
I'm in a similar situation.
I have the loveliest DH and this weekend was my birthday. He got more drunk than I've ever seen him and did some things that upset me.

I'm still a bit unsure of how I'm feeling but he's apologised profusely.

Allow yourself to be hurt but don't let it consume you. I hope he bloody grovels for your sake!
It sounds like he was just too messy to really know what he was talking about - maybe he was too drunk to realise that it was you that he was talking to.

I really hope things go back to normal xx

AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/08/2018 10:40

namechangearooni2

re your comment:-
"He doesn't go out drinking very often at all and he very rarely has a beer in the week. But when he does go on a rare night out with his friends he sometimes doesn't know when to stop, although not usually to this extent"

This part of your initial post makes me think this is also repeated behaviour from him, particularly the second sentence which is very telling.

WHY doesn't he know how to stop?. He has a problem with not being able to stop. Perhaps he should look at the reasons why he drinks (people drink for all sorts of reasons; to increase confidence levels for instance) and examine those far more closely. Why is he drinking like this, its not just social drinking here. Binge drinking like he has done here is harmful and not just to him because you all as a family become affected by his binge drinking.

This is your "normal" really and things will settle down, for now.
Sadly I think he will come in like this again at some point in future; it won't be anytime soon but it could and probably will happen again.

namechangearooni2 · 28/08/2018 11:37

Attila as I've said upthread, I don't believe I've ever seen my DH as drunk as he was the other night. It's certainly not "normal" for him, hence why I was shocked enough to post about it. Neither has he ever spoken to me the way he did or done anything as daft as leaving the front door open etc so none of that is "repeated behaviour".

When I said in the past he has had nights out where "he hasn't known when to stop" what I meant was that he's drunk too much (in my opinion) and consequently felt ill the next day. I think the last time was probably at a friend's stag do this time last year. Perhaps it was a poor choice of phrasing on my part as obviously he does stop, I'm talking about drinking to excess on a night out with his friends, maybe once or twice a year. On these occasions his friends have all done the same (all decent men with families and professional jobs and quite a few of them go out more regularly than him) so if this is indicative of a drinking problem then I guess all the men he knows have the same problem.

OP posts:
gimeallthecake · 28/08/2018 12:14

Oh god I'd say 'the fear' will teach him enough lessons! So glad I don't drink anymore Wink

AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/08/2018 12:28

He did this last year at a friend's stag do and now he comes in yesterday drunk. He has been known as a party animal, he is still wanting to be that deep down. It is indeed repeated behaviour on his part; his drinking binge yesterday led him to become insensible to the point where he was passed out on your kitchen counter across your hob. He was a danger to himself and to you at the time.

He needs to look properly at why he is drinking like he does; that is the key here. If he will not do that there is nothing you can yourself do to influence that process.

NotTakenUsername · 28/08/2018 13:59

Oh give over Attila! 😂

He made a mistake, apologised and op has forgiven him.

Now they’ve set some new boundaries and are moving forward. No need for the dramatics.

SquishySquirmy · 28/08/2018 15:13

Just read your update!

Sounds like a good result.
OP, as I said earlier on the thread I think you handled it very well, and the actions of your dp the next morning seem like the actions of someone who is genuinely mortified by what they did (as he should be). If its a one off like you say, then if I was you I'd accept his apologies and try to put the incident behind us (albeit I wouldn't expect him to be getting drunk again any time soon - but with his hangover its probably the last thing on his mind! Wink)

PippaPenny · 28/08/2018 19:59

He made a stupid mistake, this isn't a regular occurrence and you have both handled it brilliantly by talking about and agreeing future non negotiables.
Well done!

SunflowerJo08 · 28/08/2018 23:00

Glad to see the update and that he has put his hands up and identified that Jaegerbombs are not his friend! I guess we all have to find out what doesn't agree with us, usually the hard way. There are a few drinks and even individual wines on what we call DH's "wanker" list. As for me, Archers of all things makes me very argumentative! It's great that your DH has been so contrite and regretful; good positives to take.

TheHulksPurplePanties · 29/08/2018 04:25

Get off your high horse Attila, a drunken night once a year is not pattern behavior. Jesus Christ, only on MN, I swear.

rwalker · 29/08/2018 07:27

wow nice to see common sense result, he fucked up you talked he apologised and you've moved on

NadiaLeon · 29/08/2018 09:31

While he is not a 24/7 drinker, that behaviour is alcoholic.
Unless your definition of alcoholic means drinking round the clock, sleping rough and reeking of p1ss.

sonicdoom · 29/08/2018 11:14

In that case the majority of people must be alcoholic. I rarely ever touch a drop. But when I fancy a night out I do on occasion get wasted. It's a one off. I have low alcohol tolerance anyway on account of not drinking for 90 odd per cent of the year.

Binge drinking it may be. Doesn't mean it makes people alcoholics Confused

TheHulksPurplePanties · 29/08/2018 11:17

While he is not a 24/7 drinker, that behaviour is alcoholic.

No it fucking isn't. If anything he's the opposite of an alcoholic. He overdrank because he doesn't drink often enough to know that Jagerbombs are the devil or his own physical signs for enough is enough.

NadiaLeon · 29/08/2018 11:29

What is an 'alcoholic' then?

TheHulksPurplePanties · 29/08/2018 11:31

What is an 'alcoholic' then?

Generally, an alcoholic is someone who NEEDS a drink. Physically, mentally must have it.

Not someone who has a wild night every blue moon.

sonicdoom · 29/08/2018 11:33

Alcoholic implies some sort of physical addiction or dependency just to function.

Binge drinking once in blue moon because you have no tolerance to alcohol implies the opposite!

Bibidy · 29/08/2018 11:46

Wow, I'm stunned by some of the comments on here, why so dramatic?!

He's a grown adult who's got a bit too drunk when with his friends, and has subsequently been very apologetic about it.

Jeez, surely most people have been there?

Swipe left for the next trending thread