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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is anyone awake? Too upset by drunken DH to sleep

184 replies

namechangearooni2 · 27/08/2018 02:49

My usually lovely DH has really messed up tonight and I don't know whether to be furious or concerned or whether I'm just overreacting as I'm 31 weeks pregnant so add hormones into the mix as well.

We've just come back from a really nice weekend away as a family. DH's friend was having a BBQ but me and DD (4) were shattered after the journey back so told him to go without us and have a nice time. He left about 4 ish.

I was woken at midnight by the sound of him coming back in. I didn't think much of it but then when I woke up again half an hour later and he still hadn't come to bed I thought that was odd so went downstairs.
The front door was open (not just unlocked, it was actually ajar) and I could hear snoring. DH was passed out flat on his back on top of the kitchen counter, lying across the integrated hob. Thankfully, the hob wasn't on, but it's very sensitive (operated by a touch screen type thing, you don't have to turn any knobs or anything) and I have accidentally turned it on just by placing something on top of it before so he could easily have turned it on by lying on it.

I shook him awake and when he got down off the counter it became apparent he was so drunk he couldn't even stand up. He stumbled backwards halfway across the kitchen and hit his head on a cupboard. I told him to go to bed but he refused, insisting he was fine, while still stumbling all over the place, banging into things. I told him I wanted to go to bed and I didn't think it was safe to leave him in the kitchen so he needed to just go and sleep it off. He then told me I was "pathetic", that I'm "nothing", I'm "not even a proper human being". I'm not used to him speaking to me like that and I was obviously upset but I realised there was no point in addressing it while he was drunk so I persuaded him to go upstairs while I locked up.

When I went up to our room he was sprawled on the bed, half asleep, muttering about how "life is bullshit" and "what's the point of living?" I cannot stress enough how completely out of character this is! Anyone who knows my DH would tell you he is a very laid-back, positive, 'glass half full' type of person so it was a bit of a shock to hear him talk like that although I'm sure it was just drunken nonsense.

He then promptly passed out and started snoring so loudly it briefly woke up DD(4) who is a notoriously heavy sleeper.
I've managed to get DD back to sleep but he's still snoring away like a bloody freight train and stinking like a brewery. I don't want to be in the same bed as him right now so I'm downstairs on the sofa. I'm far too wound up to sleep now though and I also feel like I have to go and check on him regularly in case he rolls onto his back and chokes on his own vomit or something.

Just to be clear, he's not an alcoholic. He doesn't go out drinking very often at all and he very rarely has a beer in the week. But when he does go on a rare night out with his friends he sometimes doesn't know when to stop, although not usually to this extent. I'm not sure I've ever seen him this bad but if I have it would have been years ago. When we first met (in our very early twenties) he was a bit of a party animal but now he's a 35 year old Husband and Father with a very responsible job for fuck sake. Am I right in thinking I should not be having to put up with this crap at this point in my life or am I overreacting?

Cake and Flowers for anyone who actually managed to get to the end of all that!

OP posts:
HauntedPencils · 27/08/2018 03:53

He's a binge drinker!

PanicAtTheCostco · 27/08/2018 03:55

A drunk mouth speaks a sober mind :(

namechangearooni2 · 27/08/2018 03:58

A drunk mouth speaks a sober mind

Well, maybe although if that's genuinely what DH thinks of me he's done a very, very good job of hiding it for 15 years.

OP posts:
BusterGonad · 27/08/2018 04:09

I do not believe people speak the truth when drunk, maybe an exaggeration of the deepest fears etc but never the complete truth. If that was the case then why the expression 'Beer googles' etc.

MaverickSnoopy · 27/08/2018 04:14

I don't really have the answer to this but yanbu. He has been an idiot and has put not only his life at risk but his families.

My own DH can be like this. Kind, responsible and caring in character and then once in a blue moon (annual or bi annual) he drinks too much and the shit hits the fan. The last time he was so drunk he thought I would be cross and he got out of the car at traffic lights and my dad (who had picked him up) had to pull over and run after him as he was running through traffic. I only ever get cross or upset if he's put himself or us at risk. DH is always remorseful but it's incredibly wearing and stressful and every time he goes out I'm left wondering if that night will be the stupid night. How can such a kind man who is so thoughtful have such little judgement?

You're right not to reason with him tonight. When he's had a good sleep (don't give him too much of a lay in), he needs lots of coffee and lots of noise and jobs to do. The "talk" can wait until the evening when he's truly sobered up.

You however need as much rest as you can get. Set an alarm to check on him if it makes you feel better but please try and sleep. 34 weeks pregnant here and wide awake because I have heartburn and can't get comfortable. Tomorrow will be torture so trust me and try to rest. Drink caffeine if needed and don't overdo it to compensate. As I said it's DHs turn for chores tomorrow.

LotsToThinkOf · 27/08/2018 04:15

Why should the OP laugh this off? He didn't come home drunk and stumble about like a fool, he was nasty to her and his behaviour was dangerous! By all means, find the funny side if there is one but I wouldn't be forgiving this so easily.

Grim your response is pathetic. Drunk men being abhorrent to force a reaction is ok is it?

OP, wait until he's not feeling so delicate and address what he's done and said. He'll probably feel dreadful but he needs to know what happened. If he's decent, and this is out of character, then he'll want to know so he can make sure it doesn't happen again.

namechangearooni2 · 27/08/2018 04:25

Oh fucking hell, I think I can hear him being sick Confused

I put a bowl next to him before I came downstairs. Hoping he's used it or better still made it to the bathroom. I know I should probably go and find out but I actually can't face it.

OP posts:
boobymilkmachine · 27/08/2018 04:30

My DH did something similar to this a couple of years ago after a work Christmas do that I didn't go to because I was ill, and I think pregnant at the time too. I was in an absolute rage with him, when, after being awake worrying that he hadn't made it home by 2am, I realised that he was passed out on the sofa downstairs, I woke him up, shouted at him, slammed the door & locked him out of our bedroom - and then put him firmly in the doghouse for at least the next week. It has never been repeated, he ended up completely mortified with himself! Agree that once he's sobered up you should tell him exactly what he's done / said, and I imagine you'll get lots of grovelling apologies. Hope you're managing to get some sleep now OP xx

Limpshade · 27/08/2018 04:34

No, don't go and find out, just REST.

As you say, he's a grown man.

tildaMa · 27/08/2018 04:37

Don't go there. He's a big boy, will clean it all up in the morning. Along with all other chores you can come up with. I certainly wouldn't be giving any chance for a lie-in for someone who behaves like this.

namechangearooni2 · 27/08/2018 04:42

You're right. Am resisting the urge to go up there. We've just had the bloody bedroom decorated as well Hmm

OP posts:
TheHulksPurplePanties · 27/08/2018 04:44

A drunk mouth speaks a sober mind

Absolute horseshit. I can't stand this "people say what they are really thinking when they're drunk" nonsense. No. Most people talk absolute bollocks when they're drunk.

OP, you've got every right to give him a hard time tomorrow. He's behaved irresponsibly. However, as this isn't the norm for him I wouldn't hold a grudge or drag the cold shoulder out too long.

FWIW my DH did similar a couple of years ago when I was preggers with DD and he felt so horrible in the morning that he's never even remotely gotten that way since (5 years now). I think many people in their 30's sometimes need that eye opening evening to remind them that they aren't 20 anymore and hangovers can't be slept off in bed when you have kids/responsibilities.

tildaMa · 27/08/2018 04:46

Weeeell he will have the whole day to make it look shiny new again...

Monty27 · 27/08/2018 04:57

People talk bollox when they are boozed. They say things they don't mean. They don't know what they are doing. Hard fact.
Give him a talking to and hopefully no repeat. Yellow card if you like.
Everybody fucks up at least once. And once only imho.
Hopefully you get spoiled for at least the rest of the week and mutual respect is resumed.

NotTakenUsername · 27/08/2018 05:02

I’m not sure he was talking to you as such.

He was talking to the person who was making him get up from hispassed out drunken stupor. That just happened to be you.

Or perhaps vocalising his thoughts about himself in that state?

And frankly, when you are that drunk life is bullshit and you do feel like you are ‘dying’. It’s horrible.

However... once he realises how he behaved I would hope he would refrain from getting that drunk again so as to avoid being so unpleasant again. I would hope he will be mortified.

BitOfFun · 27/08/2018 05:03

I agree, Hulks. It sounds like he's had a fit of the dooms in his drunken state, and he's spouting a lot of negative crap because he kind of hates himself for losing control.

OP, you are MORE than entitled to be distressed and mightily pissed off. But (as I suspect you realise) this really doesn't mean that he's secretly been harbouring hostility towards you.

Where he's really fucked up is by continuing to drink once he's passed his tipping point. If he did this regularly, or even every so often, I'd say that it shows a lack of respect and a worrying level of irresponsibility. If you are certain in yourself that this is such a rare event that it means it was clearly a one-off lapse of judgement, I'd stick to giving it to him with both barrels when you're ready tomorrow. His response will tell you everything, but try to reserve your judgement until then, and don't assume that this is a case of in vino veritas -it really doesn't generally work like that.

TheHulksPurplePanties · 27/08/2018 05:07

OP, you are MORE than entitled to be distressed and mightily pissed off. But (as I suspect you realise) this really doesn't mean that he's secretly been harbouring hostility towards you.

I have a feeling that the OP will find herself moving quickly from mightily pissed off to trying not to laugh out loud once her DH wakes up and realizes what he's done to himself. I was crazy angry with my DH, but once I had to hear him gagging while trying to clean up his vomit it turned into fits of laughter and a lot of sarcasm.

ALickyBoomBoomDown · 27/08/2018 05:07

I would be fucking livid - also pregnant (33w) and if my OH did that I would lose my shit. He went out with friends a few weekends ago, lost his joint account card and was a general mess. Guarantee he will be grovelling when he sobers up and realises what a dick he's been. Also hope he's managed to be sick in the toilet Thanks

PhilomenaButterfly · 27/08/2018 05:12

You're lucky he doesn't do it all the time. Try and sleep, and hope your DD has a lie in this morning. Flowers

Mrsfrumble · 27/08/2018 05:15

OP, do you think something might have happened at the barbecue? As in, he heard some really bad news? Or got into an massive argument with a friend or something? Not that it would excuse the state he's in, but if he's usually a cheerful sort and not a maudlin drunk, it's weird that his behaviour is so very out of character.

I hope you can make it through the rest of the night without further incident and get to the bottom of things in the morning.

SleepWarrior · 27/08/2018 05:21

Oh gosh, sounds grim to deal with when heavily pregnant. I hope you get some sleep OP.

I'd be annoyed too, although sounds forgivable if it was a one off and he wasn't actually aggressive or anything when saying those unpleasant things to you. Make him sweat first though!

namechangearooni2 · 27/08/2018 05:37

OP, do you think something might have happened at the barbecue? As in, he heard some really bad news? Or got into an massive argument with a friend or something?

I don't know for sure as I wasn't there but I think it's unlikely. He doesn't really do arguments with friends to be honest, they're a pretty laid back bunch and have been friends for a long time. If he'd gotten bad news while there I'd hope he'd have come home and told me rather than drinking himself into a stupour. I suppose I'll find out tomorrow...or later today that is.

OP posts:
JeanPaulSarc · 27/08/2018 05:50

Lurking here for updates

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 27/08/2018 05:51

IGNORE EVERYTHING THAT COMES OUT OF THAT FOOLS MOUTH, because drunk men say the most abhorrent things just to force a reaction

Do you honestly believe this? When my DP occasionally came home very drunk years ago he would just tell me how much he loves me. I would never, ever say those awful things. That’s shocking and awful. If you think that’s normal you need to readjust your view of men. It is NOT normal.

rwalker · 27/08/2018 05:52

Sounds like a 1 off bbq as people have said worst placed for getting too pissed you can loose track of how much you are drinking. Think best thing is don't make a massive deal of it but clearly tell him what he said and how upset you are let him know then move on, not worth starting a war over. Rightly so anyone would be pissed off at been woken and disturbed sleep but what at the time seems like the end of the world now in a few days is just annoying .

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