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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is anyone awake? Too upset by drunken DH to sleep

184 replies

namechangearooni2 · 27/08/2018 02:49

My usually lovely DH has really messed up tonight and I don't know whether to be furious or concerned or whether I'm just overreacting as I'm 31 weeks pregnant so add hormones into the mix as well.

We've just come back from a really nice weekend away as a family. DH's friend was having a BBQ but me and DD (4) were shattered after the journey back so told him to go without us and have a nice time. He left about 4 ish.

I was woken at midnight by the sound of him coming back in. I didn't think much of it but then when I woke up again half an hour later and he still hadn't come to bed I thought that was odd so went downstairs.
The front door was open (not just unlocked, it was actually ajar) and I could hear snoring. DH was passed out flat on his back on top of the kitchen counter, lying across the integrated hob. Thankfully, the hob wasn't on, but it's very sensitive (operated by a touch screen type thing, you don't have to turn any knobs or anything) and I have accidentally turned it on just by placing something on top of it before so he could easily have turned it on by lying on it.

I shook him awake and when he got down off the counter it became apparent he was so drunk he couldn't even stand up. He stumbled backwards halfway across the kitchen and hit his head on a cupboard. I told him to go to bed but he refused, insisting he was fine, while still stumbling all over the place, banging into things. I told him I wanted to go to bed and I didn't think it was safe to leave him in the kitchen so he needed to just go and sleep it off. He then told me I was "pathetic", that I'm "nothing", I'm "not even a proper human being". I'm not used to him speaking to me like that and I was obviously upset but I realised there was no point in addressing it while he was drunk so I persuaded him to go upstairs while I locked up.

When I went up to our room he was sprawled on the bed, half asleep, muttering about how "life is bullshit" and "what's the point of living?" I cannot stress enough how completely out of character this is! Anyone who knows my DH would tell you he is a very laid-back, positive, 'glass half full' type of person so it was a bit of a shock to hear him talk like that although I'm sure it was just drunken nonsense.

He then promptly passed out and started snoring so loudly it briefly woke up DD(4) who is a notoriously heavy sleeper.
I've managed to get DD back to sleep but he's still snoring away like a bloody freight train and stinking like a brewery. I don't want to be in the same bed as him right now so I'm downstairs on the sofa. I'm far too wound up to sleep now though and I also feel like I have to go and check on him regularly in case he rolls onto his back and chokes on his own vomit or something.

Just to be clear, he's not an alcoholic. He doesn't go out drinking very often at all and he very rarely has a beer in the week. But when he does go on a rare night out with his friends he sometimes doesn't know when to stop, although not usually to this extent. I'm not sure I've ever seen him this bad but if I have it would have been years ago. When we first met (in our very early twenties) he was a bit of a party animal but now he's a 35 year old Husband and Father with a very responsible job for fuck sake. Am I right in thinking I should not be having to put up with this crap at this point in my life or am I overreacting?

Cake and Flowers for anyone who actually managed to get to the end of all that!

OP posts:
AntiHop · 27/08/2018 09:35

You're right to be angry. An adult with responsibilities should know their limits. He put you, dd and himself at risk with leaving the door open and lying on the hob.

I haven't been that drunk since I was 21. Nor has dp.

BusterGonad · 27/08/2018 09:35

YearOf that's what I'm saying, people mostly talk bollocks when drunk, the only other time they don't is if they are slightly depressed, and then the depression comes out 100X over. If I'm down then drink makes me a complete depressive! Otherwise I just talk shite.

BusterGonad · 27/08/2018 09:36

I meant to say ISNT the truth! Bloody hell. MAJOR typo!!!! ❤️

BusterGonad · 27/08/2018 09:37

Fuck it wasn't even meant to be a heart but a 🤣 Jesus. I'm all fingers and thumbs today!

namechangearooni2 · 27/08/2018 09:38

OP you should have filmed him while he was drunk

I wish I had. It didn't occur to me at the time as I was just so surprised (and pissed off) to find him in that state. I think he would be absolutely mortified if he could see himself like that.

OP posts:
Hopoindown31 · 27/08/2018 09:45

OP remember that this is MN and so yout DH is not allowed to make any mistakes ever. Getting drunk once clearly means he is an alcoholic abuser and all drunks tell the absolute truth all the time as alcohol is exaclty the same as sodium pentothal...

As far as I see it your DH went to a BH BBQ by himself (possibly a bit annoyed that you'd sent him by himself?), got shitfaced, came home passed out, chatted some shitty bollocks to the person trying to rouse him from his stupor and snored the house down.

As you say this is quite out of character so he has clearly decided to let his hair down on his own before baby arrives (maybe the other chaps helped him 'wet the baby's head'). Yes it is irresponsible, yes he chatted bollocks, yes be deserves no sympathy and a few stern words but honestly some people on here are ready to post you the divorce papers! Can you honestly say you have always behaved absolutely perfectly all the time?

phoebemac · 27/08/2018 09:57

Sorry you've had to put up with this OP. It's no fun. How often does he get in this state when he goes out with mates?

MatildaTheCat · 27/08/2018 09:59

Bank the points you have won against him and go for a nice treat. Hell, go for a Mumsnet soleve all issues Spa Day!

He’s been an idiot. A complete idiot but sadly we all do stupid things occasionally.

One time my Dh went on a big night out and got pretty smashed. The following morning I told him brightly that I had some lovely news and I’d found a puppy while he was out. It was actually a coincidence but I haven’t mentioned that to him.

Juells · 27/08/2018 10:00

How did he get home from the BBQ? Was it walking distance?

SquishySquirmy · 27/08/2018 10:02

op I have read the whole thread and I think that so far you're handling this very well.

You have every right to be upset, but if this is completely out of character for him then I think its forgivable.

You will of course get some people telling you that you're overreacting, and others that you are undereacting!

I think you are right to wait to speak to him about it until you can do so properly - eg he'll still be in such a bad state at the moment that he wont be able to take in what you're saying and you don't want to do so in front of dd. Letting him know that he upset and scared you last night, and that you want to talk properly later should be enough.

How he reacts when you DO talk to him matters, I think. Mortified, horrified and apologetic is the correct response

I also think that the whole "in Vino Veritas" thing is not always true. I have occasionally said some very odd things when drunk. Alcohol is a depressant as well, so it shouldn't be too surprising that very drunk people can be a bit maudlin (especially after the party itself is over iyswim - your dh may have been very jolly at the BBQ and on the way home, and then become more miserable when he woke up on the kitchen counter.)

If you had posted that he always acts like a twat then drunk, it would be different (people who know they become twats when drunk shouldn't drink). Or if he got drunk a lot, or treated you poorly normally, then I would be re-considering the relationship if I was in your shoes.

But as a one off when he's normally a good husband and father? You have every right to be pissed off, but it is not a huge deal imo.

diddl · 27/08/2018 10:07

I'd be upset by what he said, although it sounds as if he'll just say that he doesn't remember it/wouldn't have meant it.

I'd be furious about the unlocked door/hob-would have been tempted to leave him on the floor or sofa though.

He doesn't deserve to be in a lovely, comfy bed!

AmericanEskimoDoge · 27/08/2018 10:07

He needs to know all the grisly details of his drunken behavior-- and above all how he's made you feel (worried, hurt, etc.). Personally, I'd make it clear that I couldn't put up with that, in future, and that he'd better be a little more careful to not let himself get into such a state again.

Seriously, if you're not an alcoholic, it shouldn't be that hard to control your intake. There's no compelling excuse for being falling-down drunk, under the circumstances you've described.

He's made an irresponsible mistake. I'd be willing to forgive and forget, but only if he seems penitent and doesn't make a habit of it.

namechangearooni2 · 27/08/2018 10:09

Of course I can't say I've always behaved perfectly. But I can honestly say I've never spoken to him the way he spoke to me last night and I haven't been that drunk (I mean drunk to the extent that I wasn't capable of standing up on my own, undressing myself etc) since I was a teenager so he's never had to deal with that. I have no problem with him "letting his hair down" but why does this have to involve him speaking to me like that?

Also, to clarify, he wasn't even remotely annoyed about going to the BBQ on his own, he's not really like that.

OP posts:
daffodillament · 27/08/2018 10:10

I agree with squishy
Hope you've had a very humble apology.

Holidayshopping · 27/08/2018 10:11

Oh dear-I hope the talk goes well!

AnoukSpirit · 27/08/2018 10:13

I have no problem with him "letting his hair down" but why does this have to involve him speaking to me like that?

It doesn't.

SouthernComforts · 27/08/2018 10:15

Was it a long drive back from your weekend away? I'm not offering an excuse here, but long drives leave me knackered.. that plus a bbq + a shit load of alcohol could explain the level of pissed he got.

Hope you get some rest today and an explanation and apology!!

Lalliella · 27/08/2018 10:24

Not RTFT so someone may have already said this, but do you think he’s taken something? This seems more like drugs than drink to me.

GreyGardens88 · 27/08/2018 10:27

YANBU but most 35 year olds still go out and get legless with their friends every now and again. If he hardly goes out anymore I don't see what the problem is if it's only occasionally

SheWoreBlueVelvet · 27/08/2018 10:28

It's a one off. I'd give him a break ( and water paracetamol, banana and a fizzy Vit C drink or Coke). Be nice, he may not deserve it but he will appreciate it.

I would actually be a bit worried about what he said. I think alcohol does release the filters. Perhaps use this mornings kind wife impression to ask if their is anything stressing him out in particular.

namechangearooni2 · 27/08/2018 10:35

I don't see what the problem is if it's only occasionally

The problem is that he said some very hurtful things to me and left the front door open putting us all at risk.

OP posts:
TammySwansonTwo · 27/08/2018 10:36

DH went through a phase of this - he’d go out and get absolutely shitfaced (not frequently, maybe once a month or so) and come home unable to walk and being incredibly mean and hurtful. It was so completely unlike him. I grew up with alcoholics and told him in no uncertain terms that he would have to leave if he kept behaving that way.

Turns out he was really struggling with depression - he went and saw the doctor, started on medication, he quit drinking completely for about a year and now he’s happier he can quite comfortably drink just one or two. Times when he does drink heavily he’s not like that at all. It’s been almost five years since this period and it has never been repeated. He knows I wouldn’t stand for it.

I’m not excusing his behaviour at all - it’s not acceptable (especially when he’s a parent and his wife is heavily pregnant!) but I don’t agree that people only say what they really feel when they’re drunk. I’ve said really stupid things I didn’t mean at all when drunk.

I’d have a serious talk with him about how stupid and dangerous his behaviour was, and how hurtful he was to you. But I expect he will be absolutely mortified this morning. It would be a completely different matter if this were a regular occurrence, but I’d just make sure he knows you will not put up with this shit.

namechangearooni2 · 27/08/2018 10:37

do you think he’s taken something?

If he has then it would be completely out of character. He also works for a company who do random drug testing so I would hope he wouldn't be so stupid as to risk his livelihood.

OP posts:
diddl · 27/08/2018 10:40

I agree that it's not the drinking per se, but the fact that he's left the door not just unlocked, but open & fell asleep on the kitchen counter!

Badtasteflump · 27/08/2018 10:41

The only problem I would have (other than being grumpy about having lost sleep) would be the things he said - which I would find really unsettling and shocking. Make sure he realises how much he has hurt/worried you and that he's completely shaken your faith in what you (presumably) thought was a strong marriage Sad.

If he's the person you think he is, he'll move hell and high water to make it up to you and convince you it was nothing - I hope he does Flowers

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