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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is anyone awake? Too upset by drunken DH to sleep

184 replies

namechangearooni2 · 27/08/2018 02:49

My usually lovely DH has really messed up tonight and I don't know whether to be furious or concerned or whether I'm just overreacting as I'm 31 weeks pregnant so add hormones into the mix as well.

We've just come back from a really nice weekend away as a family. DH's friend was having a BBQ but me and DD (4) were shattered after the journey back so told him to go without us and have a nice time. He left about 4 ish.

I was woken at midnight by the sound of him coming back in. I didn't think much of it but then when I woke up again half an hour later and he still hadn't come to bed I thought that was odd so went downstairs.
The front door was open (not just unlocked, it was actually ajar) and I could hear snoring. DH was passed out flat on his back on top of the kitchen counter, lying across the integrated hob. Thankfully, the hob wasn't on, but it's very sensitive (operated by a touch screen type thing, you don't have to turn any knobs or anything) and I have accidentally turned it on just by placing something on top of it before so he could easily have turned it on by lying on it.

I shook him awake and when he got down off the counter it became apparent he was so drunk he couldn't even stand up. He stumbled backwards halfway across the kitchen and hit his head on a cupboard. I told him to go to bed but he refused, insisting he was fine, while still stumbling all over the place, banging into things. I told him I wanted to go to bed and I didn't think it was safe to leave him in the kitchen so he needed to just go and sleep it off. He then told me I was "pathetic", that I'm "nothing", I'm "not even a proper human being". I'm not used to him speaking to me like that and I was obviously upset but I realised there was no point in addressing it while he was drunk so I persuaded him to go upstairs while I locked up.

When I went up to our room he was sprawled on the bed, half asleep, muttering about how "life is bullshit" and "what's the point of living?" I cannot stress enough how completely out of character this is! Anyone who knows my DH would tell you he is a very laid-back, positive, 'glass half full' type of person so it was a bit of a shock to hear him talk like that although I'm sure it was just drunken nonsense.

He then promptly passed out and started snoring so loudly it briefly woke up DD(4) who is a notoriously heavy sleeper.
I've managed to get DD back to sleep but he's still snoring away like a bloody freight train and stinking like a brewery. I don't want to be in the same bed as him right now so I'm downstairs on the sofa. I'm far too wound up to sleep now though and I also feel like I have to go and check on him regularly in case he rolls onto his back and chokes on his own vomit or something.

Just to be clear, he's not an alcoholic. He doesn't go out drinking very often at all and he very rarely has a beer in the week. But when he does go on a rare night out with his friends he sometimes doesn't know when to stop, although not usually to this extent. I'm not sure I've ever seen him this bad but if I have it would have been years ago. When we first met (in our very early twenties) he was a bit of a party animal but now he's a 35 year old Husband and Father with a very responsible job for fuck sake. Am I right in thinking I should not be having to put up with this crap at this point in my life or am I overreacting?

Cake and Flowers for anyone who actually managed to get to the end of all that!

OP posts:
deepsea · 27/08/2018 06:00

He will hopefully be suitably mortified when he wakes up, and I hope he spends the next few weeks making it up to you

(make your list now)

It is not acceptable to get so shit faced you put your family at risk, it is never acceptable to wake up your children with drunken wailings. It is frightening when you are a child.

I did once get so drunk on a girls night about six months after my first baby was born, it kind of relieved some internal pressure I was feeling. It was accidental, I was having such a nice time and felt relaxed for the first time in ages that I drank far more than I should or would normally. Although not ideal, I really felt like I needed a release valve and maybe he is feeling some pressure of some kind with the new baby coming.
So if he isn't usually like this, I would imagine it is a one off and never to be repeated.

Be sure he is read the riot act, and makes some promises to you this will not happen again. We are all human muddling through, yes he screwed up definitely but how he puts it right is what really counts.

Cherrysherbet · 27/08/2018 06:09

I really feel for you op. It's what he said that must hurt the most. It's one thing coming home drunk, but no need for such nastiness. I hope you can talk it through with him today.

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/08/2018 06:20

My dh used to do this occasionally. Less these days having, I think, finally having realised his limit (hopefully). He always acts like a dick and not necessarily to me. His problem is he’s relatively sober then all of a sudden blind drunk and the tipping point is one drink.

When I was pregnant, one of his mates visited us and they were walking home - it was an hours walk or so and faster through the forest. He had a drunken argument with his friend so ran off and left him in the middle of said forest at about 3/4am. 3 hours after dh came home, his friend rolled up thank goodness (yes I was worried). They’re still friends btw. I mean, what a dick move.

Falling asleep on the counter top is a new one on me but I’m familiar with leaving the front door wide open - and we live in a house and have been burgled in the night.

BusterGonad · 27/08/2018 06:22

When I was completely drunk at college age, my friends dad drove us into town and said we all looked lovely, I said 'thanks, my mum always said never leave the house without 3 coats of mascara' horse shit, she's never said that in her life, utter drunk bollocks. Not the same I know Op but drunk talk is always the truth.

KnotsInMay · 27/08/2018 06:34

YANBU to be really pissed off with him for the disturbance, putting you at risk etc. And torpedo-ing your plans for today.

But heavy drinking beings it’s own consequences and he will suffer today.

And I agree, all the stupid, unevidenced ‘folklore’ about people speaking truth when drunk.... people talk bollocks when drunk. And get morose, hate themselves etc etc.

He was an idiot for getting so drunk. Make him explain how it happened.

YearOfYouRemember · 27/08/2018 06:44

Yet you say she's never said that about the mascara so how can it always be the truth, BusterGonad? It can't be and isn't.

MakeMineATwin2 · 27/08/2018 06:54

I hope you've managed to get some rest now op

bubbles108 · 27/08/2018 06:55

Sending you Thanks

NotTakenUsername · 27/08/2018 06:55

Pretty sure that was a typo on busters post

TheHulksPurplePanties · 27/08/2018 06:57

it is never acceptable to wake up your children with drunken wailings.

He didn't wake the child with drunken wailings, he woke the child with drunken snoring.

He then promptly passed out and started snoring so loudly it briefly woke up DD(4) who is a notoriously heavy sleeper.

My DH has woken the children with non-drunken snoring, they appear to be fine.

stepmummamumma · 27/08/2018 07:03

I'm with you...I would be absolutely livid!! What happens now depends on how he reacts when you tell him what he said and did last night. Good luck OP...do not let him off easy!!! And screw the hangover, he needs to get up and help out today.

Shoxfordian · 27/08/2018 07:06

He was really nasty to you and you need to address that with him because it's not ok.

Homebird8 · 27/08/2018 07:13

He was really nasty to you and you need to address that with him because it's not ok.

And it’s not something he can argue with. He was unkind, vociferously so, and upset you. Whether he was drunk or not is not the question. The question is how he will make amends for hurting you, or choose not to. The next step for him is to decide how to not do it again. This might include him cogitating on the effects of alcohol.

helpawomanout · 27/08/2018 07:35

Drunk mouths speak sober minds is crap. My first night out after years of pregnancies and not knowing my limits I got far too drunk, came home and told my then DP that I think our children are actually potatoes and that he doesn't seem quite real either Confused along with some other nonsense.

Alcohol is a mind altering substance, not the key to releasing inner demons.

Saying that, he still acted like a prick and once he's aware of what he said and did he will most likely apologise profusely. If he doesn't then I'd consider leaving for a few days.

Also, I hope you made him clean up he's own vomit. 12 hour old vomit is definitely enough to put anyone off of over drinking again Grin

namechangearooni2 · 27/08/2018 08:56

Morning all.

I went upstairs (to grab some clothes etc) and there was no sign of vomit so either he made it to the toilet or I just imagined it.

DH came downstairs at about 6.30am (he looked horrendous) and asked me "what are you doing on the sofa?" so obviously has no idea what he's said/done. I really didn't want to talk about it at that point as for one thing I expect he was still pissed but also I'd only had an hours sleep so probably wouldn't have handled the conversation well. I told him to go back upstairs and we'd talk later. Not long after I heard little footsteps on the landing and him talking to DD as she'd obviously gone and gotten into bed with him. She is particularly chatty and energetic when she first wakes up so I'm sure he enjoyed that. She's now downstairs with me and he hasn't materialised yet so I assume he's gone back to sleep or is just lying in his pit feeling sorry for himself Hmm

OP posts:
VanillaMapleSyrup · 27/08/2018 09:07

Make yourself a lovely breakfast for you & DD but say to DH. - "I thought your stomach wouldn't be able to cope with this after last night " if he looks hurt Grin

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 27/08/2018 09:10

Send her back upstairs to chat to him some more!

It’s what he said that I’d find hardest to deal with - you need to have that out with him otherwise you’re always going to be wondering if that’s what he really thinks...

namechangearooni2 · 27/08/2018 09:16

I know, theOnly, that's what's upsetting me. But I'm not going to discuss it in front of DD so it will have to wait unfortunately. I suspect at the moment he just thinks I'm a bit pissed off because he came in drunk and woke me up.

OP posts:
gingergenius · 27/08/2018 09:21

Hope the chat goes ok op.

Lobsterquadrille2 · 27/08/2018 09:21

Hi OP, sounds like a horrible experience for you and hopefully a one off. Just to reiterate PPs who say that drunk people spout utter rubbish. Someone else takes over their mind and speech in a Jekyl/Hyde way. I'm not suggesting in any way that your DH is an alcoholic, but I speak from 10 years of AA meetings where we've all heard from other people the garbage we've come out with and have felt incredibly guilty and almost disbelieving. My DD and I used to refer to the drunk me as "her", because that woman wasn't me. Luckily that woman is no more.

Maybe there's a reason he felt the need to absolve himself of adult responsibilities for a short time and it went further than he intended? It doesn't need to be any more sinister than that and after 15 years, doesn't sound as if this has been or will become habitual.

Cambionome · 27/08/2018 09:24

Why do women on here always excuse this type of horrible behaviour?

I got a bit drunk the other night (at a similar type of event), rambled on a bit, felt mildly nauseous in the night and was a bit embarrassed in the morning. At no time did I verbally abuse my loved ones or endanger them by leaving the front door ajar or endanger myself by lying across a sensitive hob.

Come on! Why are women - especially pregnant and with small children - putting up with this childish, irresponsible and shitty behaviour?

ohfourfoxache · 27/08/2018 09:28

Bloody hell Sad

Do you have anyone nearby who could take dd for a couple of hours?

ohfourfoxache · 27/08/2018 09:29

Should have said to let you get some sleep btw

namechangearooni2 · 27/08/2018 09:32

Come on! Why are women - especially pregnant and with small children - putting up with this childish, irresponsible and shitty behaviour?

Ok, well what do you suggest I do? I'm not condoning his behaviour or making excuses for him, he's been a complete and utter twat.

OP posts:
Emmasmum2013 · 27/08/2018 09:33

OP you should have filmed him while he was drunk!!

I have been in some ridiculous states in my youth and said some really stupid stuff when I was drunk, that I would never dream of saying sober, and I had no idea why I said them. Like once I decided that all of the Middle East needed bombing to hell (it wasn't long after 9/11) and I'm normally a very diplomatic person! I'd never hold that opinion in the morning!! If he's not normally like that at all, even after a drunk I'd put it down to excessive booze and being half asleep/dreaming when he's spoken to you.

Don't let him off the hook though.

Make sure he knows how much of a twat he's been, and that he needs to make it up to you.

I never drink to excess anymore. I know my limits. He needs to learn his and respect them.