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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is anyone awake? Too upset by drunken DH to sleep

184 replies

namechangearooni2 · 27/08/2018 02:49

My usually lovely DH has really messed up tonight and I don't know whether to be furious or concerned or whether I'm just overreacting as I'm 31 weeks pregnant so add hormones into the mix as well.

We've just come back from a really nice weekend away as a family. DH's friend was having a BBQ but me and DD (4) were shattered after the journey back so told him to go without us and have a nice time. He left about 4 ish.

I was woken at midnight by the sound of him coming back in. I didn't think much of it but then when I woke up again half an hour later and he still hadn't come to bed I thought that was odd so went downstairs.
The front door was open (not just unlocked, it was actually ajar) and I could hear snoring. DH was passed out flat on his back on top of the kitchen counter, lying across the integrated hob. Thankfully, the hob wasn't on, but it's very sensitive (operated by a touch screen type thing, you don't have to turn any knobs or anything) and I have accidentally turned it on just by placing something on top of it before so he could easily have turned it on by lying on it.

I shook him awake and when he got down off the counter it became apparent he was so drunk he couldn't even stand up. He stumbled backwards halfway across the kitchen and hit his head on a cupboard. I told him to go to bed but he refused, insisting he was fine, while still stumbling all over the place, banging into things. I told him I wanted to go to bed and I didn't think it was safe to leave him in the kitchen so he needed to just go and sleep it off. He then told me I was "pathetic", that I'm "nothing", I'm "not even a proper human being". I'm not used to him speaking to me like that and I was obviously upset but I realised there was no point in addressing it while he was drunk so I persuaded him to go upstairs while I locked up.

When I went up to our room he was sprawled on the bed, half asleep, muttering about how "life is bullshit" and "what's the point of living?" I cannot stress enough how completely out of character this is! Anyone who knows my DH would tell you he is a very laid-back, positive, 'glass half full' type of person so it was a bit of a shock to hear him talk like that although I'm sure it was just drunken nonsense.

He then promptly passed out and started snoring so loudly it briefly woke up DD(4) who is a notoriously heavy sleeper.
I've managed to get DD back to sleep but he's still snoring away like a bloody freight train and stinking like a brewery. I don't want to be in the same bed as him right now so I'm downstairs on the sofa. I'm far too wound up to sleep now though and I also feel like I have to go and check on him regularly in case he rolls onto his back and chokes on his own vomit or something.

Just to be clear, he's not an alcoholic. He doesn't go out drinking very often at all and he very rarely has a beer in the week. But when he does go on a rare night out with his friends he sometimes doesn't know when to stop, although not usually to this extent. I'm not sure I've ever seen him this bad but if I have it would have been years ago. When we first met (in our very early twenties) he was a bit of a party animal but now he's a 35 year old Husband and Father with a very responsible job for fuck sake. Am I right in thinking I should not be having to put up with this crap at this point in my life or am I overreacting?

Cake and Flowers for anyone who actually managed to get to the end of all that!

OP posts:
namechangearooni2 · 27/08/2018 10:41

How did he get home from the BBQ? Was it walking distance?

I have no idea how he got home. No, it's definitely not walking distance. He left his car here and got a lift with a friend so I assume the same friend dropped him home or he got a cab.

OP posts:
magoria · 27/08/2018 10:45

I must live in a different world to some of you. In my past I, BFs and friends have got falling down/throwing up drunk occasionally. I don't recall any of us being verbally abusive. We may have talked stupid shit but not targeted some one to be nasty too.

I wouldn't just write it off as pissed talk I think that is just an excuse.

Stressedoutmamma · 27/08/2018 10:51

I think you need a few hours to yourself for a meal or somthing and leave the dd with the hungover hubby. Make him suffer

PippaPenny · 27/08/2018 10:58

Not a hanging of fence really is it and I do really dislike drunken men!
You need to talk to him and make it clear that you didn't like his behaviour. He sounds a good guy on the whole.
. I would also be very clear about his responsibilities today and how he has messed up your BH family time. I would only worry if he isn't remorseful and if this behaviour is repeated

I don't drink much but the odd time I do, I have a delayed 'drunkness'! This only starts once I have finished drinking. It is too late to do anything by that point.. I can't take those last drinks back ( though do at that point wish I could) and just continue over the next hour to get more drunk. It has caught me unawares in the past ( and I am very grown up and sensible!!). Perhaps this has happened to him too?

namechangearooni2 · 27/08/2018 11:02

DH has now surfaced and is playing with DD...well, I say playing with..he's lying on the sofa looking like death half-heartedly passing her bits of Lego while she builds and rattles away to him.

When he came downstairs he said "I'm sorry if I woke you up last night", to which I asked how much he actually remembered and he said very little. I told him we would talk about it once DD has gone to bed. He looked surprised and said "that sounds ominous.. can't we just talk about it now?" and I told him it wasn't something I was prepared to discuss in front of DD. He looks worried now, which won't do him any harm I suppose.

What I have found out is that after the BBQ a few of them went to a bar in town and he vaguely remembers getting a cab home.

OP posts:
Merrz · 27/08/2018 11:10

Make sure you make him suffer for it OP and make it clear that you will not put up with being treated like that! I really doubt he meant the things he said to you and i bet he'll be mortified when you tell him but it's still not acceptable.
I've had a few nights like this, although my DH hasn't actually said anything hurtful to me but has come home in that sort of state and I hit the roof with him last time, didn't speak to him for about 3 days and told him it was time he grew the fuck up, he's almost 40 years old with a wife and baby on the way. He lost his phone and i found him lying on the porch floor with the door wide open, he could hardly stand or speak Angry It only happens when he goes out with a certain group of friends, which is like a once yearly type occasion so like you not often but he knows he can't handle his drink like he used to and it pisses me off that he still tries to be jack the lad and keep up with the big boys. I think he has realised after the last time that it's not on as he drove to a stag party the other week with these friends, I laid it on really thick how pathetic and dangerous it was to get in that state at his age and i think he's learned his lesson.

MyBrexitUnicornDied · 27/08/2018 11:20

to which I asked how much he actually remembered and he said very little

Sounds like he has no idea what an arse he was. Providing he gives you a massive apology I’d let it go.

Cambionome · 27/08/2018 11:24

Ok, what do you suggest I do?

I suggest that you tell him exactly what he said to you and how it made you feel. All this stuff about "He probably didn't mean it" is total rubbish. Yes, people talk nonsense when they are drunk, but they don't usually come out with really unkind and down right cruel comments to their loved ones unless they feel anger/resentment/dislike.

BlankTimes · 27/08/2018 11:29

Give your DD a recorder to repeatedly practise a tune on 'for Daddy' and you can help with the tempo on a toy drumkit, or a saucepan upside down and a wooden spoon. Grin

HamsterToast · 27/08/2018 11:39

YANBU for being annoyed, the behaviour was not acceptable. However if you don't think it is indicative of something more, then it was probably just an screw-up. The key will be how he acts when you discuss it with him- that is what would be most important to me (as long as it was a one-off).

However- you nip this in the bud, now. Make it clear to him that you are really pissed off, he put himself, you and your child at risk, and you will not, not, not put up with that again so he better watch himself. Say this even though you might feel more sympathetic and understanding than you sound. Even adults occasionally need strong boundary-setting. I would then forgive him, give him a bit of hangover sympathy and try and chat kindly about why it happened.

I'm sure it will be ok and you will end up closer as a result if you handle it right.

Saying this from experience btw.

Auntpetunia2015 · 27/08/2018 11:42

To be fair. I’d be more worried about leaving the front door open and the possibility of burning himself and the house by falling asleep on the hob. Those things could have caused serious problems for the whole family.

namechangearooni2 · 27/08/2018 11:46

Yes, people talk nonsense when they are drunk, but they don't usually come out with really unkind and down right cruel comments to their loved ones unless they feel anger/resentment/dislike

I'm not "making excuses for him", I just find it hard to believe that DH (who has always been absolutely useless at lying or hiding anything) has been secretly concealing this anger, resentment and dislike for me and given no sign or indication of it whatsoever until he happened to be pissed.

OP posts:
merville · 27/08/2018 11:50

Tbh what he said would really get to me.
I've dealt with v drunk men before but they've never said anything in that realm.

The posters who said men say/do things like that while drunk - so we have to take nasty demeaning verbal abuse while they're drink because that's what men are like?! While women aren't of course.
I think a certain type of person, male or female is a (verbally) abusive drunk

merville · 27/08/2018 11:52

Op I'm not trying to get at you or upset you, but those are very specific and quite extreme things to say to anyone let alone your life partner. What would you think if you'd heard him say that to someone else?

phoebemac · 27/08/2018 11:56

The posters who said men say/do things like that while drunk - so we have to take nasty demeaning verbal abuse while they're drink because that's what men are like?!

Yes, it amazes me that whenever this sort of thread comes up (and it does a lot) so many people pile in and minimise such vile behaviour.

namechangearooni2 · 27/08/2018 11:57

I don't know what to think merville, I know the things he said are extreme, that's why I'm so upset and I was up posting on MN in the middle of the night. So, I'm just supposed to accept that my DH of 15 years has apparently only been pretending to be a loving and attentive husband and actually is full of anger and resentment for me? That's a lot to take in, especially when I'm about to have another child with him in a few weeks.

OP posts:
phoebemac · 27/08/2018 11:58

I think HamsterToast's advice is spot-on. Draw a line in the sand.

MervynBunter · 27/08/2018 11:59

If he was as pissed as you say OP, I suspect that none of what he said was directed at you - he was talking to the world at large and you were the nearest representative of the human race and so got it with both barrels. It sounds to me as if one of the guys in the bar seriously fucked him off and you got what he was thinking of saying to him. In vino veritas only works up to a certain point, then the booze takes over and you spout any old crap.

Ava1988 · 27/08/2018 11:59

How do you think he will react when you tell him what he said?? Hope you're not too tired!

MervynBunter · 27/08/2018 12:01

Yes, I am talking from experience.

helpawomanout · 27/08/2018 12:06

As a woman I've been drunk and said done horrible things, beer does that to me so I avoid it at all costs. I can drink wine and be a happy soul but beer turns me into a right arse. Nothing to do with him being a man so it's fine.

OP I don't think it's excusable in the sense of letting him off the hook, but in life he seems to be pretty decent and this is a silly, drunken one off moment that he will most likely regret once you tell him. Maybe he was drinking something he can't handle?

Whatever the reason, I don't think it's worth ruining what was a seemingly happy marriage over such a stupid, rare mistake. Just make it very clear you will not tolerate it again, ever.

NotTakenUsername · 27/08/2018 12:09

You wrote this last night:

If he'd been out clubbing or something (not that either of us have done that for years!) I'd honestly be wondering if he'd been spiked but I can't let him off the hook that easy.

Is that something you would consider again now you have found out he went to a bar in town after the BBQ?

PurpleArmy · 27/08/2018 12:10

Feeling for you, have had a few drunken family members in my life.

Maybe in his head he was still rowing with the person he had a tiff with earlier and wasn't actually directing the comments at you?

merville · 27/08/2018 12:12

Op I fully get what you're saying and am sorry you're in this situation.

Maybe he compartmentalises things, maybe he keeps it all in well, maybe he's a good actor. Or maybe Mervynbunter is right about the verbal abuse, I just find it weird.

Even if it's true I find it unsettlingly misanthropic & nasty.

Not to be dramatic but I'd be keeping a close eye on him and making sure you truly know all sides of his character and behaviour going forward.

youokhon · 27/08/2018 12:12

I agree with mervyn, people talk utter bollocks when pissed. Not saying you shouldn't be annoyed but I very much doubt he meant anything he said