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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is anyone awake? Too upset by drunken DH to sleep

184 replies

namechangearooni2 · 27/08/2018 02:49

My usually lovely DH has really messed up tonight and I don't know whether to be furious or concerned or whether I'm just overreacting as I'm 31 weeks pregnant so add hormones into the mix as well.

We've just come back from a really nice weekend away as a family. DH's friend was having a BBQ but me and DD (4) were shattered after the journey back so told him to go without us and have a nice time. He left about 4 ish.

I was woken at midnight by the sound of him coming back in. I didn't think much of it but then when I woke up again half an hour later and he still hadn't come to bed I thought that was odd so went downstairs.
The front door was open (not just unlocked, it was actually ajar) and I could hear snoring. DH was passed out flat on his back on top of the kitchen counter, lying across the integrated hob. Thankfully, the hob wasn't on, but it's very sensitive (operated by a touch screen type thing, you don't have to turn any knobs or anything) and I have accidentally turned it on just by placing something on top of it before so he could easily have turned it on by lying on it.

I shook him awake and when he got down off the counter it became apparent he was so drunk he couldn't even stand up. He stumbled backwards halfway across the kitchen and hit his head on a cupboard. I told him to go to bed but he refused, insisting he was fine, while still stumbling all over the place, banging into things. I told him I wanted to go to bed and I didn't think it was safe to leave him in the kitchen so he needed to just go and sleep it off. He then told me I was "pathetic", that I'm "nothing", I'm "not even a proper human being". I'm not used to him speaking to me like that and I was obviously upset but I realised there was no point in addressing it while he was drunk so I persuaded him to go upstairs while I locked up.

When I went up to our room he was sprawled on the bed, half asleep, muttering about how "life is bullshit" and "what's the point of living?" I cannot stress enough how completely out of character this is! Anyone who knows my DH would tell you he is a very laid-back, positive, 'glass half full' type of person so it was a bit of a shock to hear him talk like that although I'm sure it was just drunken nonsense.

He then promptly passed out and started snoring so loudly it briefly woke up DD(4) who is a notoriously heavy sleeper.
I've managed to get DD back to sleep but he's still snoring away like a bloody freight train and stinking like a brewery. I don't want to be in the same bed as him right now so I'm downstairs on the sofa. I'm far too wound up to sleep now though and I also feel like I have to go and check on him regularly in case he rolls onto his back and chokes on his own vomit or something.

Just to be clear, he's not an alcoholic. He doesn't go out drinking very often at all and he very rarely has a beer in the week. But when he does go on a rare night out with his friends he sometimes doesn't know when to stop, although not usually to this extent. I'm not sure I've ever seen him this bad but if I have it would have been years ago. When we first met (in our very early twenties) he was a bit of a party animal but now he's a 35 year old Husband and Father with a very responsible job for fuck sake. Am I right in thinking I should not be having to put up with this crap at this point in my life or am I overreacting?

Cake and Flowers for anyone who actually managed to get to the end of all that!

OP posts:
merville · 27/08/2018 12:16

Helpawomanout - onto the in vino veritas debate. Personally if you did and said nasty things while drunk, I'd presume that was in you, somewhere. I find alcohol intensifies and dramatises traits. Im not a believer in drunken 'out of character' behaviour.

user1486956786 · 27/08/2018 12:17

I have only read your first post... but if this is a one off and completely out of character, I'd just let it go. His hang over today will be enough punishment Grin

My partner and I can both be arse holes when very very drunk like this, as it's not often we normally just tolerate it and help the other with hang over food the next day Grin

BusterGonad · 27/08/2018 12:21

Was he drinking Stella?

BusterGonad · 27/08/2018 12:23

Or Jagerbombs? Both do weird things to people imo

KissMeLikeYouMissMe · 27/08/2018 12:23

What he said was horrible but don't for one second think it was aimed at you or a representation of his true feelings.
When I was younger I did some really stupid things whilst drunk and said some really awful things too.....I didn't mean them but it took me a long time to make up for how much I hurt the person I said them to.

The fact that he is up and playing with your daughter and acting normally shows he doesn't feel that way, when you tell.him wjat he said I suspect he will be really upset with himself.

namechangearooni2 · 27/08/2018 12:24

Have spoken to DH. I told him everything he said (DD was our of earshot in the garden) and he just looked really confused initially. He kept saying things like "are you sure you heard me right?" and "well obviously I can't have been talking about you" etc. I told him i've spent pretty much all night lying awake thinking about what he said, wondering if he means those things and wondering what could have happened to us if I hadn't come downstairs and locked the front door, gotten him away from kitchen appliances etc. He looked upset but didn't really know what to say. As for the stuff about there being no point to life etc he just said he has never actually felt like that, has no memory of saying those things and can't explain why he said it other than "if I did say that I was obviously just talking rubbish". He has been very apologetic, as I knew he would be. He tried to give me a cuddle and I told him that I'm not trying to make him feel shit but I'm not quite there yet, that what he said and the fact that he put us all at risk has really unsettled me so it's going to take me a bit of time to get past it. He said he understood. He's been very quiet since but we haven't had a chance to talk more anyway with DD around.

OP posts:
WhatAPandemonium · 27/08/2018 12:24

I really don't think he hates or despises you!

He was pissed, alcohol is a depressant, it makes you do and say irrational things and no, I don't believe that just because someone says something it means that's how they are feeling in real life.

I'm sure he will feel really awful when you tell him.

Gersemi · 27/08/2018 12:25

Every person I know have had too much to drink at one point in their life, be it at age 18 or 45! It happens

Yes, but anyone with any sense learns from it. By the age of 23 I'd come to the conclusion that it just wasn't worth the hangover. Anyone with any sense decides those days are over once they have small children.

deepsea · 27/08/2018 12:30

I would leave it now, he has apologised and clearly does not remember anything. I wouldn't be in a rush to embrace him either, he needs to understand how upsetting this has been for you.

Perhaps tomorrow follow up with a conversation that it would be totally unacceptable to see it happen again and get on with life. I don't think he sounds like the sort of person that will make a habit of this, and we all make mistakes.

sprinklesandsauce · 27/08/2018 12:30

OP, hopefully you have got him worried now. Hopefully he will be totally mortified at this behaviour. I agree that he may not have been aiming the words at you. If he was that drunk, he wouldn't have known where he was or what he was doing, which was proven by the fact that he slumped on the cooker, didn't lock the door etc.

I agree that you need to discuss it fully. A good outcome would be him being totally and utter embarrassed and mortified and horrifed at his own behaviour.

He needs to see the danger that he placed his family in, risk of fire, theft etc, and how he has hurt you, but then yes, draw a line under it and move on.

namechangearooni2 · 27/08/2018 12:41

Buster I believe Jaegerbombs were involved, yes.

OP posts:
Ihatemycar · 27/08/2018 12:50

Grimbrad well said Smile

BusterGonad · 27/08/2018 12:52

There you go then, my husband had a terrible experience on them and thought he'd been spiked. Ended up in hospital!

BusterGonad · 27/08/2018 12:55

And I had them in a hen do and one new year, realized that on both these occasions I went mental and have never touched them since! Terrible terrible drink.

beeefcake · 27/08/2018 13:01

It's not worth leaving him over. Everyone has too much on the odd occasion. It's shitty what he did but it sounds like it's not indicative of a bigger problem.

I don't know what all of the scathing posters on this thread expect OP to do, leave a happy marriage because of a one off?

Rip him a new one and make him grovel. He should have learned his lesson.

didyouseetheflaresinthesky · 27/08/2018 13:03

I'd tell him very calmly that I loved him but that if he ever came home that drunk again, it would be over. And also how damn lucky he was that his daughter didn't wake up and see him like that because if she ever heard him speak to you that way, the next person he would be speaking to is a divorce solicitor.

I don't deal with drunk people. At all. If i thought it would ever happen again that would genuinely be enough for me to end the marriage.

timeisnotaline · 27/08/2018 13:07

The one time my dh has said anything dismissive of me was when drunk - I was upset (as he had been supposed to do stuff for us, we had just moved internationally) and he told me he had to go out instead as his job mattered because I was going to have babies so my job couldn’t matter as much. It was not secret things he’s always thought - it was his drunk automatically trying to pull a defensive response out so making up a bullshit response. He moved internationally following my job - he really really doesn’t think his career is more important. I couldn’t be with him if he did. I hope that helps!

DitchingTheDye · 27/08/2018 13:56

This reminds me of me when I drink. And it's the main reason I quit! It makes me very emotional and any minor insecurities are intensified 10 fold. How is he when he has a more normal bender? Does he want to argue?

namechangearooni2 · 27/08/2018 14:04

How is he when he has a more normal bender? Does he want to argue?

Not at all, usually just gets all soppy and tells me over and over how much he loves me then falls asleep. The one exception to this is when he's drunk vodka (consequently, he hasn't drunk it for a very long time, at least 10 years) which didn't make him nasty or abusive or anything just "a bit of a dick" in his words.

OP posts:
NotUmbongoUnchained · 27/08/2018 14:07

Oh god I went out on Saturday night and drank vodka, which is something I don’t usually drink. I fell out with EVERYONE. Sometimes too much of the wrong drink just turns you into a monster! I think I’d be willing to forgive him the once.

namechangearooni2 · 27/08/2018 14:17

Well, if it was due to having a specific drink (which is pure speculation at this point, haven't had chance to unpick it all) then he needs to give me his word that he won't be touching that particular drink again.

OP posts:
sonicdoom · 27/08/2018 19:40

Wow, just rtft. Hoping all is well now OP. From his response I don't think he meant what he said, although it's still not excusable.

I once said some awful things to someone once when I was drunk. The difference is I remember saying those things and I regretted it in the morning. If your husband was so drunk he doesn't remember he probably didn't mean what he said at all.

Hope you've managed to make up now Smile

JK1773 · 27/08/2018 19:51

OP don’t be too hard on him. This was me once on holiday with my best friend. I had far far too much to drink and don’t remember anything about that night. The things she told me I said to her were vile. They are not things I’ve ever thought ever!! I felt absolutely awful when she told me. She was very upset with me initially but I apologised profusely all day. I felt far far worse than she did I’m sure. It can happen. As I said the things I came out with had never been a rational thought in my head ever.

TomHardysNextWife · 27/08/2018 20:18

Perhaps now is a good time to agree a drinking ban until you've had the baby.

It's really not a good idea to drink that heavily with a pregnant partner at home - anything could have happened. The rest I could shake off, once I'd made him suffer a little bit Grin

TheHulksPurplePanties · 28/08/2018 05:28

Or Jagerbombs? Both do weird things to people imo

I did a bunch of Jagerbombs in college and ended up in a long angry rant about why the leak in my apartment ceiling was the fault of the government, and George W. Bush in particular.

So much for in vino veritas.