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Original poster

In laws turned up to lo nursery

306 replies

Beacal72 · 25/08/2018 23:26

First time poster hello 😁

A bit fed up with meddling in laws (mil and sil) they turned up at my lo nursery without telling us to tour it in the of chance they "might" send theirs next year. Despite it being out of their way by miles.

They told us after the fact and didn't seem bothered that the could disrupt our dd during her time there. As they left her there whilst taking her touring cousin home.

We don't leave her with anyone but nursery and we are super strict about her routines as she is bf and took a long time to be reallly happy at nursery. They said she seemed confused they were there. Which is understandable!

My sil was unapologetic and said we ruined her day by challenging not letting us know. They know our parenting style. They know we would have asked the staff to remove our dd before they entered the room to avoid her getting upset.

I'm really heartbroken as all i want to do is protect my daughter, especially when we are at work and she is at nursery. But they say we are in the wrong for being upset. I'm so cross and just hoping im not alone in my despair 😣

This is a just one of a long list of undermining behaviour by the in laws And resentment is building.

OP posts:
Spinnywinny · 25/08/2018 23:34

So they went to view a nursery for sils child? And your dd was there?

Not sure I understand the issue? Is there a massive backstory?

How old is your dd? Yes she might have been a bit confused, but don’t think she would have been bothered 10 mins later Confused

policeandthieves · 25/08/2018 23:37

Your response to this sounds totally over the top - your SIL and MIL visited the nursery your child was in as they would consider using it - is that it?

I am sure other people look round as well. Your daughter is still looked after by the nursery staff she knows.

Why are you heartbroken? and why do you need to protect your daughter when she is completely safe?

whatwouldkeithRichardsdo2 · 25/08/2018 23:37

'I'm really heartbroken as all i want to do is protect my daughter'* *

From what do you feel you would be protecting your daughter, in this instance?

I do think it's weird for your MIL and SIL to go for a tour when the nursery is out of the way. But, I'm also getting the feeling you don't like them.

FuckyDuzz · 25/08/2018 23:38
Confused
ThinkingCat · 25/08/2018 23:39

I'm not sure what you are asking. They sound strange, visiting the nursery if it isn't near where they live. However your response seems a bit over the top when you mention despair and being heart-broken.

DonkeyPlease · 25/08/2018 23:39

"Alone in your despair"? Jesus Christ. Am I right in saying you are reacting to your ILs being visible to your DD while she was in nursery? That's what you are "despairing" about?

Can I ask what you are worried will happen as a result of this visit?

What is the worst case scenario outcome of them visiting the nursery ..? Genuine question.

sexnotgender · 25/08/2018 23:40

Unless there’s a massive drip feed coming you’re being irrational.

Why would you be heartbroken that your daughter sees her granny and aunt for about 3 minutes while in nursery?

Original poster
Beacal72 · 25/08/2018 23:42

thanks for your response. Just the typical interfering overbearing things. Wanting to do things their way and have sleepovers and take her for bonding time away from us. Wanting us to give up breastfeeding to make her take bottles, so all the above would be possible for them. A bit ranty i know 😞

It was more that we saw them the day before but they didn't tell us. They didn't consider or give any thought to if she got upset. I dont think that's their decision to make for our child. I'm heartbroken at the thought of her being confused and upset. They made a parenting decision without having that right.

By all means tour the nursery, but we want to make sure she isnt disrupted by it 😔

OP posts:
PlatypusPie · 25/08/2018 23:44

Protect your daughter from an unplanned sighting of her grandmother and aunt in a familiar and comfortable setting ? . Not quite sure how that is going to to scar her - especially as she will have forgotten it two minutes later. Confusion may have been not immediately recognising them out of context but how is that so disturbing? There must be a massive back story (and taking time to settle originally doesn’t really explain it).

Scabetty · 25/08/2018 23:44

If your dd wasn’t upset by the ‘confusion’ of seeing mil and sil then perhaps you should relax,

Original poster
Beacal72 · 25/08/2018 23:46

Maybe my language is a tad dramatic but I'll admit to being upset about it.

OP posts:
TroubledLichen · 25/08/2018 23:47

Unless this is a massive drip feed then I don’t get it (and it sounds like it’s not from your update). You can’t keep touring the same nursery over and over so this was a one off. Whether it was genuinely about it being a possible option for SIL’s child, if it’s good enough for yours and they’d be with their cousin then it seems reasonable that might consider it even if it’s not their nearest option, or it was just to snoop it won’t happen again will it? So take a deep breath and reassess what makes your ‘heartbroken’ because this post is completely irrational and over the top.

User1011 · 25/08/2018 23:47

They are free to tour any nursary aren’t they?
We certainly wouldn’t ask permission if we wanted to look at a nursary that someone we know kids went there.

Golde · 25/08/2018 23:49

This reply has been deleted

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policeandthieves · 25/08/2018 23:49

Stop being heart broken and getting carried away with how this affected your child - it probably momentarily confused her and then she carried on.

They also didn't make any parenting decision for your child - sounds like SIL was trying to make her own parenting decision.

They may not have told you as they knew there would be an irrational response. There must be more to this.....

DonkeyPlease · 25/08/2018 23:50

"They made a parenting decision without having that right"

Come on op.

It's not a "parenting decision" to go to a place of commerce, such as a nursery, where your minor relative may be present.

Can they also not go to the library in case your DD sees them there without warning?
What about Tesco?
Is it ok for them to walk in the street without sending a daily route map to you?

You desperately need a grip. Your ILs must be dying of embarrassment that they even have to discuss this with you.

wishingtrees · 25/08/2018 23:50

I understand. They have no intention of sending SIL’s child there, they were using her as a decoy to get in and have a nose around. They didn’t tell you because they knew you would take your child out that day in case she got upset her relatives came and left her behind.

They are doing it to undermine you for reasons you will know. They feel you should leave the child with them maybe?

You need to stop giving them information. If you think they will try the trick again, tell nursery that they are to inform you. Your DH has to tell his mother and sister to knock it off. Get DH to tell them what you are going to tell nursery.

user1498854363 · 25/08/2018 23:52

Op, how old is yr lo?

You will have to face yr lo will face challenges, upset, distress, worry and you can’t always stop it.
Was lo affected at pick up? We’re u aware of anything being different? Did nursery staff observe difficulties etc?

It’s hard when others think they know best, as long as u and dp are in same page.

I do think u need to chill and just say no to ils when that’s yr choice ( sleepovers..) and understand you may over exaggerate feelings in this way.

If u need to, remind nursery of your parenting requirements eg who they tell/ask, who collects from nursery, what happens if so and so call, Etc.

Lookatyourwatchnow · 25/08/2018 23:53

Heartbroken? Come on, OP, you are being so precious and silly.

wishingtrees · 25/08/2018 23:53

I have a backstory but it’s not my thread!

It’s enough for me to know that the op is very uncomfortable with her ILs actions. Their going to the nursery without telling her alone is a red flag.

Original poster
Beacal72 · 25/08/2018 23:54

Thanks for your responses. Guess it's hard to comment without living through it all. But regardless food for thought.

OP posts:
wishingtrees · 25/08/2018 23:54

It’s not just to do with LO being confused. This is territory marking.

AjasLipstick · 25/08/2018 23:55

Oh my God.

OP...all the sad faces are irritating af. They visited your child's nursery! They didn't do anything wrong at all. Why the HELL would your child be confused???

feathermucker · 25/08/2018 23:55

Heartbroken?!

You either need to provide more details or wind your neck in. What s the back story that's made you this upset????

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 25/08/2018 23:57

I think you’re overly sensitised to the il.presumably there’s a backstory
But in all fairness adults doing a quick viewing won’t impact upon your dd
For your own wellbeing you must learn some resilience strategies to not be so distressed