In laws turned up to lo nursery

[Beacal72]

First time poster hello 😁

A bit fed up with meddling in laws (mil and sil) they turned up at my lo nursery without telling us to tour it in the of chance they "might" send theirs next year. Despite it being out of their way by miles.

They told us after the fact and didn't seem bothered that the could disrupt our dd during her time there. As they left her there whilst taking her touring cousin home.

We don't leave her with anyone but nursery and we are super strict about her routines as she is bf and took a long time to be reallly happy at nursery. They said she seemed confused they were there. Which is understandable!

My sil was unapologetic and said we ruined her day by challenging not letting us know. They know our parenting style. They know we would have asked the staff to remove our dd before they entered the room to avoid her getting upset.

I'm really heartbroken as all i want to do is protect my daughter, especially when we are at work and she is at nursery. But they say we are in the wrong for being upset. I'm so cross and just hoping im not alone in my despair 😣

This is a just one of a long list of undermining behaviour by the in laws And resentment is building.

I get it OP

I think I know what they’re up against.

It was in 1969, I had my first job and it was a damn good one. The lab I was to work in was two stories underground and because they were doing cutting edge research in the same area security was very tight.

My mother showed up for the initial tour right after I was offered the position - it was extremely awkward to say the least. My mother just showed up as I was entering the security and was given a visitors badge to wear as I was. I suppose they never had it happened before, didn’t know how to handle it and so she was given a tour along side me which was extremely embarrassing. I would have told her to leave but her timing made it impossible. I couldn’t risk an embarrassing scene.

Within a year after I started working there my older sister showed up for a tour. I couldn’t believe my eyes when I saw her walk through the lab all decked out in a 'clean room’ suit. I heard she was there for an interview (but I never had a tour until I was offered the job). The company was huge and had a policy of not putting relatives in the same department.

I didn’t have a clue that she was planning this interview or tour (whatever it was) and we lived in the same house!

To explain why this was so odd, the lab I was working in had a staff of about 10 - 15, the company had 90,000 employees world wide with a few thousand in the large complex above the lab. Why she was being considered for a position in the lab I worked in I never got an answer to. She must have lied to get in there. I do remember the lab manager being very startled when I told them our connection and my sister was taken out after a very brief walk-through. I do know she never intended to work there because she was leaving home to start a job in London the following week.

I believe my mother and sister were simply spying on me and didn’t care how it looked or how it effected me. They were driven by maybe jealously and goodness knows what else - I never could understand them. By the way, they also read my diary, personal letters. That was a long time ago, it still bothers me and it got much worse over the years.

Some people do very weird things and in my case it turned out to be harmful eventually.

Urgh! This triggers me. I have some family members that are that petty. OP, I know they can't get boundaries and opinions through their thick skulls.
I'm not even sure how you should handle them but a slight distance would be good and less info divulged to them.

"Powerless"? You still seem to be blowing this up out of all proportion. Again, they sound irritating and annoying but not sure where all the drama is from.

A one-year old was momentarily confused, are you really wanting to teach your daughter that this is close to being the end of the world? If not you are going to have to get those PFB feelings under control.

Charolais, they were potentially jeopardising your job and embarrassing you in front of your colleagues. Not the same as spying on a one-year-old. Yes, the visit was trumped up and borderline inappropriate with a made up excuse, but in this case they have done OP a favour, if she can be calm she can have a quiet word with the nursery staff about how ILs have boundary issues.

I totally agree with RainySeptember when she says "anxious children without resilience, they usually come hand-in-hand with overprotective parents who protect them from everything and make a big deal out of small issues".

Kids need to be taught to let it roll off their back "yes it was silly for nana to come to school, but it didn't make a difference to the fun you were having, right?" "Yes, it was funny that Aunty so-and-so came to your school, but oh well, no big deal!"

Kids start to learn anxiety in these situations and others, it is like kids that fall down who have parents who rush over and fuss a lot and they cry a bunch and need lots of reassurance, whereas if parents call over "are you ok? Can you brush it off?" then kids learn to be more resilient. One-year-olds have a strong grasp of language and understand more than we usually give them credit for based on their speech.

Sorry - I am also confused. I would travel extra miles for the right nursery for our little ones. I don't think your child would be traumatised and need protecting by seeing your inlaws briefly. I think you might be understandably a bit sensitive about settling your child into the nursery and wanting them to be happy. But you have to remember your child is sensitive to your emotions. It's not a coincidence that it's not unusual for parents first born to be highly strung and children further down the family are more and more laid back the more children parents have! I think its good you have asked for perspective - and it seems most people have suggested it's not worth getting fussed over. If you are getting yourself upset it's going to have a knock-on effect on your child, your family relationships etc. Try and let it go.

I do think the language you have used is way over the top to be honest. Your child will be upset at times especially at nursery where she will have to share and may get things taken off her, knocked by other children ECT. I think at most she was confused for a few minutes but honestly I think you are making way too big a deal about how upset she would of been. it's like what if she sees her key worker while out with you? it will probably seem a little strange to her. I do understand why you are annoyed if you really belief they did this just to upset you but in all honestly I went to all the school nursery in the area to look around as I just wanted to get a feel for them as my little one had never in child care before so I just wanted to see as many as possible. Could it be possible they did this ? I don't think you will be able to explain it to them. You sound like a sensitive person they sound like they are not sensitive and it's all about perception too them they have done nothing wrong and would have no problem anyone visiting the nursery their children go too so they don't know what the problem is. I don't think you can make someone understand if they just don't. All people are different and all have different view points I don't think you will get what you want from them in terms of them agreeing with you and u understanding. I would try to accept this is who they are they don't understand your parenting style and put your own boundaries in place but understand they will never be on the same page as you

Sorry I don't understand your issue at all

OP. Can you put them on the spot and ask them " were you impressed with the nursery? Will you send your baby there?"

I am not in you shoes but from what you have posted I think I would be limiting the time I spent with them. If you Dd is only 1, you should be enjoying your time with her and not having to worry about this stuff.

What’s the back story here?

Child is one year old. Isn't allowed to stay at granny's because is BF, but is in nursery. So either she had expressed milk or formula at nursery. The reason she can't sleep over isn't about being BF. It's about OP not wanting her to.
OP is very protective of child, and MIL feels this, for whatever reason. MIL and SIL sneakily concocted a reason to see child in nursery setting probably out of curiosity. Didn't tell OP as knew she would not be happy.
OP should be honest with MIL, telling her she just doesn't want her looking after child. Any attempt by MIL to be with child is interpreted as being overbearing or imposing by OP.
In the middle if this is a child who may never have a normal relationship with her granny because her mum doesn't like her. Very sad.
I loved spending time with my granny when I was little. She'd spoil me, stick up for me and loved me unconditionally. She was someone I could talk to as a teenager when I was pissed off with my mum. I now know my mum didn't really like her, but it wasn't about that, it was about my relationship with her!
I'm sad that your daughter may not have a good relationship with her granny because you don't like her. That's not fair on her.

I think that @NotTakenUsername has hit the nail right on the head!!

There is obviously a huge backstory here which has made you hyper-sensitive to everything your in-laws do that in any way touches on your DD Beacal - I don't know what it is, so I'm not going to say whether or not your reaction is justified.

However, it is certainly over-the-top for most people - and possibly that is what the two of them were trying to provoke. If they know they can upset you, perhaps this is what they are intentionally doing.

In that case, don't give them the satisfaction of letting them see their actions have hit home. Just say something like "If we'd known, we'd have let the staff know and they would have given you special treatment/ a cup of tea/whatever" (All nonsense, but it shows them that their mot letting you know was a bit odd).

DO NOT respond to their provocation - supposing it chokes you - if this is what they want, don't give it to them.

Charolais i see elements of my own issues with il here. Prior to having our dd there was a lack of respect of boundaries and privacy. Something that has happened here too.

We are not ott hyper sensitive parents that some posters have assumed as a narrative for us. We let her be free and expose her to different experiences and people etc.
This is a situation difficult to explain to people who may not have experienced irl.

Some of you have been kinder than others in your responses that are different from my own. Something that is appreciated, even if you disagree with me it doesn't hurt to be kind.

Don't speak to the nursery about, you will end up sounding just as uptight as you did in your OP, if their behaviour is intentional I'd ignore it. Will be less amusing for them if it's not getting a reaction

Without further information this seems totally unreasonable on your part, yes your child would have recognised them but within minutes, possibly seconds of them leaving they will have forgotten to be honest.

It sounds more like you not wanting your sister in laws child to attend the same nursery which may be completely valid but that's not what you have posted. Visiting a prospective nursery that a family member speaks highly of isn't meddling, it's taking a recommendation. You do need to sort out your family relationships but using your example above it is you that's over sensitive, hopefully as your child progresses to the toddler stage you will see your in laws as useful. You are not the first new mum to be very protective, it's not a criticism but a bit of advice to see people as help rather than hindrance

Soontobe60 - i appreciate you trying to summarise but you filled in gaps that werent there.

I actually get along with my mil in for the most part and actively encourage their interaction, which is why this is such a issue. She know dd love her and rightly so they are family.

I never made bf the issue, they assumed it was why she couldn't stay. I have also said she wouldn't be doing sleepovers until me and dh decided ( whenever that might have been)

I mostly get along with my mil, except for issues surrounding the way we raise our dd. No matter what we do, she knows better and trys to take over.

It seems like you may be projecting some of your owb toxic issues onto this. Im asking for help to avoid a breakdown in our relationship as well as with our dd. Our dd is at the heart of all this.

In the nicest possible way, yabvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvu. You are going to turn your daughter into a right ball of stress if you continue to control her environment in such a way. You need to chill.

I'd find it creepy. Like the mafia letting you know they can get to your family.

I'm glad there are plenty of posters who understand your upset. After reading the first few responses I wondered why no one else was seeing the overbearing boundary stomping. Maybe they haven't had experience of such people but they do exist.

I'm now patiently awaiting the posts telling me I'm over dramatic comparing a loving GM to the mafia .

Thank you DownTown! I feel a few are getting hung up on my emotional language ( rightly so, emotions are weird) and not the actual issue i have admittedly poorly explained.

I just dont want to go tit for tat and give a measured response. Im not trying to upset anyone just establish boundaries for our family.

You are massively overreacting.

But your DD will never ever remember this and probably didn’t react or remember 2 minutes later.

But she will be picking up on your emotions and anxieties so whatever the back story and however sly and underhand and passive aggressive they are, stop playing the game, stop reacting! You need to put on your big girl pants and start letting it wash over you with no reaction except for ‘what a silly grandma’ like PP suggested.

You are going to be the biggest influence on your DD not your in laws.

actually it was a bit weird, tbh, but you might be over-reacting.

How are you breastfeeding if you're at work, though? And what age WILL you let her go for sleepovers? It just seems to me you're being rather territorial OP. My baby dgs came to sleep at my house right from a few days old and didn't suffer any ill effects.

Nobody is obliged to hand over their kid for sleepover you know

OP you are getting an imo undeserved flaming on here.

I think it’s really weird of MIL and SIL to do what they did. They used SIL’s child as a decoy to get into your DD’s nursery for some strange purpose - to either spy on her or spy on the nursery. Do you think it was so they could slag the nursery off, criticise you for sending DD there, and / or say it would be better if DD was lookied after by them? It’s really odd to not tell you they were going.

Nursery’s normally have a policy of only letting in the approved contact adults, usually just the parents and perhaps an emergency contact. They have got round this by lying.

I can see why you feel the way you do OP, even if your language is possibly a bit over-emotive. Presumably they have a history of interfering though?

Im a little confused how people dont understand how you can bf and work. She is 1 so has drinks at nursery, but of an evening and my days off (im part time) she bfs. She refuses milk out of a bottle.

Bf is a bonding thing as well as a nourishment thing. Some my mil encouraged me to give up, as well as undermined when i ever mentioned struggling with. To satisfy her own wishes of being able to comfort and feed my dd. (No dummies as dd didnt like them)