Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

In laws turned up to lo nursery

306 replies

Beacal72 · 25/08/2018 23:26

First time poster hello 😁

A bit fed up with meddling in laws (mil and sil) they turned up at my lo nursery without telling us to tour it in the of chance they "might" send theirs next year. Despite it being out of their way by miles.

They told us after the fact and didn't seem bothered that the could disrupt our dd during her time there. As they left her there whilst taking her touring cousin home.

We don't leave her with anyone but nursery and we are super strict about her routines as she is bf and took a long time to be reallly happy at nursery. They said she seemed confused they were there. Which is understandable!

My sil was unapologetic and said we ruined her day by challenging not letting us know. They know our parenting style. They know we would have asked the staff to remove our dd before they entered the room to avoid her getting upset.

I'm really heartbroken as all i want to do is protect my daughter, especially when we are at work and she is at nursery. But they say we are in the wrong for being upset. I'm so cross and just hoping im not alone in my despair 😣

This is a just one of a long list of undermining behaviour by the in laws And resentment is building.

OP posts:
MrStarkIDontFeelSoGood · 26/08/2018 01:12

Initially I read this as a very OTT response but thinking about it further it seems like a very passive aggressive and sly way of finding out information they wouldn't ask for like exactly how much you pay for how many hours, who your child prefers in terms of children and staff.

It is sly but heartbroken without back story seems extreme.

I have a friend whose MIL would behave in a cunty way when 2 of her daughters had DC in the same nursery she would always go and collect favoured DDs DS when free and leave other DGC there upsetting them Hmm

That's the sort of scenario you'd wish to avoid I imagine

Original poster
Beacal72 · 26/08/2018 01:13

Lipstick i do appreciate your opinions on this. But you have reactly badly to being told to shut up whilst simultaneously behaving like i overreacted to something more sensitive, so i don't believe you can provide much help for me on this one.

I wish you all the best though, again thanks

OP posts:
iamthere123 · 26/08/2018 01:16

You should try having my granny. My mum went round for tea before the wedding and they were using her wedding present china set - they could not see a problem! She also took me on hols aged 18months when my bro was born to give me some fuss while mum got to know new baby and bought me back with pierced ears! Sometimes you have to let the little stuff slide and be thankful they aren’t whisking her off to have her ears pierced, or her hair cut!! Love my grandma but sometimes wonder how my mum has put up with her for 47 years of marriage to my dad!

wishingtrees · 26/08/2018 01:18

WaterOffaDucksCrack but those people were your friends, you were not the grandmother or aunt of the child who have already overstepped boundaries and who saw the mother the day before.

honeyrider · 26/08/2018 01:19

OP I think you're overreacting and if you continue with your over dramatic reactions your child will pick up on it and runs the risk of growing up with a Chicken Licken attitude to things.

While I can understand you being pissed off with them if there's a back story but your overreaction is ott.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 26/08/2018 01:19

I have not reacted badly,I reacted. There’s is a significant difference
Of course feel free to disagree but yes I think your reaction is v emotional
I am not the only or lone poster to think your over sensitised
But given there a backstory I expect you feel vindicated in your response
And as you say, you discussed it with your partner. So perhaps get a mutual plan

wishingtrees · 26/08/2018 01:24

iamthere123 It’s the giving the inch to those that take the mile that ends up with pierced ears! My ILs did just that with my niece. Then did it again with her younger sister because nothing was said to their faces.

OP needs to stop this now, the MIL and SIL are already ganging up.

Homescapes · 26/08/2018 01:30

I am not the only or lone poster to think your over sensitised

You’re the only one to keep on like a dog with a bone when the OP admitted she was emotional and more of the story came to light. You’re still at it now. You’re not helping.

Original poster
Beacal72 · 26/08/2018 01:35

I appreciate everyones opinions on this, it gives me something to address my response against. I appreciate all input, as long as it is isnt driven by the need to shut me down.

Im just here to express, vent and hopefully come out of it feeling heard. Something i dont feel with my ils.

OP posts:
OkPedro · 26/08/2018 01:35

lipstick I don't understand why you were told to shut up
People only hear what they want to hear eh?
Obviously there's a back story that other posters know about

Might be helpful if the op explained rather than coming across as OTT about her daughters family

Original poster
Beacal72 · 26/08/2018 01:40

Okpedro - i feel the initial post plus any additional in the thread is enough. If you can't see my issue from this i suspect back story covering similar issues wont help.

Several commenters have picked up on the under lying issues, i assure you they have no additional info. We all encounter different challenges in life.

OP posts:
OkPedro · 26/08/2018 01:51

Fair enough beacal there was one poster who seemed to know more about your situation..
I couldn't read anymore into what you said..
I don't think your ils were doing anything wrong

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 26/08/2018 01:57

The actual action is going to be how op and her dp take this forward
There will be other things, xmas is close. All events to be negotiated

ILoveHumanity · 26/08/2018 02:16

Op.. I have difficult in laws and I completely understand how feeling violated while they remain treading on socially correct wrongdoing - could drive you anxious..

Hugs Op. you aren’t alone .

If it bothers you a lot , move her to a new nursery and don’t inform them.

I know I’m dramatic but that’s how extreme I am in buying my peace of mind

ferrier · 26/08/2018 02:17

This was a “Fuck You” to the OP, can’t people see that?!

Astounding how many can't!
For starters I do think you should alert the nursery to this sneaky behaviour, just in case the ils try to book another visit on some pretext.
Have you asked the ils why they wanted to see a nursery that they had no intention of sending your niece to?

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 26/08/2018 02:22

Change nursery don’t tell the IL?How does that even work given the dp sees his family
Pragmatically how does one do that?change nursery and what?keep up pretence of child being elsewhere or simply don’t disclose change of location?

Original poster
Beacal72 · 26/08/2018 03:29

Thank you ilovehumanity and ferrier, i definitely will speak to the nursery to let them know.

I would be hesitant to move her as this would cause more disruption than their visit. I will admit to being tempted, as you say for peace of mind.
I thought i would be okay with her attending nursery as outsiders would be limited and we would be able to arrange visits on our own terms as a family. ( not that we apply restrictions) i never thought this type of thing would occur 🙈

OP posts:
NotAnotherUserName5 · 26/08/2018 03:56

Yes, it’s definitely weird to go visit the nursery like that. It’s even stranger they told you.
They could have kept quiet on the visit if they wanted,couldn’t they? Clearly a control thing.

Is there some power struggle going on with your mil?
I’m guessing as she appears to want more access on her terms, not yours.

PollyFlinderz · 26/08/2018 04:22

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

SnuggyBuggy · 26/08/2018 04:49

OP you have to remember that on here many people take for granted that all in laws are wonderful people who you should be grateful for. You know your ILs and should trust your instincts.

Anon90 · 26/08/2018 04:53

They sound overbearing and you sound like a melodramatic attention seeker. Your child is not going to be harmed by it. My children often see us walking past their school as its the quickest way to get home from the shop. None of them have suffered any kind of emotional trauma.

I understand its annoying for you but honestly, ive never heard anything as ridiculous and over the top as some of your statements about your DD.

shouldwestayorshouldwego · 26/08/2018 04:53

So is the report of her upset just based on the IL's side of the story? I would see whether the nursery has any view on her behaviour that day and my guess would be that she was unphased - it is the IL winding you up. I would ask nursery to make a note that if they visit again to try to ensure that she is 'having a nappy change'.

In terms of sleeping over there are different cultures and schools of thought, yours is obviously different to your ILs so I would discuss with your dh and decide roughly where your joint boundary is and make it clear that it is unrelated to bf. 'She will not be coming to stay at least until she is old enough to agree/ at school/ we need a night off/ she is sufficiently aware of your controlling ways to say no to your next hairbrained schemes we will discuss it again then.' Just rinse and repeat. Rinse and repeat.

Anon90 · 26/08/2018 04:58

And i agree with polly. Id be more concerned about protecting her from YOUR attitude than theirs.

All shes seen is a relative passing through a service that is open to the paying public.

Are all public places out of bounds lest your precious daughter lays eyes on an unexpected passer by?

Do you swoop in to shield her eyes from the sight of a passing aquaintance she isnt scheduled to meet?

Do you have an exclusion zone around the perimeter of her buggy?

Are all adult visitors banned from the buulding during DDs nursery times incase she thinks theyre there for her?

Your child will grow up with the same dysfunctional relationships as you if you carry on as she will learn by your ridiculous example.

Bumpitybumper · 26/08/2018 05:37

This just sounds a bizarre and quite toxic situation and dynamic.

You feel violated because they keep trying to overstep your boundaries with regard to your DC. I imagine (just guessing) they find you ridiculously over precious and controlling of the interaction they get with their DN/grandchild. Basically I think they don't respect your boundaries and relationships have soured to the extent that either they genuinely wanted to look around the nursery as a childcare option for your niece and felt they couldn't tell as you would have an OTT reaction OR they had some other motivation to view your DC in their childcare setting (curiosity or worse!?).

I think you need to get to the bottom of this and respond accordingly. I know you feel that logistically the nursery is too far away to represent a viable childcare option for them but they might think it could work for them or be using it to benchmark and compare other nurseries if they believe that this particular nursery is good. There could be lots of non sinister reasons why they did the tour and didn't tell you so you need to ask them directly about their motivation and how the nursery seems a difficult option distance wise. Really try and view their response impartially rather than assuming that they are terrible people that just have bad intentions. If you honestly still think that they are playing some weird power game then you might need to consider taking more drastic action to really nip this in the bud, however be open to the fact that you may be being so PFB that you are forcing people to act strangely in order to avoid the drama, anxiety and emotion that you emit when you are assume your boundaries are being challenged in regards to your DC.

RainySeptember · 26/08/2018 06:03

My view of the situation is coloured by your overreaction. It makes me think that you are overprotective and anxious around your dc. I teach and can assure you that when we see anxious children without resilience, they usually come hand-in-hand with overprotective parents who protect them from everything and make a big deal out of small issues. Your child is still young but will soon pick up on this.

If you are like this at all times, about everything - and your 'they know the way we parent' suggests this - then they may not have told you because they fully expected your meltdown.