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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

In laws turned up to lo nursery

306 replies

Beacal72 · 25/08/2018 23:26

First time poster hello 😁

A bit fed up with meddling in laws (mil and sil) they turned up at my lo nursery without telling us to tour it in the of chance they "might" send theirs next year. Despite it being out of their way by miles.

They told us after the fact and didn't seem bothered that the could disrupt our dd during her time there. As they left her there whilst taking her touring cousin home.

We don't leave her with anyone but nursery and we are super strict about her routines as she is bf and took a long time to be reallly happy at nursery. They said she seemed confused they were there. Which is understandable!

My sil was unapologetic and said we ruined her day by challenging not letting us know. They know our parenting style. They know we would have asked the staff to remove our dd before they entered the room to avoid her getting upset.

I'm really heartbroken as all i want to do is protect my daughter, especially when we are at work and she is at nursery. But they say we are in the wrong for being upset. I'm so cross and just hoping im not alone in my despair 😣

This is a just one of a long list of undermining behaviour by the in laws And resentment is building.

OP posts:
Original poster
Beacal72 · 25/08/2018 23:57

Thank you so much wishingtrees i really appreciated your words. I know i need thicker skin but its hard when it comes to your baby

OP posts:
policeandthieves · 25/08/2018 23:59

wishingtrees your post is equally bizarre - I appreciate you have a backstory but is it really likely they can be bothered to use a child as a decoy to go to a nursery to possibly glimpse another child.

What is the point of that ?

Fattymcfaterson · 25/08/2018 23:59

Pfb by any chance?

ladymariner · 26/08/2018 00:00

Quit with the 'dramatic language', you're making yourself sound really silly.

wishingtrees · 26/08/2018 00:01

Main thing OP is to stop giving them information from now. Be vague with your answers if they ask questions. They have lost the right to k ow.

Those who are saying “no big deal”, it is seriously weird to not mention to the mother that you are touring the nursery that her daughter is at the following day! They kept it a secret and that is underhand.

Original poster
Beacal72 · 26/08/2018 00:03

Police that is exactly what i tried to articulate, just poorly it seems. She won't end up going to the nursery as it is two bus rides from them.

OP posts:
LipstickHandbagCoffee · 26/08/2018 00:03

I think you’re somewhat embellishing kept it secret.its not reconnaissance it’s nursery visit
They in no way need to announce or seek permission
It’s not secretive to visit a nursery

Singlenotsingle · 26/08/2018 00:04

I can quite understand that you don't want DD going for sleepovers yet. (Although we don't know how old she is). How are you breastfeeding if you're at work, though? And what age WILL you let her go for sleepovers? It just seems to me you're being rather territorial OP. My baby dgs came to sleep at my house right from a few days old and didn't suffer any ill effects.

Witchend · 26/08/2018 00:04

How do most people choose a nursery? Word of mouth.

They know you're happy (I assume) with it, so it makes an obvious one to go and look at for them.

They obviously trust your judgement over such things.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 26/08/2018 00:07

How do most people choose a nursery?Viewings, get a feel for staff,vibe,facilities
Word of mouth isn’t enough, need to actually see the nursery

wishingtrees · 26/08/2018 00:08

policeandthieves Exactly. My ILs did it (without a decoy child as they were all older) because they were 1. Nosy; 2. Wanted to show me they could get to my child; 3. To cause trouble/embarrassment for us because they don’t agree with private nurseries.

Not my thread so won’t derail but some of us have our reasons.

wishingtrees · 26/08/2018 00:09

They didn’t tell the op they were going! That is weird!

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 26/08/2018 00:12

They aren’t compelled to tell op that they’re visiting nurseries with their grandchild
Op has already alluded to an already strained relationship,so no they won’t seek her permission

holidaycountdown54321 · 26/08/2018 00:13

Dear god you're heartbroken your daughter saw her granny for 30 seconds when you weren't there to errr comfort her Confused? I don't get this either?! I really dislike my mother in law and often comment on mil threads agreeing with unreasonable behaviour but this is just ridiculous! I'm not surprised they didn't mention it to you, I wouldn't either. I think maybe you need to chill out a little.

2morrowiscancelled · 26/08/2018 00:15

I understand what you're getting at OP. For whatever reason they wanted to see LO in the nursery environment. They didn't tell you as they knew you wouldn't like it. They came up with the 'story' of sending the other child so they would be let in as the nursery wouldn't have let them in otherwise. I work In a nursery, if someone rang and said "I want to see my grandchild in the nursery without her mother knowing as we know she wouldnt let us and we disagree with her parenting style", it would be a firm no, inform the parents and a note would go in the file.

I think they've been very sneaky. I would be upset too.

Original poster
Beacal72 · 26/08/2018 00:16

I appreciate that they want her to go to a good nursery, i do! Its the way it was managed, the practicality of them attending, the sneakiness.

They described her as confused, their language. She doesnt need to feel confused about why her nana and aunt leave and her cousin goes too. Arrangements could have been made, strangers visiting make no difference as she isnt attached to them.

OP posts:
NotTakenUsername · 26/08/2018 00:17

Op they have been extremely clever haven’t they?

They pulled something and you can’t quite quantify why it is a problem, although it is obviously a territory/boundary issue.

Therefore when you try to explain and quantify you come off looking dramatic and ridiculous as you desperately try to explain the problem. Every time you try to explain it makes you look worse.

But there is no problem, technically. They made arrangements to do a very normal thing. Even though you know it’s abnormal for them to view this particular nursery. You can’t quantify it to an outsider.

They are extremely clever.

You need to rise above this. Stop biting when they pull this sort of shit. And your daughter will be fine - they are usually tougher than we give them credit for!

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 26/08/2018 00:19

You’re so sensitised to you IL that this minor event feels major
The IL are part of your life,you must find a way for it to feel less catastrophic
You can’t maintain that level of stress and ill feeling it’ll adversely affect you.

Doubletrouble99 · 26/08/2018 00:19

I think you are over thinking this OP. I can see that you would think it a little odd that they didn't mention it the day before when you saw them and the fact that the nursery is so far away from Sil is odd too but why you would be so upset at the thought of your DD seeing her Aunt and Grandma completely baffles me. As another poster said, would you be upset if you bumped into them in Tescos?

Original poster
Beacal72 · 26/08/2018 00:20

A strained relationship because of things like this.

Thanks 2morrowiscancelled, this is exactly it.

OP posts:
lackingimagination · 26/08/2018 00:21

Bloody hell 😳

PrimalLass · 26/08/2018 00:22

My DS would have been upset by this. In his first week we spotted him out for a walk with the keyworkers, in a triple buggy. We actually hid in bushes so he wouldn't see us Blush

wishingtrees · 26/08/2018 00:22

Yes, people like the OP’s ILs are clever because they’ve had years of sneaky behaviour and they know exactly what comes off as plausible, what they can get away with. They have many posters here fooled!

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 26/08/2018 00:24

No one is fooled at all,realistically the op needs to be more resilient
There is a backstory,clearly. So op must be able to not respond to provocation

NotTakenUsername · 26/08/2018 00:25

I agree. I’m laughing at the op questioning how anyone would be bothered to do such a thing.