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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

had a affair, now i am pregnant

272 replies

donnadell · 05/06/2007 16:25

i had a stupid affair that lasted 4 months and ended about 6 weeks ago, its the worst thing i have ever done and could sit here all day saying how sorry i am for what happened.

dh found out about it and after a lot of heartache we decided to give things another go, things have only really been "normal" between us for the last few days and i thought we had turned a corner.

now i find out that i am pregnant, there is a chance it could be either dh or om's. i was on the pill but also took a course of anti biotics which i was unaware could make the pill stop working.

now i dont know what to do, i cant face the idea of a abortion, even if i was 100% sure it was om's i dont think i could do it and the idea of killing a baby that is my dh's would destroy me. i have made the biggest mistake of my whole life and just when i though i would live through it this has happened.

can anyone please give me some advice, please dont post just to rip me apart because i have already been through so much of that in rl. nothing anyone says could make me feel any worse but i need some help in what feels like a impossible situation.

OP posts:
ernest · 08/06/2007 10:15

Donna, I found out nearly 3 mobths ago about my dh's affair. I'm just coming to the point where I'm ready to try and put it out of my mind, obv. I will never forget, I already forgave a long time ago, but there is so much hurt, anger, fear, shock at the betrayal, lies, etc. I'd say the 1st 2 weeks were the worst, then gradually thisngs calmed down, steadily, with the odd hiccup when something happened. YOu say you can't take any more punishment. I understand it must be hard, but yopur dh needs to work through these feelings. It's like a grieving preocess & he'll go through clear stages, probably, at least I did of feeling sad, then feeling overwhelmingly angry, then feeling bitter, then feeling accepting and calm etc etc. It won't always be this intense, it can0't be. It will calm down. DOn't forget, your dh has had the worst shock of his life (findiong out about the affair) them shortly after an even bigger shock. Give him time. He sounds actually very together and caring considering.

It will get better for all of you, I promise.

The best thing that my dh did was just to take it on the chin and not rise to it and get angry back if II got angry. That diffused my anger quicker. So let him rant if he needs to, it will be over quicker

hellobello · 08/06/2007 12:01

It's a lot more common than you would think that men bring up children who aren't theirs. If you slept with your ex and your dh in the same week, there's no real way of knowing who the father is. I hope you sort things out with your dh and I'm sure you'll find a way to deal with the pregnancy. The guilt must be hideous, but somehow, you must get on and forgive yourself. If your dh is pleased about anther baby, then that's fantastic! Perhaps it's better not to know who the real father is?

barbamama · 09/06/2007 15:24

Hi just wanted to say my dp' brother has 4 children, the youngest is now 12 and the result of an affair with his best mate. Though I didn't know them at the time they got through it and he is a normal part of the family. Hard, but possible. They seem perfectly happy since I've known them too.

Eleusis · 09/06/2007 21:37

Well, any updates?

Eleusis · 11/06/2007 08:14

Donna,
How are you?

Original poster
donnadell · 11/06/2007 12:40

not doing so good just now, i lost the baby on friday.

im still trying to get my head around things, im not coping well at all because i dont even really know what im trying to greive for, i dont even know who the babys dad was, now i never will.

my mum has stayed since friday and is looking after dc.

i have had to tell her whats happened as she needed to know why dh was not staying with us, she is very dissapointed in me and not able to really give me support (thats the impression i get anyway)

dh is still with his friend and things really ar rock bottom between us just now.

OP posts:
CarGirl · 11/06/2007 12:42

sorry to hear things are going badly especially about the lack of emotional support. Big hugs, hope you and dh can work through all of this together.

tribpot · 11/06/2007 12:44

So very sorry

maisemor · 11/06/2007 12:48

Big hug to you. Sorry to hear that your mother is not being more supportive.

barbamama · 11/06/2007 12:49

Really sorry to hear your news, I think you should grieve for the loss if you need to despite the uncertainty - it really doesn't matter at this point. Hope things get better for you soon.

hurtwife · 11/06/2007 12:56

So sorry to hear of this too. I hope your mum finds in herself to give you the support you need. She may just be in shock - at least she is telling how she feels.

I hope anyone who is thinking of continuing or having an affair will read this. The ripples are just massive and i dont think anyone involved will ever think the same.

At least you know yourself better whatever happens.

H may not know what to do for the best either he could be just as confused as you - should he grieve the loss of potentially his baby or be glad?

This is just such a sad story and i really really hope there is some happiness soon.

TAke care

Eleusis · 11/06/2007 13:32

I hope you manage to find someone who can give you the support you need. Have you got a friend you can call on? Possibly someone who already knows about the affair?

HuwEdwards · 11/06/2007 13:47

Oh Donna - just read this through, what a sad sad situation for all involved. I really feel for you.

Jennylee · 11/06/2007 23:01

Donna , that is so sad, I hope you family will realise what you have lost and treat you with sympathy, that is awful news, I am thinking of you and hope someone in real life will treat you kindly no one deserves what has just happened to you.

ernest · 12/06/2007 12:06

also just read this. I'm very very sorry too. I'm sure your mum will come round. She may well be disappoonted, but you're her child, and no matter what, she loves you. You are now dealing with so many negative emotions and Bad Stuff. I hope your dh can find it in himself to come and support you. How did he react when you told him?

ernest · 14/06/2007 07:23

how are you today donna? has you dh been round? And your mum? Really hope some rl person is supporting you xx

Original poster
donnadell · 17/06/2007 17:52

i think we are going to call it a day, neither of us knows how to get past this. i dont know what to do anymore.

OP posts:
CarGirl · 17/06/2007 17:58

don't expect for either of you to get over the situation, if you are able to live apart for while and try building it from there it may help?

You've been in my thoughts sorry I cant help at all, are you both prepared to go to counselling together?

hurtwife · 17/06/2007 18:40

Oh feel so sad for you, and for your dh. Take care of yourself and be kind to your dc and dh.

It may be a blip in that he is just finding it all too hard at the momenet to cope with. Dont take anything he says too seriously as his brain is probably not thinking staight. Remember he has not had long to think about it all and you have had plently of time (even if you did not think this would happen).

Sending you all big hugs

Jennylee · 20/06/2007 11:56

that's sad to hear, could you both try and go for counselling?
It is a really difficult situation, but I hope you both come through it .

Original poster
donnadell · 25/06/2007 13:28

just wanted to give a update.

me and dh have finished for good. i think losing the baby was just to much in what wasa very difficult relationship.

things have gone from bad to terrible since i last posted, i felt i never had any support after what happened and after a argument about it one night he turne violent. something he has never done before but im not going to take the risk of it happening again.

he is staying with his parents just now and i am with dd's. not really sure where we all go from here but am taking it one day at a time.

OP posts:
CarGirl · 25/06/2007 13:32

just carry on taking one day at time, life will be so different in several months time, it will be hard though. Wishing you the best x

controlfreaky2 · 25/06/2007 13:37

. sorry you are having such a hard time. do you have some support in rl from friends / family?

mylittlestar · 25/06/2007 14:01

sorry to hear that donnadell

despite everything that had happened you really did deserve some support from him at this time. you made a huge mistake and were living with the horrendous consequences.

even though the violence was probably out of character, for a person under a lot of strain, you're absolutely right that there is never an excuse for that sort of behaviour and you have to protect yourself and your dc from that.

I'm very sorry to hear it has come to this.

hurtwife · 25/06/2007 14:08

Hi hope you are getting some support, just wanted to say that your H violent outbust may just be due to the stress he is under too. Not ever saying that violence is acceptable but he may be hurting too so try and be kind to him too.

He has had a lot to deal with too remember - he has lost a lot.

You seem so much more resigned to the split than you did at the beginning. He will pick up on this too and though he may not want to he is punishing you too.

If you can try and get to see a cousellor - even if it is to make the split easier on your DDs.

Good luck and thanks for the update.