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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

had a affair, now i am pregnant

272 replies

donnadell · 05/06/2007 16:25

i had a stupid affair that lasted 4 months and ended about 6 weeks ago, its the worst thing i have ever done and could sit here all day saying how sorry i am for what happened.

dh found out about it and after a lot of heartache we decided to give things another go, things have only really been "normal" between us for the last few days and i thought we had turned a corner.

now i find out that i am pregnant, there is a chance it could be either dh or om's. i was on the pill but also took a course of anti biotics which i was unaware could make the pill stop working.

now i dont know what to do, i cant face the idea of a abortion, even if i was 100% sure it was om's i dont think i could do it and the idea of killing a baby that is my dh's would destroy me. i have made the biggest mistake of my whole life and just when i though i would live through it this has happened.

can anyone please give me some advice, please dont post just to rip me apart because i have already been through so much of that in rl. nothing anyone says could make me feel any worse but i need some help in what feels like a impossible situation.

OP posts:
LazyLine · 06/06/2007 19:56

I have to say that I really do not think that this is the place for what might as well be the pro-life lobby selling their wares.

This is a woman who has a very hard decision to make and I don't think that your emotional blackmail about "innocent babies" is really helping.

Jennylee · 06/06/2007 20:31

I saw this from doing an online search, would it be worth trying to find out if you can get this procedure in London?

I mean it might be your husbands baby, if there was a way of finding out that would help surely. i hope the link is not a scam I just did a search as i have heard you can find out before it is born

www.dna-worldwide.com/Prenatal-DNA-Paternity-Test

Prenatal DNA Paternity Test
The Prenatal DNA Paternity testing is used to determine paternity of a child before the child is born. It is ideal if you need to establish paternity before the child is born.

Determined via Amniocentesis or CVS
Work with your current doctor/physician
Or one of our London consultants

Simple cheek swab for alleged father
Fast, accurate results

Price: £395.95 (Incl. Tax)

Prenatal DNA Paternity Testing

that was stuff I copeied and pasted off the site

Original poster
donnadell · 06/06/2007 21:21

thank you so much everyone, the posts i have just read have been such a comfort, i cant get my head around any of this and feel such a fool. went to the doctors and he was surprisingly very sympathetic, he does know parts of the background story though so perhaps that helped my case a bit, im booked on for a scan tomorrow ( i really cant thank doctor enough for getting it arranged so quick)

been in contact with dh by text, he seems to be not to bad right now giving whats happening, he says he will come to hospital tomorrow which im not sure about but he thinks he might just wait outside for me.

i really dont know what tomorrow will bring, im going to have a look at the web site about the dna but im not sure how much more it will complicate things if we do know for certain just now, plus being up the north of scotland london might not be possible.

thank you so much though for all your support.

OP posts:
wizadora · 06/06/2007 21:24

i dont think anyone is trying to blackmail this poor lady into keeping her baby.Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, obv some are anti abortion and that is their view. At the end of the day this is her life, she too has her own views on abortion and only she will know what to do for the best. i think people are putting their own opinions across to try and express the enormity of the decision she will make.

I hope you make your decision donnadell based on your own opinions and because YOU want to.for your own reasons, not for anybody else.not even H.It is YOU that will have to deal with this mentally and physically baby or no baby
take care x

fireflyfairy2 · 06/06/2007 21:29

Good Luck donna, hope it goes as best as it can xoxo

Dior · 06/06/2007 21:30

Message withdrawn

PetronellaPinkPants · 06/06/2007 22:56

good luck with it all donnadell

You have SO done the right thing by being honest with your dh.

I really hope it all works out for you, he sounds brilliant and like he wants it to work so that is very important

Be gentle with him xx

warthog · 06/06/2007 22:59

well done for telling your dh. good luck for what you decide. i hope it works out.

tribpot · 06/06/2007 23:01

donna - best of luck to you. Take good care. xx

hurtwife · 07/06/2007 07:29

Good luck for today, - I am hoping that the scan will somehow let you know it is your DH's as he sounds as if he would support you through this.

Maybe out of all this heartache and mess there will be some good.

Nothing like the same but I really do believe that me and H are stronger as a couple now and that it has actually brought us true happiness. We all have to live with the consequences of our actions - it is learning to live with them going forward. You may just have a more obvious reminder, but if it works out between you that may too be for the best.

Would the DNA test really help I know where you are coming from but surely if DH is prepared to stay with you throughout the pregnancy and support the baby he would be the true father.

Take care of yourself and be extra kind to DH. He may be horrid to you - but it may just be the anger. Be true to yourself and i am sure he will want to stay and support you.

hurtwife · 07/06/2007 07:34

PS Also wanted to say - you owe the OM nothing - he too would have known the risks involved, so dont even think about him when making your decision.

Good luck again.

PPS - just a quick hijack - Ernest I have CAT you so hopefully we can catch up soon.

Jennylee · 07/06/2007 10:11

Good luck donnadell, hope it all goes well for you and stay strong. whatever you decide I hope it all works out okay

ernest · 07/06/2007 13:17

also wishing you well for today, Donnadell. SOunds great, that your dh is prepared to go with you, even if he does just wait outside.

Original poster
donnadell · 07/06/2007 13:47

back from the scan now, was the most emotional thing i have ever done in my life.

dh decided that he would come into room with me, i was woried about this and told him if thats what he really wanted could i go in first and have a few words with the lady doing the scan, i just wanted to make sure that she did not put her foot in it in a big way and wanted to say that we were unsure if we were keeping the baby or not.

i did go in first and then dh was called in after (poor lady had no idea where to look) she turned the monitor away from us so we would not see anything. she says from the size of the baby that i am 7 weeks pregnant, a week less than i thought, i asked her how accurate it was and she said it is a rough guide, im pretty sure that going by my periods i woud be a week more gone than what she says.

i think dh got a bit to excited at this news and asked if the monitor could be turned round, i was a bit unsure but really did not want to make a scene so agreed thats what i wanted.

the image was very fuzzy but i could make out a little bean shape and got really upset, dh seemed convinced at this point that the baby must be his.

once we came out he seemed pretty positive that we could work things out because he was sure the baby was his, i was trying to explain that this might not be the case. we snapped at each other for a bit then sat in silence the rest of the way home, he dropped me of then left.

i have just sent him a text mesage saying that after today i will be keeping the baby, i would never get the image of my baby out my mind if i was to have a abortion, i know it was a pathetic thing to do telling him in a text but i feel so lousy just now i could not cope with a argument or even worse if he startd crying.

i have told him that its him i want, hopefully we can get through this but if not i will understand why and take the full blame for it. i dont know if i can do anything else at this point.

OP posts:
sockmonkey · 07/06/2007 13:57

Donna, I really don't have much more to add than others have said, but I just wanted to wish you luck in sorting this all out. I'm glad you have been able to decide what you want, and I really hope it turns out well for you and your family

persephonesnape · 07/06/2007 13:58

Donna, you have been through the mill. I do think there is still hope for you and your husband. i know things aren't as black and white as i would sometimes like them to be, but i do hope that he will come to love this baby, even if it isn't his, becasue he loves you and the baby is yours ( if i make sense).

fatherhood isn't just about sperm. it's a lot more than that and I do think, from what you've said that he will step up.

he wouldn't just be leaving you, because of your affair, he'd be leaving your Dcs as well. I do hope he doesn't walk out on his family because of your pregancy.

is there any chance your little lump could be his? i read about you having the drunken sex a few days after you split from your OM. did you do it again a week later, by any chance?

wishing you all the best. i think you've been very brave and i think you're trying really hard to make ammends .

Original poster
donnadell · 07/06/2007 13:58

thankyou sockmonkey

OP posts:
babyblue2 · 07/06/2007 13:59

I really hope this works out for you as you appear to have so much remorse for what you did. Please keep us updated as to what is happening. Fingers crossed for you x

Original poster
donnadell · 07/06/2007 14:01

i really cant remember how often we had sex in the week after i only remember the saturday because of the wedding we were at, i think part of the problem is going to be that om looked so much like my dh, they could have passed as brothers i think thats part of the reason i fell for him, i looked at him and seen a funnier , nicer more relaxed version of what was sitting at home (horrible i know) our 2 dc are the spitting image of me but i bet this one turns out to look like dh or om and it will be slap in the face for dh whenever he looks at the child.

OP posts:
ernest · 07/06/2007 14:13

don't think like that, donnadell, our ds 3 is the image of dh (well, the image of dh when he himself was 3, God, such a shame my beautiful little boy's gonna turn out like that, lol) so even is this child looks like dh, that's just chance of genes. I woulödn't maybe press the point too much anymore that the baby might not be dh's. It sounds like he wants it to be his. He knows realistically there is a chance it might not be, but he seems to want to believe it is, so let him have his dream. He's not unaware, you've been brave and honest. he knows the score. Let him accept/deal with it his way, and if that is ignoring all other possibilites the surely he has a right to that? I think he wants you all to stay together, you want the same. You both seem to want to keep the baby, I think it can be a positive wonderful new begining. DOn't stress too much now. The decision has been made by the sounds of it. You need to concentrate on re building your marriage. Convincing your husband you love him dearly, and what I need to hear loud and clear is IT WILL NEVER EVER HAPPEN AGAIN. He is going to need so much love and reassurance. Focus now on that and don't go on too much any more about the paternity. He knows the score. you all do. focus on each other for the next few weeks. I wish your family well, I really do.

Eleusis · 07/06/2007 14:17

Can you get a DNA test from either a CVS or an amnio that would at least tell you who the child's father is earlier on. I think I would want to know before I went through the process of childbirth.

persephonesnape · 07/06/2007 14:18

i read something somewhere once (...) about your vaginal fluid being more hospitable to the sperm it is used to - so if you had slept with two guys within 24 hours, and you were ovulating, a resulting baby would be more likely to be your regular partners, because nature will go on the side of the sperm that you are more used to.

that might not be helpful at all.

so if you and OM had sex on the thursday and you and DH had it on the saturday and possibly a few times in the following week, isn't it statisticaly more likely to be DH's? babies may not do statistics unfortunately... ( I will have a bit of a google on this as I've peaked my curiosity..)

are you considering the amnio though? with the associated risk of miscarriage or would you wait until after the birth for DNA testing. would you be honest with your children when they're old enough to understand?

such a lot of questions. I'm sure you've been over them all in your mind. I'm glad people here have been helpful and understanding...

TaylorsMummy · 07/06/2007 14:20

if she ovulated on the thursday or before then it will be oms regardless of anything else

TaylorsMummy · 07/06/2007 14:24

if you know the date of your last period and your periods are always regular then you may be able to work out exactly when you ovulated.

Original poster
donnadell · 07/06/2007 14:24

im really not sure at all about what will happen from now on, im going to just ave to take it one step at a time, dh husband suggested that we go through the pregnancy letting everyone believe the baby is his (no one knows about om so that sounds normal) but after it was born and we got the test if it turns out to be dh we carry on as normal but if it turns out to be om's and he cant cope then we tell everyone that i lied through the pregnancy and only told him i had been unfaithfull after the baby was here, i know i have been a bitch and should have to suffer but im feeling a bit uncomfortable about this one. im hoping he was just saying all this because he is confused.

OP posts: