had a affair, now i am pregnant

[donnadell]

i had a stupid affair that lasted 4 months and ended about 6 weeks ago, its the worst thing i have ever done and could sit here all day saying how sorry i am for what happened.

dh found out about it and after a lot of heartache we decided to give things another go, things have only really been "normal" between us for the last few days and i thought we had turned a corner.

now i find out that i am pregnant, there is a chance it could be either dh or om's. i was on the pill but also took a course of anti biotics which i was unaware could make the pill stop working.

now i dont know what to do, i cant face the idea of a abortion, even if i was 100% sure it was om's i dont think i could do it and the idea of killing a baby that is my dh's would destroy me. i have made the biggest mistake of my whole life and just when i though i would live through it this has happened.

can anyone please give me some advice, please dont post just to rip me apart because i have already been through so much of that in rl. nothing anyone says could make me feel any worse but i need some help in what feels like a impossible situation.

agree with everything ernest said

good luck donnadell. you have a long road ahead but if your decision is made then you can be confident you're doing the right thing and hopefully it will all work out for all of you

my head is now bursting with wikipedia and ovulation. i think my last post may well be crap!

my periods are regular but only because i was on the pill when it happened, before i went on the pill they were all over the place, im not sure if that makes any diffrence or not. i should of really asked tthe doctor that yesterday. it might be worthwhile calling him and asking, suppose it could not hurt.

fwiw even though you're in the wrong and he is hurting badly, don't agree to anything you're not comfortable with. tbh I wouldn't be comfortable with his suggestion either.
if it turns out to be om's, and he can't cope, why can't you just tell people the truth?

nobody would think badly of dh if he couldn't cope in those circumstances.

don't do anything you're not happy with. you need to be happy too.

I think it sounds like he wants it to be his, so there is hope

that sounds awful TBH hon you are stepping up to your actions - that almost sounds like he wants to make sure and then punish you some more if it isn't his which is pretty cruel - I can understand how he feels though no solutions just good luck and you sound like you are doing everything you can...

i know you do feel truly awful about DH and the possibility that the baby may not be his, but please do try and maintain a sense of yourself. you do seem to be a bit sack-cloth and ashes i know you have done something that you think is dreadful, but you can't do penance forever (although, yes it is too soon to be all 'normal' again. )

i think you both hope that everything will be ok, but i do think your husband will never forget this, even if the baby is his.

I think the ball is a little too firmly in his court and you may want o consider putting you and the baby (and DCs) first instead of doing what DH wants all of the time. you have an opinion too, even if you feel you have acted badly.

oh and if you are going to work it out he cannot punish you for ever (nor can you punish yourself) ...

and don't want to hijack but part of my problem with me and DH is that I can't forgive him and I really don't think I can punish him and hate him forever

www.dnaclinics.co.uk/srvc_prenatal.html

I found this too but it would be around 600 hundred pounds and a trip to london and there is risks so would be better to wait untill the baby is born as then paternity tests are easy to do and cheaper.

his suggestion does sound a bit wild, but it's all been a huge shock for him. I thnk people are being a bit hard on him, if the roles were reversed I think people would be saying a bit differently. However, I agree, sounds like a mad plan, but like you said, it's probably the shock talking. He will need some time to get his head round everything. I think just calm things down a little now and be gentle with each other. It does come across very strongly that you want to keep the baby, and that he wants the baby to be his, so try to focus on the positives.

Apart from trying to pin down ovultation, do you think you would look nto establishing parternity prenataly? People here have mentioned amnio, but apart from the associated miscarriage risk, ut is done later in pregnancy isn't it? If the baby turned out to be om, whst then? A late abortion? I doubt you'd be able to go through with it then anyway? I think the best is now just to get on with it.

macdoodle and ernest - well done on being able to give donna some constructive advice given you've been in her dh's position to one extent or another.

donna - continuing to wish you all the best, marriages can survive things like this and the details of how you might tell people if it turns out the baby isn't dh's can be hammered out at the time.

You have already said you could not go through with an abortion so why go through with DNA?

You have made a baby - with a sperm does it really matter whos?

Your H knows the score and if he is willing to accept that then you should too - let him accept that it is his and put this OM out of your life forever (nasty i know but do you still want him in your life in some way?) Dont shoot me down but i know it takes a long time to get over the other person. I think you are looking for a good way out of all this.

You would be happy with the DNA if it was H but of course it could not be.

It may not be fair on the child but why not just leave the DNA if you already know you cannot go through with abortion. The fact of whos it is makes not difference at the moment does it?

I know it is hard but try and think about what is best now - not what may be best once the baby is born - who knows what will happen between now and then.

The fact is you are pregnant by having sex - DH is prepared for now to stick by you. You dont want to abort a child - what else is there to consider. I think you will find that if he can put up with what you have done then he can put up with almost anything.

Ernest is right all your H wants to hear at the moment is that you are back for good. He may be pushing you and i am sure he will test you to the limit - this is his right at the moment but there will come a time when it will end and you will both know if this is what you want.

I would like to say sit back and enjoy the moment but i know you wont at the moment.

Hope this does not come across too harsh it is really meant as support and i am truely thinking of you all at this testing time.

Hugs to you and especially H

I don't have anything helpful to say other than what has already been said, but I really wish you and your family happiness.

God knows we have all made mistakes some that we can forget about and some that we never will.

I think you've made your decision that the baby is for keeps, I hope the rest of your life is for keeps too if that is what you want.

thank you so much everyone for all your support, im really not sure if i can do this though

my and dh have had words tonight, im not sure where i stand on anything right now and dont know how much more punishment i can take.

on top of this i feel like total s**t i dont remember ever feeling this bad in my last 2 pregnancies.

dd2 has been awake for hours crying for her daddy and i know i am the cause of him not being here right now, how can i ever forgive myself if i am the cause of him never being here again.

im going to bed now, hopefully i can wake up tomorrow and this will all have been a bad dream.

that sux, donna.

I haven't posted before donna but I have been following this thread. It is a very tough situation and you seem to be coping quite well given what you are going through.

If you are 7 weeks pregnant doesn't that mean conception occurred 5 weeks ago? When a period is due two weeks after conception we are 4 weeks pregnant based on a 28 day cycle. Is this right?

Just read this whole thread, sorry you are having such a tough time. Just wanted to post because I had a scan at 7 weeks, I had no idea when I had conceived and at the time they told me that with such an early scan they can pin down conception date to within 3 days by looking at the size. Did they tell you what the size was? If so you can look up on the internet how many days from conception that implies and that should be pretty accurate at this stage.

here

I think that as you want to keep the baby and dh wants to believe that it's his then you just need to keep that in mind and not worry (if you can help it) that it might not be his. The important thing is that your baby is on it's way. However it's going to be very tough. Can you get any support? Given your dh's current view (and as someone who's dh had an affair the whole telling people is a very difficult area, so I do sympathise with him ever though it's not a nice suggestion) do you think you would feel OK about going to a councellor? It will be really hard to keep your worries to yourself otherwise, and although you will be able to pass off some of them as pregancy hormones I think it will be really difficult. However if seeing " a little bean" on the screen has made him change his mind about aborting, I wonder if a baby in his arms may change his mind about testing (esp as the OM looks similar so it may not be obvious anyway). I wateched a programme where adults did paternity tests, and some of the most surprising ones were where the child was thought to be very like the expected dad, but weren't in fact biologically related.

This is what I would do. Sorry if it doesn't sound like you would do.

I would abort the baby, no matter what your DH says, he would imagine the baby as the time you fucked about.

Then I would try to repair your marraige, it sounds like there is something to repair and you love your DH.

There are children to think about who deserve a Mummy & Daddy who are happy.

At this time they are more important that your pregnancy imo.

Or you could be thinking about becoming a statistic, ie a mummy of three on the dole. If you are thinking of this, read some stuff on MN about it. It will be hard, you will have no respect from your family etc.

I hate to jump into threads I haven't properly read, but I have followed thiis a little recently.
I agree, that despite your best hopes and intentions the baby will always be a contentious issue, and one that could cause serious damage to your family.

Imagine yourself as your DH. Could you get excited about the birth and and raise a child without it ever crossing your mind that it is possibly not your child, and not only that, a child concieved as a result of your wife betraying your trust in the worst possible way? I think you need to seriously think about the long term repercussions, and mainly for your children.

Donna if you come on here and decide either way. You will get tons of support whatever you decide.

There isn't a right or a wrong way forward. It's your decision.

I will respect you either way. Take Care.x

Donnadell it's a horrible situation you are in, and I hope that you can work things out. big hugz

Are you aware that you can have a paternity test done before the baby is born? From about 10 weeks you can do a CVS test, and from about 13 weeks you can do an amnio. Both of these methods carry some risk of miscarriage, so if you do want to go ahead, you will need to talk to your GP. I thi Costs can vary depending on the method used, but if it is something you want to do, the option is available.

As your DH won't stay if the baby isn't his, this might be a good idea. It sounds as though you will do the paternity test at some stage. I know you have said you don't want an abortion, but if you want him in your life, and you want your DC's to have a father who is part of their everyday life, it might be something to consider to do the paternity test while still pregnant and have the chance to abort? I am somewhat anti-abortion, but think there are circumstances where it is something to consider. As UCM says, no matter what your decision, you will always find support here.

Donna re not being able to take any more punishmnet

Your dh only found out about this recently, maybe he is not punishing you but trying to get over his anger and misery, give him time

Donna - haven't read all the posts, but just wanted to add my best wishes. If you decide to go ahead with the pregnancy, then, as hard as it will be to do, you have to try and put all thoughts about whose baby it is out of your mind, as this will send you crazy over time. If you and dh have talked and agreed to raise the baby together, then you have to do your utmost to put the past behind you.

I wish you loads of luck, it takes a brave person to go through what you have been through. Yes, the affair was a mistake, but none of us are perfect and we've all done things we shouldn't, but I really hope for all your sake's, you can get through this as a family.