Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Controlling or protective

284 replies

TheMuteMoose · 22/08/2018 18:43

Hey, newbie here

Before I go off on a tangent, and make myself out to be paranoid and over thinking can anyone give me an idea of what makes a partner controlling/ over protective?

I have a few red flags raised in my fairly new relationship (6 months) but worried I am just over thinking the situation and things that are said. I am a very strong willed and opinionated person, so even these doubts I am havjng are very out of character for me.

A small example of some of the shenanigans for an idea... OH mentions he has a sore neck, which reminds me to let him know I’ve booked myself into my usual sports massage. This has been ongoing for 8+ years. After a long pause he says In a very moody tone “brilliant, another mans hands all over your naked body” I don’t react, I ignore the comment with a Shake of he head and a loud tut. He says there it was a joke and he just wanted some reassurance, I say he is being controlling and paranoid to which he very strongly denies

Plenty more examples to come, but I’d like to hear some opinions before I let lose!!

OP posts:
BackInTheRoom · 22/08/2018 18:47

Mindfuckery! Gaslighting!

I reckon he wants you to retaliate. Wants you to go 'no it's perfectly innocent blah blah blah' so he then gets your attention!

Seniorschoolmum · 22/08/2018 18:48

That is a bit weird. How would he react to your male GP. Where does it stop, female only life guards at the pool?

Only you can tell if he just has a slightly odd sense of humour.

The moment he tries to prevent you going though, or wants to accompany you, that would be a red flag the size of a bed sheet though.

Topseyt · 22/08/2018 18:49

Sounds possessive and controlling, probably.

Original poster
TheMuteMoose · 22/08/2018 18:57

Backintheroom- this is what I think. I think he looks for this constant reassurance. I mean surely he isn’t arsed about me having a sports massage, the same massage I have been have for over 8 years!!!!

Seniorschoolmum- yes this was my stance on it, continue with my booking remind him of the appointment on the day and make a point of discussing it afterwards and see his reaction

Topseyt- I really hope now, I feel like i am potentially looking at it through rose tinted glasses so outside opinions are really helpful

OP posts:
bubbles108 · 22/08/2018 18:59

Wow.

Sounds horrible. I wouldn't want to be with someone like that

Kennycalmit · 22/08/2018 19:00

Stuff like this makes me feel sick. I’m not that old but I had a boyfriend like this when I was 19, I look back and feel angry with myself that I didn’t tell him to fuck off!

There is nothing protective about what he said. Controlling - yes.

HandbagCrazy · 22/08/2018 19:00

Definitely red flag. He wants constant reassurance? Why? He wants you to continually tell him that you won't cheat on him / find another man attractive / flirt outrageously? That's something he should be expecting as standard without you having to say it.

Him wanting reassurance is his problem. He needs to find a way to deal with it without it impacting you - you shouldn't be asked to change your way of doing / saying things to please him. Doing that is leading straight down the track of emotional abuse.... and I speak from experience here.

Daddyto2monsters · 22/08/2018 19:08

Hi, I would say this is defiantly strange behaviour especially due to the length you have been together. It could indicate low confidence on his part or could be the start of an escalating problem that he has.

I have to say though all of us men are very needy and do sometimes require re assurance. Although if I had been in his situation I would of probably asked for you to book me one to due to the issue he is having with his neck.

It could also be that he has trust issues

HollyGibney · 22/08/2018 19:12

It could also be that he has trust issues

Oh who cares?! If anyone claims to have "trust issues" then they should take themselves off and work on them and not inflict them on other people by getting into relationships with them.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/08/2018 19:13

Why are you and he together at all?. He targeted you because he has seen something in you, some insecurity, that he can and has indeed exploited.

There is nothing protective about what he said.

You need to be rid of this man because if this is what he is like six months in you are in for more of the same and worse. His actions here are about power and control and he wants absolute over you.

RandomMess · 22/08/2018 19:16

Mine would tell me he was jealous but nothing controlling in it, wouldn't expect me not to go etc,

Only you know which it is...

Original poster
TheMuteMoose · 22/08/2018 19:20

Thank you all.. that was just one of the incidents let’s call them!

I am erring on the side of emotional control, although this is not something I have ever been faced with. All relationships encounter some jealousy and the need for reassurance but this is going beyond that in my eyes

Of course this is all being turned round on me and he claims to just be protective and loving etc. I am no angel and I keep my feeling very guarded, i don’t wear my emotions on my sleeve and he says he struggles to cope with this as I feel distant.

It’s all very confusing. In on breath I think he adores me and dotes on me, but the next I feel like he likes to have his stamp on things and what he says should go?

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 22/08/2018 19:25

I would probably have said, "Yeah, it's absolutely wonderful. I'd go every day if I could."

Original poster
TheMuteMoose · 22/08/2018 19:31

Hollowtalk- wow your comment just felt like I have been punched in the gut Sad this is my sense of humour, if ANYONE had ever said that to me in the past I would have said something along those lines, but for some reason this time, I kept my mouth shut? Why? I didn’t consciously do this, and have only really realised once I read your comment

This saddens me Sad

OP posts:
RandomMess · 22/08/2018 19:35

I too could say something like Hollowtalk...

Whocansay · 22/08/2018 19:37

There was a very similar thread recently, where the OP had been having treatment for her bad back (I think!). Her OH thought she MUST be shagging the people treating her and was insisting he accompany her or she stop going.

It escalated. She dumped him. Sounds like the same guy!

ThinksTwice · 22/08/2018 19:38

With my dp I could say "yeah and he slips me a quick finger too Wink.." and we'd both laugh and know it was a joke.

My controlling ex however, I had to look face forward in the car so I didn't get accused of looking at other men so a comment like that would have cause massive upset and arguments.

It does sound like the start of you walking on eggshells with will destroy your soul.. Sad

Original poster
TheMuteMoose · 22/08/2018 19:40

ThinksTwice- another witty comment that would normally roll of my tongue

I think my fears are starting to be realised. This man is a controlling/emotional bag of arse

OP posts:
FuckItPassMeTheWine · 22/08/2018 19:41

Yep this is controlling , I had the same issues with my ex. Six months in and he’s trying to gently sew in the control tactics, he’s also making you feel you have to react to his “joke” in a different way than normal so as not to offend him, so his control tactics are clearly working. Another 6 months and you’ll feel like your waking on egg shells constantly . Xx

FuckItPassMeTheWine · 22/08/2018 19:41

*walking even

ThinksTwice · 22/08/2018 19:44

I had to see a gynaecologist a few months ago and I joked to dp how I'd spent the afternoon with a big gorgeous black mans fingers inside me (we are quite immature Grin) and it was funny, we laughed then moved on.

My ex wouldn't have even let me go to the gynaecologist..

ThinksTwice · 22/08/2018 19:45

Do you have other examples op?

Original poster
TheMuteMoose · 22/08/2018 19:48

Another example. I like to sleep In PJs, always have always will. My OH says if I have my pjs on be will not cuddle me as he doesn’t like the feel of the clothes between us (utterly ridiculous!!) at first I obliged and slept starkers, much to my disgust, but not I stand my ground and I sleep with them on most of the time

The night I have PJs on be will go into a mood and turn away from me in bed. Sex is unaffected by the PJs. To me it’s more a case of he wants me naked and I must go by his rules? So I purposefully don’t

OP posts:
Original poster
TheMuteMoose · 22/08/2018 19:49

Sorry for spelling mistakes. I am trying to write this quickly on my phone as if he sees this he will spontaneously combust!

OP posts:
RandomMess · 22/08/2018 19:53

What a creep!

Swipe left for the next trending thread