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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Controlling or protective

284 replies

TheMuteMoose · 22/08/2018 18:43

Hey, newbie here

Before I go off on a tangent, and make myself out to be paranoid and over thinking can anyone give me an idea of what makes a partner controlling/ over protective?

I have a few red flags raised in my fairly new relationship (6 months) but worried I am just over thinking the situation and things that are said. I am a very strong willed and opinionated person, so even these doubts I am havjng are very out of character for me.

A small example of some of the shenanigans for an idea... OH mentions he has a sore neck, which reminds me to let him know I’ve booked myself into my usual sports massage. This has been ongoing for 8+ years. After a long pause he says In a very moody tone “brilliant, another mans hands all over your naked body” I don’t react, I ignore the comment with a Shake of he head and a loud tut. He says there it was a joke and he just wanted some reassurance, I say he is being controlling and paranoid to which he very strongly denies

Plenty more examples to come, but I’d like to hear some opinions before I let lose!!

OP posts:
NynaeveSedai · 23/08/2018 08:02

I will be speaking to him about this, as I strongly believe people should be given the chance to change

There is literally no combination of words you could use that would make him see he is abusive or make him change his behaviour. Please don't waste your breath.

RyderWhiteSwan · 23/08/2018 08:08

We all hope you'll get rid ASAP! when you do, as a pp said - have someone with you. He will HATE losing control of you and of course his free lodgings with sex on tap. Be prepared for sobbing, promises to change, suicide threats (yes it happens) then utter nastiness - if he follows the usual MO of controlling men.

I hope none of the above occur, but best to be forewarned and emotionally armed. Knowledge is power.

Original poster
TheMuteMoose · 23/08/2018 08:17

TatianaLarina - Thank you, very good post. I suppose i do not want to admit to the people around me the relationship has failed, in all honesty i do not know why i feel like this as it is no bodies business. Good point about no one being attached, that is a fantastic point, and i am sure within a few weeks no one will even think about him or me and him as a couple.

NynaeveSedai- Yes i think i was silly to think that. I feel utterly ridiculous i even had a small thought speaking to him will change him. I suspect this behavior is implanted in him for the rest of his days

RyderWhiteSwan - Good idea about having someone with me. I know already he will go into full blown broken hearted, sobbing, begging mess of a man. I have never come across a man who is controlling like this, totally new to me, i am struggling to get my head around it all

OP posts:
RyderWhiteSwan · 23/08/2018 08:23

It's insidious, this control. But you KNEW something wasn't right. At least you've had the learning experience, hard as it is, and know what to look out for. You already know not all men are like this. Keep posting, we are rooting for you! Grin

RandomMess · 23/08/2018 08:26

Ditch him before your holiday it will give you something to focus on Thanks

greenberet · 23/08/2018 08:26

Just to throw a slightly different perspective on this - how long have you been on your own Op?

Being cheated on destroys you - it can make you very insecure and unable to trust people. It's one thing saying work on your issues yourself but being in a relationship will trigger off past hurts - it needs someone who is secure in themselves to see this as all it is and not let it affect them!

Did you have any discussion about him leaving things at yours - or were you happy with the idea that he came to you as soon as he finished work and it was easier if he had stuff there?

Yes some of these could be seen as red flags but they could also be seen as opportunities to negotiate on and reach a compromise - you say you are very strong willed - maybe you need to soften a little.

It's not necessarily the issues that are a problem it's whether you can talk about them if the outcome always falls on one side then either of you could be seen as controlling or stubborn- sometimes giving a little can actually make you stronger if you can get this

Original poster
TheMuteMoose · 23/08/2018 08:38

greenberet - thank you for a different insight into the situation. I have been on my own 6 months before i met OH, i have known him for a year through work.

There was no discussion RE him leaving clothes and belongings at my house. I was happy with the idea as it meant he could come straight home after 1/2 nights away, and it just seemed to work. I havent spoken to him a couple of times RE contributing but he always says better i pay for the house as i have always done and he will do the food shopping and pay for meals out/days out if we need stuff. Which i agreed too at the time, but this certainly hasn't been the case.

I have wondered if i should try and compromise, i am very set in my ways and strong headed. In a way i feel like i shouldn't put up with any grief, i deserve better blah blah, but then i also think, life isn't that simple?

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/08/2018 08:51

He really did target you. I also think he sees you as a challenge to dismantle piece by piece and drag you down with him.

The image of the man you saw at work is just that, an image. The reality of him is far different. Life is also far from simple when you are enmeshed with a controller like this man too. He will end up really messing with your head and that process is already ongoing.

Original poster
TheMuteMoose · 23/08/2018 08:56

AttilaTheMeerkat - He most certainly is not the man i met through work. that man was very confident, fun, outgoing. The happy go lucky kind of guy. I see now this is all false, he puts this on to everyone around us, but i am left to deal with the moody over thinker once we are alone again.

Infront of friends and family he is so happy, friends comment how lucky i am to have found someone who is so supportive, loves me, affectionate and protective. He joins in my hobbies (i am thinking now is this a control issue as he now joins in rather then me do it alone?!)

I have often wondered about the challenge he sees in me. He tells me often i am the most challenging woman he has ever been with. I think he doesn't like the fact i have my own opinions and i make them clear, he will bicker with me to the point i just agree with what he says, not because i believe what he says is correct bu because i just cannot be arsed!!!

OP posts:
UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 23/08/2018 08:58

I'm so happy you have realised early in the relationship, when you have no real ties, that he is an arse. It's heartbreaking to read accounts from people who are married/have children before they realise they have to get out!

And I'm really glad you got a cat!

fuzzyfozzy · 23/08/2018 08:59

Would you consider yourself a people pleaser?
You need to decide what you want to do.
Dump him
Get him to move out
But what I don't understand is I'll sort it after my holiday.

NerdyBird · 23/08/2018 09:00

OP this man is just one giant red flag. I really wouldn't waste any more time on him. Bag up his stuff, tell him to go back to his place when he comes back from work and change the locks on your doors. Drop the stuff round with a friend, or failing that get a taxi and ask them to wait. Do not go inside the building.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/08/2018 09:04

Moose

Your reply to me has pulled up a load more red flags re him. He does see you as a challenge - to further break and drag down with him into his pit.

But you still have a choice re him, the choice to no longer put up with him. He has also moved into your house underhandedly and by stealth. He has a fine way with words and in disagreements you end up agreeing with him also because that is easier; these are really all part of the controlling man's MO.

What are you getting out of this relationship now that for you is still worth having?. If this is how awful (and it really is) this earlier on, imagine what he will be like towards you in another year's time. Just the same if not worse.

Abusive men can appear plausible too to those in the outside world but I am certain too that one or two people where he works have their own private bases suspicions about him.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/08/2018 09:06

Are you either codependent or a people pleaser? Both are ideal types for such controllers like this man to get his teeth into.

I would certainly also read up on people pleasing behaviours in relationships and see how much of that relates to your own ways of thinking here.

Original poster
TheMuteMoose · 23/08/2018 09:06

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea - I am glad i got the cat, she is wonderful. I am at my happiest surrounded by my animals. He tries to say she cant sleep on the bed, id rather the cat be there she takes up less room haha!

FuzzyFozzy - No i really dont think i am a people pleaser. My only reason i feel like i am failing friends and family is they see him as the fake person, not the really person i see behind closed doors. They all seem to think we have this perfect relationship and are made for each other. The after the holiday remark is, i dont want him to move himself back whilst i am not there for 10 days. Stupidly hadn't thought about changing the locks, which would easily solve that.

Nerdybird- i could easily drop them at his mums. He doesnt have a lot there, so wouldnt take long and i know i could drop it there without having to actually see his family.

OP posts:
LeftRightCentre · 23/08/2018 09:09

He saw you coming! He's a controlling, entitled, cocklodging, controlling, EA twat. There is no reasoning with a specimen like this because they always believe they are right. Waa, I got cheated on. He's an adult, he's in charge of sorting out his feelings about that, not expecting other adults to dance round his ickle feelings.

You owe him nothing. You don't owe him a face-to-face or heart to heart or any of the sort. Get fucking rid of him! Pack up all his shit, but it in your garage or shed. Text him. 'I'm done with this relationship. It doesn't work for me. It's over. Your stuff is in X. Come and get it on Y. I want no further contact with you.'

Because like all EA cunts, he's a manipulative shit.

LeftRightCentre · 23/08/2018 09:10

And god yes, change the locks and drop his shit off.

Original poster
TheMuteMoose · 23/08/2018 09:12

AttilaTheMeerkat - going to read up now about the people pleaser in a relationship. I would have always said no, that is not me, but now i am beginning to wonder.

The main thing i get out of the relationship is he is on paper my ideal man. We work in the same industry, which is difficult to explain to outsiders. We have the same hobbies, we enjoy the same things in life and strangely have the same future goals. I think probably why i am trying to hard to make it work.

I will have a read, and let you know if i fit the people pleaser bill. Shock

OP posts:
LeftRightCentre · 23/08/2018 09:15

Trying to make it work with an abuser doesn't work.

Original poster
TheMuteMoose · 23/08/2018 09:20

Having a read i am not a people pleaser, i would say the opposite. But i worry over time this man could very very easily push me down this path.

I just need to figure how to go about this, i think he will be clever and try and reel me back in/guilt trip me. I think i need to confide in a close friend, so she can be there at my house when i am gathering his stuff and returning it

OP posts:
MrsRyanGosling15 · 23/08/2018 09:22

Please so not listen to greenberet do not ever start to compromise yourself for this man, or any man like this. These behaviours most certainly are red flags. Do not give in to any of this. It will suck you in so slowly you wont notice until its too late. Run, quick.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/08/2018 09:25

He moulded and otherwise mirrored himself to fit your ideal image; this is all an act on his part and as in the case of abusive men generally, the nice act is one that they cannot maintain. This is who he is and he is not for changing at all.

You trying to make this work will come at a huge cost to you and already it is far too high. Do not furthermore get yourself stuck on the "sunken costs fallacy" in relationships because a bad investment is not going to suddenly become good. It also causes you to keep on making poor relationship decisions.

hellsbellsmelons · 23/08/2018 09:26

So he moved in by stealth and is a cocklodger as well!
^ THIS ^

You know what to do OP.
You know you cannot change a controlling abuser.
Stop trying to make this work.
It's been 6 months and you have changed what you do and who you are and how you respond because of a 'man'!
You are stronger than this.
I suggest getting him gone today!

NynaeveSedai · 23/08/2018 09:27

I'm not a people pleaser or a codependent type - I'm actually avoidant and find dependency suffocating but I still managed to end up in a controlling relationship. I'm the most robust, self assured and vocal feminist too, and still found myself swallowing my views and modifying my behaviour.
It can happen to any woman and even the controller might enjoy the feistiness at first - so by the time they start wearing you down you're hooked.

LeftRightCentre · 23/08/2018 09:27

I just need to figure how to go about this, i think he will be clever and try and reel me back in/guilt trip me. I think i need to confide in a close friend, so she can be there at my house when i am gathering his stuff and returning it

Then you block him entirely on your phone, social media, emails and anything else. Do not see him or engage with him at all.