Controlling or protective

[TheMuteMoose]

Hey, newbie here

Before I go off on a tangent, and make myself out to be paranoid and over thinking can anyone give me an idea of what makes a partner controlling/ over protective?

I have a few red flags raised in my fairly new relationship (6 months) but worried I am just over thinking the situation and things that are said. I am a very strong willed and opinionated person, so even these doubts I am havjng are very out of character for me.

A small example of some of the shenanigans for an idea... OH mentions he has a sore neck, which reminds me to let him know I’ve booked myself into my usual sports massage. This has been ongoing for 8+ years. After a long pause he says In a very moody tone “brilliant, another mans hands all over your naked body” I don’t react, I ignore the comment with a Shake of he head and a loud tut. He says there it was a joke and he just wanted some reassurance, I say he is being controlling and paranoid to which he very strongly denies

Plenty more examples to come, but I’d like to hear some opinions before I let lose!!

You know just because you start to see someone, it doesn't mean you have to see them forever. You started to see him and he's shown some really dodgy signs, so it's up to you to end it. Just tell him it's not working for you any more.

To add to my previous comment I highlight trust issues but did not in any way say this was an excuse for his behaviour.

To add I have experience in relationship issues including spotting the signs of an abusive relationship due to my job role and client group. I would have to say that the comment you have made "if he sees this he will spontaneously combust" and the reference to the attempt at making you sleep naked would indicate to me that there is a risk of the relationship becoming abusive.

I think its about what you feel comfortable doing, for example my wife sleeps with her pjs on and I couldn't care less as long as she is comfortable. If I said sleep without them I would no doubt be told to take my head for a shit. I would say that he is beginning to try and force what he wants you to do and how he wants you to be. Luckily you seem really strong headed and have not stuck at what he expects.

I would also say that a relationship is about compromise and I don't see him doing any of this with you.

Thank you all this is really helping

Daddyto2monsters- I think he is quite taken back by how strong willed I am. I suppose you hope people will snap out of these silly traits, but I suspect this is the start of a very steep down hill spiral.

I will be speaking to him about this, as I strongly believe people should be given the chance to change. But I suspect this has been the same in all his previous relationships, which is why he was a single Pringle when I met him!

Yes that reaction is not normal either. I suspect he is deeply controlling and you are just seeing the tip of the iceberg .

How old are you OP? You sound quite young, I wouldn’t waste any more time or invest more emotionally in thus guy , it will guarantee-ably get worse and you’ll be a shadow of your former self long term . Get out while you can xx

I find that this type of guy tends to sigh a lot too,

Yes, there aren’t plenty of niggly things which I can’t quite think of now, but at the time they happen you just think “what on earth was that about!”

28, fairly young but old enough and wise enough to luckily spot the warning signs. Thankfully this didn’t happen to me 10 years ago as I would be head over heels in love and pandering to his every whim!

My ex used to quiz me whenever I would change my profile picture on Facebook (just face pics nothing obscene) and also when I was on a family holiday with my parents, I uploaded a pic of me by the pool in a swimming costume (not a overly revealing one) not a bikini . He freaked out massively , accused me of wanting attention from other men. He had a go at me that much I was in tears . This was around 6/7 months in . It got worse and made me feel so cautious of posting anything on social media or updating my status on Facebook( in case a male friend colleague would like it ) then there would be the three day sulk, horrendous . It totally messes with your head and I’m a strong willed person xxx

Has he stonewalled you at all op? Xx

You having to type fast in case he catches you tells you all you need to know

My chair is close to my dh side off the settee, he knows I look up loads of weird and wonderful stuff normally because of Mumsnet

I was showing him a male escort site the other month because I was curious and bored he rolls his eyes at me

Sorry for lack of commas ipad playing up

Oh goodness FIPTW that sounds awful.. funnily enough I go away with my mum in a few weeks and he had had a few digs about me being in a bikini. I told him to bugger off and grow up, he did leave it at that.

Never stonewalled me. In all honesty he normally won’t shut up. If we argue or bicker I ask him to leave it but he will always add one more point, or another dig. If anything I am the one who goes quiet, more so the argument stops and we can move on from it

I am a very open person normally too, witty and a great sense of humour but I’m starting to wonder if that is being sucked out of me

Would love to ask close friends or family for opinions but on the outside we are the dream couple. It’s almost like admitting defeat and letting the family down

Yes it was a nightmare, I wouldn’t wish it on anyone . Is your DP older then you? Just thinking if it’s younger than the lack of maturity may be part of the issue , controlling is still controlling at the end of the day but emotional maturity can also play a factor xx

You feel it in your gut when you know something isn’t right, I had that same feeling then I started to look at the signs of emotional abuse/ narcissism online and It all made sense to me as to why I was feeling that weird apprehensive feeling that something wasn’t quite right xx

I will be speaking to him about this, as I strongly believe people should be given the chance to change

Er, what? This is a major personality trait not a nose-picking habit.

You already talked to him about it more than once anyway didn't you? Of course this is all being turned round on me and he claims to just be protective and loving etc.

The point of dating is to find out if you are compatible or not. The point of dating is not to train the other person to be the person you wish they were. He's already trying that in earnest with you and now you are planning to do the same to him. This is deeply unhealthy.

You have determined that you are incompatible. This is successful dating. You both need to move on asap.

Same age as me, but I would say I am much more mature and I have been in long term relationships before, where as he hasn’t been in anything quite this serious.

Lack of maturity has crossed my mind, as sometimes I do feel like I’m looking after a teenager!

What a mess!

I have to agree with rabbits , it’s part of their genetic make up and they wear you down , it becomes exhausting. I’d leave now whilst your not too entangled and more emotionally invested . Good luck to you lovely xxx

Family and friends speech Yeah, I know it seemed like we were compatible but actually he needed a completely different kind of woman. Way more submissive and you all know that's not me! Ha ha, I had to cut him loose. I hope he finds his little Stepford wife, bless him.

Rabbits- thank you, straight to the point I appreciate that. I have been rather blind haven’t I! Also love the speech.

Roll on holiday in 3 weeks fresh start afterwards

I can't see how there could be anything at all protective about the examples you mention - there isn't any risk to you for him to be protective about? And generally tbh when men describe themselves as protective it's a red flag.

Is he trying to protect you from being too relaxed from your massage, too comfy in your pyjamas? Is he lovingly trying to make sure you don't make choices about what you do with your body and what you wear? The sulking is another control thing and a red flag too tbh. And you not feeling comfortable making a joke about the massage means you're walking on eggshells and modifying your personality to avoid conflict.

Basically I agree this isn't a healthy situation, and you're right to be questioning. I wouldn't advise 'giving him a chance to change' either, it sounds very decent but in reality he won't change - he'll just mess with your head and you'll end up wasting a lot of time on this loser/abuser.

Why do you need to wait until you go on holiday op to finish with him? Do you live together ? Don’t let him ruin your holiday with your mum whatever you do! Xxx

OP - this is how it starts - emotional abuse. Sorry but I agree with other posters, you need to get out now while you can. x

It isn't a mess! Neither of you has done anything wrong either. There doesn't have to be a bad guy though I strongly suspect he would turn out to be an exceptionally bad life partner

You dated. It seemed good. After a few weeks you noticed some things about him that grated. The other bits were good so you stuck around to see if those annoying things were a deal breaker. After another few weeks you realised they definitely were. Ah well, never mind, luckily you found out after a mere 6 months. Next time you won't wait so long to confirm for absolute certain it wasn't going to work.

Don't beat yourself up. This is a good successful dating experience. Really. It truly is.

He sounds demented. Does he make you happy??

Hi Mute - dump him now - don’t wait for your holiday. It’s not working for you and you have spotted many red flags. He maybe immature but let him grow up with someone else!!! He obviously has views about woman’s place in society - DUMP HIM - he won’t change.

Are you really going to pretend you don't want to break up for 3 weeks? And go on holiday with him. Gosh. What if he did that to you? How would you feel about that?