Controlling or protective

[TheMuteMoose]

Hey, newbie here

Before I go off on a tangent, and make myself out to be paranoid and over thinking can anyone give me an idea of what makes a partner controlling/ over protective?

I have a few red flags raised in my fairly new relationship (6 months) but worried I am just over thinking the situation and things that are said. I am a very strong willed and opinionated person, so even these doubts I am havjng are very out of character for me.

A small example of some of the shenanigans for an idea... OH mentions he has a sore neck, which reminds me to let him know I’ve booked myself into my usual sports massage. This has been ongoing for 8+ years. After a long pause he says In a very moody tone “brilliant, another mans hands all over your naked body” I don’t react, I ignore the comment with a Shake of he head and a loud tut. He says there it was a joke and he just wanted some reassurance, I say he is being controlling and paranoid to which he very strongly denies

Plenty more examples to come, but I’d like to hear some opinions before I let lose!!

Well done for sorting the locks I hope you’re okay.

Can anyone remember a thread on here recently where a male partner went crazy because his gf was seeing a physio? He hadn't shown any signs of being volatile until that point but then eventually showed up to accuse the physio etc.

This sounds exactly the same kind of thing.
Sounds tiresome and suffocating.

Oh who cares?! If anyone claims to have "trust issues" then they should take themselves off and work on them and not inflict them on other people by getting into relationships with them.

Omg this with bells on!!!!!

Op you have been amazing well done.
I know you have dropped the dead weight but I rtft. The bit about pyjamas made my skin crawl. My exh couldn't bear them on me either despite the fact I can't sleep properly naked. I will never ever tolerate this again. Bodily autonomy is a basic expectation in a relationship!

Mine wanted me to work, illegally in another country as we were not married, and have wages paid into his account, to which I had no access, of course. He was also a classic love-bombing git. Once I blocked him and never gave him the time of day again, he fucked off.

Just trust your gut.
I realised as each relationship ends that I knew all along it wasn’t going to work, and exactly why, but I ignored myself because of the good bits.

Yes, the PJs thing was chilling, in more ways than one!

@Ohyesiam oh god me too. And from early on but I think we try to be super positive and accommodating :-(

The pyjama thing or anything similar is a dealbreaker

Oh god, my ex had a thing about PJs too. Can't you just come to bed naked it's so much nicer? What's the point of wearing them if I'm just going to take them off again? If you have to wear something can I buy you something sexy? You choose it and I'll give you the money. I had to ask him to keep his boxers on or wear shorts as I have small children in the house and he would always end up with his naked self completely uncovered by morning and that was far more than I wanted my children to see. He didn't get what my problem was. I refused to go to bed naked and would always put clothes back on after sex. He hated it.

@PerverseConverse what is this about???? I forgot that exh refused to cover up too. This got much worse just before we split and dd1 was 2. Exh insisted on sitting on the floor playing with her naked all the time - him not her and got very shitty when I asked him not to.

@TheMuteMoose Are you ok today? Hope you are safe and have someone supporting you IRL with this. It sounds too stressful to be dealing with by yourself.

Hi all

Would just like to give you all an update.. I am still alone, with locks changed and I can sleep in what ever pjs I like!

I never thought I would fall victim to such mental and emotional control. I class myself as strong and not to put up with rubbish, but how wrong was i. It all happened before I even realised.

It transpires that he was actually sleeping with the mother of his child behind my back. So I am even happier I’m the knowledge he isn’t in my life and isn’t my problem

Thank you all for your support. Without you I wouldn’t have recognised the warning signs for what they truly were.

Great news

Very well done op great to hear it. I got out of a recent similar situation myself, and reading threads on here such as yours really helped open my eyes, especially as he was such a wolf in sheep's clothing. So many similarities, down to not wanting me to have my alone time or to wear pj's in bed. It was one of my cats getting scared of him one night and trying to protect me, that started my spidey senses tingling. I'm now happily enjoying the peace and quiet, with my cats, in my pj's. I blocked him quite abruptly in the end. I'm sure I'm the ex who dumped him with no reason, ghosted him, cut him off when he was being so nice etc. But because I've blocked, at least I don't have to hear any of it. Result!

Bloody hell OP.

Thank god you're out of there.

Congratulations on your lucky escape OP. I’ve just RTFT and am so pleased for you. I was worried a few pages in that you wouldn’t leave after all! I’m the same age as you, and was rooting for you hard 😊 Enjoy your freedom! So sorry that all this happened.

Thank you all.. it’s been hard. Really hard. I hate to admit it but even now I still miss the nice him. I have come back to this thread a few times and read what I wrote and made me realise this is, quite honestly, a dangerous human being.

I blocked him on everything. Every friend or relation was also blocked without explanation. I am sure I have been made out to be the bad one but I really no longer care.

Even now I mourn for the good parts of the relationship. But it was all fake! He wanted me to believe he wanted everything I wanted!

Safe to say, I now thoroughly enjoy wearing my fluffy pjs to bed and letting all my animals sleep in there with me

Thank you so much for posting this update! I read your thread when it was all going on, have since split with my (now) ex fiancé who sounds incredibly similar to your ex. Re-reading the thread last night was just what I needed. I too miss the good times, the nice him. But we need to remind ourselves of the shit, the stupidness, the time and life force wasted..... We are strong and we deserve better! Best wishes to you x

Absolutely ladies. Grieving is grieving even if it was only 5% there was and always is something you enjoyed about them and therefore miss, otherwise you wouldn't have seen them for a second date!

Just keep going over the bad stuff if you need to have a reality check on a wobble day, but it's OK to miss anything that was good.

@nooshoos123 I am glad the thread helped you somewhat. I had a major wobble last night and wondered if I should unblock and speak to him (why I have no idea!!!!) but I sat there and tried to remind myself of all the crap I put up with, the treating me like a 1950s house wife, the way he wouldn’t ever let me drive my own car as driving the car was the mans thing. The list is endless, it really is, and all in a short space of time

Oh and my house is SO clean. My food doesn’t get eaten, things are left where I put them.

HEAVEN

Well done, OP. I know I'm late to this thread, and Rabbits said this a month ago, but I still think it's brilliant:

Help you get into a proper woman shape. You are a strong clever woman so obviously you will want to be better at womaning. That's why his counter offer was so fucked up. It was coming from that place of helping you to be the best at womaning.

My exH was genuinely baffled that I didn't want to fit into his mould of the proper wife, because that was natural and right and good and proper and I should have wanted it. But God, it was a lousy deal he was offering.

@TheMuteMoose
Well done for withstanding the wobble! I’ve been having lots lately, just when i’d have thought it would be getting a bit easier. After a week of silence he sent a text “it’s not getting any easier”. The temptation to respond was huge, but I have a notebook I wrote down all the crazy making, odd, controlling and manipulative things he did in, and got that out and read it. I also took screenshots of some of the message exchanges we had, and looked at those too. Reading them brought back that horrible gut feeling, reminded me of the hurt, upset and confusion. Both good techniques for staying strong. This thread is a great help too. I had to smile about the “man’s job” thing - snap!

Honestly blocking that controlling arse wipe on everything was the second best thing I have ever done, highly recommend, there is no temptation there then..

The best thing I did though was unexpectedly changing the locks and wavingfrom the bedroom window and he tried to waltz back into MY home. £130 well spent

Nooo! He didn’t?! Ahaha, good for you! Well done! How did he react??

What is WRONG with some people...? 🙄

He went mental, caused a huge scene on the street which was highly embarrassing but he eventually left.

I do keep expecting some thing to happen to the car/house. Hopefully he has moved on and I will never have to see or hear from him again