Controlling or protective

[TheMuteMoose]

Hey, newbie here

Before I go off on a tangent, and make myself out to be paranoid and over thinking can anyone give me an idea of what makes a partner controlling/ over protective?

I have a few red flags raised in my fairly new relationship (6 months) but worried I am just over thinking the situation and things that are said. I am a very strong willed and opinionated person, so even these doubts I am havjng are very out of character for me.

A small example of some of the shenanigans for an idea... OH mentions he has a sore neck, which reminds me to let him know I’ve booked myself into my usual sports massage. This has been ongoing for 8+ years. After a long pause he says In a very moody tone “brilliant, another mans hands all over your naked body” I don’t react, I ignore the comment with a Shake of he head and a loud tut. He says there it was a joke and he just wanted some reassurance, I say he is being controlling and paranoid to which he very strongly denies

Plenty more examples to come, but I’d like to hear some opinions before I let lose!!

"Sorry for spelling mistakes. I am trying to write this quickly on my phone as if he sees this he will spontaneously combust!"

I'd pop out an buy a bag of marshmallows and some nice long skewers then

He's abusive and has no insight/just tries to justify himself when challenged - dump him! None of your examples are in any realm what a normal, nice man would say or do.

I haven't read the actual post.

But, if you need to ask, then I think you know.

I was strong willed and argued back 16 years ago. 6 years later I had finally broken free and had no idea what I enjoyed doing or liked anymore. There are points I looked back on now and wish I hadn’t kept thinking I’d give him a chance, and a million other excuses.
The thing is I’m stuck with him on some level forever we have 2 dc and I wouldn’t go back and not have them even if I could he’s still the same lying controlling arse hole he was then. It took a long time to stop reacting to his control even after I left him.
I have a dh now that loves me for being the slightly dotty and chaotic, opinionated strong woman I am. He is happy to tell me when he thinks I’m being an arse, he supports me when I need him to and leaves me alone when I need to handle something myself and he’d laugh at the quick finger joke and ask if it cost extra.
There are no ways of changing him. His control will happen gradually, when he comes up against you he will dial it back and be more subtle, he’s already doing it you’re already changing. Don’t be me or any of the other women that post on these boards who stay in these relationships for far too long and don’t recognise themselves when they finally break out of them.

Please go by your gut reactions, you know something isn’t right OP.
It starts small, you start to doubt yourself, and before you know it he will be dictating everything.
Find someone who can love you without all this shit.
I unfortunately know this from experience.

Throw this one back before your holiday. The line between protective and controlling isn’t as thin as some people like to make out. His behaviour towards you is all about him and not once has he pretended otherwise. This is who he is and it isn’t your job or responsibility to reassure or train him.

You need to stop asking yourself ‘why is he like this?’ and start asking yourself ‘why you’ve put up with it for so long’? When you start censoring and or modifying your behaviour to accommodate someone else then you know there isn’t a long term future.

Don't waste any more time with him
He's controlling. Don't go on holiday with him. He's not going to change

Thank you all, i have read and re read all your replies, they have helped no end.

Sitting back and looking now i cant quite believe i have been reeled in, he is a very affectionate and caring guy the majority of the time which is why i probably try and deal with the controlling issues, but he always plays it off as being over protective and a little jealous, but i now see another side to all this.

Im going to have a google and looking up signs of a controlling relationship, i am sure there will be more factors i haven't even realised are happening right under my nose.

I had a really good chat with him last night after posting on here and i was honest and upfront and pointed out how controlling he is and how it is affecting not only my life, but his. His only reasoning/excuse was that his ex cheated on him whilst he was working away. He works away 3/4 nights and now tells me this has been playing on his mind. I have explained this is not my issue and i have given him no reason to ever doubt me and that he needs to sort his own issues out.

He is now away for the next two days which gives me time to get things in order at home. Although he doesn't officially live with me he stays on the nights he is home, but the house is mine and all paid for by me but he does have alot of his clothes there and some belongings.

Quick read up, and already another huge red flag i would have never associated with a controlling relationship. ''not respecting the time you need alone''

I am a person who enjoys my own company, i deal with alot of stress on a day to day basis at work and when i get home i often need my ME time. This normally walking the dogs alone, or going for a run, and i have realised now i have not done this in the past 6 months. I do mention i will be taking the dogs out, but he always insists he joins me so we can spend time together. I have on plenty of occasions pointed out i would like to go alone, the reply is always guilt trip me to feeling guilty for wanting this

I have had the wool pulled over my eyes!!!!

Ewwww! Hopefully this means you see the end to end it?

This is who he really is, changes in his behaviour do not necessarily mean his beliefs underneath will have changed! Do you really want to battle the behaviour for the rest of your time with him?

I am so glad you've picked up on all the red flags relatively early OP! it takes some women years.

To all intents and purposes he IS living with you if he uses your home as a base between working away stints. Having a lot of belongings at yours is marking his territory.

Your last post confirms he is now in control of your behaviour and has no regard for how you want to live your life.

Moose,

You have indeed had the wool pulled over your eyes by a master manipulator. Abuse like you describe is really insidious in its onset, the power and control antes do get ramped up and slowly over time. And he targeted you too; he has seen in you a nice, outwardly confident woman with some insecurities (which he has honed in on) to drag down with him.

Have a look at his parents Moose, one or both of them show similar abusive traits to him. This is deeply ingrained within his psyche and learnt behaviour.

You really do need to end this so called relationship asap and he won't make that easy for you either. He could cry and plead all sorts, do not fall for it. Such men, apart from hating women and all of them at that too do not let go of their chosen target easily but that is no reason to cut yourself lose of his control now.

I would suggest you also read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft, this man you are currently with will be in those pages.

Do not go on holiday with him under any circumstances, it will be miserable for you. Enrolling yourself onto the Freedom Programme by Womens Aid would be a good idea as well because controlling men can and do mess with your head and boundaries.

he always plays it off as being over protective and a little jealous

Is the reason you're conflicted because you think his controlling behaviour might be driven by good intentions rather than malice? If you think it through i hope you'll realise it doesn't matter. Regardless of his motivation, he'll still suck the marrow out your soul.

RyderWhiteSwan - When you put it like that he is living with me. Even that come about in a strange way as it was never discussed, he doesnt contribute anything towards the house in a financial way, he doesnt help round the house. He just seemed to move his stuff in over time and now comes back to mine when he finises work.

AttilaTheMeerkat - he tried with the water works last night, i soon put a stop to that, i will not be made to feel guilty for my feelings. The holiday is with my mum, which is bringing problems in its self as he is convinced i am trying to get in better shape so i look good in my bikini for everyone else? I couldnt give two hoots, but i would rather feel comfortable in my own skin. Another red flag there without even seeing it. I will download that book to my kindle if available, will be a good read for my holiday.

ToogoodToBeTrue- This is exactly how i thought it was. I knew there was something in his past that had happened, but i didn't push and let him tell me in his own time. The conversation happened last night and his ex cheated on him while he was away with work. Its a horrible thing to happen to him, but we all have pasts and bad things happen to us, i am happy to support but not when his behavior is spiraling out of control like this.

his ex cheated on him while he was away with work

So he says. Most of them say something along those lines. It's usually bullshit.

So he moved in by stealth and is a cocklodger as well! these type of men do follow a pattern, don't they?

Most people have a "past" but they do not use previous cheating behaviours of partners to justify or otherwise excuse control which is what he is doing. And that likely predate that relationship of his as well. I would think that one or even worse both of his parents also show such controlling tendencies and this is therefore learnt behaviour.

He does not want your help or support and you are woefully underqualified to help him in any case. He feels actively and absolutely entitled to act as he does towards you. I would also suggest you read the Lundy Bancroft publication asap too.

And I think what he has said about his ex should be taken with a huge pinch of salt also. He is more likely than not to be lying.

Why are you wasting your time with this guy?

It’s only been six months and he’s already moved himself in for free and is manipulating your words and actions?

It’s not “a mess” it’s a simple fix.

As for this:

It’s almost like admitting defeat and letting the family down

You are over dramatising things. Your family will only care that you are happy.

You’ve only been together six months. Do you really think your family would put your happiness and well being at a lower priority than you being “in a relationship”?

You have no financial or legal tie to this guy. It’s easy - just bag up his stuff.

Ryderwhiteswan - Yes, he did, i always refer to it as MY home and point this out at every opportunity. Like when he tried to stop me getting a cat as he doesn't like them, well tough i do!! Needless to say, i got the cat..

AttilaTheMeerka - that is true, i have a past but i do not use it as excuse for anything, in fact, i do not even bring it up.

AnAirborneFluffyWhiteThing - i am so sorry to hear you are struggling and feel trapped by your relationship. I have only endured this behavior for half a year, and i cannot begin to imagine 22 years of this. Hugs for you

I'm glad you're seeing him for who he is. You don't have to put up with it for another second you know. He's away atm, bag up his stuff tonight and drop it round to his when he's back. tell him you'll meet him at his place. Do it with a friend so he can't do anything stupid.

Good luck

OP with respect, you really need to wise up and get rid ASAP.

I don’t understand why you can’t talk to your friends and family about this. ‘Dream couple’ after 6 months? Many people would still be dating/seeing how it goes at that point. It’s not like you’ve been together 20 years and he’s part of the family. No-one around you has had any time to get attached to him or invested. Is it that you want to present a ‘dream couple’ facade and find it hard to admit the reality?

These are all mightily big red flags you’ve described here. They all say an ex cheated on them to justify paranoia.