Controlling or protective

[TheMuteMoose]

Hey, newbie here

Before I go off on a tangent, and make myself out to be paranoid and over thinking can anyone give me an idea of what makes a partner controlling/ over protective?

I have a few red flags raised in my fairly new relationship (6 months) but worried I am just over thinking the situation and things that are said. I am a very strong willed and opinionated person, so even these doubts I am havjng are very out of character for me.

A small example of some of the shenanigans for an idea... OH mentions he has a sore neck, which reminds me to let him know I’ve booked myself into my usual sports massage. This has been ongoing for 8+ years. After a long pause he says In a very moody tone “brilliant, another mans hands all over your naked body” I don’t react, I ignore the comment with a Shake of he head and a loud tut. He says there it was a joke and he just wanted some reassurance, I say he is being controlling and paranoid to which he very strongly denies

Plenty more examples to come, but I’d like to hear some opinions before I let lose!!

Well done op. Life is just too short to be putting up with this shit.

Is it possible for him to contact a friend of yours rather than you to arrange to collect his belongings? Because you need to block him as soon as possible.

It really is too short isnt it.. Just shocking to see how different someone can become over such a short space of time. How can someone be so fake?!

Moose - sometimes writing it down can help - we can all become very defensive as a form of self protection when our egos get prodded at - and it can become a battle of wills - we don't actually listen to what the other person is saying because we are too fearful of what is being said and will close up. There are very successful men on a professional level who have no idea how to deal with this emotional stuff!

You have nothing to lose in writing it down - he can read it as many times as he likes - if he refuses to take any of it on board then yes I would agree that he is controlling - but you never know some people can change for the better If they are shown the right way - but as I've ever already said most people's own fears will prevent them even getting to this stage - they are not necessarily running from the other person but from themselves !

Well done! Just don't reply to any begging. I'd personally just dump his stuff at his parents whilst he's away.

Moose

re an earlier comment of yours:-
"I am worried i will continue and get more drawn in, but at the same time i really dont think i will find someone as well suited as we are"

But you are not well suited and infact never have been.

This is a good description:-

"Their first manipulation tactic is to Mirror the Victim. In the Love Bombing phase, basically they will shape shift to you, it will feel like a Dream it will feel like you are falling in love with yourself or the so called Soul Mate, you will pray to God every night for giving you such a gift, All the falling in love with the NPD feels like a Beautiful Nightmare(a Dream, it happens so fast it’s like in a blink of an eye)and when you wake up you are so confused and you don’t even know what happened from this lovely, caring, funny charming personality they will turn to the Devil himself, you will search for answers you wont even know what happened out of the blue he/she loses interest,affection etc etc then you will start to realize that you got Manipulated since day 1".

He simply drew you in by mirroring your attitudes, this is not him at all really and its just an act. Now you are seeing the cracks appear and the false mask he wears is really falling off.

Ok I see you've Made your decision - I wish you well and I hope you enjoy your holiday

You can stop wittering on, green, thankfully, the OP hasn't listened to your rants and dumped the controlling, EA, gaslighting, cocklodging twat.

Good on you Moose for sending a message ending this whole game to him. You are just a game to him.

If you happen to know where his mother resides I would leave his stuff with her now.

greenberet please stop with all crap! Your advice is honestly bloody awful!

One phrase I read somewhere which really stuck with me.

"Women are not rehabilitation centres for damaged or unhappy men."

If he has insecurities, or trust issues after an ex cheated or whatever, he needs to go off and sort himself out. It's not your responsibility.

Good luck with making the break.

Good phrase unexpected!

If someone is damaged enough to not be able to have a healthy relationship then they need professional help not just a fixer-upper girlfriend

And yes maybe relationships are hard work, after a few years, now and again...but not after 6 months! And sort of the whole point of them is to enhance your life, not a work project.

My abuser was someone from work too. I always thought he was a laid back, funny guy up for a laugh. He wasn't. He was an uptight, humourless twat.

Op talk to your friends and family NOW. That's what they rely on, that you'll never talk to your loved ones and that's why they put on this facade of being such a lovely guy around them so it looks like you are just imagining things.

Tell them what you have said on here about the comments and the pjs and the feeling that something isn't right. Your family and friends will support you and when you do break up it won't be a surprise and after you've broken up with him and are wondering if it was the right decision, your family will know the real story so will less likely say "oh maybe you should give him another chance " thinking he's a great guy.

Get there before him. He will soon start planting the seeds in friends and family's minds that you are slightly unhinged. He will start making comments then if you argue/say something back he will use your reaction to his comment as "you having a go again." Then he will pretend he can't say anything to you anymore in case you "explode" on him again. When you try and fight back to his comment he will say "he begged you to stop but you just wouldn't."

This then gets fed to family and friends so you look like the nasty cow who has a go at him and he "begs" you to stop. They all think he's a nice guy so you must be the bitch.

Get there before him! When I text my friend after I couldn't take anymore he went into my phone (I stupidly didn't delete them) and he said I was telling her lies and her reactions and advice are wrong because she's reacting to lies I have told her.

GET OUT NOW OP. Please don't be the wrecked woman I am and many other women have been after enduring an abuser. It truly destroys your soul and can takes years of thought, research and trauma to understand how/why it all happened. Even now 2 odd years later I am still trying to figure out why it happened.

MrsRyanGosling15 - yeah whatever! I like the word rants - I didnt think I was ranting here though- am I not allowed a difference of opinion - seems not - but I've been here before so nothing new to me! Anyway as I said I see op has made her decision and I respect that!

He has of course replied with the he will change talk, which we all knew was coming. I will not be reacting, i am tired of this, its not a bloody game show.

He is away for the next 2 nights, and i am able to be out of the house all weekend, so i will let him know times to go and sort his stuff.

I am glad i just have not ended up married/having his child and would be permanently tied to this man. I have also told him politely he needs some serious counselling to sort his issues if he ever wants to have a successful and happy relationship in the future

Ok, this is very very bizarre. What do we make of this. He has now sent me a screenshot of a dog that needs rehoming, he knows this will tug on my heart strings more than any relationship! I have often said i want to rehome a rescue but he always talked meo ut of it, space in the house, extra mouth to feed etc. Now 30 mins after me telling him my feeling he is sending me screen shots of dogs that need rehoming with the caption ''look how sad he looks we could offer the perfect home''

WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS MAN!!!!!!

Do not explain the real reasons for you breaking up! That will be a character assassination which would be mean and would naturally result in him arguing back. There is no need anyway.

"This isn't working for me. I have been trying to make it work but it just doesn't. I'm sorry, it is over. You've left quite a few things at my place, I'll drop them off at your mum's."

He will accuse you of seeing someone else. He will ask a million questions. Do not get into any of it. Remember, it is not a negotiation, you have made a decision, you are informing him of your decision and you expect him to respect your decision.

Good responses to the accusations and whining totally avoid directly engaging or responding. Absolutely no JADE Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain.

"It is not any one thing. It is that the whole relationship isn't right for me."

"It's me, not you. It just isn't making me happy."

"It's over. I am sorry you are hurting but that changes nothing. It is over."

"It doesn't matter why I am not happy, these things are never simple. All that matters is that this relationship does not make me happy and so I am ending it."

"You are not listening to me. It is over. I am leaving / hanging up now."

"This conversation is pointless. It is over. That's it. You obviously need some time to come to terms with it. I am leaving / hanging up now.

You have made the right move ! Honestly I wish someone had told me before , it takes ages to get your head straight again. Well done lovely , you’ll meet someone amazing who has good intentions xxx

That's one to ignore. It's just so stupid. As if he has any bloody intention of getting a dog, FFS. He didn't even want a cat!

There's no answer that wouldn't kick off a debate. He's fishing for a back-and-forth.

He couldn't get you pregnant to keep you bound to him so that dog is the next best option.

He has 100% ignored everything you said hasn't he?

He has decided you are not breaking up. It isn't your decision silly girl. He just has to get the silly woman over her little hissy fit. Flowers, tears, puppies. That's how it works, yeah?

Crikey just saw your latest update regarding the screen shot of a rescue dog 🙈, total manipulation and demonstrating unacceptance . Xx

Ignore. He's just trying to reel you in.

I wouldn't even give him the chance to go through his stuff at your place because that's just inviting him in to your space or to do something nasty.

I would pack up his stuff for him and leave them at his mums.

Interesting that we could offer him a home

He honestly believes your house is his house.

And that your decisions can be completely ignored. Twat.

I'd ignore the message.

That is exactly what he has done. He has said he has taken everything i have said on board and will change.. yeh ok course you will.. then he sends the post RE the dog.

His poor ex partners must have been some real push overs if he thinks this kind of thing will work. It is terribly sad that he thinks so little of me. His plan has back fired, as it has sent me the opposite way!

I would say "I'm glad you have taken everything on board that I have said and that's you've agreed to change. I will leave your things at your mums. Good luck on working on yourself and I'm glad you've admitted you need to. Good luck in the future with it all."

Then ignore.